Post # 1
I see a lot of threads regarding what women can do physically in order to help themselves through the TTC process. I’m curious, what do the pregnant bee’s, or bee’s who have children, feel that us TTC bee’s should be discussing with our spouse’s/partners prior to our first pregnancy?
As one example, we have briefly discussed what we would do if we found out about any genetic abnormalities but we were not on the same page. I know that we should try to get there, but I also know that in some things with my husband, it’s better to wait and see if anything happens, and then address it. But, should I discuss things like certain tests we know we will have to get done, and what we will do with certain reults? Do we really need to be in agreement regarding everything that MAY happen in the next 9-12 months before it even happens?
It seems like a lot of work on my part to pre research being pregnant in order to pre-discuss everything you go through. I expected that my doctor will guide us through this process, but my Boyfriend or Best Friend indicated to me that she wishes they had had some discussions about what they would do in certain circumstances prior to TTC.
Also, feel free to throw out all discussion points, wether it be money or who will wake up at night. It does not have to revolve around testing.
Post # 3
We wont be TTC until the end of the year (AHH! YAY!) but we are both pretty clueless when it comes to testing/the medical part of pregnancy. I’m starting to read a little more about it but I feel like its something we’ll have to learn along the way.
In the mean time we have discussed a lot about finances, daycare, work schedules, etc. We’ve talked about taking turns during the night to get up, and how we will discipline. A lot of our talk right now is daydreaming (“I can’t wait til we have kids and bring them to the beach”) type of thing.
But of course my favorite thing to discuss is how we’ll set up the nursery 😉
Post # 4
We talked about all the “pre-TTC” things before marriage since I think it’s important to be on the same page about most of that stuff. Things I think are worth discussing:
-genetic testing/preferences if results are abnormal
-plan for TTC if you run into fertility troubles – will you do IVF? adopt? Live childfree?
-how you will split up childcare responsibilities (DH actually brought this one up and had a whole plan mapped out about how on his basketball nights I will watch baby of course, but then he will give me the other nights of the week “off” for me to go do whatever I want! – bonus points for him for this idea!!!)
Post # 5
We also talked about a lot of this before we got married. We talked about what we would do if there were health problems with the baby, with myself. We also talked about how we would handle money while I’m on maternity leave. I work part time, so I don’t get any paid leave, so we came up with a plan of stocking up on household items (toilet paper, shampoo, soap, canned and frozen foods) so it would cut down costs while I’m not working, and also we wouldn’t need to be going to the store as often.
Post # 6
@MrsWBS: Wow I hope my husband is that accomodating! LOL
All good things to discuss… In doing a little googling of things to discuss, I see this on an article in the section regarding complications. This is where I get confused, how much of this am I really even supposed to KNOW before getting pregnant and visiting with our doctor??? I mean, CVS? Materni21 what?
What type of testing are you and your partner willing to do during the pregnancy? Tests like a CVS or Amnio. If the results come back with genetic abnormalities what options are you willing to take. Can you raise a child with severe disabilities or deliver a baby that may only live for a few days? Or can you never imagine terminating a pregnancy?
Post # 7
@MsJ2theZ: I don’t think you need to get into the nitty gritty of all the testing options (though it doesn’t hurt to be informed), but I think it’s good to be on the same page about – should we get genetic testing done? Would we terminate? Many people choose not to have the tests because they wouldn’t terminate under any circumstnaces. Some people want the option to terminate, others just want to know so they can be prepared. I’m very pro-choice and want that option to terminate, so my Darling Husband and I would not be compatible if he felt he wouldn’t terminate under any circumstance.
Post # 8
@MsJ2theZ: We talked about it all before marriage (like parenting styles, genetics, would be abort or keep), but we are now getting into things like:
When do we tell everyone and who do we tell?
Do we find out the gender? If so, will we tell everyone else?
Picking out names…do we keep it to ourselves or make it known?
We are also starting to talk about birthing options (which I firmly believe is my choice since it is my body unless it comes to the well-being of the baby), but I am asking him about classes and what he wants to do. Does he want to be in there for deliver or no? Does he want to contact our families while I’m in labor or after the baby is born?
I think honestly you just need to have a conversation about the big stuff that you already mentioned, and leave the little stuff (like all my nit-picky things for later) because you honestly can’t go through it all. We have decisions to make every day after I read a chapter in my pregnancy book. It is all so overwhelming, but fun and totally worth it. We are going to be the most prepared, unprepared parents 🙂
Post # 9
@MrsWBS: that’s a great list! Apart from knowing that we both want children those ‘specifics’ weren’t discussed.
As we are getting closer & it’s becoming a bit more ‘real’ finances is a big one. After the wedding we are going to start living off one income to determine what adjustments we need to make. Exciting but scary stuff!
Post # 10
I think having a discussion on how far you want to go should you have fertility issues might be a good topic. Some people wouldn’t want extraordinary measures (IVF, surrogate, etc) while others would. If you guys have differing opinions, and that is a deal breaker for one of you, that’s good to know up front.
Post # 11
@MsJ2theZ: As I’m sure others have already said…
Will he go with you to all your appointments/some or none? How do you feel about that?
What if you get pregnancy induced-anemia/hypertension/diabetes/put on bed rest can you take time off work, can you afford that?
What birthing style do you think you would prefer? Are you open to change when you get in the middle of it? Some women want a partner to stand up and remind them of their plan, others want the option to change their mind if they please.
Who will care for the child? If it’s daycare, how long will you have to be on a waiting list for the one you want and will it be possible to stay home longer if the one you want does not have a spot open when you want to go back to work?
What are your parenting styles?
Who will get up in the middle of the night?
How much time can you both get off of work?
Breast or bottle? (Some men actually do have an opinion on the subject)
Immunizations, yes or no?
Obviously some things you may decide on now and change your mind when it comes down to it. Keeping an open line of communication is key. It something is bothering you, speak up. It’s better to avoid resentment when possible for any relationship.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@MsJ2theZ: Should you buy a short term disability plan to cover your maternity leave? Is he going to take any time off when the baby is born? How are you going to handle holidays and visits with family?
Post # 13
Commenting to follow!! Darling Husband and I are talking about it now and have already covered a lot of the topics here both before our marraige and right after. Hoping for more insight as it comes!
Post # 14
@thenextmrsi: I’m just commenting to follow also! Darling Husband and I haven’t really talked about much as far as TTC specifics go – this is a very handy thread!