Post # 1
What is the ‘hard work’ or problems you expect to encounter in a LTR or marriage that I keep hearing about? I have been working on myself & my life after ending my engagement & feeling very confused as to what I am supposed to ‘put up with’ in a future partnership! I know you need respect, honesty, love & commitment but surely living a lifetime with somebody at least one of you will slip up & hurt each other in these areas therefore causing problems. I am so sensitive now & so paranoid that a man might not be treating me with respect that I won’t put up with anything. This is also not healthy, as it is closing off a possible happy relationship. What do you put up with?
Post # 3
well first you have to love someone enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them and they have to love you the same amount.
The putting up with is a lot of things it could be little things that bug you, but you love him enough that its not that big of a deal. Its the big blow up fights that you will have and then learn from them and not run away at the first sign of trouble. it is Respect. it should be a mutual respect, and love for one another. The work is the compromise – its not just about you its about both of you and your family (kids or no kids) and learning the give and take, that alone has caused fights between my DH and I but we learn move on from it say we’re sorry, and knowing that he’s in it, and not going to walk the the door is part of. We love each other, if we started having major issues we would see someone to work them out. Our marriage is worth all the work it would take to keep it happy.
Hope this helps 🙂
Post # 4
@esplanfreedom: I believe, and know that relationships take work, but I think if you are with the right person it is not HARD WORK. The work I have put into my FI and I’s relationship, over the course of many years, is understanding his communication by asking questions and listening to his responses. It has been working on ‘giving up’ a bit of my quirks to balance his, and visa versa. It has been in sharing with him pieces of me, while embracing the things he shared with me. It has been thru trial and error of how to fight – fairly, and figure out how to support him when things got tough – in the way he needed/wanted. It has been giving up on changing the pieces of him I find annoying, and embracing them instead. It has been in establishing and maintaing trust, passion, and a deeply rooted friendship…
This list could go on and on, but see, the BEST part or perhaps why I did not find it daunting or really difficult most of the time, is because he was doing/giving/being the same things for me too. My ideal partnership would have required that, much like the best working partnerships I have had too. It is two people giving 100%, and working 100% toward one set goal. For he and I, those goals will change, the work will always need to continue, we will always learn new things about one another, or change things about one another, of which we will need to adapt. But, we make it fun, or try too!!
Post # 5
For me, the hard work comes to compromising. Nobody likes to do it, but figuring out problems where you don’t agree.
Post # 6
I don’t actually find anything about our relationship to be hard work. I can’t say that for every relationship I’ve had, but that had nothing to do with them, but me.
I’ve learned to give and enjoy space and time apart. I’ve learned to be quick to say I’m sorry (even if it’s just for being sorry for however he’s feeling, and not for anything I’ve done wrong), to pick my battles wisely, and to compromise. I’ve learned that just because he’s in a bad mood, it doesn’t mean that I’ve done something and to just let it pass. I’ve learned to nurture my friendships outside our relationship so he is not the only person I have to vent, cry, or rant to. I’ve learned that I am not the centre of the universe, and his world does not need to revolve around me. I’ve learned to compromise. I’ve learned how to trust completely, and how to be trusted completely. and many more things I can’t think about right now. I’ve learned not to keep score, or concern myself with those who came before me.
Anyhow, things may not always be perfect, and we may do things every now and then that the other isn’t happy about, but we never fight, we never insult each other, and we still treat each other with love and respect. I really don’t find it hard at all, though if it came down to it, there is no amount of work or effort that I wouldn’t put into preserving our relationship.
Post # 7
For me I like to hog my fh’s time cause he works out of town m-f so I only see him on the weekends and it never feels like enough time. i need to work at just appreciating the time I have with him until he works locally 🙂
Post # 8
@esplanfreedom: I don’t really get when people say relationships are hard work because mine is not at all and that’s how I knew it was right. It was easy! I could see hard work coming with having to compromise and make joint decisions, but luckily my husband and I are typically always on the same page about everything! We balance each other so well that I’ve never felt either of us had to change to please the other. There’s very little he does that annoys me and vice versa (or so he says!)
I’m not saying I don’t think we will have encounter challenges, I’m sure we will especially once our baby arrives. But, for the most part, I think relationships should be easy. I think the hardest part of our relationship right now is keeping it exciting.
I got out of 2 bad relationships before meeting my husband. I didn’t put up with ANY SHIT from any guys after that. My husband met the challenege and loved and respected me enough to treat me the way I deserved. Do you have any examples to share about how you’ve been paranoid/sensitive to the point you think it will close off a happy relationship?
Post # 9
@esplanfreedom: i dont put up with anything, a relationship is a relationship…not WORK you shouldnt have to work to make love function, it ether is or isnt. in a nutshell. why should i struggle all day with work then come home and struggle to make that also work, i dont know why people stay in a relationship where its always like WWIII …find someone new and lay everything out on the first date, thats what I did, yes it did scare a few away but im engaged and planning a wedding, we never fight about anything just whats for dinner…ha! good luck to you!
Post # 10
i’ve been with FI for almost 3 years. we have not had a single fight. of course we’ve had our disagreements but we talk about them like civilized adults.
whoever cooks, the other usually cleans. FI doesn’t like cleaning. a few nights in a row, FI cooked and I cleaned. one night I cooked and then I was cleaning. as I stood at the sink, I made a decision. I could seethe and fume or I could ask FI for help. I asked FI to help, he was happy to. He didn’t realize I wanted help. We could have had an unpleasant evening if I decided not to say anything. But why should I be uphappy, we are a partnership.
