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She sounds really selfish and rude to be honest. People like that suck, especially since you sound a lot like me and I would have done what you did and feel exactly the way you feel.
As low as it might be, I'd guilt her. Really. Even if it's through word of mouth.
I doubt, even with that she'll show, and you may be better off. SHe seems to interested in her own wedding and collecting presents then caring about other people - and sadly that will probably never chage in her. If you're going to her wedding, I'd not gbuy her a gift and just give her a card, since it seems she's doing all this for the gifts I'd take that away from her.
Just know you're the bigger person and that counts for something!
She seems super annoying and i am so sorry you have to deal with her, but take comfort in the fact that you were the bigger person and went to her shower. I think you should continue to be the bigger person and go the their wedding regardless of whether or not she comes to yours and/or gets you a gift. You can skip the housewarming/shower and say you have other plans but you should try to go to their wedding if you can.
Ummm...... really it's a shame you guys are in this situation where you feel you have to invite folks 'cause you should' - and also that you're focusing so much on the receprications.
A. You need to invite people to your wedding/showers that you care about and want to share your day with. If they come they come, if they don't they don't.
B. As far as her shower, you went because you felt it was the right thing to do. You need to leave it at that. And know in your heart you felt you did the right thing. That doesn't mean you can make her come to yours or be mad at her for not coming.
People make their own choices in life. Don't let her choices/actions effect your day at all! Because obviously it's not really a 'friendship' - so who cares if she comes or not.
It's a shame what they said they did with their shower gifts - but to each his own. Obviously you don't agree with the way they are living their lives - which is fine. I would just distance myself from them and not 'fake' a friendship. You get to choose who you surround yourself with - and I can tell you don't really want it to be this couple. I wouldn't want to hang out with them either :)
Why would you want her at your wedding shower? As she stated, she doesn't want to be there and would likely only bring down the mood of whatshould be a happy celebration.
Also, responding to Sweeney, are you suggesting that kpenn guilt the other girl - and then you are saying to be the bigger person? Being the 'bigger person' does not involve guilt trips.
Also, talk about poor taste... throwing your own shower?! So not cool. And I also think it's in bad taste to say you returned all your gifts and bought a big screen TV. What in the world is the point of registering? I don't know, it would be weird if you didn't invite them to the wedding now, but I can't say I'd blame you if you didn't! Haha. Sorry I didn't give much advice, but I just thought I'd throw in my two cents!
You and Jane each have similar attitudes toward one another's showers. You didn't want to go to her shower because you would know only one person there, who you haven't been friends with since childhood. She doesn't want to go to your shower because she would know only one other person there, and if that person doesn't go she doesn't want to go either because then she would know no one.
Just because you took the high road and went to her shower and got her a present doesn't mean that she is obligated to come to yours or to get you a present. That type of thing is always voluntary. Yes, it would be nice if she came on principle, but do her presents and presence really mean that much to you? You barely know one another and it sounds like you don't even like her a whole lot. Why worry about what this woman you barely know and barely like is doing?
If you are inviting Tim to the wedding, then you have to invite Jane too if she is his fiancee. Given that, I would extend her an invitation to the bridal shower out of courtesy (despite not wanting to go, she might be offended if she's not even invited--wouldn't you have been, had the situation be reversed?). Her behavior at the party, telling everyone how they had returned their gifts to buy an HDTV, well, that's just crass on her part. Just another reason why you don't need to waste your time worrying about this girl! Do your social duty by inviting her but don't expect anything. Keep yourself occupied with people who really care about you and you'll have a fabulous time!
Thanks everyone.
chelseamorning - I would not invite Tim and not Jane. I would not invite either of them. I really don't care if I ever see them again, since she clearly does not give a darn about me. I went to her shower to be nice and be a big person. I also sent her a note after telling her that her shower was lovely - no response from her. I understand that no one is obligated to come to a shower - I'm just mad that she is talking to Carrie about how she doesn't want to go and she's got no interest and how she returned my gift etc etc etc. I know that you all will say "then why do you want her there?" and I don't really want her there. Nor do I want her or her fiance at our wedding. So that is my big dilemna. A few people have said not to invite them, while others are saying that since they are in our group of friends that I have to invite them. I just don't know what to do. We used to get along better than we do until we booked our wedding a bit over a month before theirs. She is mad about it even though there will only be about 12 people that will attend BOTH weddings...
