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Hmmmm...I so was going to initially write this under a pseudo name but I figured what the hell...
So I got laid off about a year and a half ago (amidst wedding planning) :( but luckily our company gave us a pretty good severance package and we were able to make do...fast forward to about a year later severance runs out but whoo hooo! I get a job back at the same company that previously laid me off...but it's in a different position doing part-time work. So I hustle until I can find something more permanent. Score! lucky me after working 8 months, I get offered my dream job, but its working in NY. So me and hubs would have to move. Problem. Hubs doesn't want to move. Nor would he have a job. His family lives here in DC and he doesn't want to "leave them". I explain that this is an opportunity of a lifetime and that I would be able to be a stay at home mother with this job. Score! Problem: Hubs does. not. want. to. leave. DC. I speak with my would-be boss to explain that I wont be able to take the position and we probably wont be moving and he tries to see if he can pull some strings to get him a job at the company working in IT because he thinks its a "job" issue...So what should I do?
I need an objective ear...everyone that I talk to thinks my husband is crazy, but he really feels the need to stay close to his parents...I don't have that same need since I went away to college, but he didn't...he is born and raised and went to college here...
so to those of you that have stayed in the same place and don't want to move, what would you think if your SO wanted to pack bags and leave because of a job? Would you leave, or would you stay and for what reasons?
I guess I just really need some support too because this was basically a dream job that I see going down the tubes... :(
I think this is a really personal issue. With that said, I would see about finding a place in the middle and commute via train. It would suck but might work? Tell him that you two need to compromise, that your job prospects do not look very good in D.C.
hmmm this is a really tough issue but personally i'm with your Hubs on this one. To me family is super important. I want to have the sort of family relationship that is only possible with close physical proximity. I want my brother to drop by and hang out on a tuesday. I want my mom to be a call away to come babysit my hypothetical future children. I told FH very early on in our relationship that I do not forsee myself moving anywhere that is too far away from my parents that I can just hop in the car and swing by their house on a whim. While he does not have the same relationship with his family nor the same need for closeness, he understand that this is very important to me and this is something that is not negotiable. He is currently looking to switch jobs and while there are goo opportunities elsewhere, he is not looking into them.
While a dream job is certainly an amazing thing, I believe the MOST important thing in life are the people we love and our relationship with them. There will always be other jobs but family is irreplaceable.
I was told by my FI that he will not leave where we live because his mom is here and there is no other immediate family for him. I don't think he would even consider it until she passes away which I pray will be a very long time. I don't know that I would be able to have my dream job where I currently live but I am willing to wait until later in life so he can be near his mom. I love her dearly and wouldn't want to put a strain on our relationship because we moved for me. I don't know if that make a lot of sense but it is just the way I have started to feel. I don't want to live in my current area the rest of my life but I am willing to scrifice for my FH.
Thanks everyone...
@beekiss I doubt there will be any compromise...we would have to move to probably philly and even that's too far for him...
@meowkers yeah...i wasn't particularly looking for a job in another city...the job that was in DC moved to NY and they asked me if I wanted to take it over...
@goodart what if hubs said he still didn't want to move after his mom passed? what would you do? What if he said his ties to the city would be too strong to leave by then...
I would be a hurt even though I understand his reasonings. Will he not even move away temporarily? Just getting your foot in the door at a dream job might be great even if it's just for a year or two.
@ troubled...no he won't...I asked him if we could live there for 2-3 years then we try to move back, but he sites the "him having no job" issue in addition to "his parents/family needs him here" as the reason he wouldn't want to move in the first place...
I guess I just don't know what they "need" from him...his parents are no where near sick, deathly or dying, he has absolutely no relationship with his brothers (i.e. his brother didn't even invite him to his triplets 1st birthday party) and he see's his extended family once in a blue moon...I guess I just don't see what couldn't be fixed in weekend visits...DC to NY is only 4 hours away...
How long have you discussed this with him? Would it be inappropriate to discuss this with your inlaws? how about a neutral third party like a therapist? It seems he's not able to compromise and that's really not good at all.
