What should I say?

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Would there be a way to suggest to her that you pick it out together? Or – next time she says she bought something or wants to buy something say ” What an awesome deal/idea. Thanks so much for thinking about us! We actually were already looking at one – I love it because it’s portable/matches our stuff/doesn’t take up room. What do you think? We’ve already started shopping, so while you’re excited, can you wait to pick stuff out until we release our registry? We want to make sure we don’t end up with duplicates of stuff”

I totally feel for ya! Good luck!!

Post # 4
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Can you just post the registry so she knows what to buy? You can also invite her shopping and talk through why you choose the brand, model, etc so she sees the amount of research.

Also, my mom has given me a lot of crap about my obsessing over each item for the baby. It took her a long time to realize the amount of choices we now have and that we can no longer have “if it is on the market, it must be safe” mentality. She said she only had one or two choices and that was it.

Post # 5
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@megz06:  I would just tell her nicely that while you really appreciate it and you are so excited she’s that excited you realy would like to wait to buy the bigger items. Tell her you aren’t quite sure what kind of furniture you are going to go with yet and you want to just wait on that kind of thing. I don’t see the harm in that. Buying cute onesies and buying a big piece of furniture are two completely different things. I would stay away from things like “well we have done a lot of research and that’s not the one we want” because it can come off as being kind of snotty? I don’t know if that’s the word. But almost like her gift wouldn’t be good enough in some way.I would just be really appreciative of her excitement but make it clear that it’s too early to buy things like that.

Post # 6
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Since she texted your DH about it, can he just tell his mom that you guys are looking into something different?  Sometimes, I think, when it comes from “their own child” they actually listen, but your MIL sounds like she is just too excited and wants to buy the whole store.  If your DH cant tell her so, then in a very polite way tell her that you and DH are still debating what you want the nursery to look like and the most likely you would want to pick that out with him, that you want to experience piking certain items with your hubby, her son.  Hopefully she gets the message.  GL

Post # 7
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@megz06:  Oh man that is SO tough.

I would say something to her. Just tell her that you really appreciate her wanting to get you a change table but you guys are planning on using the dresser top. Tell her you have really loved researching all of the essentials you want and deciding with your DH. Also mention the last thing you’d want is for her to waste her money on something that won’t be useful or practical for you guys and then maybe suggest getting together with her and giving her an exclusive look at your private registry.

Make it about her! 

Post # 8
Member
8593 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would consider sending her a link to the registry.  Do you talk or text her much?  I would consider sending a text and saying DH told you about the changing table and wanted to let her know that you already have all the furniture and do not need or want anymore.  Then maybe let her know you can email her a link to the registry if she is interested in looking at any items you might need. That’s what I’d do anyway.

I will probably say “I have a very specific X item in mind” when offered something that isn’t what I want.  So MIL offered a stroller to DH but I told him I have a very specific one I want (a jogging stroller) so I told him to tell his mother so.

Post # 10
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

People like that drive me nuts!  If she wants something to “mean something” tell her to make the baby a blanket!  If she has no crafty skills she could buy a no sew kit and do it (anyone can make those!).  And hey it would mean a lot because Grandma made it for baby!!

Post # 11
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@megz06:  Honestly I wouldn’t even go into why her choice isn’t practical. Just leave it at “we aren’t ready to decide on that big of an item yet. But it’s so nice of you to offer! We are so glad you are so excited about our baby!” Explaining too much can be just as bad as not explaining enough ya know?

Post # 13
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@megz06:  It seems her intentions are good lol. it can be a fine line to walk. good luck! hopefully she can understand once you guys talk more about it.

Post # 14
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@megz06:  My mom tried to pass down her rocking chair to me. The thing is old, all wood (you can put a cousion on it, but it would still be hard to find one that is padded enough) and scratched from 35 years of use. When I said no thanks, I would prefer a recliner/glider that would be comfortable to sleep in late in pregnancy (since our couches don’t recline) and the nursery is only 12*12 so having both isn’t a good option she kept on pushing because of the senitmental value. I finally said I would much rather prefer my old baby blanket (which won’t be used anyway because babies don’t use blankets now) and that she should save the rocking chair for my sister. I even threw in that I feel selfish for having dibs on the all the ‘good baby stuff’ and want my sister to have some special things to choose from. Can you approach the crib in a similar manner?

Another approach I learned from my sister in law, when you don’t want to fight, blame it on the doctor. “The doctor recommends this brand”, “the doctor advised not to use cribs older than 2012” most people don’t fight with doctors recommendations.

Post # 15
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@megz06:  For clothes and toys, etc. I agree you shouldn’t say anything and just let her go for whatever she wants to buy.  You can return/donate that relatively easily without her knowing.

For furniture, that’s a big purchase that takes up a lot of room!  I absolutely think you should tell her thanks so much for the offer but we’ve already got a dresser that will double as a changing table and we just don’t have room for a separate changing table.  You do need to set some boundaries early on and I think this is an appropriate time to do that.  If she wants to buy things for baby, she should be asking you what you guys want/need when it comes to the big items like that, not just buying them for you.

Also, since it’s your MIL, I think your DH needs to step up and handle this one for you.

Post # 16
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Also, my mom is super over the top involved like this as well and it totally overwhelms me because I’m just not ready to make some of those big decisions yet.  I just basically tell her we’re not at the point of making that decision. I can be a lot more forceful with her since it’s my own mom of course.  But, maybe you can tell her it’s overwhelming you and you have a lot to think about and need to do it at your own pace.

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