Post # 47
I don’t think this year (so far) has been hard for us, but it hasn’t been stress free either. We’ve been married 5 months now, and the stress we’ve had has been from:
– Combining finances – hard to do when you’re in your 30s and have never had to consider/consult someone else when making financial decisions. It took us some time to prioritize our financial goals and set a dollar amounts to each goal. And it takes disipline to put our long term goals ahead of our short term goals.
– Holidays – we’re still figuring this one out. And his parents are divorced, so that complicates things even more. We’re taking it holiday by holiday, but I’m ready to figure out lasting traditions, so we don’t have to “discuss” each holiday.
– Details of living together – He moved in 8 months before we got married, but he felt like it was still my house on some level. He wasn’t being proactive about taking care of things around the house, and its taken him a while to realize its his house too, and taking care of “house things” are his responsibility too.
I think the first year can be hard because there are so many changes to navigate through together. And its the added pressure of knowing you have to figure out a solution that will not only work in the short term, but in the long term as well.
Post # 48
I have to edit my previous post. I found everything in our marriage to be good so far and we’ve been married for over half a year.
I have found that the relationships around us (particularly with my friends) have changed since we’ve been married. I’ve had friends comment about my not having time for them while we were house hunting, people calling me a “docile unambitious housewife” behind my back. so the losing of long term friendships has been hard and it definitely dampens your newlywed happiness.
Post # 49
@Ms. Purple: WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would kick someone’s butt if they told me that. That’s crazy. Sorry you have to go through that.
Post # 50
To answer your question,
I think what can make the first year of marriage difficult is if you and your hubby are faced with a big or difficult decision, or a personal/family event. I guess it can be hard to resovle conflict or be suppostive to your SO in the way that they need to be consoled.
With that being said, I have been married for 2 months and am totally in that ‘nesting’ phase (I baked cookies for xmas for the first time ever, like to make nice dinners more often, host more for get-togethers at home, etc) and I love it!! and we can’t place out finger on it but something has changed, and its for the better. We even argue more constructively. Its crazy and weird, but in a good way!
Post # 51
I didn’t comment on this post when I first read it a couple months ago. I was in the camp of “first year is great!” – that was with about 6 weeks of marriage experience 😉
I’ll tell you what has been challenging for us so far (in my whole 13 week experience to date!) 🙂
1. The holidays – Christmas specifically. Thanksgiving was a breeze because I included DH into our regular family traditions. He was fine with not seeing his family and we discussed having both sides over for Christmas. Seemed like a fair compromise to me. LONG STORY short – it caused HUGE issues for my side of the family and they basically boycotted our invitation to come to our house for christmas – saying it wasn’t ‘tradition’. Of course, none of this was mentioned when the invite presented itself shortly after Thanksgiving – but in the days prior to Christmas. It made for very tense moments and not a very ‘Christmas-like’ atmosphere. DH and I were fine through it for the most part and he appreciated the way I was supporting him through it – but it really got ugly for me (insert lots of tears).
2. Family injury – my mom became disabled which meant she now needs someone to take care of her (basic things like grocery shopping, food prep, etc.). That all equates to me taking time that I normally would spend on DH and our home into things for her and coming home pretty tired/spent. It’s a temporary thing (probably 12-16 weeks), but it’s taking it’s toll on me more than DH. He’s been very understanding about the whole thing, but I can see how if I can’t muster the energy to spend investing in him/us, it could go downhill fast.
3. Personal sickness – about 6 weeks into the marriage, I got sick for 3 weeks. I basically had zero energy and couldn’t do anything. I turned into the excited wife into the lump of a wife, and DH didn’t really equate me not feeling so well (not really showing signs of sickness other than exhaustion) to why I was different.
The only other thing that I could see being a challenge is figuring out what ‘our’ things to do as a couple are. I’m not sure why this seems so challenging. We had a day off together and couldn’t figure out what to do. I think we were both so concerned with making sure the other was happy, that it left us unable to make any decision. We ended up just vegging out and had a great day… but in later talking about it, I’m realizing when it’s just me to figure out, I know what “I” need… but we haven’t really figured out the balance of what ‘we’ need as a married couple (we’ve been together for over 5 years… so it’s not a newness relationship kind of thing).
