What's the difference between an Ultimatum, a Me-Amatum, or Internal Walk Date?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: How long would you wait for him to make up his mind, after you voiced your desire to get married?
    6 Months to a Year : (14 votes)
    42 %
    12 months : (9 votes)
    27 %
    18 Months : (5 votes)
    15 %
    24 Months : (2 votes)
    6 %
    2 Years + : (3 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 2
    2787 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I had a Me-Amatum that turned into an Ultimatum in a relationship that was not about marriage. My college boyfriend moved back home after we finished school. He had no jobs, and no prospects for a job. I got a job in the city we went to school with, after having looked other places, as this was our compromise location. I really thought about trying to get into a graduate program or having a job abroad, but compromised on this city as he thought it was as far as he wanted to be from his parents.

    A month after we graduated, he was offered a job in the city I lived in that was pretty decent, had good potential, and made more than enough money for the location. He started getting cold feet because he would go from being taken care of by his parents to moving out on his own. I would like to repeat here, he had no job where he was living with his parents, and no prospects for a job. I knew from the beginning that if he didn’t take the job, the relationship was over. I wasn’t moving to be near his parents who deeply disliked me in a city with a higher cost of living, and he was becoming more and more of a man child who played video games in his room while hs mom took him out for lunch. The first week, I didn’t voice this. The second week, he guessed what my bottom line was, and I told him that he was right. By Friday, he decided against the job, and I told him it was over.

    This was the right thing for me, but he really didn’t like it. Really, though, what would the point have been in me lying that I didn’t have a bottom line on the status of our relationship? I am also really glad that this ended, because 2 weeks later I was on a date with my now FI.

    Post # 3
    5160 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I have never heard of a me-amatum, so I’ll leave that aside.  On the topic of walk dates and ultimadiums and engagements:

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a walk date.  At some point, if you are not on the same page as your partner about getting married, you are going to have to ask yourself if they are worth the wait.  Maybe the answer is yes.  Maybe it will be yes but with an end date/timeframe.  If that’s the case, you’re looking at a walk date/timeframe.  There is nothing wrong with this if you think that your relationship is ultimately getting in the way of your long term happiness.

    If you’ve talked marriage and have a serious walk date in mind then I think it’s only fair to communicate that date to your partner.  It’s only fair.

    Is that an ultimatium?  Maybe.  It’s a fine line to dance between being honest and being coercive.  If you want to call that an ultimatium, that’s fine.  But as long as your intention is to be open and honest, and not to just “get your way” then I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
    Post # 4
    2894 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    My situation is kind of strange… I met FI in my late 20s, after living in 5 cities, going to grad school, changing industries, changing functions, etc. We got pretty serious pretty quickly, but I always made it clear that I always saw myself moving in w/ someone after engagement. 

    In SF, that’s just not possible. My two roommates had to move out 9 months into my lease, so my rent jumped from $1,300 / month to $1,417 / month. Getting my own 1bd or studio would be approx. $2,400. My SO (now FI) asked me to move in with him, in his rent controlled 1bd, since we were spending all our time together anyhow.

    We talked at length about it, but neither of us were ready to get engaged at the time. We agreed that sometime in the next year, we’d have to make some decisions. We agreed that:

    1. Whoever didn’t want to move towards marriage could move out.
    2. He would continue to pay rent, but I would set aside what I would have paid in rent as our wedding fund each month.
    3. If we didn’t get married, I’d give him those savings to pay him back for our joint rent.

    In some ways, it wasn’t very romantic, but he’s always been very clear in his wish to build a life with me (in both word and action) so I was pretty patient about “waiting” as I also needed to get ready for engagement + marriage myself. 

    If we had lived in a lower cost of living place, I wouldn’t have moved in until the ring, but at some point, it becomes doing what’s right for your relationship and making sure it all works together. FI has supported (emotionally for sure, financially he could but I don’t need it) me through job changes since we’ve been together and I’ve done the same for him. We knew our relationship wasn’t about the apartment because being supportive and giving to each other just came naturally for us. It wasn’t always the case with past partners. 

    To me, an ultimatium is “do this or else” and very similar to a PIP “develop these job skills or get fired for poor performance”.

    A me-amatum is “this is what I need to be happy, can we work towards this” and very similar to ongoing 1:1’s “this is where I see my career going, how can I develop the needed skills”

    Ultimately, you can get to the right outcome for you, but one is more collaborative, more of a growth together and the other is more my way or the highway, where one party completely gives up his / her needs for the other party.

    Misswhowedding:, I wouldn’t consider what you did an ultimatum as much as it’s a recognition of what you needed to move forward. Train was leaving the station and he failed to get on board. Of course your ex didn’t like it, but he also would rather be a man child than move towards adulthood with you. Nothing against man children, I just don’t think they’re suitable long term partners for me. And you felt the same and that’s ok!

