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I'm so sorry, this sounds so frustrating.
I think the first thing would be to talk to your FI about this and ask him if he would check with you before inviting anyone else. Next, set up a timeline with his fam regarding the $$$. ie: you'll need x amount for catering by x date. Perhaps that will help to curb their spending/inviting.
Big hugs!
if it helps, im having everyone who may want to invite people (both sets of parents and FH) make an A and B list - the A list are those people that 100% MUST be there, and the B is a "would be nice" kind of list
if they STILL have too many on the A list, try to do 2 rounds of invites (sneaky sneaky, though) - kind of wait to see how many attending you have after the first 120 invites are RSVPed, and then start sending out additionals after that - the timing can be kind of tricky though to ensure that people don't figure out that they were B-list move-ups
ah - the opposite of my problem.
speak to you FH and tell hom - 120 is 120. you can't break fire codes just to please his family. tell him you need a cut off point for the list that everyone agrees too and there's no adding on after this is reached.
that's so frustrating! I wouldn't know what to do if I were you! = (
I'm so sorry that you're having this problem! It really sounds like you and your fiance need to get on the same page, though. Really sit down with him with some numbers in hand. If all of his coworkers come, it will add X amount of dollars to your final bill. When you have concrete numbers in hand, it's much easier to pare down the list.
Maybe have a separate party with coworkers to celebrate the engagement/marriage? Then you can include those people that your fi wants to include without adding everyone to the guest list.
Also, have a heart to heart with his family in a similar way. If you guys are footing the bill, then they'll have to respect your wishes for a smaller wedding. Good luck!
Well hopefully you haven't actually invited anyone yet and this is just a list they're working on. We categorized people 1-3. Then we figured out a rough cost per person - keeping that in mind really helped us remember not to invite everyone. The $$ should help FI and his family. Then we figured out a final list - we ended up not inviting anyone on the 3 list. We only invited people we plan to maintain friendships with long term.
i know how you feel.
my FI insists on giving everyone a plus one. i have so much family that it equals more than his list together, and i've tried telling him he could invite more friends, if he took out the unneeded people.
I know how you feel, he and his mom kept adding people and were now 30 adults ov he limit, not including children. and when i told him was he stressed? NO he said not to worry because people might not come, UM what if they do???
yall all have great suggestions.
luckily *i* am in charge of mailing and sending both the STD's and the invites, and they will NOT be getting any copies of the invitations, so quite frankly when push comes to shove, no space no invite. im leaving his work folks til last.
i just talked to his mom and told her how im stressing out. i mean im not even having alot of the folks *i* want there because i know there are space and money issues. so how does that make me feel when they kinda disregard that?
their thought is "oh people will say no, it will work out" but WHAT IF THEY SAY YES!?
right now im not sending STD's to the random people that they keep adding - if its someone that was an obvious oversight like a godmother or something of that nature sure, but otherwise, sorry.
at least this way i can keep working on them with the lists and hopefully have this solved by invitation time.
thanks for the vote of confidence girls!
If the most you can have is 120 people I wouldn't invite anymore than that. There's enough stress already without having to worry about having too many people at the reception.
Doesn't it seem logical if there are only 120 spots available then you and your parents should get 60 and your FI and his famly get 60. It upsets me that your aunts and uncles can't come so your FI's mother can invite random friends. It doesn't seem fair.
I totally know how you feel. My FH's Mom gave me a list of 105, and we were trying to keep it to 150! That didn't even include his friends. What, was I supposed to invite only 10 people? We argued about it a lot, and finally negotiated that distant cousins that he doesn't regularly see wouldn't make the cut. The funniest part was, there were people in the list that my FI didn't even KNOW! Like, never even heard of!
Our final guest list ended up at 186, and we are expecting about 160 to show up. I think you just need to lay it out there and let him know it's not fair that he gets to invite twice as many people as you.
yall are right, i am just not looking forward to the convo because i dont want to seem like a bridezilla, but it really isnt fair.
ask yourselves which of these guests you would actually stay in touch with if you move or switch jobs. If you don't think you will stay in touch with those people then don't invite them.
this gears off topic a bit, but with such a large extended family, how are you going about inviting some but not others? i'm trying to cut down my list too, and i would rather not invite all 90 aunts/uncles/cousins but i wouldn't know how to cut out some but not others.
sorry you're dealing with this. i would say you are safe to invite 10 more than capacity...but if you are worried about it and think all WILL show, than just invite 120 from MUST list and have backups to send once your rsvps start rolling in.
I feel your pain. We also were trying to keep our list at 120 because of a smaller venue and budget but are now at 136 thanks to my FH inconsiderate mom who by the way is not paying a dime for anything. me and my FH searched forever to find our perfect venue and when we finally found it we were in love......and when we told his mom that we are not going over 120 guests she had the nerve to tell us we should not have booked a small venue because she wants her dentists parents there and other random people who my FH doesnt know! Bottom line is it's our wedding....we are adullts ....and are paying for this ourselves....so she has a right to her opinion but will not get her way. Just make sure that you and your FH talk it out together and try not to allow your future mom-in-law take over control.
