(Closed) What is really beneficial to us?! LONG!

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I really don’t know what to say but I am sending hugs your way. The two of you need to have a long talk and discuss what is important to the both of you

Post # 4
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

wow! i’m so sorry! *hugs!*

not to be judgemental, but your fi isn’t being a fi right now.  he’s acting like a bachelor.  how about reminding him that your engagement means that you two should be making every effort to become family.  not for him to be looking out for himself and trying to live a bachelor’s life with a roomie. 

that being said, men are often more pragmatic.  maybe it’s a pride thing, like he wants to provide for his future wife by having the best home possible?  but i agree with you.  and to be honest, his family doesn’t sound like they’re any fun to have around.

i really feel like your relationship as an enagaged couple should be the most important thing.  honestly, if your fi wasn’t ready to get serious about marrying you, he shouldn’t have proposed.  i think you need to have a long talk with him.

sorry if that sounds harsh, i’mtrying to look our for you and i’m thinking about how i would feel :/

Post # 5
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

wow. long story short, YOU need to sit down with your FI and the two of you need to talk about long standing financial goals. There is a lot of “FI and FIL” in that post, but if you disagree, it is YOUR life youre talkinga bout, too! I get measly $150 more per paycheck now that I’m married….less than 0.5% of my salary.

He needs to be realistic. I am currently living in a home above my price range b/c it is OUR home, but only I make payments while DH has an apartment near his base. It is really hard financially. If my air conditioner went out, I’d barely be able to pay my bills.

I think your Fi could benefit from a financial planner. Your FIL’s have a wacko way of dealing with money. Fine, if you HAVE it. If you don’t? no, not smart at all.

make sure that you come before your FI and his materialistic needs. At some point, this sounds like a guy that could become a workaholic and neglect his family, especialy if his parents keep pushing the “but you’re providing for them!!!” thing. You guys really need to have a chat. There is nothing wrong with starting small. It’s better than drowning in the lake before you even jump in

 

Post # 6
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Ugh.  so sorry to hear this. It sounds to me like he’s thinking about him and not you. That is going to be your house too, you should have a say! You need to talk to him and make him see the light. Good luck! (hugs)

Post # 7
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

also,

it kind of sounds like you fi’s dad is giving him advice like you may not be in the picture… like his dad doesn’t think you’ll be around in the future and theyre just trying to postpone your wedding bc they think things between you two will change…  are you getting that vibe?

maybe they don’t take you two seriously?  i’m so sorry this must be hard!!! i really hope that’s not the case!!!!!!

Post # 8
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Oh goodness, I am so sorry! That’s terrible! I agree with what other’s have said – it sounds like your FI isn’t really thinking about what’s best for you! But, like Bellini said, I wouldn’t be surprised if the problem is that he wants to provide for you and have the best possible house before you get married – sometimes guys tend to think that in order to be “men” they have to be able to provide for us – which is so not true!

You need to have a talk with him about what you BOTH want, not what his family wants! Let us know how it all turns out.

Post # 9
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m sorry to hear all of this.  It seems like your hopes and dreams tend to not be a high priority for your FI or your FI’s family.  

I would seriously advise you to consider the implications of marrying your FI if he is determined to purchase a home that he cannot afford.  There are many families struggling out there right now, and I find it difficult to believe that your FI and your FI’s family haven’t learned anything from their struggles.  

No one should ever purchase a house that they can barely afford – especially not in this economy.  You also should give serious through to marrying a guy who would rather have a nicer home than be married to you.

Post # 10
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

Let me preface my comment by saying I actually have no immediate family and so I may sound a tad insensitive.  I have a lot of trouble understanding damily dynamics.  And all of this frankly makes me mad for you – not sad, MAD!!!!

To me, it sounds like his family is way too involved and have way too much infleuence over him.  He’s an adult and you are his family now too – and he needs to think of your needs as a couple first in my opinion. He needs to stand up to them!!!

And it sounds to me  like his family is giving him terrible advice!!!  Couples need to be on the same page with their financial decisions (which are NONE of his family’s business quite frankly) no matter what.  You guys need to talk openly about all of this.

And can I ask – what’s the deal with you guys having to wait??  Maybe I missed something but why do you guys have to keep postponing?  Why do you seem to come last? 

Post # 11
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This is tough. You obviously need to have a talk about priorities. Financial priorities, relationship priorities, family. All of it. These aren’t issues that are going to go away. Why does his family have the power to force you to keep your engagement secret and delay your wedding for years and year.  These people seem a little manipulative, and I would not put myself in a position to rely on them financially. Why don’t you two set a date that makes you happy, and plan a wedding you can afford. Then you can avoid the up and down, and any influence they might have.

Beyond the wedding, it sounds like you guys have a few things to resolve. What are your shared goals? How long are you willing to delay things like marriage and having kids? How big a role is his family going to play in your married life together. Exploring pre-martial counseling might help. Even buying one of those “questions to ask before you marry” books might facilitate and important conversation.

Good luck, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Post # 12
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree that you really, really need to talk to your FI..he really should thinka bout *y’all* and not about what his father wants him to do. It seems like he’s being pushed into whatever the father says rather than standing behind what he believes. Taking up a second job and living paycheck to paycheck to afford a house is NOT recommended in this recession! What if he can’t find a second job? what if he loses a job? What if something big happen like (god forbid) one of you get hurts? car breaks down? a/c breaks? around here: hurricane hits and takes away your yard?

 

I also agree with the above poster about the FFIL talking about y’alls future without you included.

 

But, anyway: (((HuGS)))

Post # 14
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Hmmmm, wow that’s crazy, sorry it’s all falling on your shoulders.  Could you get the smaller home, a roommate and a wedding?  OK maybe that’s crazy.  Me and my FI are not exactly bringing in the big bucks yet so we have a roommate and are planning to keep the roommate after we’re married, at least for a few more years, it’s not horrible, not perfect, but not bad. 

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Good for you. Your FI sounds too selfish to be with a woman like you! Be strong and walk away. It is only going to get worse and he might start exhibiting more control over you….it all just breaks my heart that he can’t wrap his brain around what’s going on. I don’t see how this family or your FI are going to bwe any good for you. I wouldn’ twant to wait 3 years for a family in your situation either. He has just told you to your face where you are priority-wise…i wonder if those priorities suddenly change when he has the house and you are married? I think not. This family is toxic. I’m sorry sweetie! He definitely needs a reality check, but be careful that he isn’t too quick to change, in case he goes back to being this way.

Post # 16
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am really sorry you are going through this but at the same time I understand and agree with your stance on the subject!

I believe that once you begin a committed relationship and get engaged you become family and your decisions are made between your family (the two of you) I personally could never marry a man who did not choose me and make decisions with me over his family and what his family wants!

I really feel that if he follows what his parents say now when he is engaged he always will! If you can’t get him to agree to put you first and make decisions with you outside of his family I think you should move on!

I am really sorry you are going through this *HUGS*

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