Post # 1
My SO and I are somewhat torn on this. He would like a traditional wedding, even if it only was just our immediate family. I am leaning towards a DW/elopement that would be a wonderful way to begin our lives together. We are really open with one another about our wants so the issue isn’t not communicating. It’s just the fact that we can’t come to a good decision that we both love. The one thing we can (kinda) agree on is that we don’t want our day to be a huge event that everyone and their brother is invited to attend.
Did anyone have this dilemma? How did you decide? Did you make a compromise? Are there things that I/we are not considering?
I used to love the idea of a grand ol’ wedding. Fast forward to current day and helping plan my sister’s wedding. I am nearly pulling my hair out and it’s not even our (SO and I’s) special day!!!
I want to hear all your stories/advice/suggestions!
Post # 3
@rosegoldie: What about a DW but with your immediate family only? Make it kind of like a family vacation? Allow for a few days prior to make a fun vacation out of it, then after the wedding, tell everyone see ya! But they still got a vacation.
Are your families in the position to do a vacation like that? Do they like the idea of going on a vacation with a wedding at the end? I think these only work when the family actually wants to vacation at the said location.
I think I would have liked a family only wedding here in my state – like a family reunion (actually this would have been the meeting of the families). But the families said they could not travel (also were not very interested), so the next natural choice was to elope where ever we wanted to go on an awesome vacation! While it wasn’t our first choice, I think in the end it was actually the best choice in hindsight – absolutely no stress!
Post # 4
Reasons we eloped:
I do not like attention…we didn’t even get engaged b/c I didn’t want questions
I wanted our wedding to only be about us
I wanted a stress-free wedding
I didn’t want to have to make a guest list
I didn’t want a shower
I know this is an unusual viewpoint, but I feel like a vow renewal after 10 years together deserves the big party. At that point, I feel we will have actually accomplished something worthy of a big party as opposed to celebrating a decision we made. This is not to say I have a problem with other people’s big weddings (I love attending them)…it just does not make sense for me.
DH would have prefered a small wedding with close family, but that was impossible for me (I’m close to too many family members), so he agreed to the elopement.
Post # 5
LOL! i love your comment “tell everyone see ya!”
the stress factor is huge! as i mentioned i am so freaking out about my sister’s wedding that i can’t imagine planning my own. plus my SO and i have high demand jobs that only have a small window of open time where we can take extended time off together (hello spring!).
unfortunately i’m not sure i can plan a destination wedding for my family without placing them in a financial pinch. my dad lost his job a few years ago and even though he has a new one now, they are still adjusting to the pay decrease. also, they are offering to cover a siginificant portion of my older sister’s wedding this fall, so i imagine doing a DW/vacation in the spring is a tough turnaround. finally, they still have my teenage brother at home, so i know they want to be able to help him out with college when he goes. i am suffering from middle-kid syndrome, lol.
my parents are pretty laid back and have always said a wedding is going to be me and SO’s choice. part of the issue lies in the fact that his parent’s might have a tizzy if we don’t have a traditional wedding with all the family and friends. i would feel awful if an elopement made them upset.
Post # 6
@ladeeeda: i don’t think it’s unusual, i actually completely understand!
i absolutely do not want to be stressed. i have enough stress from my job, why do i need to add planning a wedding to that?
i also like the idea of spending a whole week or more together celebrating each other and all that we’ve been through on top of starting a “new” life together! i have a feeling a guest list for us would grow and grow until it was pointless to had even set a cap on our numbers.
i’ve heard from a lot of people who said there wedding days were an absolute blur and once it passed they couldn’t believe it was over. that seems kind of sad to me! i would want to live in the moment for as long as possible and what better way to do that then elopement and have a week long wedding with your best friend.
Post # 7
@ladeeeda: Pretty much every reason you listed. Number 2 being the biggest one — weddings seem to be about OTHER people, the family and the guests. The more I came to realize that, the less I wanted anything to do with a wedding because I wanted to do what WE wanted to do without others’ opinions.
It was the best decision we have ever made!
Post # 8
@rosegoldie: If you really want to consider your family’s feelings, it would not hurt to ask and tell them your point of view. My H always thought his mom would be devasted with a capital D and then they actually said, “We don’t blame you if you just went off and got married!” Total shock to us. So doesn’t hurt to just put it out there with them.
