Post # 1
The ex found out where I work and phones me to invite me to my ex mother in law’s funeral. The ex has re-married for longer than the two of us were married.
I am also married but the ex doesn’t want my spouse to attend the wake or funeral. My current spouse said it would be better if I sent a card or/and flowers. This seems like a situation that would need to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Factors include: Ex spouse wants to make amends at wake and I want to go without my spouse.
- Short marriage between my ex spouse and self.
- We are both remarried.
- Our parting was not amicable. I am still held fully to blame for divorce.
- We are not still friendly? No haven’t spoken in years.
- No children from previous marriage.
- We are not still friendly with family. I have only kept in contact very infrequently with my ex mother in law. My ex has not kept in touch with my family. Most of my family and friends despised my ex.
- My ex wants to stay in contact and be friends afterwards. Just the two of us without our spouses.
Post # 3
unless you really cared for this deceased person why would you want to attend? you don’t continue contact with your ex so i don’t know why you should.
based on your factors, i wouldn’t go. send a card/flowers to the funeral home if you feel it necessary.
Post # 4
Send flowers and/or a sincere, heartfelt card. No one could possibly fault that as being rude.
Post # 5
I do care for the deceased that is the reason I want to go. My ex found out my work number from the deceased mother before she passed away. I had kept in contact with the ex’s mom but not often. Please my ex thinks it would also help us make amends and we would be able to be friends. My ex will be very offened if I don’t attend.
Post # 6
@kcolla: He will be offended but are you not offended your current Dh can’t attend? I don’t go anywhere without my husband. I guess my “spidar senses” are going off because he does not want your husband to come when most certainly his wife will be there.
Post # 7
My spouse has never met my ex, the ex mother in law, or the family members that will be attending. Of course my ex’s spouse will be attending. The invite was for me only and I could invite my grandparents which are the only family my ex still likes.
If I don’t go it’s like I am saying I don’t care you are extending this nice gesture to attended, make amends and be friends again. I will hear an ear full via phone calls and text messages to my cell number I provided my ex that called my work. My ex made it clear that if my spouse is a sane, stable and secure person they will understand.
To quote my ex ‘it’s not like I am trying to steal you back lol.”
Post # 8
I would be more concerned about how my husband would feel, rather than my ex. Funerals and wakes are about getting your own closure, or expressing condolences to loved ones on their loss. It doesn’t sound like you were particularly close to this woman in recent years, nor that you feel the need to support your ex. I would stay home.
Additionally, any time I am told my SO is not welcome, I don’t even consider attending myself, as I find it incredibly disrespectful to me, my SO and my relationship. I would expect the same from him.
Post # 9
@kcolla: I guess I adhere to the Bee’s social unit rule: you don’t separate a married couple in invitations. Even if she did not know your husband, he is still YOUR husband whose feelings outweigh those of your ex-spouse
Post # 10
Thanks for the input I will consider what was posted on this thread before making my finale decision. I had told my spouse that they were selfish for not wanting me to attend. I was in tears when I got home. I wasn’t considering it from a different perpective.
I’ll let everyone on wedding bee know how it went.
Post # 11
Who invites people to a funeral anyway? Something sounds way off about this to me, and especially the excluding of your husband and why you even care anymore about any of this. He’s your EX for a reason, and you want to be friends now,why?
Post # 12
I attended my ex-MIL’s funeral, without my husband.
Like you, we had not stayed in close touch nor are the ex and I on friendly terms, But, there was no invitation -not done in our social circle–you just go (I did take our common grandchildren with me) and my current husband had no problem with me going.
If my husand had asked me not to attend, I wouldn’t have. If my ex had plans to “stay friends after, just the two of us”, I certainly wouldn’t have attended.
Post # 13
I say no because it sounds like your ex has ulterior motives and I”m quite shocked at him being so focused on you when his parent has died.
Post # 14
I do not see why you should not pay your respects in person. You are not going for your EX, your are going to pay respects to ex-MIL.
If I was invited to my ex’s mother funeral I would go. I would not bring spouse either. I would go simply becuase the deceased was a huge part of my life for a long time and even if we had a falling out that does not mean I did not still ahve fond memories of her, and good feelings for her and therefore I’d be there to SHOW that.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge
As a person who’s FMIL just passed away this last Spring and FBIL is recently divorced it meant ablot to us that the ex-SIL attended kn person. She did not go to the wake but she did attend the funeral and she left her new boyfriend at home. As much as we are mad at her for what she did to FBIL it was very much appreciated that she attend and show her condolences to our family.
Post # 16
Something seems kind of fishy on your ex’s part. I feel that if his REAL aim is to make amends, he would have no problem with your husband coming with you.
I say send flowers and save yourself the drama.