Considering it is only a 4 hour distance, I'm with you on this one. I would move anywhere with DH, because he IS my family and nothing is more important than being with him. He feels the same about me. Right now we live in the same city as both our families, which I really like, and we aren't looking to move but if one of us got a great job in a city only 4 hours away I don't think we would hesitate. The move doesn't have to last forever (you can easily move back if it doesn't work out, or when you're ready or when the parents DO need you) but a good career choice will have an impact for your entire working life. That's how I see things anyway, I'm not sure how you go about compromising with your DH when he seems so adamant...I wonder if there is another reason he doesn't want to move he's not saying (like is he feeling a bit threatened that it's YOU who got the great job offer, rather than him?) Good luck!
I'm with you on this one. This would really bug me. You are your husband's family now and he needs to be a little more flexible! I'm not sure what I would suggest, but definitely don't give up on your dream job yet. How long have you been discussing it? Is there any chance he'll warm up to the idea?
Yeah, I'm also with you on this one. I understand his concerns, but you aren't proposing a move to LA.
You mentioned that you could be a SAHM with this job. Does that mean that you could also work from home? Or just in a few years? Could you pitch it to him as a short-term move, and you will go back once you are established? Is there any chance you could work from home Mondays and Fridays, and take the train in and work in NY Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays for a year?
I am with you too! He seems to be acting very selfishly on this one! He won't even consider compromising - which to me is a problem!
I am REALLY close with my family and they are a two hour drive away. The physical distance does NOT need to cause a distance in the relationship he has with his family. Istill meet my mom (half way) in the middle of the week for dinner and a movie sometimes!
It's definitely doable, but he needs to open up to the idea.
I just wanted to add, I am a 14 hours drive, almost 2 hour plane ride from my family and we are extremely close. I agree with the pp who said physical distance does not need to cause distance in the relationship.
Honestly, we were in the exact same position last summer. My husband could not find a job where we were living and we had to move across the country to Alabama. I am not a Southern person, not a humidity person, just overall not a happy person. But I did it. You know why? Because it was a great opportunity for him and I knew that my career was more easily transferrable. And now I have a pretty good job offer myself. So things all work out. I know it's hard being away from family but sometimes it's a good thing to be on your own without having that safety net.
Ugh. I was upfront about things and told my fiance, then boyfriend, that I would never sacrifice my education and/or job for anyone. I relocated 3 hours away to attend grad school. During that time he proposed to me. I'm not going to lie though - at first he was sad and thought I was leaving because I didn't want to be with him. That was a load of bull and it took a few months for me to nail into his head that I was doing this because I was pursuing options that were best for me. I now have a HUGE job opportunity that would never have opened up if I had not gone away for school.
My thoughts are that no one will ever look out for me as much as I can look out for myself (selfish sounding, but true). My guy respects me for that. This is YOUR dream job. This is your opportunity.
Lots of people get mad about this because we women are apparently supposed to stand by our men and follow their career paths, not our own. I have had some women chastise me (never men!) because they don't understand how I could even leave my guy behind to pursue school and a job.
In my situation, the dynamics of my relationship allowed me to relocate without a huge amount of guilt. I don't know how your relationship would fair. Would your guy leave his family behind and relocate a few hours away if he was offered his dream job? If your answer is "probably" or "yes", then why shouldn't you do the same?
We've actually been talking about this for a couple of months...at first he liked the prospect of the job and was really supportive, but then as it got closer and the job became pretty much mine i.e. all I have to say is yes, he became more adamant towards not moving...I tried to work out a commuting MWF scenario but they want someone in NY...
and the SAHM scenario is because I would basically be working fulltime but only have to go into the office 3 hours a day M-F, but I would have to go in...i couldn't do a week-end
and his work is flexible...he works in IT but he's also a math teacher...both careers extremely transferable...
