Post # 1
This is a sticky issue and I just want your opinions. I don’t really get too hurt over what my fiance chooses, but I just want to know some bees opinions. I always enjoy reading the posts because they often times contain varying opinions.
Fiance is close to his family. Family lives 3 hours from him while I am also 3 hours from him in different directions. Who should he see more often? We don’t really get to see each other that much and are 3 hours away mid wedding planning. I talked to my friends about this and they keep telling me I am being too soft and that he needs to devote his time to his future wife. I do agree that he should be seeing me often but I don’t want to rid him of his parents. His parents sometimes decide to go to his city and then it’s hard for me to stay there (extra guest room is taken by them and I don’t want to sleep with him in his bed with them in the house). Sometimes it gets frustrating because I want some one-on-one time with him before the wedding. It is also frustrating when they show up at his door because then he can’t help my parents and I plan in my hometown which is where I am living. Should I be upset if he begins spending his weekends with his parents more often? I Know we need to address this because in college, he was going home every other weekend and I think that was a bit much…I am just hoping he can transition well.
This topic was modified 3 years ago by ruphiolis.
This topic was modified 3 years ago by ruphiolis.
Post # 2
Going by your post, it is not clear just exactly how much time he spends with you vs. his parents? Also, I would not listen to your friends and instead go by how YOU feel about how much time he spends with his parents. Every woman is different, and what you are okay with might not be acceptable to another person and what is not okay with you is totally fine for others. If YOU feel angry and irritated because you feel your FI spends way too much time with his family and not enough time with you, then yes, this is a boundary issue and you must talk to him about getting his priorities straight and as his soon-to-be-wife, let him know that how he allocates his time is not acceptable to you.
But if you’re actually okay with your arrangement and it doesn’t really bother you (except when other people point it out), than I would ignore what your friends tell you and not cause “drama” in your relationship when you really don’t mind how much time he spends with his family. Again, this all boils down to how YOU feel and what it is you want in your relationship.
Post # 3
I second PP. You guys have to decide what feels right for you, regardless of what other people say. The only thing I would say is that it might be time for him to start setting some boundaries with his parents. It sounds like they are just dropping by his house unannounced to stay for the weekend, even if you’re already visiting. If this is the case, he should start letting them know that they will need to schedule their time with him in advance. Correct me if I’m interpreting this wrong.
Post # 4
You will make your FI very resentful if you make him chose between you and his family.
I agree that it sounds like some boundaries need to be set. His family should not be dropping in unannounced. But if he is very close to his family, then he really may enjoy seeing them. I don’t know from your post how often he sees them vs seeing you.
Look at it this way too. You are going to be spending a LOT more one on one time with him when you get married. If he has trouble saying no to his family though, that’s another issue.
You both need to sit down and talk like adults about this. You seem very jealous from the amount of time he spends with his family and like I said in my first sentence, if you put him in a position where he needs to choose, it’s lose-lose for everyone.
No one can decide this for you. You both need to work this out together.
Post # 5
I think you just need to pre-plan your time. “FI, I need you in my town on these dates for these things and I was thinking on visiting you on these dates. Do you have anything on that would conflict? Can you make sure your family knows that you will be busy on those dates?”
Also be sure to make the effort to visit his family with him. That way you get to spend time with him and his family doesn’t see it as your vs their time with him, rather, it’s everyone’s time with him.
Just sit and talk it out with him and come up with a solution together. But be sure not to bring anyone else’s feelings or opinions into the conversation. This is about what you think and feel not your friends.
Post # 6
What are the living arrangements going to be after you marry? Have you disussed how often you’ll be visiting both sets of parents? We visit my parents a good amount, but since we’ve been dating, that is usually with my husband, though occasionally by myself. I don’t think there are set rules when it comes to things like this, you just have to find out what works best for the two of you. If you need him for a weekend – tell him that and he should plan accordingly.