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I'm so sorrrrrrry you're going through this. How awful. It clearly sounds like you guys were having troubles and for some reason he was not comfortable communicating his feelings to you, so instead found this other woman to confide in. Super brutal.
If I were you I would ask him to leave. If you want to work on the relationship, that's up to you. I you do pursue the relationship Iwould definitely recommend counselling so you can both work on your communication problems.
I am the type of person who has zero tolerance with cheating and, to me, this is emotional infidentility. I wouldn't stand for it.
Eeekkkk - this is hard. I'd have trouble trusting him again as well. If you want to work this out, I'd suggest the two of you attend pre-marital counseling.
Make it clear that texts like that from another woman will NOT be tolerated. And I'd also tell him at least for the time being that he has NO expectation of privacy. If you want to see his phone whenever he has to hand it over.
What does your GUT say? I'm a big believer in listening to your gut.
He has been confiding in her about our relationship troubles. I asked him how we can fix our troubles if he is clearly only talking to her about them.
Heck I would be livid for DH going to someone else about our problems. They should remain between the couple...no one needs to know about our dirty laundry. So I don't think you are overreatcing. And yes trust has been completely broken here.
But seriously, what friends say to each other "I want to have your babies"? Are YOU sure this was actually the friend? Did you check other messages?
I'm sorry, but "I luv you sweetness" and "I want to have your babies" are not things a girl says to someone who a guy just talks about his feelings with.
I think your FI is lying to you. If you are having a hard time trusting him, your gut is probably right. If my SO and I were having problems he certainly wouldn't be confiding in a female friend I didn't know, and if he was it would be someone who would respect me enough not to send text messages like that. You can guarentee those texts weren't the first, nor the last he's gotten from her.
If he doesn't stop ALL communication with her instantly, I would ask him to leave. Your relationship with him should be worth more than his 'friendship' with an old high school friend who lives hundreds of miles away.
Wow, I'm so sorry. Honestly, i don't think that I'd be ablet o go on in the relationship because physical contact is one thing, but emotional is a whole other level. Really think about this.
This is a tough situation. I do not think you are overreacting though! He is basically having an emotional affair with another woman - cheating does not have to be purely physical.
I would ask him to move out or at least stay somewhere else for a few days. You need time to think about what you want - whether you think this is worth working through with your FI or not. Once you know the answer, you can go from there. Yes - it is going to take time to build that trust again but you are the only one who knows if you think you can make it work. You will also at some point (maybe not right away, so you both can have some time to clear your heads) talk to your FI about the communication issues and see if he wants the same things that you do. If you decide to work it out, make sure you are both aware of the guidelines of your relationship and that if either of you has problems, you talk to each other NOT a friend or girl or whatever.
Ultimately, you are the one who knows what you can and can't live with. I wish you the best and hope you realize what you need to do to make yourself happy again - whether that is with him or without him.
Hugs :)
Those messages don't sound to me like he's merely confiding his relationship difficulties with this woman. Regardless, the only woman he should be talking about his relationship with is YOU. He's very defensive (as well as hostile), which suggests to me it is not innocent at all, whether or not anything physical has happened at this point.
I know what I would do, but I don't know enough about you or him to make the call. I think definitely he needs to move out ... you need to be alone to process this and decide what you want to do. Also, that might put the fear of God in him, if he really wants to make it work with you. If after some separate reflection, you both genuinely want to work this out, then you'll probably need to do some heavy duty counselling.
You've been blindsided right now, so take some time. Trust your instincts.
(((hugs))) & praying for you.
How can your relationship continue to grow if he is confiding in someone else and not you? It sounds like you are being the mature one and he is running away to cry to someone else.
If he was confiding in someone else about the relationship, "I want to have your babies" is NOT constructive at all in any way to helping his relationship! It is the exact opposite, trying to get him to want to be with her instead of you! And if my FI allowed another woman to talk to him in that way I would leave immediately. That is absolutely disrespectful to you. This does not sound like just an old friend that he confides with, she is flirting with him in an very open & not subtle way. & He knows that!! or else he wouldn't be so defensive!!