I agree with you. I know I have moved for my FI before, and he would do the same for me. This is a major oppertunity! Where does he work? Could he get a transfer? Are you certain there is no way he could compromis by moving in the middle and comuting by bus or train?
eta: sorry! we must have over-lapped on the transfer thing! Have you discussed him transfering?
Sorry, I think your husband is justified. I'm just going based off of your post so please don't take this too seriously as I don't know the details, but this is what I think based on the details provided...
His family may not "need" him, but maybe in a sense he needs his family, his friends, his life that he's already set up where you currently live. Is this where he grew up? He's already at his job so I would imagine there is a greater deal of stability for his job than your job (for now). What if you were to move and then lose your job? Are you SURE you could get him a job offer in IT? And aren't you expecting (I think that was you...not 100% sure sorry if I've got the wrong person)...is that a risk you want to take now? Conversely, how is his current company doing now? How is the job market in the new location?
I get that people move for their careers, but I guess ultimately it would depend on how for stable the new job is, and how much it is going to bring in relative to how much your husband brings in now. A family's whole lifestyle shouldn't have to change for one spouse's career, unless it was a previous arrangement. For example, military families who know that they will be moving, or couples who have already discussed this type of issue...
I know I'm probably in the minority on WB being that most of the career related comments come from very career focused people. I think I differ from the norm on WB on a lot of the family v careers posts, so my opinion may not agree with you for that reason... (For example I really don't think most of the country thinks that 26/27 is very young to be first time parents, but I read something like that the other day too...) Nothing wrong with that, everyone has their priorities, so ultimately it comes down to the pros and cons of moving and how your husband and you rank them in terms of priority. I would just try to go back and remember what you talked about pre-marriage, regarding career choices and settling down, etc. He does need to remember that there always has to be compromise, and if his job is easily relocatable, he needs to support you and your family, especially since the move is not THAT huge, but at the same time if you agreed to stay in one place, well, you can't really blame him. Good luck!!
Hm, just saw your post about him being able to relocate. I know teachers are having trouble finding jobs in my area, but math teachers are more in demand than other subjects...well, math & science anyway. The fact that he wouldn't really be giving up EVERYTHING (he could still retain his career) kind of changes things for me, because you are saying it could be a temporary move. So long as he could get a job easily, I side with you. But it's so hard to tell with relocating becuase you don't really know til you apply, and it sounds like he won't apply. :(
So, I'm moving to the NY/NJ area in July and my FI (also a teacher) is coming with me.
First off, as a math teacher, it won't be so bad for him to find a job. He can utilize Carney Sandoe (a headhunting service for schools). There is a hiring freeze in NYC for schools, but I think they are still hiring Math and Science teachers. Plus the tutoring services is a very lucrative market in NYC.
All of our family is here, but he realizes this is my chance at a career that I've been pursuing for the past 2 years.
I am very grateful that he is moving with me, and leaving behind his friends and family.
I am personally on your side, especially since NYC and DC are not that far apart.
I'm all for moving temporarily when it's a good thing to do for the family.
As far as him not wanting to leave his parents, all i can do is roll my eyes and say "puh-lease" because I live 4 hours away from my parents and lemme tell ya, you're a car ride away.You aren't talking about moving cross country. And you've been unemployed for SO long. And your husband is a math teacher. You can't tell me money isn't getting tight! Plus, being a SAHM, if that's waht you want to do, is awesome! You have to think about you two as a family first and if being able to be a SAHM is a priority, he needs to leave the nest a little. It's not that far!
Dh spent a few years away from his family. Yeah, we're back here near them in St Louis, but you do what you gotta do when a good opportunity comes around.
I think it's funny that us women move around to be with our husbands so much (well, statistically speaking) that if a good opportunity comes up for the woman, how often does the husband support her like this?!
Moving away from home for a little bit really helps cut some baby ties, grow up, and mature. It's been a VERY good thing in our relationship. I know many people can live near their families and not have this problem, but for us it's VERY healthy.
