Post # 1
So my boyfriend and I have recently ordered and exchanged promise rings that we both wear on our left ring finger, since we agreed that we should have been officially living together before we get oficially engaged … you know like a test drive sort of. This has always been the plan, and we are in full search of an apartment, but the market is tough and its taking us a wile. The other night we were discussing decor and getting a new TV and such, and we got into the subject of our timeline for the engagement, and I said something about how at least a year is “mandatory” to have shared our home before announcing our engagement, and he said he thought three years was a minimum!! I’m terrifyed! I’ve never heard him say anything like that before, and I’ve been rather explicit with the one year-idea, and he has always just agreed with me!!! Where did this come from??!!! I’m freaking out a little… Please advice me!! c:
Post # 3
@HopefulCatlover: First, how old are you two and how long have you been together?
Post # 4
@HopefulCatlover: How old are you? How long have you been together?
Post # 5
@bmo88: Ha! Great minds think alike!
Post # 6
@HopefulCatlover: I agree I have to know how old you are.
Honestly, there is no ‘minimum’, it’s based on what you two feel is a good minimum.
Post # 7
Hello again 🙂
We are 21 and 23 and have been together for two years and some. Following our “original” plan we would be engaged at the earliest in 1,5 years and married in ~2,5 to 4 very roughly.
I do kind of love how honest people are here 🙂 it gives me some perspective 😛 as do my night of good sleep since I vented yesterday 😉 please go on! I suppose I can guess what is to follow and might need to hear it.
Post # 8
@HopefulCatlover: I find it kind of strange that he wants to live together for 3 years “at a minimum.” Maybe this is more about where he sees you two in 3 years instead. Will you guys be finishing school or something then?
Post # 9
@AlwaysSunny: …no there is no big event or anything… I wonder.
Post # 10
Yeah… I did that when I was around your age… We were together around the same time frame…. The promise ring thing… Don’t do it. We’re going on six years now and I’m still waiting.
if his timeline doesn’t match yours… Find someone else who’s timeline does.
otherwise you’ll grow bitter.
Post # 11
@HopefulCatlover: Ok. Here are my thoughts:
1. You’re both young. It’s entirely possible that he doesn’t feel ready or mature enough for marriage.
2. Financially speaking how are you guys doing? Do you both have jobs? Have you discussed what type of wedding you want? Weddings and moving in together can cost a lot of money and maybe he is worrying that he won’t be able to support a family on his current income or that you’re combined income won’t be enough. Money isn’t everything and it is far from the most important aspect of marriage, but feeling a bit more secure about your finances could make things a bit smoother.
3. Age again. You’re both very young and people change with time. Sometimes they grow closer together; other times they grow further apart. I know being together for 2 years seems like a long time, but it isn’t that long in the big picture – I’ve been with FI over 6 years and I know that isn’t even that long when you consider how long people live now. There are many couples who marry young and have long and loving marriages, but that isn’t always the case. Maybe he just wants a bit more time to really make sure this is something he wants and is ready for.
Would you guys be willing to compromise? For instance, maybe he compromises and proposes by the one year of living together mark. In return, you compromise by agreeing to a longer engagement. Or you could do the opposite: you agree that he has X number of years to propose after you move in together and you have a shorter engagement. Or you could both agree to do a smaller wedding sooner to save money.
I suggest you sit down and talk to your SO. See what he’s really thinking and do you best to get to the root of the problem. You won’t really know what to do until then.
Post # 12
I think you guys are still young, so 3 years isn’t that nuts. However, I totally get how waiting can be frustrating.
My husband and I started dating when I was 19, he was 21. We moved in together when I was 22, he was 24. We got engaged after living together for 2.5 years, when I was 24, he was 26. We got married when I was 26, he was 27 (he’s 1.5 years older than me). Just our timeline. I got frustrated with waiting at about age 23. Overall, though, I think we waiting a good amount of time. We got married at about the same time we were both graduating from graduate school and starting our careers. I think that was a perfect time for us to get married 🙂
Edit: I am always weary of promise rings. I never quite understood them, to be honest.
Post # 13
Keep in mind too that his timeline (and yours) might change. He might get to 1 year and be ready to roll, or you might get to 1 year and start freaking out. Don’t panic yet. If you’re happy where you are now, don’t worry about timelines. Just keep the communication open and see how things progress. You’re young and have plenty of time.
Post # 14
Thanks all of you 🙂 Its so comforting to get a little perspective on things!! 🙂 Thank you!! I know how silly I am, but sometimes you just need someoneelse to tell you 😉 😛
I’ve taken your advice to haert and talked to him a bit more about this, and he says marrige s not really that important to him … no one in his family except for his older sister, who I just love, we are sooooo alike!!!) have ever been married or even engaged, so more than feel ‘not ready’ he feels like its a strange and unfamiliar thing… But he does like his promise ring and we’re both childishly thrilled people can easily see we belong together 😉 which after all is all I could ever ask for 😉
Finantially I’ve been independent since early 16, when I moved to my first own apartment, yes I know its early. My family has never been close to rich and I’ve been in charge of most financials since I was ten so I’ve got that figured out. He has less experience but he’s extremly wise and garded and really handles his money well.
So about the wedding, we both really want a SMALL wedding, and since my family is scattered all over the planet and his doesn’t really care for weddings I see no reason we wouldn’t achive that 😉
We’ve also agreed we want a rather long engagement, since we’re both young and quite enjoy the planning process of these things. one and a half or two years should allow us to really milk the experience of being someone’s fiance 😉
Lastly I am now focusing on planning for our mutual home (he really doesn’t wants to do any decorating so I’m completely in charge!! 😀 YAY!!!) and am ENJOYING myself!!! He is quite exited to by a new tv though 😛 bla
Post # 15
I would feel differently about the three year thing if you were both in your 30s. You guys are still young enough for the to not be pushing it. I am a bit confused about the promise ring. I was given a promise ring, he did not have one. It was not attached to an engagement. The engagaement came maybe a year and a half later… Good luck!