Sorry, I've been through this type of situation before & as hard as it is for you to see it now, you would be much better off without this guy who doesn't have enough respect for you to stop flirting with other women when he's ENGAGED to you!!
You are definitely NOT overreacting! Her responses clearly do not resemble a conversation about relationship troubles...
So sorry to hear this :( But you are right to ask him for his key & to pack and leave. & you can always come to the hive for support. Good luck!
"Even though there has been no physical contact, I feel like I have been cheated on."
I think that sentence tells you all you really need to know about the situation. And for the record, so would I.
Agree with the previous posters that he ought to move out for a bit. You deserve to have time and space alone to consider your options.
Please don't take any of this lightly! If he's anything like an ex I had who was cheating throughout our relationship, he will say anything he can to downplay what you found. Heck, I found conversations on the computer my ex was having with girls about how we were broken up and i was a bit*h and talking about meeting up and because I thought I loved him so much, I believed him when he told me that his friend hacked his account. There were so many other things and I always went back until it got to the point when I caught him in the act.. you don't want to be put through something like that, believe me. Like the above people say, trust your gut. If I had,, I would have been out of that relationship after 2 months rather than riding it out and wasting 9. And this was just a bf. Yours is supposed to be your husband in a couple months. I would break it off and move somewhere else and change my number, but that's just me. Protect your heart from future heartbreaks with this guy!
Your FI is interested in someone who actually says "i want to have your babies" and you don't know what to do?
Kick him to the curb and never look back.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through! One thing caught my eye: "I figured this was it. This was my biggest fear and it was happening." Was his cheating something that you have been dreading all along? Has he given you reason in the past to have even whispers of doubt about his fidelity to you?
You are totally NOT overreacting. I'm so sorry you are going thru this.
There is something to be said for a woman's intuition. There was a woman who had a big crush on my husband (when we were engaged). She would text him at all hours of the night, really inappropriate stuff. He didn't understand that she was flirting, he didn't know what he was doing.. but when I put two and two together - he was totally destroyed to see how upset I was.
It was never physical, just about 20 texts back and forth over the course of a week - but it was enough for me to feel betrayed. It took me a while to get over it.
My point is. If you do determine that this wasn't physical, just a bunch of inappropriate texts - you have to decide if you can move on from it, or if it will torture you forever! We were able to - but not everyone can.
Best of luck to you!
I don't have much to add, as I have to agree with pretty well everyone here, especially echoing the fact that he was acting hostile. He's the one that is out of line, if anyone should be shouting it's certainly not him.
Handle it as civilly and quickly as you can. You don't want to draw things out. You have to decide whether you think you can ever trust him again, and whether he will make himself trustworthy. If the behaviour continues, then, well, I think you have your answer.
this would be my reaction exactly. Emotional cheating is just as big a deal as physical, that and the breaking of trust would make for an ugly ending in my book.
I am so so sorry as this is my worst relationship nightmare also. As PP said, I would also be livid, not just at him, but at the girl who thinks it's ok to text such crap to an engaged man.
I'm so sorry, but you need to leave him, and not talk to him for a while so that he realizes what he just did and that he is about to lose you unless he fixes that (if that is even possible).
I, as well, would have a very hard time trusting him EVER again. A couple talks about their problems. FI and I will talk into the wee hours of the morning if we have to, because we both don't want to go to bed thinking our relationship is ruined.
Please don't settle for less then you deserve which is the TRUTH and a FI who loves you enough to come to YOU not some ex.
And to answer your question? YOU ARE IN NO WAY OVER REACTING HON !
I'm sorry. I don't think you are overreating at all. I don't think I would be able to ever truly forgive this. I think I would always feel spiteful and resentful... and I think a lot of people would be like this too... so don't feel bad or like you are overreacting if you can't move beyond it. Life is too short, and you don't deserve to be disrespected like this.
I have to agree with everyone else. I would be super upset. This is clearly emotional cheating, and it's every bit as bad as physical cheating, IMO.
I dont think you're overreacting. I think you should go with your first instinct, either get out, or tell him to.
I feel like he is lying and making excuses. I really hope you think this through. I wish you sooo much luck!
An old high school friend he talks to might have his email, but his personal cell number? Texting all the time? Seriously? There is more there than what he is telling you.