I'm with your husband. I live 4 hours away from my parents and I. Hate. It. I miss them every single day. Are we close? Sure. But one of my top priorities in the next year is getting closer to them. It's a personal issue, but if this is one of your husband's sticking points (as it would be with me) I think you should consider his feelings. In the end it is *just* a job... but to move 4 hours away from my family? I would never make that choice if I could avoid it.
I am also concerned about your husband's unwillingness to compromise. Especially when he was originally on board for the plan. This can hurt you in your career if you actively work towards a position, and then turn it down when the oppotunity presents itself. He needs to stand by his previous support of the move. You need to remind him that YOU are his family now. A couple needs to do what's best for them. I moved across the country for my husband (to flood soaked Nashville!) and it was the best decision for me to be able to support him. I'm a 2 1/2 hour flight from my family and I'm still extremely close to them. I talk to both my parents every day. I used to live in NY and I know how easy it is to get back and forth to DC.. it will be very easy for him to see his family often. I think this is a particularly important issue because you have a baby on the way (if I remember correctly). He needs to be focused on what is best for his wife and his baby.
For us, it would come down to the pay vs. cost of living issue- would your total family income be higher in DC or in NY with just you working? And then, would the increase in income (if there is one) outweigh the increased cost of living?
But FI and I both live far from our parents, so family isn't really an issue for us. I can see that for some people, the age when they get married is also about the age when they start worrying about their parent's long term health, when they start to think about how their parents can have good access to potential grandkids, etc. So if being away from them is a major concern for him, and he would have to give up his job and face the prospect of unemployment, then I can see why he would not want to move. As much as it sucks, the current situation, while not ideal, seems like it meets both of your needs in life at least partially (if not fully), where as the move would meet only your needs and none of his.
Good luck and I hope the two of you find a solution you are both happy with.
I am 110% with you - and frankly, I think it's a bit strange that he absolutely refuses to even take a temporary move. YOU are his family now, and taking the job in NY would benefit BOTH of you: it seems like he'll be able to get a job pretty easily, and you'll get a great job and presumably make more money while being able to be a SAHM. Frankly, I think it's time for him to be a grown-up and cut the cord. Being close to your family does not necessitate being physically close to them for your entire life! Neither FI nor I live in the same area (or same country!) as our families; we moved in order to pursue our own dreams and careers, but talk with our families at least once a day and remain close. Hold your ground on this.
when my FI and I first started dating he stated he would eventually like to leave MA and head down south....I said I would NEVER EVER leave my family and friends to live in a random place.
Fast forward to a month ago: I told him that if he truely wanted to go live down south and he could get a job in his field (which pays extremely well down south and I could hold off on finding a job for myself) I would be more than happy to give it a try and live down there. Family and friends would be a drive or plane ticket away and want a great excuse for a mini-vaca! I relaized I can't be selfish and hold him back from what would make him happy and that it would be good to try "new things".
Good Luck - hopefully he will come around and realize this would be your dream job!
I understand your husband's reasoning but I think he should try to be more open-minded and think about what you want. Not just put his feet down and say no.
I'm with you on this one, dream jobs doesn't come around often!! Plus it sounds like right now is not a bad time to move away (his parents don't really need him around), it would be a different story if they're older and sick or something. Family is important to me too but doesn't mean you have to live in the same city.
Last but not least, good job on landing your dream job! You should be very proud regardless!
Thanks everyone...I think we are still talking it out...although I doubt it will result in us moving, i'm still hopeful. So thank you to everyone who gave their perspective, on not moving and those who would, I really appreciate it.
@beekiss I suggested we talk to a third party regarding the issue and he's open to it so I think that's what we are going to do...We actually went to couples counseling before we got married and it work wonders for us...and i'm almost positive there would have been a different result/reaction had we continued going...
I would LOVE to talk to his parents about it...but I don't know exactly how to go about it...because I doubt they would want him to stay if they realized we were staying for them...
I just wanted to add that due to my career we had to have Mr. DG move away from his family (something he'd never done before). We decided that if he was willing to do this move for my career, the next move would be his. We are happy with the compromise, and he's only had to spend 2 years in Seattle, which is 14 hours drive from his family.
