- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
What NOT to do as a Bride/BM.
(warning a tad long)
Back in October 09 an old friend of mine who I’ve slightly lost touch with over the years due to distance and opposing schedules asked me via IM if I would be her BM. Well, she wasn’t very tactful, and in fact, she didn’t really ask me to be a BM, she never said she wanted me to, she said
“J has too many friends, and too many of them want to stand up for him, and I need another girl.”
I was a little taken aback, but have always tried to be good friends with this lady, supportive, caring, interested, understanding, available (as possible), and it has never been reciprocated. I understand that, I get it a lot, I guess I just try too hard. Regardless, I have a terrible aversion to confrontation, so I acquiesced.. which was probably the first mistake I made.
So lesson 1: As a bride, do NOT treat your BM’s as mannequins, it’s very disrespectful. If you really do not care enough about them to want them to be involved with your day, then do not ask me to be involved. If you are going to treat a BM as a ‘filler’ or ‘extra’ just get someone else, or cut the numbers.
As a BM: Don’t commit if you don’t want to. If you’re uncomfortable, feel undervalued, snubbed, insulted, can’t afford it etc etc, just say NO.
Well after that things went from bad to worse. I emailed, I facebooked, I texted, I called and made myself available in every way, but was ignored, even over important things like.. what dress am I expected to buy? When do I need to order it by?
It wasn’t until it got down to the wire that the bride got back to me, simply requesting my measurements as everyone was supposedly getting the same dress. A dress with boning in the bust. Um, yeah, Hi? I’m an A cup. A small A cup, so boning? Not such a good idea, it’s going to make me look like I’m trying to immitate madonna’s cone tits. Too bad so sad was the answer I got. Now this is ridiculous for a few reasons,
one: the desgner the bride picked was Alfred Angelo, so as long as you order together, you can have the same coloured dress in several different flattering styles.
two: the MOH, BM1 & BM2 are all very ample girls, they didn’t like the dress Bridey picked out so they were allowed to pick something different, but not me? Gee, thanks.
Lesson Two: As a bride, despite your ‘vision’ you should be aware & respectful of the needs of your BM’s different bodies/comfort level. You *should* want your BM’s to be happy & comfortable in what you’re ‘making’ them wear, it’s just common courtesy if you’re expecting them to pay for it themselves.
As a BM: don’t get bulldozed by bridezilla. Pick your battles & stick to your guns. If you can’t work it out, get out. There is no sense stressing over a situation with no resolution.
Well, when the dresses come in, guess what, the chest doesn’t fit, it’s about 2-3 cup sizes too big. Icing on the cake? The seamstress refuses to take out the boning to accomodate tiny chested me. Bridey’s solution? “Oh you can just get silicone inserts!” Yes, yes I could, but I have already spent 200$ on something I will never wear well or again, so why oh why would I think kindly on spending another 30-75$ on fake boobs? Sorry, but that is just not my style. I’m comfortable with who I am, even if I am a memeber of the itty btty titty commitee, I really don’t want to ‘enhance’ myself, because I think I am fine as is, it’s just the dress that isn’t. Imagine that.
The crazy train doesn’t stop there oh no..
Often times I am just floored by the lack of consideration.
For this wedding the Bms/MOH hosted a bachelorette, I was not consulted once by any of the other girls about cost, budget, etc., nor was I given the opportunity to state what I was willing/able to spend. Fine, whatever, it’s for the bride so no bigs right?
Well, fast forward to the bridal shower. Again, no consultation or communication whatsoever (despite the fact that I email everyone else asking questions..), and again I’m expected not only to chip in an absurd amount for the venue the MOH/BM decided to rent (venue?wth?). On top of that, I am expected to buy a gift, a very nice gift.
Then it gets worse! There is a rare, and ‘old fashioned’ tradition some places in Canada called having a “Wedding Social.” A social is usually thrown by the bride & groom OR their parents/siblings about 6-9months prior to the wedding. A social is for guests, co-workers, friends & family who will not be able to attend the wedding or will not be invited to the wedding (yes you CAN invite the same people that youd would invite to the wedding, but this is usually a way to cut guilt from venue capacity etc).
A social usually comes with a cover charge, or ‘ticket price’ it’s like going to the carnival but not as much fun. The ‘revenue’ from the cover charge/tickets goes toward covering the cost of the venue rental/the Bride & Grooms pockets. A social usually includes things like door prizes, raffles, games etc. activities with one goal in mind: To donate/give money to the bride and groom. Usually the prizes are cheap /alcoholic and the cost to buy tickets to ‘win’ is more than what it cost for the prize.
Personally I think socials are a little tacky, out-dated, and a bit rude if you ask me. It also really bothers me in this situation because of the way the bride mentioned that they were indeed having one.
“Oh, I want to have the social & the shower as CLOSE to the date as possible because then more people will be home for the summer/in town and I’ll get more stuff” no jokes. Verbatim.
I was a little taken aback by her comments. But her other BM1 was no better
“Everyone in the wedding party will be expected to work the door at the social for at least ONE hour.”
I liked BM2’s response best “Gee, I’m so sorry, but I don’t fly in until the 10th, so I won’t be able to help you out. See you at the wedding!” A sly screw you, if you ask me.
I decided NOT to travel 4 hours to go to an event that made me uncomfortable. I’d been out of town for the past 6 weekends in a row doing wedding errands and needed a break before the BIG DAY. Whupee. I tried to justify not going to myself, but still ended up feeling guilty (though I am not sure I should).
So, I email the bride, apologising for not attending (although I am still expected to pay my ‘share’ for the prizes etc), and asking her about how the night went. Since I was emailing her already and with only t minus 6 days to go I figured I would ask her some pertinent questions that she hadn’t addressed yet like, when is/is there a rehersal dinner? when/where does she want the BM’s & at what time prior to the ceremony? And since she hadn’t mentioned it at all, speeches? Toasts? readings? Other duties left un-delegated? Her response?
“Well, you only have to really worry about walking. The rehersal dinner is at 7, but we’ll be going to X restaurant after around 9, you can meet us there. we’re getting together for coffee in the morning before getting ready.”
Wait, what? Seriously? You’re not even going to tell me where the rehersal dinner is? You’re not going to say where you want to meet for coffee either? your house? the bistro?What? Specifics woman!
So here we come to our third lesson,
Why Communication is KEY for a successful relationship:
As a Bride, if someone in your wedding party asks you specifc questions requiring a specific answer, you should at least be polite enough to give a specific answer.
As a bridesmaid:
Treat the other bridesmaids with respect. Work as a team, make sure everyone is on board to avoid hurt feelings/resentment and misunderstandings.
& When you’re only 3 days out it is too late to do anything/cop out/confront the bride about her behaviour/issues you’ve been having; Learn to smile & nod and go to a happy place.
I just cannot wait for Saturday to come and go. I hope that everything goes off without a hitch and that everyone has a great time (especially the bride) but for the love of all that is lovely I cannot WAIT for it to be over.
However, I will admit, it has been a great learning experience for me, and gives me a lot of examples of what NOT to do when I’m the bride.
I also got to practice my mad sewing skillz : altering my own BM dress– such a scary experience. [no I did not take out the boning, but I might after the wedding].
What have you learned through being a part of a wedding?