Post # 1
This question has been bothering me for a while. Often times I will read posts on the Bee where someone cheats (emotionally or physically) or considers cheating on their SO/ Fiance. Some posters reason that the couple should break up because “if this has happened and you aren’t even married, they will definately do it again.” Then when someone who is married makes a similar cheating post, Bees are more inclined to say that counseling is an option since “you have made a marriage committment.”
My question is what is it about a marriage committment that makes cheating a forgivable offense for a husband/ wife but a deal breaker for an equally committed Fiance/ SO? Basically, For those of you who would break up is a boyfirend/Fiance cheated but consider staying if your spouse cheated in some way, what is you reasoning?
Post # 3
When I married my husband I made a promise of ‘for better or worse’. Cheating would be the ‘worse’. If I were just dating a guy and he cheated on me I would leave him because I made no committment to make it work. If my husband ever cheated on me I would do everything in my power to make our marriage work and fix whatever problems we had so that I didn’t have to break my vow to him.
ETA: I sent this to my husband the other day and it’s so true for us.
Post # 4
I don’t believe the “once a cheater always a cheater” mentality. People make mistakes and some people genuinely regret them and never do it again.
I suppose it’s “acceptable” to work through with a husband or wife because you’re married. It isn’t like you can just say, “We’re done, bye.” because it’s a lot more intensive than that. Divorce is messy. It’s expensive, it’s a lot of paperwork, and it takes its toll on people emotionally and sometimes physically. That’s why people are more likely to “work it out” if it happens in marriage because, who wants to get divorced? Like I said, sometimes people do reform. It could have been just a mistake and if you can get over your mistake and never commit it again, that’s character right there.
With a boyfriend/girlfriend/Fiance/e, it’s a contract that’s more easily broken.
Boyfriend or girlfriend? Just break up. Engaged? Return the ring (or ask for it back) and you’re done. You’re emotionally involved yes, and may have some living arrangements to sort out, but it’s a lot easier than breaking a marriage and thus more “acceptable” to not try to work it out.
ETA: I took my vows seriously when I said them. If my husband cheated on me, we’d have to work it out. He gets one chance. If he did it again, that’s twice he’s broken his vows to me, and if he isn’t going to take them seriously, we’re in this for the wrong reasons.
If a boyfriend/fiance cheated on me, it would really depend on the “offense.” If he slept with someone, definite breaking up. If it was a casual touching/kissing sort of thing, I’d be more inclined to work it out.
Post # 5
I really don’t know how I would react, unless I was actually in the situation. I’ve always thought that cheating is a non-forgivable offense, and if I were just dating someone, I would definitely end it. But I also believe that marriage is a commitment and you must work through your problems, not just give on them. TBH, unless I were actually in the situation, I couldn’t give a true answer of what I would do.
Post # 6
@PamelaBrit: my reasoning is that divorce is expensive.
If he cheats when it’s still easy to get out, then I think it’s foolish to stay. If you have kids, a home, joint finances, etc. then it’s that much more difficult to get out of the relationship since so much more is at stake.
I think that in some cases cheating can be forgiven, and in some cases (married or not), the relationship needs to end, but it’s a case by case basis.
Post # 7
If a BF cheated, I’d break-up in a heartbeat. The dating period is to determine if someone is a suitable long-term mate and if they cheated, I would definitely not stick around.
If a DH cheated, after evaluating the situation, I’d look into working on the marriage depending on the situation. I made a vow.
Post # 8
I think with a boyfriend/FI you are still not as invested in each other. Once you get married most people have children, buy a house, etc… I think if you have children, you should definitely try to work it out for your childrens sake, before giving up on the marriage. But I’m one of those who think, once a cheater, always a cheater, so I think it would be really hard to trust again. I guess I’m not sure what I would do until I’m put in that situation. And each situation is different, so it’s hard to give others advice.
Post # 9
I agree. The vows have been made, and I’d make every effort to work on the marriage, but it could be a dealbreaker, I could still walk even after the counseling.
I have walked out on an ex-fi for cheating. It hurt alot but I was so thankful that I could JUST LEAVE, and not have to deal with any of the bs and no longer have to deal with him.
Post # 10
@PamelaBrit: i’ve noticed this as well!!! i’m curious to see the replies.
Post # 11
The point of dating someone is kind of a…test drive. To use crude terms.
I strongly believe marriage is a covanent (religious, maybe, but definitely emotional, mental, physical, and psychological) to another person. I believe it is a STRONG, important committment and oath to be taken with utter seriousness. So if FH ever cheated on me, I would grieve, but I would be 100% committed to moving on with him after that. But I know he never will, because he is also 100% committed to me.
I think it’s a touchy/tricky subject, but I personally believe 2 people shouldn’t get married, or even considered getting married, unless they’re sure they both have total committment to the other.
Post # 12
If anything, I think the situation is more grave when you’re married. And I would be extra pissed. It wasn’t me that broke a vow if my husband cheated. I would leave him same as a boyfriend depending on the situation. (Long term affair, yeah, no, buh bye.)
Post # 13
@AmyFarrahFowler: Exactly what I was going to say.
Post # 14
@Hyperventilate: I think you said it best!
Post # 15
For me, cheating is in NO way shape or form forgivable. I could CARE LESS about “vows” and what not… Marriage does not mean you are to be with your spouse for the rest of your life regardless of the mistakes he or she makes or there would not be divorce.
Whether it be phyically or emotionally, if my husband ever cheated on me, that would be it. I could NEVER spend the rest of my life with someone who had been attracted to someone else and would NEVER be able to forgive him.
Life is too short, and I do not think cheating is EVER forgivable.
I do feel “once a cheater always a cheater.”
(That is MY PERSONAL OPINION)
Post # 16
For me it’s the same. I don’t care what kind of legal commitment (or not) that we had, if the guy didn’t respect me enough to not cheat on me I’d dump his ass. That is something I could never get over.