(Closed) What is your reason for having/wanting kids?

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

What a great question!  I’m going to think on it before I give you a quick answer.  For us, there was a huge intellecutal component, and we were really concerned about the environmental consequences etc… So you can imagine the benefits for us had to far outweigh the drawbacks!

Post # 4
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Good question!  No, you are not weird.  I feel the same.  I don’t think I’ll ever want to be awaken in the middle of the night, have to deal with the tantrums, etc. Not to say it’s not worth it.  But not sure I want to do the work.  So I’ll be interested to read the answers!

Post # 5
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

As weird as it sounds, thank you for this question. It really got me to thinking.

I’m 22 as well and honestly, I’ve never had a strong desire to have children or be a mother. It was just something I considered doing after I got married. It seemed like that natural next step.

However, whenever I think of having children, which I’m forced to face everyday, I sometimes forget. I don’t get excited about baby clothes or cutesy nursery stuff, but I know that I look forward to teaching strong values to my children. I want a daughter who is independent, knows who she is, and doesn’t measure herself by society’s standards. I also want a son who knows how to respect women and himself and knows that he doesn’t have to fit the macho image to be a man.

It may not seem like much of a reason to have children, or even any at all, but it’s honestly the first thing I think about when I think of having children. I always look forward to that part of parenthood, even when I don’t look forward to late night feedings and changing diapers.

Post # 6
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well, I don’t know if they are any really good reasons to have children, beyond the superficial ones. I mean, come on. Children are expensive, all time consuming, needy, and there certainly is no need to further populate the earth. BUT, they are also (I imagine) beyond amazing, and completely life changing in really, really great ways.

I don’t think you’re doomed to be a shit parent at all. I am highly suspect of people who are not terrified of having children (or terrified of marriage); because those are life changing events. They should take reflecting…and lots of it. 

You are young. I am 28, and the thought of having children terrifies and yet sometimes thrills me. Its not something I wanted until very recently. I did not want children at 22. 

I don’t know if there is a “noble” reason to have children. Plenty of people who shouldn’t have children do every day, it’s just how it is. There is no nobility to having children. I just think at some point it will be right for you, or if won’t be, and either way, that’s ok. I have no noble reason for why I want a child, but at some point, I would love one, even though that means getting shit for sleep, and giving up a lot of the good times FH and I have now.

If you wait until there is a “noble” reason, just like if you wait until you “have enough money”, you will never have children. Just wait until it feels right for you, and until you are ready for everything in your life to be changed.

I dunno, I have no children so I’m no expert, but I would think….give the decision to have a child the respect it deserves and don’t make it lightly. You’ll know when you are ready, and there’s no reason to push it.

Post # 7
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s just kind of instinctual for me. I don’t feel like there is really any good reason to have kids (ie they cost lots of money and time, and it’s not like the world is underpopuated or anything) but I just feel like it is something I was meant to do. I really love kids, and despite the fact that I’m a nanny and intend on getting a degree in early childhood educaation, it just doesn’t feel like enough and I don’t feel fulfilled. I love the kids I take care of and enjoy my time with them and even bad days don’t scare me away from the thought of having kids. One day I had to stay late and I was making them dinner and getting them ready for bed and such and it just felt “right” and really felt kind of sad that I didn’t have my own family to do this for (yet). It’s so hard to explain! It’s definitely an internal drive thing for me though.

Post # 8
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@rainbow – I think the reasons you list are not bad ones at all.  It is the little things in life that hold the most meaning.

I will be honest and say that I think instinct is playing a role for me as I didn’t want kids when I was younger, but now that I am older, my biological clock has definitely kicked in.  But, I think the biggest thing for me is knowing that my hubby and I both have wonderful families and the idea of creating our own is exciting, and terrifying at the same time.

Post # 9
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I was you until about a year ago (I’m 25 now). I have never liked kids… still don’t much actually. They’re loud and sticky and unreasonable. Kind of like a dog except harder to train and you can’t lock them in the bathroom while you’re at work! heh. I just didn’t see the point. 

Then I went to my grandma’s 80th birthday party. And she had her three kids there. And their three spouses. And her ten grandkids. And her seven great grandkids. (Not helping the environmental argument am I?). 

Anyways… I just thought it was nice. I’m not really a career-driven person. I have a good career and lots of lawyers are “married to their jobs” or whatever… but that’s not me. I work to live, so what’s my life going to be? I don’t want to be 40 and spend holidays alone with FI because everyone else is with their families… seems like a lonely life. I kind of feel like family is the most important thing in my life and my family now is going to drift as all the cousins go their separate ways… at some point I’m going to have to either re-define family as FI and I alone, or we’re going to have to start our own brood. 