Communication is very important.
Post # 11
@esplanfreedom: I think for DH and I it’s meeting in the middle. We’re different people with strong opinions and we’ve learned to compromise but that’s not always easy. Loving him was easy; forging a life together, having a household together, and merging into our own family unit and identity is not always as smooth sailing, especially when the chips are down and life tosses you lemons but no sugar or water to make lemonade. We handle crisis differently and that really takes some compromise which is even harder to do when emotions are high. Just my opinion.
Post # 12
@esplanfreedom: Relationships shouldn’t be work but there will come a day when they WILL be work. Naturally we grow and change and can find ourselves in a different world than our partner. Most people on here are going to get married, just got married, or planning on getting married soo their relationships (if healthy) haven’t really reached a point where they need to labor to make it happen. My grandparents have been married over 65 years and act as marriage counselors to my darling and I. They have told us that there will be years of love and happiness with the natural spats and frustrations but then there will be years of distance where you have to work hard to even feel the love for your partner. That feeling of desperation and heart ache may stay for years but if you both work hard to reconnect then you will experience those carefree easy days again. My darling and I have been dating for a long time but marriage is new to us. We have the basic (expected) fights about learning to be good spouses but it is SO EASY to be in love with him. I don’t always FEEL in love with him but we both always show it.
LOVE is NOT a feeling it is MANY ACTIONS
Another wonderful thing I have heard is that there is no soul mate and if you have never met your SO you would find another to love. You could love a billion people but you need to pick one to admire and adore forever. If you keep looking for your soul mate then you will search forever because there are so many people on earth that even if you only match 1% of them you will still have more options than you could handle. It is picking a person and choosing to be loyal to them.
Post # 13
@esplanfreedom: I’m not married, but we’ve been together for 8 1/2 years and living like a married couple for 6+ of those, so I feel like I can weigh in.
For us, the hardest part is always caring. 8 years is a long time. 50 years is exhausting. There comes a point where communicating about every minute detail so you never fight is just boring and you would rather walk away. That’s the point where you need to stop, realize what you are doing and jump back in.
Relationships ebb and flow. I love my fiance dearly and want to spend my life with him. Sometimes I get butterflies thinking about him, sometimes I just get mad at the thought of his face. Some weeks you will want them to leave you alone, others you can’t stop snuggling. The hardest part is when you’re sick of each other, to keep fighting for each other like you would when you’re into each other.
Post # 14
@esplanfreedom: I think this “hard work” that people always talk about does need to be clarified! There are jsut somethings that should really be tolerated.
If you want to post a specific example that might help us.
In my former marriage, the hard work consisted of getting my ex to respect me, asking him to stop making hurtful disgusting jokes at my expense, getting him to go work and contribute to our finances (I was a sugar mama), getting him to understand the very things he needed to change becasue they were making it too hard for me to stay with him.
That’s the WRONG kind of hard work!
In my current marriage, the hard work consists of keeping on top of the house cleaning (both of us) and making sure we have enough good healthy food in the house. Keeping sane with all our extracurricular hobbies that we chose to do. Seriously, that is about it. We are nearing our first year of marriage and it was bliss I tell you. I do think comprimising is one of the bigger things to work at. And remembering to be kind and to not take your spouse for granted even after 30 years.
Post # 15
@esplanfreedom: I’ve often wondered the same thing. I wonder if the level of effort I have to put forth in my relationship normal or is it overboard? Still haven’t figured it out.
@Payless: This is so true and great advice.
@sienna76: Big difference from your first marriage to your second.
The hard work in my relationship is keeping the house clean, eating healthy, and balancing out the finances (since I make more than FI). It’s also motivating him and making sure we grow together and don’t drift apart.
What makes it worth it is the love, respect, and connection between us.
Post # 16
I agree with the above posters, as my relationship with my SO has never been hard work. It has been so easy to just love, and trust each other. We have never had a knock down dragout fight, about anything. (But maybe we are pretty easygoing people generally, and that’s why.)
What I put up with, is the little things. Sink full of beard shavings. Him yelling at me to wash out the recycling better, when I refused to scrub his garbage until it sparkled and said rinsing out the all the chunks was fine. Then i sigh, we compromise, kiss, and move on. On little things like chores, or money, its all about give and take, or compromising. If you are giving way more than you are getting, thats a problem. I’ve never had to deal with any sort of disrespect he slipped up with (like name calling, or degrading jokes.)
What is ” hard work” ( for us at least) is now being long distance for about a year or two, after basically living together for a couple years. Trying to line up vacation time, and get money together to visit. Coming up with new ways to show I love him (besides mailing care packages).
I think hard work is a misnomer, and that it should be easy… Like just general ‘work’ or efforts to maintain the romance and relationship. Sending an I love you text at when he’s at work, even if you argued the night before. Helping to make his lunch for work because you love him, even if he forgot to buy yogurt at the store. Just doing little things, even if you aren’t particularly feeling it that day, because most likely he will reciprocate these little showings of love, and it will help to keep the relationship alive.