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In my neighborhood (UWS of NYC) everywhere I look there are 40+ year old women pushing double stollers with twin babies. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize what happened there and it is super common.
Then I get on FB and see how all of the people I went to HS with started having kids in early to mid 20's. And I hear people say that it's bad to get pregnant after 35, selfish, bad for the baby, etc.
I'm wondering what your personal opinion on the matter is? How old do you think is too old and why? If you saw a pregnant woman of a certain age would it bother you?
ETA: This should go without saying, but answers are not to be taken personally because they are only opinions. I'm just curious to know in general what people think about this topic.
Also, part of the reason I'm asking is because recently DH and I have heard a few comments from close family members about how important it is to have babies before your 30's and kind of implied that it was selfish to wait much longer than that. I took what they said with a grain of salt and wasn't offended by it, but it got me wondering what people think about this in general.
I can move it to Babies for you.
And as for me, my only concerns with pregnancy and age have to do with the health of the mother and the baby. A close family friend suffered from multiple miscarriages after her first son, around the age of 40. It was heartbreaking!
I think it has to be somewhat local. I live in NYC, and I do not even blink at anyone who is 40+ with babies. If they were 50, maybe I would look twice. I don't see how having babies older is at all selfish. Everyone should wait until they are ready. The selfish people are the ones who have babies before they are prepared for the responsibility.
I think after 37 it is too old to be starting to have children. Not only do the odds of dangrous complications arise for the mother but also for the child.
I think it depends, but leaning towards 40 would be an age that is too old for me at least. Missing out on all the things to come, imo. It's just a matter of priorities as well.
And of course, as a pp wrote, health related issues for baby and mommy as well. Had to edit this to add this line too.
This question makes me really uncomfortable - I feel like it isn't any outside person's place to judge the family planning decisions of someone that they don't know - you never know what particular situation lead to someone wanting to become a parent at an older age. It's not appropriate to judge younger parents, and it's not appropriate to judge older ones, either.
I have a "friend" who is VERY opinionated about this issue and comments on it all the time! I feel like it really isn't my place or business to decide when anyone gets pregnant or why they decided to get pregnant when they did! My brother and his wife had their first child when she was 43 after a looooong time and difficulty conceiving. I didn't choose an answer because I don't care how old someone is when they get pregnant!
I don't think anyone can really be judged for the age at which they choose to have a baby. And as far as the 40+ women pushing double strollers, you have no idea their situtations or any fertility aids they needed, or even how long they have been trying. I am 33 and pregnant with my first after a year and a half of trying with and without fertility treatments. If it had taken 7 years longer to conceive (for physical or financial issues), then I would have been that woman.
P.S. I know you were not saying a particular age is "too old," so this isn't really directed at you. I hope you don't take offense. It is more directed at someone who might say 40 is too old.
Well, My Mom had me when she was 38 and I was the last of 5 kids, so if she had stopped at 35, then I wouldn't be here. :) My sister had her boys at 37 and almost 40, but she got married pretty late and started trying right away.
I can totally see ladies these days waiting later and later to have kids because of wanting to pursue their careers and I think it's up to them to decide what is safest for them and their baby!
But statistics do show that after 35 I believe the chances of having a baby with Downs or other medical issues goes way up. Personally, I want to be done with baby-making by the time I turn 30 or close to it. I just want to be young enough when they're out of the house to go do fun stuff with my Hubby! And to also be able to do things with my future grandbabies.
Honestly- I think all throughout your 30's you are still fine- sure you are older and you will be an older parent and there will be more complications but some people just don't get the chance before then. I'm hoping to have my first by 30 but sometimes plans don't work out.
I personally wouldn't try past 40, but I can understand why others do and I don't want to judge them for wanting a child.
As long as it's healthy for the parent and baby then I dont really care what others do.
Personally, I don't want to be 40+ having kids for selfish reasons. I want to be young enough to run around with them (not saying that 40+ moms can't do this), but more importantly to me, I don't want to be 60 years old at their high school graduation. A good friend of mine's dad was in his 60's when she was born. By the time we got to high school he couldn't attend a lot of things because his health was very bad. I know this could happen at any age, but it's something to think about.
