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DH and I both think that discipline is important... although we plan on doing a lot of reading on the subject to learn about the best system to enforce that discipline. (We'd better get started on that project soon.) Overall we want to be supportive parents. We both have careers, and that means that we'll never be able to spend as much time with our kids as we would like. So we really want to make sure that the time we do have at home with our kids is cherished. We want our kids to know that we love them and we value them. We want to support their interests and their hobbies as best as we can. DH and I both value education, and we hope our children will share that value. Also, we know that as parents we will have to be flexible and that even the best laid plans may not work out. (I'm sure that last part is easier said than done.)
I think we're both pretty liberal but traditional, if that makes sense to you.
We're agreed on the following things:
I love both of your responses. FI doesn't really believe in dinner time and he will deny our kid(s) a pet until he is dead and gone. I would love to have a dog!
One of the best quotes I saw recently was "Don't marry a man unless you wouldn't be proud to have a man exactly like him, for a son" I think together, my guy and I would be pretty damn good parents. Unfortunately, we are both over 40 so it may not happen. If it does, fantastic, if not we have many nieces and nephews to spoil.
@Aubergold: The only boyfriend I ever had who'd never had a cat was denied a pet throughout childhood and I think it was part of what prevented him learning how to look after other creatures (and people). Thankfully G agrees with me wholeheartedly on most parenting theories I have.
I'd love one of us to be a stay-at-home parent depending on finances, but I can't see us being able to afford it. I will take a full year's maternity each time and I can take up to a three year unpaid parental career break with a guaranteed job at the end of it.
@skibobrown: You guys sound very similar to DH and I.
We want to raise children who are independent and who have respect for others and themselves. We want to be able to support them in pursuing their interests and dreams. We want to provide them structure and discipline (when necessary) yet ensure that they know that we love them unconditionally. We value education and want our children to love learning but also recognize that college isn't for everyone (my brother really helped to teach us this).
Overall, we believe you have to be your children's parent, not their friend. So we probably fall on the more "strict" side of the spectrum without being overbearing.
ETA: Since I couple PPs mentioned working / staying at home, I'll add that DH and I intend for me to be a SAHM.
We're still not planning for kids for another 5 years, but we've had a lot of discussions about it.
I know for a fact that I will be a stricter parent. I'm sure FI will do fine, but he is a naturally fun, laid back person. Its one of the reasons I love him. Whereas I am a bit more worried about discipline, respect and rules (having a dog before having children was a huge eye opener). I think we'll do fine, and balance each other out.
I want to have open conversations about EVERYTHING. I want them to travel with us, its one of the things my mother told me was one of her favorite things about my childhood years. I want them to try everything they want to but stick to things they love, even when it gets tough.
Also -- I will never have an only child. I went through it myself, I was lonley. Extremely creative (yeah, lots of imaginary friends) but lonley. If I'm not able to have multiple kids of my own, I will wholeheartedly adopt. We're considering adopting even if we don't have trouble having kids of our own
Geesh, I agree with all of you! lol We're not planning on having kids for 6 years or so. In that case, this might sound kinda repetitive:
I'm an only child and FH is a big family person, so I think we will mesh well. I've always wanted a huge family, so I am looking forward to raising our kids together.
@misssydneyj: "We will definitely have dinner and weekend breakfast together!!"
I'd like to think that this will happen (at least for dinner) when we have kids and it probably will when they are young. But as they get older and we have multiple kids involved in different activities with different practice/meeting schedules, I know from experience growing up how impossible eating dinner together each night becomes.
So far I think we're pretty good. I have a 7 y/o son and everyone has always enjoyed him very much so I know when I'm not around he's still actin right. lol
Some big things for me are having a set standard of rules & a set bedtime.
RULES We have 3 rules that we feel cover everything and enforce them no matter how we as parents feel that day... so just b/c I'm tired and don't think it's that big of a deal, doesn't mean DS gets aways with it that day... consistnancy makes huge differences =)
1. No arguing or talking back
2. No throwing fits
3. No lying
I've always been very open and understand with DS and this has really opened up his comfort with coming to me and asking me about things.. which since his dad isn't really part of his life have had some tough ones.
