Post # 1
So J and I fought about living together again and I just said no, absolutely not until we are engaged. He put an ad up on Craigslist looking for a new roomie and is considering men and women! I can’t really say too much since I moved in with a man and woman. But now he’ll have a roommate again and I’m kind of turned off and he isn’t talking about moving forward at all. He thinks moving forward is living together and I don’t know how much more I can take. How much longer should I wait? It’s been 13 months and I know he is the one but he is still scared at 37 years old for crying out loud! I just want to avoid him because now I know we are gonna go back to casually hanging out 2-3x a week…lame.
I know I should stay cool and I shouldn’t say anything. How do I do that? How do I stay cool when I am peeved! I’m considering some way of maybe moving it to 1-2x per week at the most and pulling back but I don’t want it to backfire….ugh!
Post # 3
hmmmm sounds like a tricky situation. Why don’t you want to move in together? I sort of agree that moving forward is moving in. You sort of have to test drive before you buy, ya know?
Post # 4
i been living together with my fi for 8 years and now is when we are getting married. i dont think is a bad idea to move in together
also men see time different. u know by now that he is the one but maybe he is not ready for marriage. i know that for some people marriage is the same as living together but believe me is not!
Post # 5
Sorry ladies, I’ve lived with men before and nothing happened and I don’t need to test him out first. No offense it’s just not something I am ready to do. Marriage is important to me.
Post # 6
Long as he understands that. You just need to have a serious discussion and bite the bullet and tell him If you cant communicate your frustrations now when will you be able to?
Need to be on the same page to be going forward.
Post # 7
no offense taken. I was just curious. you need to be honest with yourself and with your BF about what you want and what you expect. if he can’t give it to you then I’m sorry but you know you have to make the tough decision.
Post # 8
Thanks Meowkers, you are right some difficult decisions are going to have to be made.
He just texted and said that he is cool with the fact I won’t live with him but just has a different opinion, all that really matters is that he is with me. Okay sweet but I still don’t know what this means.
Ugh why do men torment us like this?!
Post # 9
I totally understand. I want to be married or at the least engaged before we live together also.
I know he hsaid he is okay with you not living with him, but I would talk to him about the female roommate thing though. At least let him know how you feel.
Post # 10
I’ve been living with my FI for 3 years, and we are getting married next year. He was scared, too- bad divorcce.
The whole pulling back thing sounds like game playing to me. You need to be straghtforward, otherwise- how would your marriage be? You need to have an adult conversation about it, and by adult I mean no pouting or yelling. Just straighfoward conversation.
My FI said he would never get remarried again. Well, here we are…
Post # 11
VikingPrincess, I think moving in together, having that experience, means a lot to men.
On the other hand, I totally understand wanting to wait for engagement.
Are you stressed because you have this difference of opinion on a pretty major topic, or because he’s going to move in with a roommate, or because that roommate might be a woman?
My boyfriend and I are moving in together this summer (we’ve been together for 2 years…we’re slow movers), and I’m looking forward to it, but I too was always the one who thought she’d be engaged before moving in together. But in talking about our future, he’s made it clear that moving in together is really important to him. I realized it was something I wanted to do too, and since I’m sure he’s the guy, I think it’s probably a good idea. But before I signed on for it, I told him that for me, moving in together is the next step, and that I’m thinking about marriage, and that he needs to be aware of that, because if that’s not where he’s at, I don’t think it’s going to work out. And he was definitely on the same page with that. But it was important to me to let him know what I wanted and what I expected.
I guess my point is, moving in is a democratic decision, so if both people don’t WANT to move in together, it ain’t gonna happen. I guess I would just be very clear on why you didn’t want to do it, and get his response, and move forward from that.
Post # 12
Honestly, the idea that you need to live together before you get married to “test the waters” is silly. I lived with my FI before we were engaged, and I live with him now, but there was nothing that I could have discovered living with him that would have changed my commitment to him. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, you should really already know all the things about their daily habits–whether they’re clean or messy, when they get up and go to bed, what they do during the day, if they like to take naps, what they watch on tv, and whether you want to live with them forever. There shouldn’t be any big surprises. So if you have a moral or practical objection to living with your SO before you’re engaged or married, that’s absolutely fine and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. At your SO’s age, it would seem that 13 months is long enough to know whether or not he wants to marry you–has he said that he does want to marry you and he’s just scared of taking that step? Or is it that he’s not sure yet? At a certain point you have to decide when you’re done sitting around waiting for him to make decisions that affect your life. None of us can tell you how long is too long to wait–but you need to consider a few things. Are you willing to stay with him unmarried for the rest of your life because you love him and want to be with no matter what? Or is marriage itself too important to you? Both are totally legitimate. If it’s the first, then you need to wait patiently until and if he’s ready. If it’s the second, you two need to have a serious conversation about what you need and want and see what he says. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for you. ((HUGS))
Post # 13
How is he scared if he wants to move in with you? He loves you! I don’t think that necessarily means he’s scared…it means he wants to move forward. For a lot of people, moving in together equates to moving forward. But to you, there needs to be a committment first. Since you won’t move in, all you can do is stay with him and be happy, or don’t. Honestly, you’re being scared, too–since you’ve lived with men before and it hasn’t worked out, so it’s a two-way street. You both have some valid fears and concerns.
I’m considering some way of maybe moving it to 1-2x per week at the most and pulling back but I don’t want it to backfire It will. He’s a grown man. Don’t play games with him. If you start pulling back, why would he ask you to marry him? I don’t think withdrawing will get you anywhere, honestly.
Post # 14
Is he having some sort of financial hardship? It sort of sounds like that is why he wants a roommate. And you were his first choice for a roommate, probably because he wanted to avoid the consequences of having other “non-you” roommates.
Post # 15
Thanks for all the advice ladies, sorry to be writing about this again. We are both being stubborn. But I’m angry because I’ve always told him my stance and now he thinks I’ll just change my mind because it would be easy since his roommate is moving out. That isn’t how I wanted it to be anyways. If he wanted to live with me so badly he could have asked that roommate to leave. They guy spent all his time at his girlfriends house anyways.
I want to pull back because him being unsure makes me nervous. Nothing says confidence like we’ll slow this thing down because we don’t live together. And btw he has plenty o money so that isn’t an issue at all.
Post # 16
I have nothing against living together pre-engagement, I did it myself. And it did move my relationship forward. But I think it’s really important that a couple moves in only for the right reasons and at the natural “right point” in their relationship (might be 1 year for some and longer or shorter for others). Moving in for the wrong reasons (like if it’s primarily motivated by convenience or saving money) rather than the right reasons (to move the relationship forward) is a bad idea.
It seems a little concerning to me that the main impetus for him wanting to live together now is his roommate situation (you are the most convenient solution to his problem at the moment). I agree with what you said – if he wanted to live with you so badly – and for the “right reasons” – he could have asked the roommate to leave.
If he has plenty of money, why does he want to keep living with roommates at age 37 (random craigslist ones – the only point of living w/ those is to save money, right? Vs. living with old friends or something) I hope I’m not offending you, but that sounds a little unusual to me. Could he live in the apt by himself for a while until you feel more ready to move in (either because you have gotten engaged, or you have changed your mind and feel more ok w/ it)?
I think you should stick to your guns on not moving in now. If it feels more right to you in the future, you can always change your mind (don’t be too stubborn if you really do start to feel it would be ok).