Our venue holds 200... I think our list is up to 230- yikes!
@jennhasfeet - for family the cut off was aunts and uncles get an automatic invite (thats 18 plus their spouses) and after that, only cousins and family that i actively have a relationship with. so it ends up being just 5 additional "family" who are my cousins who stay in touch with me on a weekly basis and actually know who FH is...
im also doing a kid-free wedding, so that cut down ALOT, and i only picked people i have known forever, and people i expect to still be friends with even after job/circumstances change.
unfortunately FH doesnt get that part. *sigh*
I'm sorry - this is such a crummy situation. While I agree with your FH and FILs that people will respond no, if you have a strict capacity and financial limit, you really do need to be careful not to invite too many people. Decide what you think is a realistic rsvp rate, whether it's 80%, 90%, 100%, whatever, and don't invite more people than that. Stand strong :)
Don't worry about coming off as a bridezilla. It's completely unfair for someone to label you as one when the decision in question has to do with your budget and they aren't contributing any money. Say you decided that you'll only invite x number because of your estimated rsvp rate. Tell them that to be fair, they get to invite half of the guest list and you and your family get to invite the other half of the guest list. Tell them that you and your FH don't want to go into debt to throw the wedding, and as of right now, all you can afford are 120 guests. Force them to make the cut. Let them know how much each guest costs - make sure to include everything in the number - food, linens, centerpieces, alcohol, favors, cake, parking, tax, tip, etc. Each guest costs far more than just the price of a meal. Tell them that you're flexible in changing your wedding venue to accomodate their guest list (if you actually are), but that you'll need your FILs to cover the cost of any lost deposit on your current venue, any new deposit on a new venue, and any of the total final bill over what you've currently budgeted. I know it could be totally uncomfortable, but they've put you in an uncomfortable position too. It's not fair for you to be unhappy just to make them happy. They're being future in-law-zillas ;) Good luck!
I feel your pain. My FI wants to invite random people from college that he's no longer in touch with because he really likes them, or a best friend from elementary school who he hasn't spoken to since junior high.... um, no.
A suggestion that might work for your FI's work friends: my sister had a very small wedding last fall and she felt too guilty not inviting her work associates but she didn't extend +1s to them. She figured that they all know eachother and could hang out together (on our list the only people getting +1s are people with serious long term partners or people who won't know more than a couple other people there). It worked out well because they could be included but the guest list didn't go up so much and she knew everyone there and wasn't just inviting random people (like a co-workers SI). Maybe your FI would be comfortable with this option? (After he and his mom have trimmed their list a lot... I'm also mad that you're not getting 1/2 the invites! Not fair!)
I think with a wedding guest list you just have to be ruthless. People will get over it. Weddings have changed so much in the past 20+ years,that many people who haven't been to one in awhile, really can't see it. In days past,people invited everyone who was related to them, neighbors, co-workers, business associates and distant family friends, many of whom they hadn't been in contact with for many years. People thought of wedddings as big social events/family reunions/it only happens once kinda things. 300 guests was the norm, with most of them being guests of the parents with only a few friends of the couple being invited, and food was pretty simple, centerpieces were basic, and everything was along the lines of a nice party. Different social circles celebrated differently,but for most people ,this is just how it was.
As costs of all services have risen, weddings have changed. People have to be more cost conscious and many can't afford to have everyone and their mothers invited. The equitable thing to do is to simply divide the list in half by family. Period. If you don't do it that way you may not be able to avoid all the headaches that may arise.
For both of my daughter's weddings,WE are inviting exactly 3 couples that are not family. The groom's family is doing the same. If anyone's feelings have been hurt by it I haven't heard,but,it isn't OUR wedding,its our daughter's wedding. They should get to invite who THEY want to have there,not the other way around. (At MY wedding, I had just 9 friends there and the rest were family.)
Good luck! I hope you can find a way to work this out!
Oh dear....I COMPLETELY understand what you are going thru. My venue holds 200 and my fiance had to go back to his parents 4 times with their list to have them cut it. We told them they get 50 guests (they aren't giving any $$ either) and it wasn't until that last time when I took their list and numbered each individual guest they realized they were way over their count.
I had to explain to my fiance multiple times....there is nowhere else to put these people if we go over. Then he finally got it. So he went back to them and explicitly said there is limited room, anything over 50 and you need to put them on a B list. I told him he has to do it, because I didn't want that coming from me.
(He too wanted to invite his whole office - working there for less than 2 years), while I've worked at mine for 6 years and also only inviting 3 people. I hear you girl....what's not to understand about a limited head count?
At least you aren't the only one going thru it. Good luck, and I just explained (calmly) that we need to cut down their lists!!!
@smyley....perfectly stated...I just don't understand! Since mailing out our invitations at the beginning of Feb we have had quite a few issues with his family of course wanting to add people, and not helping financially, His grandmother went so far as to take it upon herself and invite whomever she wanted, regardless of the fact that this person did not even receive an INVITATION from us, her point is, well oh so so cant make it so that frees up space.
