Post # 1
First a little background info.. My FI parents are paying for the wedding. FI is the only child, so his mother is very very excited. She is an over planner and very opinionated. Plus she wants to be involved in everything from going to bridals shows to picking out my dress. Now to the problem. To me my mom seems to be feeling left out. I think because she is not financially capable of contributing, she thinks she should be in the background. It makes me sad that she doesn’t feel as excited as she should about her daughter getting married. I don’t want to feel resentment towards my FMIL but I am starting to. Oh to make things worst today FMIL says to FI at dinner, the only opinions that matters are "you and lethie and me and dad". Oh and (insert my moms name). Ouch! What should I do?
Post # 3
tough situation, but it sounds like you need to pay extra attention to making your mom feel included in your process and set boundaries with FI’s mom if your FMIL exhibits dictatorship qualities. Regardless of whose paying. This is your wedding and your mom shouldn’t feel like she’s loosing her daughter in the process or being axed out.
I’m in an opposite situation, my parents are paying for 90%, FI and I are covering the extra 10% and his parents are just doing the rehearsal and don’t have the means to contribute to the wedding. For my FMIL this is the closest she will get to planning a wedding and I know it makes her sad (she has a daughter of her own, but it’s a long story and lets just say its not a healthy one.)
So to make FI’s mom feel included, I’ve started a blog documenting the process so that BOTH "mom’s" can see what is going on and I make sure to send his mom pictures of anything we’ve purchased or to call her just to make her feel like she is an important part of it.
I don’t know how close you are with your mom, but she is YOUR mom, and regardless of the fact that FI’s side is paying for it, this is her day to celebrate too so I encourage you to seek out ways to get her involved that aren’t financial. When you’ve narrowed down choices on things, run them by your mom first, not that she will make the decision, but just so that she feels like she’s connected. "Do you prefer this pattern or this one?" "Should I do copper or chocolate?" "What sort of jewelry would look best with the dress?" you know what I mean?
I’ve done this with my dessert —- We don’t wanna spend $$$ on cake so instead I’m collecting all the old family dessert recipes on both families sides and the week before the wedding the gals and I are baking.
Hope some of those ideas help.
The worst thing you can do is ignore it hoping it will go away. It won’t and I can tell you that it is the saddest thing to be at weddings where one side of the family has been left out and made to feel second best because of whose funding the party.
Post # 4
when we first got engaged, someone told me not to forget that "the one who pays, plays." i did not understand what the heck they meant until we started wedding planning.
i have a similar problem. my honey and i are paying for half, my honey’s parents are paying for 40%, and my parents about 10% (not because they are not able to contribute more tho, but because that’s all they wanted to contribute- yeah, that’s a whole story in and of itself). as a result, my FMIL has been super involved, not to mention the queen at all the showers, and I could tell early on that my mom was feeling left out.
like glittrgrl suggested, i started involving her in decisions i had already "made" (narrowed down to 2 or 3 favorite choices then asked her to "pick"). i also asked her to do little things for me, like finding ribbon for programs, helping me with the guest list, locating old family wedding pictures for the guest table, helping me shop for jewelry (and of course the dress) etc. I also made a point to "show" her anything I made or bought for the wedding, like my shoes, the little cones I made for the petal toss, stuff like that. I found that once I started doing what i could to show her that i needed her, she started showing more interest in planning and the wedding.
i completely understand how sad you feel about your mother not being "excited." i felt that way too at first. but then i realized, maybe it’s not that she wasn’t excited…maybe it’s that she felt disappointed because I am her only daughter and she felt like I didn’t want her involved in my wedding. It’s silly I know! But not all moms know how to reach out / know the right things to do right away. Or mine didn’t anyway.
i don’t have any helpful advice on reigning in the FMIL, other than don’t be afraid to use your FI!
Post # 5
Also, maybe have your mom help you assemble any DIY projects. Then she can feel like she’s contributing something and not worry about money.
Post # 6
It’s very perceptive of you to worry about how your mom is feeling. It’s going to take a lot of work on your part to make sure she feels involved, no matter how much or little she can contribute financially.
