Post # 1
I’m stressed to the max today, as DD is spending her first day in the toddler room at daycare, and DH has a big ceremony tomorrow for which I am providing food for ~100 people. So I need some laughs to help me relax!
When I say “reusable situational joke”, I mean a joke you can use a million times in your life, whenever a certain common situation arises.
One of my favorites is something you say when you stumble on absolutely nothing while walking. You turn back and look at the nothing you stumbled on, point at it, and angrily shout “HAVE THAT REMOVED!” in your best boss voice. I saw someone do this once and it was absolutely hysterical (and really kills the embarrassment you feel after you trip on nothing), so I’ve stolen it for my own use.
As for the one that makes me cringe, it’s gotta be the ol’ “won’t get far without these!” that everyone says whenever they leave their keys somewhere. I say it too, and I HATE IT! Ahh! So unoriginal! We need to come up with a better joke for when we leave our keys somewhere and have to go back for them all sheepish like. Anyone have any ideas to help me out with this one?
I have about a million of these, but I don’t want to fire off all my ammo in the OP, so hopefully you guys have some good ones too to help brighten my day 🙂
Post # 2
iarebridezilla: I’ve done the tripping over something but I’ll apologize to the inanimate thing like I bumped into a person.
As for the keys, I’d try to avoid the overly used “won’t get far joke” too and just say I was hoping it’d get stolen. (Worked better with an old car!)
Post # 3
Oh and one that makes me cringe; I used to be a cashier and EVERY TIME something wouldn’t ring up, without failure, the customer would say “So it’s free right?” harty har har
Post # 4
playdohpants: Ha! I like that apologizing to the inanimate object one. That’d probably work well if you walk into something like a pole or a doorframe. “OMG sorry, didn’t see you there! Are you okay?”
And oh god, yes, I used to cashier as well and “it’s free” got old after the first day. I had a customer once say something like “this is your ten-key pop quiz, I guess” (since I would have to manually enter the UPC) and I legitimately giggled at that one.
Another one I love is whenever you drop things, knock something over, whatever other clumsy embarrassing thing, you look around and try to make eye contact with everyone who saw you do it while belligerently shouting “I DID THAT ON PURPOSE.” It’s the belligerence that sells it.
Post # 5
I have a few, which I hate (but use):
#1 “That’s what she said!” – whenever it can be inappropriately added to a statement.
#2 When someone wants to borrow something (ie a pen), and says “May I see your pen?!” I hold it up and go ‘see!!’ and do not immediately hand it over. (An old boss did it once to me, so annoying…lol)
#3 “Im going to run over to so and so’s house to pick up x,y,z”. My programmed response: “I would drive, it will be quicker”. (when i obviously know they were planning on driving…)
Post # 6
OUgal0004: I’m a total sucker for “that’s what she said” when it’s applied to an absolutely horrifying situation where “she” would never say anything of the sort. Something like … “just shove it as hard as you can, and if it rips, it rips.” “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” Just f***ing kills me every time.
Post # 7
As for another one that makes me cringe … I had a friend who would respond to any pregnancy announcement with “I’m sorry.”
No matter how many times he was told that that was a really offensive and fucked up thing to say, he insisted it was hilarious and people were just too sensitive. -_-
Post # 8
- Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club
Whenever I can’t get something to work, I tell FI that he broke it. He replies, “Nope, you’ve just got your ‘mouth/elbow/random body part’ held wrong.” It’s a dad joke and he’s not even a dad yet, but it makes me laugh. Blender’s broken? Nope, you’re just not holding your knee at the right angle for it to work.
I have to take customer calls and ask, “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” “Yeah, do you have the winning lottery numbers?! Hahahahaha!” …if I had those, would I have just spent 45 minutes talking to you about drug testing and your hesitance to do it? Ugh.
Post # 9
They aren’t as reusable as others, but I always appreciate a good date joke:
“Justin Timberlake must be so excited. It’s April 30. Tomorrow, it’s gonna be May.”
Which reminds me…
It’s October 1. Better go wake up Green Day.
Post # 10
wvlefty: Ha!!! Whenever I couldn’t get something to work, my dad would always say “sounds like user error to me,” so of course now I say that to DH all the time. And then he says it right back to me whenever I’m having problems with something. It is the most infuriating thing ON THE PLANET when you’re already mad that the ____ isn’t working — I mean murderous-rage-inducing level of infuriating — but of course that doesn’t stop us all from saying it all the time.
Post # 11
I’ve been using “the struggle is real” and “first world problems” alot because I’m surrounded by lawyers and we unjustifiably complain about the dumbest crap in the world.
I hate “that’s what (s)he said” (mainly because I’m always late to the party and someone else says it before me haha).
Post # 12
iarebridezilla: When I trip on something, be it real or imaginary, I like to use, “Ay! Sorry dog!” a la Anjelah Johnson. If you haven’t seen her, look her up on YouTube. “Sorry dog” is in her Homecoming Show and it’s perfect for when you trip on shit!
Post # 13
I’m at a low level job right now, and for me and most of my (extremely overqualified) co-workers its just a temporary situation until we can find something better. Whenever stupid things go wrong at work, we love to go, “This is above my pay grade!!” to make all of us laugh.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
My husband and I love to bust out the double entendre “let’s do it” joke. Example: “Do you want to go out and get some dinner tonight?” “Yeah let’s do it! …And then we should go to dinner.” Wah wahhhh. It’s so dumb but it always makes me laugh, every single time.
Post # 15
ClassicCorvette: haha I like that one. I work at a labor union, so our personal favorite is always “that’s not in my job description.” Never gets old!