Post # 1
I honestly despise that my fiance is a smoker. He smokes at his peak probably a pack a day at the most.
I hate it for the fact that it akes it so he checks out randomly in the middle of activities. I dislike that it is one of the most expensive bills in our monthly budget. Most of all I HATE the health ramifications of it. I honestly force myself not to think about those things. To make matters worse he is already oer 10 years older than I am.
He has literally gotten himself down to one cigarette a day two times before, and then snapped back at the last second. I believe that he is more than capable of being successful with it. He is the biggest stubborn ass in the world when he sets his mind to something! I think he is scared of the change or something.
He says that me talking about it and asking him about it makes it harder for him to quit, but if I don’t talk about it nothing happens.
Anyone have experience quitting and can give me some advice on how to best help him? Or anyone successfully helped their significant other.
Post # 3
@freshflowers: I told him I wouldn’t date him if he smoked. He quit the same day. I find it so disgusting and refuse to have it in my life.
Post # 4
He is going to have to want to quit, and you can’t make him do it. The best help you can give is to tell him that you’ll support him when he is ready, and that when he’s ready you’ll need him to tell you what support he needs, then don’t being it up again. You can make a few rules like no stopping for a cigarette in the middle of dinner or while you’re together doing XYZ activity, and I think it would be reasonable to set a budget or insist that cigarettes are bought only from his money and not from joint/household money, but beyond that, he will never be successful quitting until he wants it for himself and not for you.
Post # 5
You can’t make him quit. He’s going to have to want to do it. It really doesn’t matter how expensive it is or how much you hate it or how risky it is, it’s an addiction and your pure dislike won’t be enough.
If he doesn’t want to quit, he won’t.
Post # 6
My DH isn’t a smoker and never have been, but I’m so grossed out by smoking that I would never date someone who was a smoker. The downside is that I’m guessing he was a smoker when you started dating? It’s sort of hard to tell someone “I don’t like how you are anymore, change” – especially with something like smoking where they don’t WANT to quit.
FWIW, people who don’t want to quit, won’t. My own grandmother burnt my eye (cornea) with a cigarette when I was a small child, on accident. I ran right into her hand, and it went right into my eye. I almost lost my vision in that eye. Everyone in our famiyl was convinced it would be enough to make her stop – and here she is 25 years later STILL smoking.
Post # 7
I am totally with yo in that it is a disgusting habit. I always was the same in saying that I would never get involved with a smoker.
But alas, we fell so hard.
I make him brush his teeth before kissing me if he has been recently smoking and he is not allowed in bed unless he has showered since his last cigarette.
The frustrating thing is that he even admits that it is an idiotic habit he picked up as an airheaded teenager. (he’s smoked since he was 15)
Post # 8
If you didn’t want to be with a smoker, then you shouldn’t have dated a smoker. If he doesn’t want to quit, he’s not going to quit. Get over it or move on.
Post # 9
He needs to want to. My grandparents died of lung cancer. While we were dating I told him it wasn’t my business, but as soon as it was (once we were engaged) I needed him to stop, it was a non-negotiable for me. He wanted to quit so he agreed. He started trying to quit before we got engaged, but really started in earnest successfully. He tried a few things before he found what helped. For him, it was the patch and Wellbutrin. For his cousin it was gum, for his brother it was vapor cigs. One of my friends quit by taking up bike riding – he always smoked while walking between his classes/office/home, etc. For FH, the patch worked best bc he had constant nicotene replacement, if he went too long between gum, the craving would get too strong. The wellbutrin was bc he was writing his PhD, and like lots of phd students he was self-medicating with nicotine to up his energy and concentration for work. I supported him, told him how proud I was, and offered to split/cover the cost of his nicotine replacement. I didn’t check up on him or pester him, but I think my family history gave him a good punch in the arm of guilt to help with his motivation. Nicotine itself has no bad health effects except it can raise blood pressure a bit which is only an isdue if it’s high. So he’s taken way longer to taper down on those than they say, but it works for him. He was quitting at a very stressful time, so just not pushing the timing really helped.
Post # 10
My dad quit for 10 years before starting again. FI quit, but I know that he could start again at any time. It’s just something I have to accept.
He says smokers can only quit for themselves, when they want to.
Post # 11
FI and I got in a fight one day and I blurted out how much I despise smoking and that he needs to stop. He did instantly.
I was also very supportive during the process. I bought him an ecig, put up with crabby mood swings, baked him treats, anything he wanted. It was hard but he did it cold turkey
Post # 12
@Feist: I have heard that it takes an average of 7 times before smokers are successful with quitting.
Was it your fiance’s first time trying?
Good for him! and congratulations to both of you
Post # 14
@Feist: I wanted to +1 the possibilities. I have known several smokers who ended up using nicotine replacement long-term. Many people want to turn their noses up at it, but if it keeps them off of cigarettes and carcinogens, it’s wonderful. Electronic cigarettes are a great alternative, but most people are misinformed or uninformed about them. My uncle chewed nicotine gum for 15 years, but he never went back to smoking.
Even with these methods, he still has to want it.
Post # 15
@MsW-to-MrsM: My fiance has taken the pill and done the e-cig thing. He likes his e-cigs and even uses them sometimes for convinience.
Most recently he quietly took the simple “just dont smoke” route on his own and was apparently down to one cigarette a day.
Then I mentioned that I noticed hed been smoking less, and he got upset and snapped back. Now I know not to do that, I guess.
Post # 16
@freshflowers: yeah FI did NOT like when I talked about it. I’m told my grandfather was the same way.