What is the most difficult aspect of being CBC?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

PositiveThinking:  My DH and I aren’t sure if we will be CBC but that seems like a big possibility. 

So far my biggest challenge is having a chance/place to ask CBC people about their life. Right now I fit in with the other 20 somethings that aren’t ready for kids just yet but what about when I am 30 or 40 and still don’t have/want kids? I don’t really know where to discuss my concerns or my excitements for being CBC. 

Too many people say I’m selfish for not wanting kids or that I will grow out of it but what if I don’t? Those things are hurtful when I am leaning towards never being a mom (something I have been told ALL woman do someday) and it sucks not having someone to talk to about it. 

So the lack of community is what gets me when it comes to the CBC choice. 

***Side note: Lots of people seem to think CBC people just face normal life issues but they face it without children.  I have already come across issues that stemmed from considering being CBC so I can imagine couples that pick this lifestyle find CBC related problems as well. 

Post # 3
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

To be completely honest, for me, it is dealing with the guilt I feel for how our choice will affect our families, and mine and DHs future. Truly, neither of us want to have a kid. Ever. But I feel guilty to not give my parents and in-laws a grandkid. Plus I worry about growing older and becoming ill or lonely should I lose my DH (or him being lonely should he lose me), tho I am fully aware that none of those reasons would make a just cause to have one. Oh well, I just try to push the guilt away and relax in knowing that I’m living my life the best way for me. And I don’t have to have kids to make other ppl happy or to secure my well being in the future. It’s just hard.

Post # 4
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Payless:  exactly. Having a community to safely discuss the effect this choice has on our lives..that would go a long way to ease my anxiety. Here on the bee would be great cuz I like it here for the most part. I just never can feel comfortable talking about being childfree as it is now.

Post # 5
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

For me it’s dealing woth people who assume I do/will feel “unfullfilled” with my life for not having children. Anytime I try to explain that I enjoy pursuing my career, traveling, and just generally having peaceful time to myself they act like I’m selfish. 

Or playing with my niece and nephew and hearing “Seeee you’re so good with kids! you can do it!” As if that’s what I’m worried about.

Post # 6
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

BeeG35:  I totally get the guilt thing. On my side, my sister has kids so my parents are grandparents and young ones at that.

On FI’s side, his parents are in their sixties. FI anf I don’t want kids and FI’s only sibling was married to a woman who also didn’t want kids. His parents kept hoping they’dchange their mind, but they’re recently divorced now so obviously that won’t happen.

Post # 8
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

We are also dealing with the possibility of regret. I’m 30, DH is 27. Right now the risks and con’s outweigh the pros right now, but hopefully I feel that later on as well. I read a book called “Two is Enough” by Lauren Scott which had a lot of interviews with a lot of different people who were all CBC and in all different stages of life.  It was really helpful and had some other great resources.

Post # 9
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

playdohpants:  ya it’s tough for sure. I have two siblings, one has been estranged (never married and is childless so we believe) for many many years and the other could very well give my parents a grandkid one day. But that is only a mild help. On the other side, DH is an only child.  So there is definitely guilt about that. 

Post # 10
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

PositiveThinking:  I live in an extremely heteronormative community and my workplace is dominated by families with children, so the most difficult aspects of being CBC for me is the fact that I am constantly dealing with everything being planned around children and their needs and the fact that people tend to make comments that, while not rising to the level of “hurtful,” are kind of thoughtless and make me feel like I’ll never really be seen as part of the community because I will never have a family (which, around here, requires children).  To illustrate: my younger co-workers who plan to become parents are constantly being invited to parties so they can be set up and everyone talks about how nice it will be when they basically join the club of married people with children, but despite the fact that I have made it clear that I really do hope to get married one day, no one ever offers to set me up or invites me out to meet people (instead, I often get asked to help entertain emeritus professors that and older guests that drive everyone else crazy because I am patient and a broad conversationalist).

Post # 11
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

I think the most difficult part is having to “explain” myself & the decision that we’ve made to be CBC to other people because they seem to assume that they know our lives best & that we should make babies because they say so!

Post # 12
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

I dont know about falling under the “difficult” category, but I’d say when at work, I do get a lot of “Oh, you dont understand, you don’t have kids” or them thinking I have all the free time in the world because I don’t have kids, so staying late shouldn’t be a big deal.  

Post # 14
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I have not totally decided to be CBC, but the way FI’s and our lifestyles are looking at the moment, it may end up happening that way.

I already feel a lot of guilt for even entertaining the possibility of being CBC. My mom is already a grandma, but I know she and my dad really want me to have kids with FI. She makes comments frequently about us and babies. I know it is not my responsibility to live my life how THEY want me to, but I would prefer that they be pleased and happy with my life choices… not sad and disappointed.

I’m not too worried about regret, because we could always adopt older kids or foster kids.

Post # 15
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

PositiveThinking:  Maybe the CBC Bees here can become online friends. Sending emails and becoming friends or followers on social media might help to reduce the loneliness. Just a thought.<br /><br />I think that is a really good idea. But I am also conflicted over it. Why should we have to hide or be pushed off WB? 

The two difficult things for me are the workplace and how family centric it is and the fact that society dimisses and/or belittles the choice to be childfree. 

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