We were like NO...and if it does WE will decide who to replace them with, not YOU! I'm so annoyed with her right now...and the more fiance tries to explain she just says "well, you all should have had it at a less expensive place so everyone could come"----she needs to understand that this is OUR wedding, that WE are paying for!
yeah i think people just dont know whats involved in weddings these days - the hard part is that FH has never really helped plan a wedding - hes been in a few recently - but you know how guys are its "where do i get my tux and when do i show up for the free booze?" has no concept of what goes into it to make it a good wedding. My FIL are well intentioned i think but honestly i dont think they have actually been to a real full on wedding since like before reagan was president! i actually had FMIL say to me after i told her - its limited space in the church -"but the church is open to anyone who wants to come!!!" um no its not. its my wedding the church has a capacity and i dont want some random person taking a spot that was meant for my granny. maybe in 1970 thats how it went, but yeah no.
im happy to know that im not alone (well not happy but you know what i mean) but man is it frustrating!!!!!
I think you're playing it right. You've basically set up your own A-list and B-list. I think you should tell your FILs and FH AND your parents that NO ONE ELSE is getting added to the A-list. NO ONE. Not even Jesus. The list is full. If they would like to keep dropping names, then you will be putting them on the B-list (which already has X number of people on it...) which is reserved for any "No" RSVPs you receive. Explain that you legally CANNOT accomodate everyone, that the church has a limit. And DO say exactly what you said above, you don't want some random second cousin sitting in the church seat that your granny should have gotten!
If you really wanted to be sneaky, you could make two invites and put the ceremony time 30 minutes late on one of them...but that's evil and wrong. (And also a brilliant idea?)
Thats hard! I think you can invite slightly more than 120, but it depends on the crowd. We are inviting 200 and only have room for 175 but about 40+ of those are out of town that would have to fly.
Can you maybe determine an amount that you can invite and then prioritize the list?
The B list is your friend. Embrace the B list. Force your family to embrace the B list.
At this point, I DO NOT CARE if my parents or future in-laws get pissed at me. I don't care if they have to explain to the people they drunkenly invited in Mexico that they were mistaken. It isn't my fault. Any new people can just go on the B list! Maybe the drunken Mexican invite will stand in the end, but I'm NOT stressing about my venue's capacity so they can jump the gun and invite them for real before I get twelve more nos.
Someone above mentioned how families are like, well cousin Ethel can't make it so now I can invite my friend's brother! Uh, no. Now I can invite my FRIEND who was on the B list. ARGH!
@ mighty saphire - i thought about changing the time on the invite to the ACTUAL start time of the wedding which will be 230, because usually my family is on CP time, so everything starts late, but at least if i put 230 then half the folks will be about 15 mins late and the ceremony will probably be almost done by then LOL
and im all about the b list. i figured out that with the capacity we dont have to include the bridal party so that makes it 134 TOTAL. so no more than that, and that includes the spouses of the bridal party. i simply WILL NOT send out invites over tha tnumber. anyone over that goes on a b list and doesnt get an invite until i get a no.
Wow. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am - my parents aren't inviting anyone. I don't really understand why parents GET to invite people?? They got married already...this is your wedding. You should get to have your own guest list. ESPECIALLY if they are not contributing.
I went the A and B list route. We had two sets of response cards printed, with different dates and asked for the first of invites fairly early. We also made sure to keep whole "categories" of people together, so all "work" people were on either the A list or the B list, but not spread between the two.
I propose you print him a numbered list with spots for 60 names and their address and meal preference. Make the paper special looking and say it's the Official List you need to turn into the catering department. Let them work it out themselves.
You on the other hand, have your own spiffy list and be sure to fill it. This way all is fair.
Good luck!
inviting a little over the limit would be ok because some people might not come. but sounds like hes going over board. tell him that he can only invite CLOSE friends and family. NOT THE OFFICE!
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OMG my FH and his family are driving me nuts.
the venue holds 120. thats it. 120. I didnt want a big wedding (uncomfortable in large crowds and being center of attention and wanted people I KNOW there not strangers) and that is what my parents can afford. but they keep adding people to their list. they already have over 80 people. AND KEEP COMING UP WITH MORE.it wouldnt be as bad if FH hadnt invited half his office to come- im only bringing 3 from my office. i tell him he hardly knows these people and its doubling everything because they are all married and you HAVE to invite the spouses.
i only have 50 people TOTAL - mind you i have a TON of aunts and uncles and over 70 cousins, many who are not invited because of space and $$ constraints.
how do i get FH to understand, while yes offering to pay for whatever is nice of you (even though i have yet to see any $$ from his fam, and they were complaining about doing the RD) but theres a capacity limit - 120! you dont invite 150+! what happens if they all say YES?! seriously?!?!?!?
sorry. had to vent. i really dont know what to do with this.