    I learned that people will take what they can if you give it to them, so only give what you’re comfortable doing so. If you offer and someone takes you up on it and you resent them, that’s on you. If you start resenting your partner, the answer is to pull back on what you’re giving until you stop resenting them. Quid pro quo doesn’t work here. Give what you can and if it’s not enough for your partner, s/he can leave. If s/he stays, and you’re giving 100% and it’s not enough for him / her, then that’s on him / her. If his / her 100% isn’t enough for you, you can either accept it as what they’re capable of giving and be happy with it, or you can move on. The choice is yours.

    Thanks for listening, lovely bees! 


    Post # 5
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    My walk date was the day I no longer felt our plans for the future of our relationship were compatible. I never had a specific date in mind where I would walk, although I had a date I hoped for.

    Post # 6
    7 posts

    I moved over the water to be with my 2 year boyfriend (friends for a year previous) as I didn’t want long distance. At the time, although he suggested the move he said he wouldn’t want to live with anyone – he’s an introvert and loves his space, as do I, plus cats dictated not living in his flat. I didn’t pressure him (other than to say I thought it was a good idea to live together but no pressure) and he then 6 months later asked to move in with me. I feel better knowing he made the call. 

    Same with marriage, I like the idea but it isn’t hugely important to me, although commitment for life is. He’s  not a fan of the contractual side of it, I’m not sure about the financial outlay and signing away side of it. I like the celebration of love and commitment side though. I doubt that his thoughts will change very fast but I’m having so much fun with him that it’s not a deal breaker for me. He’s kind, gentle and committed for good so why would I force him into an ultimatum to change the relationship? If I gave some ultimatum timeline and then got my way I’d never really feel like he wanted to marry me anyway. Instead I would just say it once and gauge the reaction, then have my own internal opinion as to whether I would really leave the whole relationship just because we weren’t set to marry on my terms. As it stands, I think it is unhealthy to try and persuade someone into something and that is more likely to make them run away from the idea. If it is so important to someone to get a particular outcome, then they have to do the right thing for themselves and walk away, genuinely, knowing that they won’t get what they need. For my personal situation, I’ve been with men who would have married me there and then but they weren’t calm and understanding,  and several were quite controlling. I am glad I didn’t rush into it. Now I will just go with the flow, and not worry or pressure him about the marriage thing. 

    Post # 7
    3637 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Walk date – an ultimatum that is private. A date you set, if, on that date the change you need has not occurred, then you leave the relationship. Your partner never knows, it’s a pact you make with yourself of when enough is enough. You’ve given them time, they know you are unhappy, they know what needs to change, you are giving them the time to change, without pressure. But you know just how much waiting you can take and thus make a deadline with yourself about when you will need to have seen that change by. Mostly set after a lot of “by this date things will be different, I promise!” statements by a partner. Mostly useful for walkees who need to stop the pain for their own sanity and partners who would baulk at the pressure if they knew about it. 

    Ultimatum – a public walk date. Your partner knows that is things don’t change by X date then you are gone. They are under the pressure to change by a specific date and that deadline looms before both of you. Again, mostly made after a lot of  “by this date things will be different, I promise!”. Perhaps more useful for procrastinators who actually need solid deadlines and consequences for not meeting them. 

    I dont one really understand what the third option is. 

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Everdeen.
    Post # 8
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    lovelyd126:  I also haven’t heard of me-amatum ; but think it sort of sounds like a goal you set for yourself before you move on. To me an internal walk date is something you set yourself in your head with regards to leaving the relationship if he doesn’t commit like you want to (moving in, engagement, setting a date, having a baby)


    Re; your poll. I voted 0-6 months, but in honesty I wouldn’t have waited 6 months. I met my SO online after a 12 year previous, (3 week’s before the wedding) that ended because my ex didn’t want to get married. So this time I wasn’t waiting around. We had a conversation 6 weeks after our first date about what we wanted from our future. I wad scoping him out, and he was also doing the same to me (his 8 yr relationship ended when she realised she was gay). But yea I wanted to know asap if it was worth putting time into. 18months later I am waiting my ring to be made, and from what he’s hinted we’ll be engaged in July 🙂


    It’s worth knowing what you want and sticking to it

    Post # 9
    199 posts
    Blushing bee

    Having been through the waiting stage and now engaged I think that my FI would have basically had to say via words or actions: “I’m never going to marry you,” for me to walk away from this relationship.  

    I think if two people are in a healthy relationship with the same views for their future and just different ideas of how to get there – open and honest conversations and compromise are the way to go.

    An internal walk date in which your SO has expressed that they will never marry you makes sense.  It’s sort of a preemptive way of readying yourself for the coming loss that you pretty much know is going to happen.

    An ultimatum seems manipulative, however, because you try to use yourself as the bait to get your SO to marry you even though they may have expressed that they don’t want to.  That seems like a recipe for an unsuccessful marriage to me.


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