We'll be much closer after this next move, and we've done what is best for our new little family. We have a little one on the way, so that HAS to be our top priority... which means not living by his parents right now.
It's a tough decision to make, but you two have to reframe it as what is better for you two as a couple and your future family... Not just what is comfortable.
While I can understand why your husband doesn't want to move away it doesn't justify requiring you to pass up your dream job, in my opinion. I understand how important family is but I think he's being too inflexible. Besides, 4 hours? Piece of cake!
While this hasn't actually come up for us yet it's a possibility. We just bought an amazing first home but J also has applications out for college rodeo coach positions. If he gets one we will move. Do I want to live in Arkansas? Not really. But this job would be worth it.
Good luck working things out.
It's possible that my view on this is skewed because we're living a 24 hour drive from my family and a 12 hour drive from FI's family--but I think your husband is being unreasonable. FI and I would like to be closer to our families, and we hope that someday we'll be a more reasonable distance from them, but we're each other's family and we couldn't turn down the opportunities that have taken us on cross-country moves twice. We each moved away independently the first time, and that's how we met, and then this last time, I moved for him and ended up finding the opportunity of a lifetime in our new city. So it couldn't have worked out better for us. And, our families are ecstatic for us. I find it hard to believe that a family, who loves you would want you to miss great opportunities for career advancement and personal growth simply because you'd be 4 hours away from them when you're doing it. I would LOVE to only be 4 hours away from my family. As it is, I talk to my parents several times a day, and keep in close contact with my extended family. I grew up with my entire extended family down the street, and I'd love that for my kids, but not enough to compromise what's best for me and my soon to be husband. I couldn't do what I do living in the city where my parents live. And my parents wouldn't have wanted me to compromise either. I think you need to keep talking to your husband, and maybe bring your in-laws into the discussion. Let them know what's going on, and see what they say. They may surprise you! Good luck!
I've had a similar experience as MrsJKH2be. As the Mr. & I both graduated college (back when we were dating), I told him I'd never never ever ever want to move away from my family (currently 2 hours away). As time went on, work in his field became increasingly harder to find and the cost of living in our town was becoming prohibitive (to, you know, have money to buy a home or consider having children).
When I found out that he had been passing up applying for good jobs because he didn't want me to have to move, I was so ashamed of myself. I was stopping him from even trying for positions he would enjoy and he was stuck working his ass off so we could scrap by. And he never complained, not even for a second.
Personally, I think your husband's firm "I will not move" stance is selfish. I can say this because I was acting the same way and it is totally unfair to hijack a relationship/your partner's career choice without even considering a compromise. I'm not saying that you should move in the end (it depends on so many factors: how will staying/going impact your family's future/housing/finances/etc.), but he shouldn't just shut you down.
P.S. After I stopped being so uncompromising, my husband got offered a position that he really wanted that's about a 12-hr drive or 3-hour plane trip away from my family. We're going and I am so proud and happy for his accomplishment. He's bending over backward to make sure I'll be happy in our new town and I'm actively working on a plan to allow me to visit family frequently and stay in contact through things like Skype.
I'm sorry you have to miss out on your dream job (for now at least) :-(. I can totally understand you really wanting this job and being disappointed and frustrated about your husband not wanting to move (did you ever talk about the possibility of moving when dating/engaged?).
But maybe look at it this way: this is an opportunity for you to show your husband just how much he (and the things that are important to him -- like family) mean to you. Yes, it takes sacrifice on your part (sacrificing your dream job -- not a small thing!), but a good marriage is full of sacrifices and compromises for the good of your spouse, and it would show him that your marriage is truly the most important thing in your life. I think that could mean a lot to him and make your relationship stronger. And other jobs will come along. Just don't let yourself get bitter over this if he doesn't change his mind.
it doesn't sound like a permanent move to me - i am with you on this one. Unless there is a dying relative whose only wish in life is to have you and your husband living within 15 minutes of them in DC, I think that a 3 hour train ride / 4 hr drive is more than sufficient and actually very close in my opinion. I understand how important family is, but it's not far. I have trouble taking adults seriously that can't imagine moving or going anywhere away from their parents' home, to be honest. Especially since his job is easily transferrable. AND your company is looking for somewhere to place him! that is amazing. It sounds more like an "but i don't WANNA MOVE AWAY!" thing to me, which is... childish to me.. Sorry :-( Leaving the dream job behind needs a better reason than that for me..