I had parents that I could ALWAYS come to no matter how dumb I may have been, and it made huge difference in the things I got into as opposed to others I grew up with that were pretty much on their own b/c they didn't have that support.
Bedtime: DS has ALWAYS had a bedtime and it's considerable earlier than most children.. after reading numberous articles and journals on sleep deprivation linked to learning issues and behavioral issues, he's just always had the same bedtime... 8/8:30.. with the occasional as soon as we get home it's bedtime.
It was funny to hear just Sunday night about our pastor getting his kids to bed for school and them being like "but it's still light outside"... since DS has always had an early bedtime.. I think I've been asked this like once.. and he was a preschooler. lol
These 2 things have made HUGE differences between my son and other children we know that don't have these.
Other things now are dinner time and DH spends "guy time" with DS every week.. usually playing superhero something or other. lol
For the specifics others posted:
Drinking: We don't drink at all.. not b/c "oooo it's bad" but I've just seen some devestating effects of alcohol and we have plenty of fun without it. DS's father is an alcoholic and at the moment he's following in his dad's footsteps who passed at age 40... All of our children will grow up knowing that alcohol comes with a price and at times a hefty one... some will be legal and others will be relational or health.
Sex: We will definitely be very open about this and just talk about the realities we've come to with and about it... I had a very colorful past before giving my life to Christ.. but now know there's a different and better (yes I said better) way. DH and I waited and can attest and let our children know that it's SO much better to have that kind of intimacy with your spouse.. as opposed to settling outside of that.
Religion DH and I (and DS) are head over heels in love with Jesus.. and the rest of our days as a family and future children will all grow up knowing the same thing. We aren't "religious" but love and follow Jesus. We have built our home structure on this and all of our children will know and see what a life with Jesus does...the provision, growth, and favor... and that's how we'll raise them and how'll we'll structure our home.
When it comes to manners/respect, I feel like I'll be the stricter one. I won't put up with a smart mouth brat. He's a little bit more flexible...I'm sure he'll be wrapped around their finger.
When it comes to other things (drinking, relationships, curfews) I feel like we'll be on the same page. I mean my child wont be drunk and sleeping around at 13, she'll certainly be educated about it. But we're also not going lock her in her room until she's 18.
When it comes to creativity, art, sports, travel, etc, I feel like I'll be the one promoting that more. He wasn't really raised in a home like that, but I was. We both want our children to be well-rounded, intelligent, creative, and free-thinking. Church will definitely be in there...until they're old enough to make decisions on whether or not they'd like to go. Religon won't be forced.
Honestly, I really am not sure exactly how we'll be as parents. My husband was raised by very strict, conservative parents, while I was raised by hippies, so there's a huge difference in how we were brought up. Makes you think I'd be lax about rules and he'd be super strict, but really, we're both pretty moderate about things.
I am far more high-strung than my husband, but he has less patience, so it will be an interesting adjustment. I can see us as parents in a few different lights.
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FI and were having one of our many many discussions on parenting the other day; We know we wont have kids for at least 8 more years but we always have fun discussing how we would react in different scenarios. This all changes of course, but it's interesting to project based on who we are presently.
For example, it seems FI is going to be the strictest parent. He likes curfew, he doesn't like back talk, he is big on respect. He doesn't think kids should be allowed to go out all willy nilly and wants to limit the use of TV. He thinks it's mandatory that kids play sports and go to mass every Sunday. he think it's okay to pop a kid in the rear every once in awhile. He plans to make liberal use of "b/c Im your parent, that's why" by way of explanation.
Me: I think I would be more focused on who my Kids are as human beings, their intent in their actions, and cultivating their critical thinking skills. I think it's okay to have sex as long as you use a condom and hopfully in a relationship. I think it's okay to drink as along as you dont drive and not under 16/17 (yikes I know). I dont think it's a big deal not to have a curfew as long as you act responsibly. I dont like hoochie outfits for girls. I am big on respect but I want kids who are able to express themselves without fear. I will introduce them to and raise them in Christianity, but I dont particularly care if they end up Athiest or buddhist or whatever. I just want smart kids, who have good reasoning and critical thinking skills, who value education. I dont think sports are mandatory, but community service is. I and severely against coporal punishment. Have sex if you desire but pls pls dont make a sex tape. I dont want little Paris Hilton's running around.