Post # 1
I’m having some problems with my ex regarding our custody situation. My daughter is 5 and started kindergarten this fall. Before she started school, her dad worked a 4 pm to midnight shift Monday through Friday. She would spend every Tuesday and Thursday with him from about 10 am to 3 pm and then every other weekend he would pick her up on Saturday morning and keep her overnight and bring her back around 7 pm on Sunday.
When she started school, her dad requested a schedule change at work. He now works Monday and Wednesday-Friday from 7 am to 5 pm. He has Tuesdays off.
Since his previous visitation schedule was Tuesday and Thursday every week, we have been sticking with that. He is off Tuesdays so usually he will come pick her up off the bus at 4 pm and bring her home around 8:30.
On Thursdays, he gets off work at 5 pm and comes to pick her up around 5:30. He brings her home at 8:30.
I don’t know what it is about Thursdays, but this 5:30 pickup/8:30 drop-off thing is really messing with my little girl. She is always hell to put to sleep on Thursday nights – sometimes not falling asleep until 10 or 11. And Friday mornings are a nightmare – won’t wake up, takes forever to eat and get dressed, and whines from the second she gets up to the second we walk out the door to the bus stop. It is very stressful.
Today I talked to her dad and mentioned that Thursday evening visits didn’t seem to be working out for our daughter and we should look into making some changes to the visitation schedule. He flat-out refused to give up his Thursdays, saying that “It’s MY time with her and I am not giving up any of MY time.” I offered him Friday nights to replace the Thursday nights – that way she could stay longer, even sleep over, and be able to sleep in on Saturdays. I felt it would be easier on her than the Thursday night visitation and subsequent Friday morning problems. He refused.
It is 30 minutes from his house to mine so you have to figure that if he is picking her up at 5:30 then they aren’t getting to his house until 6. And to get here at 8:30 they have to leave at 8. That’s just two hours. Wouldn’t a Friday overnight stay be better? I don’t understand him.
What do your visitation schedules look like for your school-age children? Do your exes get visitation on school nights or just weekends? I am trying to figure out which of us is being unreasonable here – him or me. I would hate to have to take him to court over this because we have always managed to work out a good schedule on our own but at this point his selfishness is having a negative effect on my daughter and I am upset.
Post # 3
@HeyKaraoke: I have 2 kids, 11 and 6
I have them every Wednesday evening after they get home from school to Friday morning when they go to school OR until Monday morning when they go to school. We alternate weekends. Every other weekend.
It equals out to be 50/50 for the week. Equal number of over nights a month. PA looks at the # of nights spent with the parent for custody and/or child support, btw. Been there, done that.
We share a google calendar to keep track of the schedule.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@HeyKaraoke: With my stepdaughter we did two nights per week and every other weekend and it worked out pretty well. Week 1 we would have her Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday overnights. Week 2 we would have her Sunday, Wednesday, Friday overnights. We were responsible for reviewing her homework with her and putting her to bed those nights and dropping her off at school during the week or soccer practice on the weekend. If he can’t handle the overnights, then switching to Wednesday and every other weekends should be fine (that’s what I had with my dad growing up.)
However, she goes to sleep just fine on Tuesdays but she has problems going to bed on Thursday nights. What is the difference in her schedule on Thursday? Or is there something she doesn’t like about school on Fridays? It may take some time and experimentation to work out a good schedule.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I don’t really blame him for not wanting her every Friday night because he might want to go out on a date on Friday or sleep in on Saturday. That’s why we rotated weeks and weekends.
Post # 6
My soon to be stepson is 7.
We have him every other weekend (Fri to Mon morning drop off), Alternating Mon night to Tuesday am and Thurs night to Friday am.
Ex: If we had him one weekend we drop off at school Mon and don’t see him until Thursday. Then wouldn’t have him that weekend and see him that Monday, take to school Tuesday. Then, we would see him that Fri for another weekend. On a calendar, depending on the number of days, it equals to 50-50.
I will say that when I came along, the schedule was a lot like yours (2 hour visits, but 3x a week and it was CRAZY. FI was racing to get time with him for 1.5-2 hours! Killing himself. I realized that his ex was using him for transportation, so she could work late at work and then come get his son whenever it worked for her. I quickly noticed that and it stopped, after much back and forth to what we have now. FI’s son is MUCH happier and it’s predictable, which kids need.
Instead of approaching it as time he might losing (or feel like he is) you could gently remind him that kid’s needs change and as parents, we have to be flexible and mindful of their needs. He might also feel it’s encroaching on his Fri night time…like maybe he does laundry or goes out with friends. Maybe he’s set on this and just needs to get its awful for her.
Post # 7
@HeyKaraoke: My ex had every Thursday night and every other weekend until Monday morning when he (someone from that house) took them to school. We did change it because the kids weren’t prepared for school when he kept them until Monday AM. Then after I got remarried he decided to terminate his parental rights and my DH adopted them.
In, FL, only overnights count for time sharing (how much he’d have to pay in child support) so my ex wouldn’t agree to see them unless it was overnight.
Post # 8
My friend also had a kid that was having issues with “transitions”. The schedule was every Wed from afterschool (Pick up 5 or 6) until 8 or 9 (cant remember) then every other weekend from Sat AM to Sun PM. The Wed nigh transitions were awful and his behavior would act up often times until Fri or Sat. So they had to go to a Psychologist and document the problems they were having with transitions.
So after lots of $$ on Psychologist lawyer fees, they worked out a schedule that works better for the kid– every other weekend from Fri afterschool to Mon drop off at school.
Your Ex might be feeling threatened. I would approach him and see what his solution would be. “Ex, I know you love DD and want to see her as much as possible. I dont want to take that away from you. However, I’ve noticed that for some reason Thurs nights really throw her off. She isnt sleeping well and Fri are difficult for her in school. How do you think we could resolve this so you can still spend time with her, but she is no having issues at school?”
Post # 9
It’s never easy to figure out…certainly not once school is added In. Our arrangent is not 50/50 so keep that in mind. My sons father works overnights and then goes to the local tech college during the day. I ‘technically’ have custody of my son during the school day which ends around 2:30. I pick up and drop him off to school each day. His dad can come at 4 on Tuesdays and Fridays to pick him up. His Tuesday is an overnight ssomeone just has to bring him back toe by 7. That way my son can get ready for school in his normalhouse. Thursday his dad just gets 4-8:30. So I get my son ready for bed ect. We splweekends ds (beginning on Friday ending Sunday). My son seems to know hisroutine Well enough.
Post # 10
My situation is quite different from yours…but we’ve had the same schedule with my step son since I met him 5 years ago– he’s now 9. We have him every Monday/Tuesday and drop him off at school Wednesday morning then every other Friday/Saturday/Sunday. The weekends we have him, we end up having him Friday pm-Wed morning (50/50). We live very close to his mother, but we do occasionally use a local day care for drop offs before school if we need to be at work before school starts and then he will sometimes ride the bus to that daycare where someone picks him up. We have a decent relationship with his mom, but it is nice when we can pass my step son back and forth without having to see his mom/step dad.