Post # 10
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - Majestic Colonial Resort, Punta Cana

For me it was kind of like knowing I wanted to marry Mr SB. You know how when you know, you just… know? Like that. (Annoying answer, probably, but it’s so true.) And I didn’t always know – it took me awhile to get there (I was 31 when we decided to go for it).

Because you’re not feeling the instinct now doesn’t mean you never will. But if you never do, that’s totally ok too! Kids aren’t for everyone.

Post # 11
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t think you’re doomed or that you’ll be a shit parent when you have kids someday. People change when they have “their own” so the way you feel about other people’s kids isn’t necessarily a reflection of how you’ll feel towards your own kids. Nonetheless, you have plenty of time to enjoy your marriage before your “biological clock” starts ticking, so who knows, maybe your preception might change in the future.

This might sound awful, but my reason for wanting to have children has nothing to do with a maternal instinct. In fact, I don’t have any maternal instincts. I think kids are cute but I don’t like spending more than two hours with them. I enjoy my privacy and quiet time. I don’t look forward to having dependents that will cost me money, changing diapers, or disciplining kids, LOL.. all that sounds scary to me. But what’s even scarier is the idea of growing old and missing out on the small window of opportunity for becoming a parent and bringing someone into the world. I call it a “small window of opportunity” because it’s not like all women can bear kids after 45.

I don’t know what it’s like to be an actual parent as I’m only an outside observer, which is why I can’t understand the true joy of what it’s like. But I just don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to be old and frail and have no children that I raised with my husband, have no one to take care of me. I know these sound like superficial reasons, but it’s not necessariily your reasons that are important, it’s how you actually treat your kids when you have them that are important.

 

Post # 12
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Good question. I don’t have kids yet, but I’d like to have a few eventually. It’s definitely not a biological clock thing at this point–no baby fever from this bee.

I think kids are awesome and fascinating. They’re the ultimate form of creativity, creating another life that is unique from anyone on earth. You get a lot from them and you learn how to agape love and give so much of yourself by raising them. They add to who you are as a person; they can deepen your experiences and become great friends and helpers. I love the idea of teaching them, and raising them to be a powerful contribution towards the future. Having children would be a great adventure. 🙂

Maybe a lot of people don’t see the point because they don’t understand kids or haven’t spent enough time around them to know what they’re like? Children are just like adults, except they don’t have the knowledge or filters that adults have. They’re humanity condensed. I wouldn’t lose parts of myself by raising them, but instead (if I raise them right), I’ll help another person be who they were meant to be and learn a lot about myself in the process.

At any rate…rainbow, you’ve got time on your side, and you don’t have to go looking for reasons to be excited about motherhood. From what I hear it’s always different when they’re your own kids.

Post # 14
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@rainbow – From the way you worded your question, I’m assuming that you’re only looking to hear from the child-wanting/having crowd. If this is true, I’ll wander off and refrain from inadvertently hijacking your thread. If not, though, as someone who is childfree by choice, I’d be happy to explain my point of view.

Post # 15
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

I was definitely READY to have a baby well before getting married.  I can only think that it was that biological clock ticking, because I was baby CRAZY.  Like ready to punch holes in the condoms crazy (haha, I did NOT act on that urge).  Then I got pregnant and found pregnancy pretty miserable.  I had horrible morning sickness, pelvic pain, fatigue, etc. 

 

And THEN I labored and delivered my baby.  My labor and delivery experience was incredible.  It was nothing like I expected it to be, but it was so awesome.  I can tell you, where I am now, with my three week old daughter, I am SO GLAD I went through what I did being pregnant.  She is SO worth it.  I feel like I have this amazing purpose in my life that no career could ever compare to.  I look back on pregnancy and think only about how AMAZING my body is and I cannot WAIT to do it again.  So while before having a child my reason was just instinct, my reasons now are selfish desire to have this awesome experience again. Having a baby is just the most incredible thing- every day it gets better.  I could gush about how awesome having a baby is all day, it’s that good.  Yeah, I’m tired and have to change diapers at 3 a.m., but all I feel all day is just amazement and happiness about this great thing I have in my life.

 

In short, having a child is awesome and reason enough to have one.  Maybe not a “noble” reason, but I think my husband and I will contribute some pretty awesome offspring to the planet, so maybe that’s my noble reason?

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