Post # 1
So here’s the thing: I’m one of those girls who made the mistake of asking someone to be a bridesmaid that I’m not close to. My fiance’s sister.
She has been a nightmare. My entire family is fired up about things she’s done. I feel like a lot of the planning (family time especially) has been hindered by everyone being upset with how she and her mother (my fiance’s mother) have acted.
Well she pulled a stunt. And was [nicely] “called out” on it. It is something hard to explain but so bad she better hope nobody she knows hears about it. (it is in regards to her controlling/manipulating nature). My fiance I can tell is having a hard time admitting he knows she has done wrong, but I know he gets it and that’s good enough for me… even though I feel alone in dealing with this in regards to him.
Now she will not speak a WORD to me. We went to a wedding and she wouldn’t talk to me. Looked me up and down, stared at my mid section (she’s obsessed with weight. We are both thin girls.) with a slight smirk on her face.
Now she’s going to be in a gleaming bridesmaid dress, and how the heck is this day going to go with her right near me ignoring me but talking with friends of my fiance and I? I don’t want to have to fight for talking to people or feeling natural. I feel like I am so uncomfortable about this entire thing. I don’t deserve to be.
What should I do about it that day? I honestly don’t think she is even coming to my house to get ready/take pics on the wedding day… but is a Bridesmaid or Best Man…
Post # 3
What about having Fiance or Future Mother-In-Law talk with her?
Post # 4
When is your wedding date?
Is there any way to mend the situation before then?
If not, I wouldn’t even keep her as a bm. I would just be honest with her and tell her that because of the nature of your relationship now, you would prefer if she was not part of the bridal party. Just be prepared to not have her at the wedding.
Post # 5
Future Mother-In-Law is no better, those two (the Future Sister-In-Law and her) are like a team.
My fiance probably won’t do much. But he is on his way to seeing what I am saying. I know it’s hard where it’s his family. But.. I’ll be his wife! He gets it, but he won’t admit it outright. I can tell he is at a loss for words when I bring it all out, the stuff that’s gone on.
The wedding date is around the corner (I know I’ve got a Jan 1 up there), there is no time to mend… I just keep smiling and being as nice as I can, try to act natural, but I don’t see us being “civil” for a long time. (or… IS this civil? Civil = awkward?)
After all that has happened (and I’m not surprised, knowing her) we could never be friends. It’s really sad…
I wish I could ask her to not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man at this point, but I know my fiance wants her in the wedding and even though I was so ready to say she should not be, I decided in the long run she will be as involved on that day just as she would if a Bridesmaid or Best Man, whether she’s in the dress or not– but I admit I do feel like there is a difference, she will be expected to be in pics, photog will include her in all, she will be in a gleaming dress. Something about it doesn’t sit right, but the biggest issue is the awkwardness!
Post # 6
You need to sit her down and tell her that you are both adults and you are willing to put everything between you in the past starting today. Despite her bad behaviour, invite her to lunch, extend a olive branch, be the bigger person, even if she is in the wrong.
You still have some time before your wedding, and more important than her being a bridesmaid she is going to be your SIL for life, so I would use the opportunity to squash everything and enter the marriage with a clean slate between you both.
If that fails have Fiance talk to her, explain that you really tried to make an effort and you are both hurt my her blantant disrespect, and until things change you would both would be limiting interactions with her.
Post # 7
To be honest, I don’t think talking with her will do anything. If she’s the type of person you’re describing, then she gets off by making others feel insignificant. I think you’re doing a really good job of handling the situation so far and I hate to say it, but you’re probably just going to have to keep riding it out like you have been. Eventually, believe it or not, everyone (friends included) will take notice of how she’s acting and start ignoring her. But remember, when people are at your wedding, they will be paying attention to you and your husband. So just bask in all the attention and that alone will be enough to shut her up 😉
Post # 8
Is it just you that she is upset with, or your fiance as well? You could consider changing her to a “groomsmaid.” That way she is not getting ready with you and your other BMs. It is, after all, to support your fiance that you chose her in the first place (I had my husband’s sister as a Bridesmaid or Best Man as well, so I’ve totally been there). If changing her side isn’t an option, just keep reminding yourself that you are putting up with her for your fiance.
Post # 9
I love the groomsmaid idea!!
I would attempt to talk to her and offer her an out if she doesn’t want to be a part of it all.
Post # 10
When is your wedding. Personally I would kick her out. It makes completely no sense to have a bridesmaid who refuses to speak to you. If your fiance doesnt want to admit that she is wrong, then why should you have to deal with ther crap.
Post # 11
Originally, Fi’s sister was in our wedding, too. It’s a long, dramatic story, but basically, she thought I wasn’t going to ask her and was super upset, mentioned it to her husband, who told Fi. I didn’t care one way or another, so I asked her, and she was so excited, she cried and called Future Mother-In-Law to tell her. Fast forward to Bridesmaid or Best Man dress shopping all about her, we choose a dress, and then a few months after, she texts to say ‘never mind, I don’t want to do it anymore’. Now, talking about the wedding is awkward, and has been this way for the entire year leading up to our wedding. Truthfully, it’s been easier to not have her. Bottom line is, I make an attempt to just not unnecessarily discuss it with her, and we just talk about other things.
If she was still in the wedding, I would definitely just suggest you go out for coffee or something and just talk it over. Explain how she’s making you feel, and let her know that you’re happy to include people who are supportive and positive in your wedding, but if she feels that she can’t do that, then perhaps it’s not the best choice.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the advice
She is really not even someone to talk to about it… it just wouldn’t do anything. Everyone describes her as a “loony toon” based off all that’s going on, maybe that can sort of describe her better.
There’s nothing “there”. There’s no getting through.
I kept trying to just talk with her at another wedding we were at. She answered me short answers with a stone face. I just feel like if I don’t acknowledge her I am being silly about it, but at the same time it’s so awkward. ugh I wonder how the rehearsal and wedding will go!
Post # 13
sounds like you might be better off just ignoring her completely. it’s only awkward if you let it be…so don’t let it be! let HER feel awkward.
what exactly did she do? i’m guessing you didn’t say for a reason, but i have to admit to some curiosity, lol.
Post # 14
Just focus on your husband on your wedding day-You will be so happy nothing else will matter-even if she behaves like an @$$!
Post # 15
I don’t think you should have to have anyone unsupportive around you on your wedding day. But in the long run, kicking her out might not be the best option for family relations. I think your husband-to-be has a responsibility to read his sister the riot act about getting her act together, and I think you should have a talk with her, also–does she even want to be a bridesmaid? If she isn’t going to be supportive of you, maybe she should stand on his side during the wedding. Or just sit in the audience. Or sit in the car…
Post # 16
@yassim: Honestly? Just kick her butt to the curb.
I’d also be talking with my Fiance until he admits, out loud, that she has a problem. It sounds like he’s been ignoring it for a long time and doesn’t want to admit anything. However, he really NEEDS to admit, aloud, there’s a problem and that it needs to be squashed.
I’m a very confrontational person and the last time I didn’t open my mouth and slap someone down, I ended up angry with my Fiance and my future step-son. Needless to say, THEY got the full-force of my anger. I also stated then and there I would NEVER remain silent again. After my Fiance realized what had happened and acknowledged, aloud, that his friend had been in the wrong majorly, he apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He also promised that if anyone tried to pull the same crap again, HE would be the one speaking up for me.
Good luck and I hope everything goes smoothly for you!!!