Post # 1
I was just reading KateByDesign’s post about how she’s concerned that her friend may be in danger because she’s dating a guy who lied online and turns out to be a convicted felon.
I’m just curious to hear other peoples’ experiences on women who have actually married men like this because I’m curious because of something in my own life.
My FI was treated very poorly his whole life by his older brother. Some of it was normal for a brother who is about 2 years older than his younger brother, some of it sounds almost psychopathic. He would shoot at animals with his BB gun while his younger brother (FI) was crying to tell him to stop. These animals were squirrels, birds, etc. but the worst thing was that he would do this to the family cat.
FBIL is very arrogant and narcissistic much like their father. And he is a musician, but mostly just plays in bars. He’s released CDs, but nothing he’ll make much money from.
FBIL was convicted with a felony for fraud. I won’t post specifically what type of fraud here for privacy reasons. He has also been arrested for possession of marijuana, disorderly conduct, etc. Some of the charges were dropped but some of them were misdemeanors. He was charged in 2009 for these things and nobody ever knew about it (we did know about the fraud). It wasn’t until FI and I were just looking up peoples’ docket sheets and we decided to look up random people that we knew that we found that out! Oh, and he also went bankrupt a few years ago.
FBIL still smokes marijuana all the time. He didn’t want to be an alcoholic like their dad (although he has had serious alcohol problems and I’m sure still has issues), so… I guess that he thinks that a psychological addiction to marijuana is better? He even showed up to his youngest niece’s birthday party high as a kite.
FBIL is actually married. He and his wife got married in 2010. His wife is just such a pleasure to be around. She’s a very smart and very beautiful woman. I just have to wonder sometimes why she married him… does she not know about the felony? The marijuana habit? The bankruptcy? He can’t have a car and he works at a grocery store because he can’t really have any other jobs (besides his oh-so realistic dream to be a rockstar).
And what does her family think? Are they also unaware?
Basically I’m curious… do people who end up with people like this actually know what is going on and they just don’t think its as much of a big deal as everyone else does? Or do you think that there is some deception in these situations?
Post # 3
Some people don’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe she smokes too and you just don’t know it? His past is his past and doesn’t make him a bad person. Unless he abuses her (emotionally, physically, any other way) why does him being a felon make him a bad husband?
I get what you are saying but just because someone did things in their past doesn’t mean that they can’t change. I doubt he is an amazing husband because of the weed but maybe it is just something she looks past because it isn’t a huge deal for her.
I don’t understand the women that end up married to men who talk down to them. Unless the mean just sweet talk their women until they are married and then change. Who knows.
Post # 4
Maybe she loves him…and as awful and narcissistic as he appears to you and your FI, people just aren’t as simple as that…they’re multifaceted, and different people, bring out different things from within them. He certainly has a troubled past, but has anything troubling happened since he’s been married? Maybe this woman makes him want to be a better man, and if she’s as lovely as you say, perhaps her loving and generous nature is rewarded greatly by serving as a boon to such a tormented person….
I guess my point is, you can take someone’s inventory all day long, you still won’t know half as much about them as you think you do, until you’ve seen them in the eyes of someone that truly loves them, for what they are, what they’ve overcome and what they will be….
Post # 5
@YogaFaerie: I think the same thing all the time! I have a friend who is sweet, smart, pretty, independent…the works. Yet she keeps dating these a**holes who mistreat her, call her names, cheat on her, etc. When I, or any of the other friends, bring it up to her she staunchly defends the guy. It’s so frustrating! In order to understand it, I started watching a show on netflix called prison wives. It really brings up some interesting things about how people value different aspects of a relationship.
Post # 6
I’ve got a friend, more of an aquaintance really, whose boyfriend is the biggest asshat I’ve ever met. I met them in college after they started dating. He was a Polisci major and the absolute definition of arrogant. You couldn’t disagree with his political opinions or like anything he thought was stupid, which was most things. Admittedly this girl is a huge ditz (had to ask if Bruce Wayne is Batman during the Dark Knight) but she also graduated with a degree in biomedical engineering. She says dumb stuff a lot and he goes. off. on her in front of the whole group and belittles her often. She always just laughs it off, but I have a hard time believing that it doesn’t bother her. Then again the rest of the friend group (I was introduced after it had already formed) tends to treat her that way. Not like belittling her so much as being like ‘oh B always says the silliest things’ so maybe she just thinks that is how she is supposed to be treated. It makes me kinda sad thinking about it.
Post # 7
@Birdee106: He’s an emotionally abusive person to everyone else (should have added that), so I can only assume that he is or will be to her. And some of the things he did while he was with her.
Personally, I am concerned for her. Considering his drug abuse issues (in the past it was not just marijuana) and the family history that he has with his family, it just doesn’t look promising. Thank god they don’t want kids, though!
I wonder that about women that end up with men who talk them down too. I guess maybe it is a bunch of sweet talking, haha. Oddly enough, FI’s mother is one of those. But then again FI’s dad was abusing his oldest sister for years before his parents were married but his mom still insisted that he marry her. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
@Nona99: Some things have happened that personally, I would have an issue with if I had been married to him personally. But I honestly don’t know if she knows. I know she knew about him being completely high at his niece’s 8th birthday party because she was there. I would have an issue with that, but maybe she doesn’t…
That makes sens, especially because I definitely don’t love him. He is still always nothing but arrogant to FI and constantly talks down to him. I just honestly can’t see much to love about him, but maybe there are different perspectives! =)
Post # 8
@housebee: That is awful!! I feel bad for women that end up defending people like that but I still just wonder “why”! They have so much going for them, and for the most part these men don’t have much going for them at all…
@Eckle: I get what you mean. Not saying really mean things but still not seeing her as being anything more than a ditz. I think that is really sad too…
Post # 9
@YogaFaerie: Mr. 99 falls into the “Hard to Love” category, unless you happen to be me…sure on the outside he’s a gruff, surly customer with a firey disposition and the mouth of an 18th century sailor…underneath all of that is the kindest, gentlest, sweetest and lovliest man I’ve ever known….something about me, brings that out in him…it doesn’t work with anyone else…so criminal past aside (because he doesn’t have one, or do drugs) , I know what it’s like to be the Beauty to an honest to god Beast.
Post # 10
I’ve dated losers before. In my own experience, delusion and deception was definitely involved. I believe that all I needed was his “love”; and, I was always defending the ex which made him look better than what he actually is. In the end, I was glad to be able to get out of that mess – unscathed, no less.
I’m sure her family knows or has opinions about your FBIL. I think a lot of people turn a blind eye and believe it isn’t their business to say anything about someone’s relationship. Well, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck…
Post # 11
@Nona99: I’m glad that you have that!! Beauty and the Beast is one of my favorite stories 😉
@mnp: Thanks! I have been curious whether its deception or if these people do know but just don’t care. I’m really glad that you were able to get out of that too…
And I agree that people tend to turn a blind eye. When one of my friends was dating someone less than savory I made a fuss about it, but she was my best friend. With most everyone else I’m guilty. I’ll acknowledge that something is wrong, but I’m not going to say anything about it to anyone besides FI or maybe some close friends. =/ I am guilty of thinking that sometimes though, that its not my business and/or that I just can’t do anything about it.
Post # 12
@YogaFaerie: DH thinks I like to play Dr. Phil (lol) but I never say anything to the person unless they are my bffs or my sisters.