I dunno...I can't imagine some people's personal struggles on how long it took to get pregnant or the measures they had to take to have a baby(ies) but I have older parents and I hate the fact that I have to consider my future children might not know their grandfather if I wait too much longer to have children at only 24.
edit: I do not mean to sound insensitive to people who have lost their parents unexpectedly at younger ages! :(
@expecting rain: So if I had started trying at say, 32, and it had taken me more than 5 years to concieve (entirely possible even with treatments), would I be selfish for continuing to try after age 37?
There was just an article about this in NY Magazine!! Did anyone else read it? Here's the link:
http://nymag.com/news/features/mothers-over-50-2011-10/
Personally, I think anything over 45 is too old...to me, you're depriving your kids of having parents who will be around for grandkids (of course, you never know, parents can pass away at much younger ages too). I also don't think it's fair if parents physically find it difficult to keep up with their kids--not able to ride bikes with them, run around at the park, etc. All this doesn't even take into account the medical risks for both the mother and child when the mom or dad is in their 40s and older.
Also, as a mom, I would hate to constantly be mistaken for grandma...
@heathaah: Did I say anywhere that people were selfish in trying after 37? No. I did not. My PERSONAL opinion and views are that 37 is too old to START having children due to the medical complications, especially if you do want to have more than one. I would honestly be concerned for the health of the mother and child, rather than having thoughts on how selfish the mother is.
@heathaah: "So if I had started trying at say, 32, and it had taken me more than 5 years to concieve (entirely possible even with treatments), would I be selfish for continuing to try after age 37?" Exactly!!
@hilsy85: I feel exactly the same way about not wanting to be mistaken for a grandma!
This is such a personal choice and decision, I wouldn't dare pass judgment on anyone for when they decide to start a family. IMHO, the decision is one that needs to be made between the couple and their doctors.
Like some have pointed out, TTC pretty much never works out the way that you planned or expected. I never thought it would take us 8 months to conceive but it did...also never thought I would have a miscarriage, but I did. I'm 31, will be almost 32 when baby is born. And now looking back, I feel like we were lucky that it didn't take longer. You just never know the fertility issues that you can run into when you start trying (even if you are healthy and have no known issues).
Amongst our group of friends most people aren't even considering having kids until they are mid-30s, and many of DH's friends have been close to 40 with their first. I'm one of the main exceptions -- pregnant w/ my first at 30 (although DH will be 35 when the baby is born). I know the risk of various birth defects goes up with age, and so do the chances of not being able to get pregnant. So far all of our older friends have had beautiful healthy babies though, and luckily all have been able to get pregnant without any major issues. I guess 45 sounds quite old to me personally, but if someone has a healthy baby at that stage in life (especially if they didn't marry until later on), then who am I to judge?
I think early to mid 40's. Anything over that just seems to be asking for trouble biologically.
I think it all depends on the person... I personally want to be done having children by 32 (I'm 28 now) only because I want to still be able to enjoy things with them when I am older plus we only want a small family anyway. Not to say that having them at 35-40 is wrong it just isn't what I want plus with the health risk and complications I just wouldn't want to chance it.
LOL Someone said 34 to 36?? Geez.
I say it varies because you never know how long it will take to GET pregnant. It took us a yr to get pregnant and I had Baby Bear at 30.
@greenmint: Amen. Alleluia.
OP- is it possible to add another poll option like "it doesn't matter to me".
@RR: I know, I didn't really add enough poll options. A hostess can do it if anyone reads this!
I'm screwed! I am pregnant now and someone thinks I am too old...lol. FWIW I just turned 33.
And this whole Grandma talk... it's not what it used to be. You can have a child at 40 and not look like a grandma in 10 years. We on the bee even say.... I can't believe you're 38, I thought you were 28! Eat right, live a healthy lifestyle, be active, take care of yourself, you don't have to grow old like people think.
Here's Christi Brinkley @ 57:
I think it depends on the person really...My mom had my brother at 39 (he is the baby of 5 kids) and my MIL had her last child at 45, my husband was a sophomore in college when he found out. she has 13 kids and a very devout catholic, in all honesty i think they continued to have children until she physically couldnt anymore. all healthy babies though!
I can't vote in the poll because I don't care when anyone else has a child. It doesn't matter to me, although I would much prefer people wait until they're ready.
Personally, for myself, though, I wouldn't want to have a child over 35. I just don't think I would be comfortable taking on a baby after that age. Now adopting an older child after that is a different story. I just can't imagine having a baby after 35. Again, this is for me personally.
