What Should I do ? fiance trouble!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sounds like you guys need a plan so you both know what you’re saving for, and he still has some to spend on his hobby stuff (this is important too).

Post # 4
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m going to recommend that you talk to him about saving money, but do not say this:

He’s also buying all this “hobby” stuff that I find stupid.

Just because it is stupid to you, doesn’t mean it is stupid to him. I think you’d be very offended if he called your hobbies stupid.

Anyway, you DO need to address his hobbies though becuase if he isn’t helping to contribute to the wedding much (especially money), then he needs to sort out his priorities.

Next thing I want to say is men are generally not interested in weddings. Why not let HIM choose what he wants to do? Perhaps he doesn’t want to make a music list. My DH loved to do that becuase he is a music teacher, but I know plenty of men that wouldn’t have cared. Your guy isn’t your girlfriend. He doesn’t want to go look at DIY stuff and dresses. That is what your bridesmaids are for or your mom.

DH ended up not being as serious about meeting deadlines as I was, so I found the Knot checklist on the Knot’s website and gave it to him. He got very overwhelmed when seeing all the things I ahd left to do for the wedding.

Now, your wedding is in May which means you have 10 months, so I think you are jumping the gun on a LOT of stuff, which I believe is why he isn’t taking it seriously. He doesn’t have to have his guys picked out yet or music done for the day of. I’d cut him some slack a little, but as far as flowers, DJ, photog, venue all of that you should have going. He is going to probably be disinterested, but he should at least tag along and give input if he has any.

Post # 5
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If I were you I’d plan a small very inexpensive wedding and set a date and get a venue. Men have different ideas of priorities. If you don’t even have a date set… what does he have to do… its not “real” until you got the venue down. Look at finding some affordable places to have the wedding (look at city owned facilities as they are generally inexpensive) and then have him come look at places with you. work up a wedding budget with him. What does he have to do? Chances are he doens’t know anything about it and is leaving it up to you because you know more… you need to get him involved in the big decisions.

Post # 8
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@birdy88:  

I think that getting the down payment together for the venue should definitely be prioritized. No need to bug him about groomsmen or music right now. Though it was definitely smart to ask him to work on an aspect of planning that he’s most likely to be interested in. He’ll be motivated once you are closer to the date. (We took care of the playlist 1-2 months before the wedding and we’re pretty obsessed with music!) 

Go over your budget together and see if you can come to an agreement about a wedding savings plan – this might be a good time to start a joint savings account and you can set it up so after each paycheck a set amount is deposited from each of your payc every month. You could also use this for saving for a home. Ask him if he’s ok with you going alone to the venue you think and putting down the deposit with money you’ve saved together. 

You’re not alone in these frustrations, for many a wedding is the first time you really have to save as a couple and make big purchases together. The worst part is do don’t get to enjoy your “purchases” until the wedding day!

His lack of contributions to the housework are another issue, but require the same level of clear communication as the money talks do. Make sure it’s a separate conversation though, lumping issues together is a recipe for disaster.

Post # 9
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@birdy88:  Well if he is spending his whole paycheck on his hobby (with the exception of rent and groceries) then it may be time to have a conversation on whether or not he actually WANTS a wedding or even a marriage. This could present a rpoblem if and when you guys want kids. You shouldn’t just be contributing your paycheck towards the wedding with no help from him. That is unfair. If he doesn’t see the seriousness in this then I can’t believe he would be serious about marriage as a whole.

Post # 10
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Getting my fiance to save for a “wedding” just didn’t excite him. And he dragged his feet. Finally I said you pay for the whole honeymoon and save for that (which was about 4k) THAT had him very excited. I did pay for the whole wedding tho after family contributions.

Post # 11
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My FI has pretty much little to no interest in planning our wedding. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry me. He very much does. He just doesn’t care about tablecloth colors or whether the tables are on the right or left side of the hall. He doesn’t care too much about the centerpieces and has no preference on the wedding favors.

What he DOES care about is adding his own little touches to stuff. He wanted us to get the Super Mario question mark boxes to put our wedding favors in to give to people (we’re having a bit of a nerd wedding). He wanted Legend of Zelda music for at least one song (I chose Lindsey Stirling so it’s not quite so..8 Bit). He is a programmer so he wanted programming language. I surprised him with napkins that have programming on them. He cares about his tux and he cares about our honeymoon. He also cares a lot about the beer and alcohol we’ll be serving.

Plates? First dance? Mother son music? Style of the champagne flutes? Couldn’t care less.

My point behind telling you all of this is that some guys just don’t care about girlie things that we find it so imperative to stress over. FI froze up when I asked him to help me pick out Christmas ornaments for our tree FFS because they were all “shiny colorful balls that didn’t differ in pattern or design except for a tiny squiggle here and there. And they are all perfectly adequate.”

At the beginning of the planning process, I asked FI what he’d like to add to the ceremony or reception that would have a touch of “him” for the “us” part of it all and he gave me ideas, which we have successfully incorporated so far. Maybe you could do that with your FI and then maybe he’d be more engaged. But don’t expect his help over the style of plates and the color of your tablecloth.

As far as money, I am very lucky in that FMIL and FFIL set aside $$ to give their children (FI’s sister got the same amount) for their weddings, so we don’t have to worry about that (I do, however, have to stay within that budget because that’s all we’ve got). But I’d set some deadlines, guidelines, and reasonable requests. We were generously gifted our honeymoon (FI’s family is soo generous), but that didn’t include plane fare, money for gifts, money for excursions, etc. So I asked him if we could save a specific amount from each of our checks to make a specified amount of money by the time we left for our honeymoon, and he agreed.

 

If your FI wants to continue his hobby, great! But ask him “Hey, can you set aside X/month so we can have Y by the time our wedding rolls around? I’ve been looking in our area and catering costs Z per person and venues average about THIS.” Once he hears actual figures in his head (FI was shocked that food actually averages $60-100/person here – “It’s just food!”) and starts to do the math, he should *hopefully* have a bit of a wakeup as far as finances.

 

If he’s really serious about the wedding and marrying you, he will get it together. He may just have to realize all of the details and costs add up VERY quickly.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Does this guy actually want to get married? Only while some men aren’t terrifically interested in every last detail, most of them manage to show some enthusiasm for some part of the wedding! There’s nothing at all wrong with having hobbies. But if his hobby takes precedence over everything else then it leaves me wondering just where you and your wedding comes on his list of priorities.

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