I think if an opportunity like this came along for me, my husband would move for me. We have never lived more than 15 mins from our parents, and have been living with his dad the last 4 years. But, whatever is best for our family (meaning the two of us) if what we would have to do. We just bought a house here, so it wouldn't be feasible now, but before that if we seriously considered moving somewhere else since he's a mechanic and can get a job anywhere. We decided to stay in the area cuz we didn't want to be far from our families, but the point is that if a great opportunity came up and we didn't have the house, I know he would move for me.
I think that for a temp situation, he should at least try. I know you probably don't want to do this, but maybe you could go by yourself and then he sees how serious you are about it and that its not something that's going to fall apart, then he will follow?
I think that family is the most important thing in life. But your husband needs to remember that _you're_ his family, and your future kids are his family, and you and they should be his first priority, even over parents. Obviously there are good reasons to stay close to parents, but if this is really a dream job for you, and would make things better for your family, then I think he's being selfish by not even seriously considering it. If this makes your financial situation better, fast tracks your career, and lets you be a stay at home mom, thoser are all huge positives for you guys that in my mind outweigh the 4 hour train ride.
I think there's another thing that hasn't been touched on here, aside from whether or not he can bear to move. Will you be able to deal with him shutting this down unilateraly? I think that unless you talk this through and come to a decision together, this could turn into something you resent him for. Giving up your dream job, having less stable finances, maybe not being able to stay home with your kids - these things all have long lasting impact on your life, and you're not just going to be able to forget about those effects. It's one thing to be able to say "we made our choice together and did what we thought was best at the time", and it's another to have to think "I'm living with all of these consequences because of him and what he wanted and what he decided". That's something to think about, and bring up to him too. This isn't just about the job, its about deciding your future as a team, balancing what both of you want. Good luck!
I think your husband is being extremely selfish. Would you not resent him for the rest of your life, having missed out on your dream job? Glad he can be happy for you passing on your dream job.
I'm pretty surprised at MaybeeBecca's response. Showing your husband how much you love and care for him by passing on what is extremely important to you? You're not only sacraficing your dream job, but also on part of yourself. Sounds like a Bible-banger response.
I know jobs don't make people, that family is extremely important, etc. But I live 6.5 hours away from my parents and I'm very close with them. Tell him you need to be first, not his parents.
I'm with you on this one. I could understand his reluctance if you were moving to the west coast, but DC to NYC is like nothing. You could take Amtrak in a few hours or drive in a few. You could even take Bolt Bus r/t for like $40.
I was immediately going to suggest that you both move to Philly, but then I read your post that even THAT is too far away from him. To me, that sounds like the perfect compromise, though. It's a shame that he won't even consider that.
I'm with you on this one. I'm sorry you're going through this. IMO, your husband is being exptremely selfish. YOU are his family now, and if this job is what's best for the two of you (which it sounds like it is), then he at least needs to be willing to openly discuss the possibility of moving. My husband and I are extremely close to our families and live 30 minutes away from them. I've never lived further away than that, but if my husband got his dream job in a different city, I'd move with him in an instant. Why? Because he's my husband and I would not let him bypass his dreams because I simply didn't want to be 4 hours away from my family. And he would do the same for me- in heart beat.
The problem with him being so unwilling to compromise is that you'll end up resenting him for it, and that's going to wreak havoc on your relationship. Besides, 4 hours is nothing. I know it seems like a lot compared to how close you are now, but having as good a transit system as that area has, you'd be able to see your family all the time.
I hope you two are able to work things out and come to a decision as a couple. Good luck!
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