Post # 1
Last night my future Mother-In-Law texted me pretty late at night and said she HAD to have an answer to a question. Hesitantly, I asked her what was up. Her question was this:
“Other than being the mom why do I have to be at the wedding? You guys all have other things to do places to go people to see.”
I proceeded to read and reread this message to make sure I had it right. I then went on to lecture my future Mother-In-Law about why she needed to be there to support her son, how if she didn’t come (or even told him she didn’t want to be there) she would regret it and he would resent her. I told her she doesn’t need a reason other than she’s the mom. I also informed her of the facts that my family can’t afford to come, but they’ll be there anyway, no questions asked, even though it’s my second marriage. I also reminded her that my fiance’s father died two years ago and that she is the only parent he has left.
Following this message, she informs me that she has “given my life to my kids. Stopped my life to give them what I could. But the way he treats me is bad.” – note, my fiance works in the middle of the pacific ocean. The “way he treats me” refers to the fact that he often refers her to me when he’s working if she needs something, per her admission.
Again, I had to read this a few times to make sure my eyes had not decieved me. I went on to tell her that the things she had just described were kind of in the “mommy handbook” and that it’s called “unconditional love” for a reason. I told her of the times I have treated my parents like crap in the past (read: as a teenager) and how they never treated me that way in return. I told her that nothing excuses her from her child’s ONLY wedding. She then said she would be there.
At this point, I’m not sure whether I should tell Dear Fiance what she said or not. A part of me wants him to know what a terrible person his mother is (he knows to an extent – yesterday was his birthday and I was the only one to wish him a happy birthday), but another part of me wants to protect him at all cost.
What would you do? Seriously, a 24 year old with no children should not have to lecture a 50-something year old woman with 5 children…
Post # 3
@vitani88: It sounds like she’s waiting for someone to validate her status as a mom and her importance in her sons life. She also sounds as if she wants to be passive-agressive about how to deal with the wedding. I have no real advice, just some outside perspective 🙁
Post # 4
I never understand why people have such resentment towards their own children like this. Maybe it is a generational thing, but it really bothers me when parents complain that they put their whole life on hold for their children….like their kids had a choice in being born.
I wish I had advice to offer. I just find it very sad that this woman feels that she is owed something because she chose to have kids…and that she doesn’t want to be at her own son’s wedding as it seems like an inconveinance to her 🙁
Sorry you’re in such a rotten position!
Post # 5
@urchin: Thank you. I am torn over whether to mention it to him. She said she tried to talk to him first and he “referred me to you,” god forbid. It just breaks my heart. I cannot imagine my mother treating me like this.
Post # 6
I think that all you can do is just tell your hubs to-be that his mom said some things that were hurtful and that he really shouldn’t take any of it to heart. I know if my parents were saying things like that, I would find it hard not to take it personally. It would really weigh on my mind as to why my Mom was treating me that way.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Can you two take her out to dinner, and have a little heart to heart? Or maybe it’s better for the two of them to alone clear the air?
Is Fiance the baby? Maybe that’s why his Mom is acting like this- or is this typical behavior for her?
Post # 8
sounds like we could have the same Future Mother-In-Law. I don’t get it. What IS wrong with people!!!! I wouldn’t bring it up to Fiance unless he asks as I’d imagine this would be very hurtful for him. It’s sad but you can’t make this woman be there for her son. All you can do is what you’re doing – encourage her to be there and remind her that he is her son.
I’m sorry you’re in this position, I know exactly how you feel
Post # 9
How sad. I totally agree with @urchin: I really find it awful when parents resent their children for their own choices. My mom is very similar to your FI’s mom, and it also makes me really sad to have to deal with it on a constant basis. I always feel like I owe her something.
I also sort of don’t think it’s fair that he forces you to handle his issues though. This is a conversation he should be having with his mom, not you. I know that you want to protect him, but he needs to let her know that he does have a demanding job and he’ll talk with her about this when he can.
Post # 10
This sounds exactly like my Mother-In-Law, plays the martyr simply for being a parent and having responsibilities (even though her parents did a majority of the raising). I think she is looking for attention/validation from him and she probably used you to get this message to him. I would show him the messages so he can deal with it and talk to her if he so chooses.
My Darling Husband is no longer suprised or shocked by the hurtful thing Mother-In-Law does, he says that is the way it has been his whole life so he is used to it (this kills me, not child should be use to their parent being shitty to them).
Post # 11
I think your fiance has the right to see the texts…..it may hurt but he should know that there is a distinct possibility that his mother won’t show…better he knows now rather than be blindsided on your wedding day
Post # 12
Without much more information about their overall relationship, its hard to say exactly why she said what she did. I suspect she may be tired of always being sent to you to communicate with him, and is taking it more of him not wanting to be bothered with her in general. Can you blame her if he never has any time for her and defers to you? I’d be upset and hurt too, so maybe that’s what precipitated this whole exchange. She doesn’t feel wanted, so why should she put herself in a position to be ignored at your wedding as well?
There’s probably way more to this story, as most Moms don’t just turn on a dime for no reason.
Post # 13
I think you should tell him about it because if it were me I would want to know, even if it was hurtful. Especially because it’s bothering you so much and you and Fiance are a team and can sort through your feelings about his mom together. SO sorry you’re going through this! Hugs to you!
Post # 14
I think maybe she is just going through that point in the wedding process where she feels like she is losing her baby boy. My Future Mother-In-Law is going through this.
I would tell your Fiance because maybe it would be beneficial for him to give her a call and just talk to her. Unless, like a PP said, you guys maybe go out for dinner and sicuss what is going on. I know you said he works in the pacific and that may not be possible, but I’d urge him to spend some time talking to his mother. She may feel ignored.
Now, whether your Fiance takes that advice is up to him. My Fiance has chosen to ignore my advice to go spend time with his mother, stating “the more I give in to her, the more she’s going to expect it and then once we are married, it will be worse.” You’d have to know the situation to know how truly needed FI’s mom is, but that may be something to think about.
Post # 15
@rebwana: We can’t take her out to dinner because we live on the east coast and she lives in Washington state. No, he is not the baby. He’s the second oldest. There is one who is 19 and one who is 13.
@2PeasinaPod: He does not have access to a phone while he is out at sea and communicates primarily via email. He doesn’t have much of a choice.
@ItWasntMe: His mother enjoys drama. She once burst out in tears because I mentioned we were moving and asked when someone was going to tell her. I had already seen the email conversation in which she discussed it with my fiance.
@kaw2be: I will probably tell him. I asked him what she said to him and why he “directed” her to me. He said she sent him an email telling him she hoped he had an uneventful birthday. He said he never told her to talk to me about anything. I would assume it’s her dramatic tendencies again.
Thanks so much for all of your support! This is really difficut
Post # 16
My fi mother is a drama queen and makeice cusses for everything she can( she missed our baby shower and my daughter is a year old aad she mod not come to see her once( she only lives an hour away). We are planning our wedding and seems to be interested but she has The same personality of you fmil. So we will seewhat she has up hersleeve till the wedding. I just stay away from her and my fi doEd not have time to answer her he will get around to it.. I would stay away from her. She wants attention and I’m sure she will be at your weddingprobably telling everyone she felt she was not welcome