As far as figuring house/finances, fortunately, that’s been really easy… well, except for me always having to work on keeping the house picked up (mostly my shoes and clothes) (he’s the one that likes order more than me). For those in the same boat – it DOES get easier!!!
Post # 51
I’ve been married for 10 months now, and this first year has definitely been tough. We knew eachother quite well when we married, had been dating for 4 years and lived together for 2.5 of those years. It’s just different when your lives become combined. This year we moved and bought a house, and that definitely added to the stress. Our main fights/ stresses have been:
– Combining of finances: When is it okay to spend money? At what $ amount do we need to let eachother know we’re making purchases? His idea of what is worthwhile for me to spend money on and vice versa.
– Order of priorities: What is important to us? I am a bit older than him, so for me our house and saving for a kid are really important. To him, travel and friends are still big priorities, which definitely causes issues.
– Communicating in general: With eachother, and those who are important to us. Nurturing relationships with his friends and he with my friends becomes more important, since we’re both sticking around in eachothers lives.
Post # 52
1littlep: nothing was difficult about our first year. We already lived together before marriage so there was no adjustment there. It was just our normal relationship carrying on (together 6.5yrs before marriage, lived together for 3.5yrs)…I think our first year was actually better than any of our years so far because we both liked the feeling of being married and more “solid” because we felt more connected. I also still love saying/writing my name with my new last name and love when he says “my wife…”. I’d say we’re even more in love now 🙂
ETA – we aren’t combining finances either so that’s not changing for us either. Easy peasy!
Post # 53
chocolatemalt : I’m glad you commented I will be married a yr in October and just like you we had been living together for years and dated on and off since we were 14 (we are now 33) but this year has been by far the hardest year of our relationship. yet everyone expects us to say it’s been great or it’s un normal to have a ruff year. I am trying to make our marriage a for ever thing and I think that might be the hard part seeing us having such a difficult year and wondering how forever is possible? sorry I don’t have advice just wanted to comment it’s not only hard for those just moving in with each other or haven’t dated for years.to those who’s 1st year has been blessed I’m very happy for you all.
Post # 54
I have been married for 31 years and the first year was not hard at all. We did not live together prior, but I had been living on my own for 10 years.
I was in my early thrities when I got married, had 3 kids, and the only times marriage got rough were all directly due to interence by in-laws.
But throughout it all, I never considered divorce an option. I jokingly tell people who ask, what’s the secret to a happy marriage, ‘Don’t Leave. Simple as that.” But there’s truth to it.
I remember my husband and I went through a particularly dark period that lasted a couple of years. I had 3 kids ages 5, 4, and 2, and didn’t work for two years because juggling childcare just wasn’t working. My in-laws continually told my husband I should be taking in other kids to earn money, or find some other way of earning, and kept making comments as if I were taking advantage of him. I think he fell for it at times, and it caused a tremendous amount of friction.
But at the end, we came out of it, and I knew we were in it for the long haul. I think when you go through a dark period and come out as best friends again, you just know it’ll all be OK.
Post # 55
1littlep : my Mum was diagnosed with cancer & had a huge operation, I had 2 miscarriages and my Grandma died, all within 6 months of getting married, but despite that we managed ok! I think had that stuff not happened then it would’ve just been a year like any other as our relationship didn’t change just because we were married.
Post # 56
- Wedding: September 2016 - Simsbury 1820 House
We will be at a year in September and it really wasn’t too difficult. We already lived together for a year though before the wedding so that helped a lot. Balancing families and your traditions as a couple can be hard around the holidays. Trying to make everyone happy while also working to establish your family and how you want holidays and such to be. Also family might start treating you differently. I know my FIL opened up a lot more on our wedding day and after to me and really accepted me into the family.