First thing I would do is send him packing. Especially if the house is yours. He doesn't deserve to live there at the moment. If he wants to work on whatever is left of the relationship after that, then fine, he can learn how to date again. After he has earned your trust again, if ever, then you can talk about the future again. But I can tell you right now, my fiance would never be getting my trust back.
I've heard stories of guys cheating from my fiances guy friends. They all say the same line. "... and then she took him back, so you know what that means... it's a free pass from now on!". Because after you've let him do it once, where do you draw the line afterwards? Just what style of door mat do you want to be?
I don't know every little detail, but I can tell you that if he is looking elsewhere for anything, he doesn't respect, appreciate or deserve you.
Again, ditto to what everyone else is saying. Always trust your first mind. This sort of childish behavior on his behalf should not be tolerated. Who texts "I want to have your babies?" Utterly ridiculous. I think you are moving forward with the right intent - take some time alone to re-evaluate everything on your own because only you know what you two have already been through (that we here do not).
Again,take your time, calm yourself, love YOURSELF and remember that no man is worth salvaging your well being. Once you've had time to think, then move forward with what you believe is best for your future. {{hugs}}
Cheating is cheating and whether or not it was physical doesn't change that.
He needs to move out and if he truly wants to work on things, then he needs to break it off with this girl and start over from the beginning dating you.
I want to thank everyone for their support and comments. He has moved out and we are reevaluating. Keep us in your prayers. Thank you.
I hope everything works out how you want it too. Sorry you are going through this and that he did this to you. But you don't deserve somebody doing this either. Good luck! :)
I'm so sorry girl. I wish you the best. Don't let him downplay it and act like it was nothing. Words are very powerful. Not "having sex" doesn't mean he didn't hurt you. I pray this all works out and that the best happens for you.
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My FI and I have always had a great relationship. We had been together for 2.5 years when he proposed back in late November. Things were going very well until recently, for about the last two months, when his work got very stressful and I had to travel a great deal for my job. We got through that time but rarely saw each other, but then being back around I noticed he was distant and didn't seem to care about me as much as he used to.
So me and crazy bride brain started to over analyze our relationship - or I thought I did. I tried to talk to him a few times and he would always just say "I'm sorry you feel that way." We finally got in this big crazy fight on July 4th/5th, and didn't speak for about 24 hours (we live together, I slept ion the guest room). On the 6th we finally talked and he shared a lot of his feelings that I had no idea he had - I am too critical of his friends, I get mad at him when he works long hours, he feels like I 'drag' him places he does not want to go - were the three main issues. We decided that these were things we could work on and that we could make it through, but I honestly felt blindsided by these feelings he had.
We fought again on Saturday over something stupid. We agreed to take personal responsibility for making things better, and try to move back in to a better place. On Sunday we hosted friends for a party, and the day went well. We got along and everyone had fun. Toward the end of the day he had too much to drink and was being a little obnoxious, and I noticed he was texting a great deal when most of our friends were around.
When I tried to pick his phone up off the table to look at it (nothing new) as we both do this to each other without issue all the time, he grabbed the phone back and would not let me see it. I knew that was strange. Later in the night I asked to check the weather on his phone. He handed me the phone and while I was checking the weather, two texts came in. One said "I luv you sweetness" and the other said "I want to have your babies." My heart fell to the floor and my stomach did cartwheels. We still had some friends around, so I tried to stay calm.
I figured this was it. This was my biggest fear and it was happening. I made arrangements to go to a friends house and started packing my things. In the midst of all this, my Mom called. I told her I just found out that he is cheating and I needed to go as I was leaving. Its my house so she told me not to leave, that he needed to leave. I walked into the kitchen and calmly asked for his key and garage door opener. He yelled at me and said "is this the way you are going to deal with this? I have not cheated on you."
To spare you details of the next several hours here is where it stands - it is an old high school friend who lives hundreds of miles away. He has been confiding in her about our relationship troubles. I asked him how we can fix our troubles if he is clearly only talking to her about them. Even though there has been no physical contact, I feel like I have been cheated on. And I feel like I can't even guarantee that - I want to trust him but I am having a hard time. I have no idea what to do.