Post # 1
I’m so torn I need advice. I’m supposed to be getting married in about 6 weeks. I’m not so sure if I should ho through with it. So background, I’ve been married before really young but caught him in bed with another woman so obviously divorced. I have a 9 year old. I met my FI and hes been pretty wonderful treating my son almost like his own. My son has never been happier. I felt extremely lucky…….but……he has a drinking problem. When we first started dating he got really drunk and started punching walls slamming doors and screaming my ex husbands name. ….we went to couple therapy and he agreed he had s problem and promised to limit his drinking to 6 drinks so he doesn’t get wasted. Well lately I’ve noticed the drinking picking up. So now last night……I come home from meeting his mother to look for flowers. Bought him dinner and he was watching the final 4 basketball tournament. He was drinking. Couple hours, still drinking. I tried to talk to him about our agreement and he says, you have to let me be me. I was like are you going back on our agreement in the session and he said yes 6-7 drinks isn’t logical, really! ? In whos world! !!!! Well I put myson to sleep and ho into the bbedroom and close the door to relax for bed and he storms in and says WHY DID U LOCK ME OUT. I said what are u talking about, u just opened the door. He screams again YOU LOCKED ME OUT…then slams the door and leaves to go to the local bar. He didn’t say goodbye he doesn’t come home till 4am . When he got in he left every single light on and passed out in bed but the worst part is he left the front door and the upstairs door unlocked and opened. When he woke up he didn’t remember anything. He didn’t remember storming out or anything. When we spoke about it he says its my fault hes not happy and I cause him to drink. He says I don’t shave my legs right and he feels stubble at the end. He says I don’t clean enough….which I do…I asked for an example and he said I didn’t fill up the water bottles in the fridge!!!!!!! I’m unhappy. I don’t think I can deal with this forever. The only thing stopping me is how my son is so attached. I’m afraid the damage it will cause if I leave. Please help. What should I do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Run. Your son does not need that in a role model at all, no matter how much he “likes” him.
Post # 4
@GizmoQT1: Definitely don’t get married. Your son might be happy now but who knows how he’ll feel in a few years when this doesn’t get better, and might even get worse.
Post # 5
Leave. your son will be more damaged if you stay and marry this man. You deserve so much better.
Post # 6
So the only thing I heard in that story that makes you want to stay is that he treats your son well…but all the examples you gave were of him treating you poorly. And aggie2010 is right – your son does not need this as a role model.
Post # 7
Leave, do not get married. I agree with other people that even though your son might be happy now, he doesn’t deserve to be brought up in the environment where drinking is a problem.
Post # 8
Out of everyone I’ve been with he has treated me the best. But this drinking thing I think is a dealbreaker. How do I leave? Do I leave when he is not home?
Post # 9
Wow. I’m very sorry you’re experiencing this. I won’t tell you what to do, reading your post I think you know the answer to your question but don’t want to let yourself acknowledge it.
You worry about how your son will react. Legitimate worry. But, what example is he learning by seeing you FI set an example of heavy drinking? (Because by anyone’s definition 6-7 drinks is heavy drinking).
He has had a problem with anger control when drinking even more and now the drinking is amped up, do you worry the anger problems will come back? Whatkind of example to your son is that?
He makes his happyness your responsibility.
If the worst he can come up with is stubbley legs, and unfilled water bottles he’s reaching. Do you think you can live with such unreasonable (and likely escalating) criticism. What happens if that spills over onto your son?
I know what I think you should do. But I hope you can make your decision feel some relief.
Post # 10
Yeah, no. You can’t fix this kind of behavior. Speaking as the wife of a former binge drinker, the only person who can change the situation is him.
My husband had a really rough period in his mid twenties. When we met, he was open about everything, but I told him that his former behavior is just not something I could ever tolerate. He’s free to make his own decisions, but he knows what the consequences are. He’s completely abandoned the people, places and things that affected his behavior negatively before and made a complete lifestyle change for himself. If your FI doesn’t want to change for himself and your life together, then why would you sacrifice your happiness?
Post # 11
@fascinated: ETA: It breaks my heart that this is the best you’ve been treated. You do deserve so much better.
It sounds like you have made a decision and are looking for help. Has he been violent towards you in the past? Do you think if he knows you are leaving he could be? Do you have family in the area? If not friends?
Post # 12
Your FI is an alcoholic. He obviously does not want to get help (he still thinks his drinking is your fault). You have to leave him for the sake of your son. Living with an active alcoholic (no matter how nice he is when he is sober) is not the environment for a child.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t automatically leave, but it does sound like your Fi is either an alcoholic, or at least has strong alcoholic tendencies. For someone who is an alcoholic, there is no “happy medium” where they can be able to enjoy a few drinks and just not have “too many.” They must stop drinking completely, period. It’s entirely possible for a recovering alcoholic to have a happy life, and a long and healthy, loving marriage, so it may be worth postponing the wedding and making your fi’s sobriety be a condition to move forward. But both of you must be fully committed to the work it takes to seeing him through recovery.
Post # 14
Your son will deal with leaving, and he will be ok. What your son will NOT be ok with is watching his mother be treated like shit, and watching his step father get wasted and act like a jack ass.
People often stay because of the children, they do not realize the damage they are doing by staying in relationships that are unhealthy. My mom and dad were good people who loved each other, but they fought ALL THE TIME. They broke up for good when I was 8, but I can remember the fights to this day. I remember hearing them from my room, crying. Don’t do that to your son.
Post # 15
Honest opinion….leave him.
Post # 16
Your son is going to be WAY more messed up by having an alcoholic step-Dad than by not having one at all!