(Closed) What to do??

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am wondering to how he would react to you taking charge. It sounds like getting his opinion on stuff isn’t working. As for, I’ll let you know in May if we have the $…I know for me it didn’t work that way. We really sat down and did a budget, got price quotes and picked our date making sure we could afford it. You gotta book some things early, even if it is a small ceremony. If you want to start planning before you have a budget I would gt price quotes for what you want and give the vendors a false wedding date. Pick what month you THINK you would get married in and start pricing things for those, keep a notebook of who you contacted and it could be a good head start to having your wedding good luck!

Post # 4
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

@Mlovescake:  When he says no to something, ask what he would suggest instead. Shooting down ideas without offering alternatives can be a form of resistance… maybe he’s just feeling anxious about it for some reason.

If you say ‘let’s have a beach wedding’ and he says ‘no’, ask him what he would prefer instead. If you say ‘let’s invite 50 people’ and he says ‘no’, ask him how big he would like to see the guest list be. He doesn’t get to shoot down your ideas if he has nothing better. He doesn’t get to make all the calls, of course, but if he’s just shooting down your ideas without offering something else, I think there’s something else going on.

You’re going to need to make some compromises, but it’s impossible to compromise if he won’t at least give you a starting point. If you say 20 guests and he says ‘no’, there’s no happy medium… but if he says ‘100’ maybe you can agree to 50 or 60.

Just make him offer alternatives. He’s allowed to have input as long as he’s bringing ideas to the table. If he continues to shoot down ideas without giving better ones, then I think there’s definitely something more going on, and you have to have a heart-to-heart about why he doesn’t want to go forward with anything in particular.

I encounter ‘no’ people at my job all the time. If it gets to be too big a deal, I just tell them “I’m going through with it this way, and unless you offer another alternative, it will be this way.” Maybe you just need to start planning a beach wedding and tell him that’s the way it’s going to be unless he contributes something valuable as well.

Post # 6
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Take this a a cue to how you two can solve probles in the future.  Someone who shoots down suggestions without any constructive input doesn’t makes for a difficult relationship.  Life is about communiction and comprimises and respect.  Your FI is all over the place and unpredictable and frankly that is maddening!

 

You could say, “Unless you sit down with me and come to an agreement about what type of wedding this will be, I will just have to plan it as I see fit within budget.  You’re giving me nothing to work with here.”

Post # 8
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You konw what, life is about stress and paying bills – everyone has to deal with it, but most other people manage much better. 

If someone is not able to deal with everyday life stress and reacts this way (sarcastic, uncomprimising, inability to communicate like an adult), are you sure you want to sign up for a lifetime of this?  Are you owing it all up to wedding planning?  Is this terribly out of the norm, or him just being him?  I just want to put it bluntly.

Post # 10
Member
7697 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Mlovescake:  I wonder if he is stressing because he didn’t realize how much weddings cost?  Perhaps you can talk about the “style/feeling” of the kind of wedding he’s thinking of?  Then go from there?

Post # 11
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Maybe you need to reverse engineer this. Instead of giving him, or you for that matter, the daunting task of having to say what he wants for the wedding, having to building it in his imagination from scratch when he really has not point of reference, let’s look at what he doesn’t like and WHY for clues.

First, what he likes:

– 50+ people at the wedding

– nothing too over the top

 

Second, what he does NOT like:

– Less than 20 people

– beach wedding

 

Now, ask him WHY does he not like a beach wedding. What is it about it that bothers him about it? Is it the sand? Is it too hot? Is it too…open of a space? If so, he wants comfort, and cool weather, and something more cozy. This narrows down months you could do your wedding and locations. Maybe something in the spring or fall and in a garden. Then ask him why not less than 20 people? Does he want it to be a party but not too out of control? OK, then you know what size venue/room you need.

See how you get closer and closer to what you can both agree on if you chip away at it? You both need the patience to have this kind of conversation. Try it.

You might also put it in terms of what his favorite parties were that he attended and get clues and ideas from that. What was the best time he had, or what was his favorite place he ever traveled to? What kind of food is his favorite?

I agree with PP’s that if you can’t discuss these types of things and he is so resistant, it is something to recognize in your relationship and fix. There will ALWAYS be bills and pressures. You still need to be able to function as a couple in the face of those pressures. Hang in there and keep us posted! Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Cornflakegirl:  Great job explaining it out in detail!

 

I hope she tries it and let’s us know how it went!

Post # 13
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

this sort of happened to me. eventually, i came to realize that my husband had a hard time visualizing things until they were literally placed in front of his face. the idea of a candy bar seemed crazy to him, but when i started showing him the containers with specific colored candy in them, he loved it. he wasn’t sold on the verterra plates i suggested, until i ordered a sample and he could actually see how beautiful they were.  show don’t tell!

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