Personally i think the ideal age to have kids is between 25-35, of course it does depend on many other factors but this is my opinion of ideal.
I think whenever your first thought is what you want rather than what would be best for a child then it's selfish. Whether that means getting pregnant at 17 or at 47. People do live longer now, but the idea of a high school kid having parents who are in their 60's, possibly having to deal with end of life decisions when they are in their early 20's/in college, it's all a little morbid to me.
Basically my opinion is when it comes to having children late, if you get pregnant naturally great. If you can't get pregnant naturally you've got to weigh the risks and the cons--danger to mother and child, possible health problems, costs, psycholgical pressure/anxiety involved in the process, issues with age disparity later on,etc--against the blessing of a biological child. Personally I think adoption is a better option, but I know some people have a hard time with that.
I think it's one thing to push a stroller at 45, and another to have daily arguments with a teenager when you are close to your 60s, to help finance someone's college education at your retirement age.
When you think about children, don't just think about how cute they would look those onesies. Think about whether you feel you can be responsible for another person for the next 18+ years.
@moderndaisy: i checked "42+" as too old but I feel like if you are able to have a child, love that child, and provide a good life for that child, than that is by far and away the most important factor. If you have a baby too young, than it's "irresponsible" and if you wait until your too old, then it's "selfish." You can't win either way!
That said, I don't think it's selfish to wait until you're ready for kids. But I think waiting until your very late 30s or 40s to start trying to have a baby is a little deluded. I think it gets a little warped when you read so many "Baby after 40!" celeb stories in US Magazine or People. If you're in your 30s, then you have to at least acknowledge the realities of fertility as you get older.
People should have kids when they're ready. If you have a child at 16, you have one set of issues, but if you have a child at 46, there's a whole different set of issues. I think parents need to think through what's best for both themselves and their potential child whenever they are trying to have one.
I'm not sure how old will end up being too old for us, though. We're planning to start TTC in about 3-4 years at 27-28, with plans to have our last baby in our early 30's. I don't think we would go the route of IVF or fertility treatments if we couldn't have a baby. We would likely adopt or just not have kids at all.
I think it's all relative. I will be turning 37 in a few months and I don't think that's too old to have a child... but neither of us want any - mostly because we don't want our lifestyle to change. Fast forward 8-10-ish years and I think that would be too old for me to have a child (45-50) (assuming my eggs were still in order!!). I look at this more from a life expectancy standpoint.
My parents had me when they were 41 and 46. My father (the older one) ended up passing away at 51 (stupid cancer). I swore that I would never be an older mom because of it. It's not that my mom wasn't able to do what the other mom's could - she was more strict, and old-fashioned in many ways. I turned out pretty damn good (thanks to her old fashioned ways), so even though I resented them at the time - I think it ended up just fine.
What's difficult NOW (as she just turned 79) is to watch her age, and deal with those issues now, where my other friends still have youngish parents who don't have real health issues yet. Granted, this is relative. My BIL's mom just turned 80 and she's way younger seeming in all aspects, compared to my mom.
I will only answer for me personally, but I would say late 30's would be my limit. This coming from a person who had her 1st baby at 26 and 2nd baby at 34. I've told my husband IF (big if) there is to be a 3rd it has to happen really soon. Because I know what its like to have one in my mid 20's and one in my mid 30's and it is A LOT harder as I'm older now. I can't imagine waiting much longer. But again, that is just me.
Personally, I would not readily consider having babies over the age of 30; over 35 I wouldn't dream of it. Why? The health risks are just too much for me to gamble on personally.
However, when it comes to other women having children I suppose I draw the line around 40+; just because helth risks increase after 30 and exponentially after 35 doesn't mean that women cannot have [are incapable of] healthy pregnancies and babies. As long as the women are emotionally and financially capable to raise these children & are doing everything in their power to ensure it is a healthy pregnancy, then my opinion is pretty moot.
I live in DC, where older parents are pretty common, and women on both DH and I's moms' sides have super long fertility windows. So I know a whole lot of people who became parents at 37+ and they are excellent parents.
My mom had me at 25. I love my mom but I also think she personally could have benefited from a few more years of adulthood before becoming a parent.
ETA: Basically, I think it is about the effort and love a person gives their child, not their age. I didn't vote.
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