It is your wedding -- if you don't want them there then don't invite them. Your "circle" of friends is obviously a mixed group of people and it sounds like you are closer to some than others, so invite the people you and your fh want there!
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Ok, here's the thing that i have been doing, since I have been in kind of similiar situation. I simply stopped doing things because I felt obligated, or that I had to. I now only do things that make me and my fiance happy. I have only invited people to the wedding that we are close with, and that did mean not inviting a good amount of people that were in the circle of friends. And I don't feel about about it at all. I don't care if i was invited to their wedding, shower, etc. All I care about is whether or not seeing them will make me happy on my wedding day. If not, then, sorry, see you when i see you. Its not happy, but i don't need anyone giving me bad vibes, and quite frankly at the amount of money we are spending per person, i just can't justify it. So, i say, move on, forget her and tim, and just concentrate on all the wonderful friends and family you will be with.
I understand what your going through I have to invite my Fi's friends girlfriend who hates me and is an all around b*tch but you dont have to invite her to your shower. She sounds super tacky and not worth your time.
Everyone who gets invited to the wedding doesn't have to be invited to the shower. Likewise, the shower should be your friends, not necessarily significant others of your FI's friends. Just don't invite her, if you don't really want her there.
I would also say the same about the wedding, although that's a little different situation, since her FI is your FI's (used-to-be) friend. Although that doesn't obligate you to invite them either. When we set up the "rules" for our guest list, we decided that anybody we didn't consider a close friend didn't make the cut - mostly because if we invited all our casual friends we would have had 300 people. It doesn't sound to me as if this couple meet the definition of close friends, so possibly they don't need to be invited to the wedding either. And I agree - try hard not to invite anybody just because you feel like you are obligated to. A past friendship, an invitation to another wedding, a work relationship - none of those obligate you to invite someone to your wedding. Really. Just invite the people that you want there. I foresee years of unenthusiastic frenemy type relations between you and this couple, as you both curse each other while you return the favor for social invitations for events that you didn't want to attend anyway. Just break the cycle now!
I've finally gotten to the point in my life where I don't do things I don't want to do. Easier said than done, but I'm very proud of that. If she doesn't want to go, don't stress...you'll probably have a better time without her there anyway.
As for the greedy shower gift issue, that's a flaw that you have no control over. Deep breath...there are bigger fish to fry.
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Ok Bees,
I need some advice.
I'm having a bit of an issue with the fiance (let's call her Jane) of FH's friend (Tim). Just to preface the issue - Jane and I are not friends. We are civil when we see eachother, but that's about it. FH and Tim are not close friends. It's one of those friendships where you have known someone since you are 5, and you see each other occasionally, but don't ever call each other or hang out just on your own.
About 2 months ago Jane had her (first) bridal shower. I did not really want to go, as I am not friends with her, and was only going to know one person there (who I have not been friends with since we were 10). Anyway, I got Jane a gift and went to her shower because it was the right thing to do. I stayed about 2 1/2 hours (I had already informed Jane that I would be unable to stay for the entire shower, because I had an appointment which is true). So I waited until the brunch was over, she had opened my gift and several others before I left.
Now my shower is being held in about a month. I learned from a friend of mine (Carrie), that Jane does not want to attend my shower. She told Carrie that if she isn't going to go, to let her know, because she wont' know anyone and she doesn't want to go anyway.
I am super upset about this. She should go because I went to hers. She doesn't have to stay - just pop in for a half an hour - the venue is literally 2 minutes from her house. It's not even about a gift - it's about the fact that I showed her and Tim enough respect to go to her shower, and now she is saying she's probably not coming to mine???
Not to mention, Jane and Tim registered for practically everything in the store. Then at this party on the weekend, they proceeded to brag to everyone there (no one at the party had gone to the shower) that they had received "So much useless S*%& at the shower" that they returned ALL OF IT and bought a big screen HD tv. (AND they are still having another shower, a stag and doe they are throwing THEMSELVES and a housewarming party).
My feeling is that if Jane does not come to my shower, that I do not want to invite her to the wedding. Her wedding is just over a month after ours, and I would not plan to attend hers either.
Please tell me bees - what would you do??