For example, when your FMIL wants to go to the bridal shows or dress shopping, make sure you invite your mom, too. If you get resistance from mom, tell her that it’s important for you that she is a part of it. Sometimes, they just need the confirmation that YOU WANT them there.
It might get annoying for her to be there if your FMIL is constantly making comments about how her opinion matters more because of the money. I know you want to have a good relationship w/ your FIL’s, but delicately reserve some things for just you and your mom by saying, "This is something I’d like to do with just my mom, but I really appreciate you being so involved and interested, and I look forward to doing (insert task here) with you."
Post # 7
I am sure it has already been said, but perhaps there are certain situations that you can ask your Mom to help you with, or help you to plan. I like the "script" that SoCalBeachGirl suggested. Good luck!
Post # 8
i say this with all due respect, but why should your own mom feel "left out" b/c of money?? that’s the most retarded thing i’ve heard! and what do you mean "what should I do?" Stop whining and acting like your FMIL holds all the power!! yes she is paying, but it is not her wedding, it’s her son’s wedding to you. i’m not trying to be mean, im just saying, your’e a grown ass woman and should be able to either pull your FI aside or have a woman to woman with your FMIL and tell her your mom will be involved, money or no money from her.
Weddings are a family affair and your mom should be included – stand up for yourself and your mom!
money is the your IL’s gift but FMIL should not be yeilding it as if it’s got strings attached. TAKE your mother dress shopping, include your mother in the planning, dont let a controlling FMIL dictate what you shuld have at your wedding. what’s next – your FMIL is going to tell you how to parent your own kids??
Also, tell your FI how you are feeling – it’s his mom and he should be able to calm her down
good luck and hang in there!!
Post # 9
You go Anti-Zilla! Absolutely. Just because your FILs are paying doesn’t mean they get to do all the planning. My parents are paying for most of our wedding, and FI and I are doing almost everything. I let my mom know what we want. She makes suggestions, and that is really welcome, but we do the choosing.
You need to take back control of your own wedding. Of course, that means that you have to step up and do the planning, make the schedules, determine who help with what and when. Don’t let FMIL schedule tastings or fittings or whatever – you do it. Then let everyone who is invited to participate know what and when and where. Sometimes that will be you and your mom (totally appropriate for the dress. Let you FMIL help with tuxes.) Sometimes you and FI (like perhaps cake tasting?) Sometimes you and both moms (like the florist). FMIL can’t "take over" the process unless you let her. Be nice, be polite, be respectful, and get what you want.
Post # 10
I have spoken to my FI about his mother and sometimes I think that he can get a little touchy. But I told him that I will be taking my mother dress shopping alone. Then when I narrow it down, I will bring FMIL. I will tell her this as well this Saturday. Like Suzanno said, I will be polite and respectful when doing it lol.
Glittergrl- I am not going to ignore it. I realize that if I don’t speak to FMIL she will think everything is ok. I did speak to my mom. I explained to her that under no circumstances should she feel like she is a second class citizen because she can’t contribute tho this wedding.
Anti-Zilla- Appreciate the advice. I was not whining and did not intend to come off as such. I am a grown your right. Yes my mom will be involved. I was asking how should I get my mom to be excited when I felt like she was not. But agin I will make sure FMIL understands that this is our wedding and the decisions will be ours.
Thanks ladies for all the advice!
Post # 11
Lethie, I think we all focused our replies on FMIL’s control issue, but Marisa hit it on the head. There are some moms (and other family members & friends, too!) who just aren’t going to get that excited about your wedding as you are.
You assumed it was because she felt second-rate due to the financial contribution, and it sounds like you did a great job in telling mom that you want her involved regardless of the money she’s contributing.
Be ready, though, that her enthusiasm level might not change anyway. As happy as parents are for their child and their impending marriage, sometimes they struggle with knowing their "little baby" is moving on and growing up.
My family had a VERY difficult time because they realized my husband would become my #1 priority and the person I make decisions with. They didn’t want to admit it was happening, so their outward reaction was lack of enthusiasm during the wedding process. This is a common theme among brides, so deal with it the best you can and focus on the amazing wedding and journey you’re about to start.