Another nice alternative that would be very simple – have an immediate family only wedding but then all go out to a lovely restaurant where you can get a private room. All the work is taken care of! Bring a cake and champagne. i mean it’s not the big hoopla traditional style but a) they get to be there, b) they can celebrate with you, c) you don’t break the bank, d) then use all the $ you saved to go to your destination honeymoon. I cannot see how anyone would be upset with that! Unless you have like 15 BFFs that is…
Post # 9
@sienna76: agree. I’d run it by BOTH sets of parents. I brought it up once b/c i have never wanted a wedding and my mom cried.
I had no boyfriend at the time so it wan’t even a possibility but it hurt her so much I knew for me it was out of the question. For someparents the level of selfishness involved in a child eloping is a-kin to the level of selfishness in a suicide. Crazy but apparently true.
Post # 10
@sienna76: thanks for the suggestion!!! do you all think it is a dicussion that should be had before we are engaged or after? i know the minute we get engaged i will bombarded with question on who, what, when, where, how, so that makes me think that it should be before. but i also don’t want to cause any type of hoopla or clutching of pearls by bring it up beforehand. what do you think?
Post # 11
@rosegoldie: That is a good question. I guess that would be up to you.
You could bring it up really generically like, “Oh, my friend’s cousin decided to elope for her wedding and it sounds so stressfree and affordable! Don’t you think that’d be the way to go? Weddings should not be about using all your savings up or going into debt!”
There could be an intial pearl-clutching reaction, but keep the conversation going and point out all the positives.
Post # 12
thanks ladies! it’s so nice to have so many listening ears.
Post # 13
We had many issues with compromise at the beginning too. What I wanted and what my parents wanted were just NOT the same. We originally planned to be engaged for about three years, so we had plenty of time to think, and that helped SO MUCH!! In the first year, we went through many different plans that we were actually started to prepare for, before we all decided, “Nah, this isn’t quite right yet.” Then one day, my mom called me up and said, “Are you sure you don’t want to just go somewhere just the two of you?” As soon as we knew my parents were on board, we decided right then and there, that was it.
We get to have the wedding we want, then a few months later, my parents will have the reception for us that they want. Win-win!
It’s perfect for me, as I didn’t want people watching me saying my vows, especially friends of my parents, which I found really weird. Plus, FI’s mother is a nightmare, and now we don’t have to see her that day. She’ll be pissed when we tell her afterward, but she is pissed about everything, so I couldn’t be happier to leave her out of it.
Post # 14
I sort of always wanted to elope but what solidified my decision was both money and family. One side of my family likes to ruin/complicate/dramatize everything. There would be no winning with them, and it would make me despise my own wedding. I would have to invite everyone and their dog to appease them, and if I didn’t I wouldn’t hear the end of it until I died.
My mom would probably try to put me in the middle of trying to get into a fight with my dad, would try to insist that my step-dad should walk me down the aisle, would get my grandma and aunts involved, and it would be hell. If it isn’t all about her it isn’t happening.
It’s going to be him and I and one friend each. What we want, when we want, how we want, no negativity. With friends who will support us even if we wanted to get married in clown outfits.
Post # 15
@kaciesunshine: I heart your mom That’s so great your parents have your backs!
That’s exactly how I feel too. I told my SO that he’s typically not into big PDA, and I am going to want to be kissing him all the time on our wedding day! I don’t want him to be uncomfortable on one the biggest days of our lives. Plus, I like to share sweet nothings with just him, not an entire group of people!
I’m sorry about your FMIL! Although I don’t see my FMIL reacting too poorly, I am afraid that her emotions will trump any decision we want to make
Post # 16
@deucesarewild1: I know we might be in the minority here, but I truly can’t justify spending a ton of finances on people that aren’t my closest friends and family! My mom and sister got into a little tiff because my sister wouldn’t invite some crazy druggie brother of hers who we haven’t seen since god knows when. I hate the idea of inviting people that just because you don’t want to make a person like your mom upset. I already told my SO that if we choose to go the wedding route vs. elopement we are absolutely NOT accepting any type of financial help from anyone.