Post # 1
I’m hoping you can help me with a dilemma. I’ve been a reader of Weddingbee for a while and have finally decided to make an account and join the hive. I wish my first post was under better circumstances, but here goes…
I’m engaged to a wonderful guy who I’m hoping to marry sometime next summer, things are going really great for us and we’re just about to start planning our wedding. There’s just one problem: my dad.
I should probably give y’all a little backstory before I ask this, because it’s kind of a complicated problem. I’m the product of an affair that my married dad had with my mom (she didn’t know he was married) 24 years ago. My dad has always been involved in my life but only at the level that’s good for him. The most time I’ve spent with his wife (they are still married) and my older half brothers is a couple of summers but they made it very clear that I’m not, and never will be, a part of the family.
I was never allowed to see my father on Christmas day, meet any of his extended family, or go to any of the parties and celebrations his family had. He has never treated me like his other children, even when he had the opprtunity to do so without upsetting anybody. I didn’t realise how badly he treated me until my mom married my stepfather, Hughie. Hughie has always been there for me and is basically the father my bio dad never was to me. He is one of the most important men in my life and I love him dearly. He really means a lot to me.
Now that I’m getting married, my biological father fully expects to walk me up the aisle and fulfil all of the ‘father of the bride’ duties. We really need money for the wedding and my father is very well off, but when I asked him if he would help us pay he said ‘are you kidding me? My wife would have a fit!’. So I’m assuming that his wife and kids won’t be coming.
So here’s the problem: I would really like to ask Hughie if he’d walk me up the aisle and perform all of the ‘father of the bride’ stuff, like the father-daughter dances, etc. but I’m worried my dad will be really upset. Should I ask Hughie or suck it up and let my bio dad do it? I thought about asking them both, but my biological father would never agree to that.
Have any bees ever experienced anything similar? What did/would you do?
Post # 3
I voted Hughie as you seem to feel he has always been more of your ‘dad’ than your biological father has.
Post # 4
Hughie, no question. No offense but your biodad sounds like a narcissistic asshat.
Post # 5
@Ruby-Redshoes: Your Dad hasn’t been there for you and more than that he’s shunned you and treated you like an outcast. If Hughie is who you want to walk you down the aisle, then you ask him. It’s your wedding and honestly it doesn’t sound like you’re missing much if your Dad stops having a relationship with you because of this.
I hope it all works out!
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
It doesn’t sound like your bio father has been a father at all to you, and yet he wants to walk you down the aisle.. the very definition of having your cake and eating it too! If I were you I would definitely ask your stepfather to walk you down. It will be a difficult conversation with your bio dad, but put your foot down on this one when you’ve made a decision.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Your bio dad has been a sperm donor that occasionally sees you but then makes you feel bad about it because he and his other “real” family make it clear that you are less than they are. That is wrong on so many levels and it is absolutely wrong of him to allow them to treat you that way. You are either family or you’re not. I honestly would reconsider having him in my life if that was the kind of relationship I was going to have with him. In my opinion, he has not earned the right to do father-daughter duties.
I would ask Hughie and when your bio dad asks, tell him honestly what you just told us. Your bio dad will be hurt and angry and probably not want to attend your wedding. But in all honesty, why would you want a second rate father when you have a real dad in Hughie?
Post # 8
Hughie 100%. I’m surprised you even call that other guy ‘dad’, he doesn’t sound like much of one. Great that he’s been a part of your life (though I’m guessing its not off his own back he has done so) but your stepdad sounds like he’s been the real father figure in your life. Ultimately who do YOU want to be standing next to you? Regardless of the feelings of others. It’s your wedding!!
Post # 9
What I would do? I would tell your bio-dad that Hughie has fulfilled more of the role of father than he(bio dad) ever will and he will be walking you down the aisle.
Post # 10
Who your “dad” is doesn’t always come down to biology. Who has been there for you as a father? Obviously Hughie has. It sounds like he is more of a father than your bio dad is, and he should get the honor of walking you down the aisle in my opinion.
Post # 11
Definitely Hughie. He has been there for you when your bio dad hasn’t! You said that your bio dad likes to be there for you when it suits him, and that’s not good enough. Walking you down the aisle is a privilege, not a right. Hughie has earned that privilege, not your bio dad.
Post # 12
I don’t see why you would even have a question about this. Your biological Dad has treated you like crap, made it obvious tht you are not a “true” family member, and refuses to contribute anything to the wedding. IMO, your Dad has lost the priviledge of playing Father of the Bride on your big day! Ask Hughie!
If your biological Dad gets upset, smile sweetly and say “But what about all the wedding pictures that I am going to share on Facebook? I bet your wife wouldn’t be happy about that!”
Post # 13
I think the vote speaks for itself.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House
@geekspice: I second that. If he were going to help somehow financially, I might see the conflict, but as it stands, I’m not even sure I would invite him.
But I tend to be a little on the vindictive side.
Hughie sounds wonderful, and I’m sure he would be honored to walk with you down the aisle, and that honor is much better than a hollow expectation, IMHO.
Post # 15
dosn’t look like there is much of a debate here. Have your father walk you down the aile and not a sperm donor
Post # 16
I’m so sorry that you are even having to ask a question like this…it must be really hard. But the answer is definitely Hughie. You said yourself that he’s basically the father that you never really had. He’s the one who has supported you and protected you and been there for you. The giving away of the bride by a father figure is symbolic of transferring the “protector/provider/supporter” role from the father to the new husband. It doesn’t sound like your biological father has been any of these things to you, really. Hughie is your dad…that other guy is just your father. There’s a difference, and in my opinion, your daddy is the one who should give you away…that’s Hughie for you.