Post # 1
I’ve been lurking for a while, but this is my first post, and I’m looking for honest opinions and advice. I’m probably not the typical “bee”: I’m in my mid-40s, never married, no kids, and my SO is 50, divorced after a 20-year marriage, and has adult children. We’ve been dating 2 1/2 years and don’t live together. One of the first things I asked when we started dating was if he was open to getting married again (obviously not necessarily to me, at that point!), just to see if we were on the same page, since marriage is very important to me. He said he was. We became exclusive quickly, and I’ve never doubted his commitment to me, but have always known that I’ve wanted to move things along more quickly than he has. For example, it took him over a year to say that he loved me, although he showed me through his actions far earlier. At the beginning of this year, I asked where he thought our relationship was headed, and he replied that he assumed we’d get married in a few years. I don’t want to have children, so it’s not like I have a biological clock ticking, but “a few years” is not the time frame I was looking for. I’ve made it clear that I won’t live with him before being engaged/married (it’s okay for others, but not me), so I said I was looking for a proposal by the end of this year. I hated to give an ultimatum, but I needed to be honest about my feelings. He said that sounded fair, and since then, he’s joked about how my furniture will fit in his house, cool things we should register for, etc. He also told me he’s looked at rings. We took a vacation last week, and I was sure it was going to happen then, but it didn’t. I was disappointed and made the huge mistake of telling him that I thought we were going to get engaged on the trip, which of course, made him angry. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for a proposal, and he said it hadn’t even occurred to him. Ugh. We’ve reconciled, but I feel I’ve damaged the relationship and wonder if he really does want to marry me. He says he does, but what is he waiting for? We both have good careers and it’s not like he needs to save up for a ring. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with him and am so happy to have finally found the right person after all these years. I know he’s bitter after an ugly divorce, but I’m nothing like his ex. Will we ever be in the same place emotionally? Help!
Post # 3
@ms_citygirl: Welcome to the Bee.
I am 37 and my husband is 51, so somewhat similar to your ages. I had the same problem when we were getting engaged. After a year when we went on vacation and I expected a proposal, I got the “I just haven’t thought about it.” I hung on for another year, then I really started getting restless. So I dumped him. This really woke him up and he proposed shortly after that.
If I were you, I would just leave him and see if he comes around. You’ve waited long enough. If he comes around, great. If not, be glad you found out he is not the one for you and you cut your losses and move on.
Post # 4
Have you met his children and family? If not, I would certainly consider that as a nice milestone. There may be issues/concerns that he hasn’t expressed to you yet, such as worrying what his kids would think about him remarrying. He also may feel that since the two of you are not planning on having kids of your own, that there is no reason to hurry. In his mind, he may not see anything that he would consider to be a “deadline” other than the end of the year timeline you had mentioned. I also would want to take a closer look at his recent divorce. Was the breakup his idea, or his ex-wife’s idea? If she was the one who had decided to leave him for whatever reason, there may still be some open wounds that only time will heal.
Just my $.02. Please keep us updated 🙂
Post # 5
Ease off of the topic until year end comes around. Give him a little break. I beliieve he would come around
Post # 6
@katie8759: Yes, I’ve met his entire family. In fact, we regularly spend holidays and major events together, including hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. I know he’s talked to his kids about remarrying and they said it’s okay with them, plus his ex has had a boyfriend for over 3 years. I imagine it must be difficult to see their parents with different people, though.
I agree with your point about him not seeing any hurry since we’re not planning to have children of our own. His ex initiated the divorce. My SO was unhappy for quite a while, and even mentioned having second thoughts before he married her. He was hesitant about getting a divorce because he was afraid she’d take him to the cleaners, which she did. She never worked, so he now pays a lot of alimony. Our salaries are comparable and I’ve supported myself since college, so he knows I’m not looking for a meal ticket like she was. I think he’s afraid of getting burned again, so I know I need to be patient with him. He’s given me every indication that he wants to get married (except the ring), and our families expect it (his parents have even said they like me much more than his ex), so I think I have to give him the time he needs.
Post # 7
Just a quick update: At dinner last night, he mentioned that a week ago we were on vacation and he knows we had an argument about something, but couldn’t remember what. Really??? I’ve been obsessing about it all week! Then it finally occurred to him that it was about getting engaged. It really baffles me how he could have forgotten about it, but I guess men’s minds work differently from ours, and honestly, I’m glad he wasn’t holding a grudge. Anyway, he smiled and said he’s got a plan, and it will be a surprise. Well, that’s good enough for me! Happy to keep my mouth shut from now on and be a happy waiting bee!