Post # 1
Hello all. At the moment I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I hope this doesn’t turn into a really long post. My fiancé refuses to have anything to do with a wedding, or at least I feel that way. I know it’s a stressful process and that economic times are hard, so I suggested waiting until I’m 25 or 26 ( I’m 20, he’s 23) but he said he’d be too old. So he said sooner I asked how soon, he said that he doesn’t know. All of a sudden this January he said lets get married this summer, I said it was too soon, not enough money. He said lets aim for it and I’ll let you know in May if I have money. He seems to not understand planning takes time and lots of it in advance. Then he said ok let’s plan for next summer. He said ok. So he asked me to come up with ideas and he’s said no to everything. He says it’s over the top. Idk how I don’t want somethingextravagant, maybe 50 people or less all family because he refuses to have less than 20 people. Tbh I didn’t want a wedding, maybe a romantic beach ceremony, but he insists on a wedding. I suggested an enchanted forest theme he said its too much, too over the top… I don’t think it’s a money issue, I’ve suggested eloping, his response: we can’t do that to our families. I don’t know what to think, Ifeel like he doesn’t want to marry me… He says no to everyrging I suggest and idk how to deal with this frustration. I even said you choose a date, do what you want,you’re the one who wants the actual party. But nothing
Post # 3
I am wondering to how he would react to you taking charge. It sounds like getting his opinion on stuff isn’t working. As for, I’ll let you know in May if we have the $…I know for me it didn’t work that way. We really sat down and did a budget, got price quotes and picked our date making sure we could afford it. You gotta book some things early, even if it is a small ceremony. If you want to start planning before you have a budget I would gt price quotes for what you want and give the vendors a false wedding date. Pick what month you THINK you would get married in and start pricing things for those, keep a notebook of who you contacted and it could be a good head start to having your wedding good luck!
Post # 4
@Mlovescake: When he says no to something, ask what he would suggest instead. Shooting down ideas without offering alternatives can be a form of resistance… maybe he’s just feeling anxious about it for some reason.
If you say ‘let’s have a beach wedding’ and he says ‘no’, ask him what he would prefer instead. If you say ‘let’s invite 50 people’ and he says ‘no’, ask him how big he would like to see the guest list be. He doesn’t get to shoot down your ideas if he has nothing better. He doesn’t get to make all the calls, of course, but if he’s just shooting down your ideas without offering something else, I think there’s something else going on.
You’re going to need to make some compromises, but it’s impossible to compromise if he won’t at least give you a starting point. If you say 20 guests and he says ‘no’, there’s no happy medium… but if he says ‘100’ maybe you can agree to 50 or 60.
Just make him offer alternatives. He’s allowed to have input as long as he’s bringing ideas to the table. If he continues to shoot down ideas without giving better ones, then I think there’s definitely something more going on, and you have to have a heart-to-heart about why he doesn’t want to go forward with anything in particular.
I encounter ‘no’ people at my job all the time. If it gets to be too big a deal, I just tell them “I’m going through with it this way, and unless you offer another alternative, it will be this way.” Maybe you just need to start planning a beach wedding and tell him that’s the way it’s going to be unless he contributes something valuable as well.
Post # 5
Thank you for your quick replies. @Angels_love: that’s The thing though, I’ve looked at venues and gotten approx. estimates and I’ve sat him down and mentioned a few price quotes that I’ve gotten and he says well idk we need to see if we can come up with that money.
I ask well what do you want? What is your vision for this wedding? His answer is idk. I said give me a budget and I’ll try to come up with ideas and keep it under that but he says he doesn’t know. I suggest let’s try to keep it under $5000 and his reply is we have to see. I’ve even gone as far as keeping a journal of all the things I’d like to have and the cost for each and the total, coming in under $4000 for around 70 people. But he says I deserve better. It’s not that I’m being unreasonable, I’ve offered to pay for stuff also.
@koveline: I’ve tried talking to him about him feeling anxious and I’ve said it’s fine,weddings are stressful and we can do w/o all the stress. I’ve said I’ll go ahead and plan a dw or elopement but he says he’ll be hurt and that his family probably won’t go. I also mentioned the plus that it’d be cheaper and more intimate, but he just says he really wants his family there. I understand him completely on that part, but everything else, all the resistance, stumps me.
I have also just dropped the subject altogether and a few months later he’llBering it up. Two weeks ago he told me to show him rings I liked. He proposed two years ago, but now he says it’s a promise ring and that I deserve a better proposal and a better ring, neither of which has happened nor is necessary and I’ve told him that.
Post # 6
Take this a a cue to how you two can solve probles in the future. Someone who shoots down suggestions without any constructive input doesn’t makes for a difficult relationship. Life is about communiction and comprimises and respect. Your FI is all over the place and unpredictable and frankly that is maddening!
You could say, “Unless you sit down with me and come to an agreement about what type of wedding this will be, I will just have to plan it as I see fit within budget. You’re giving me nothing to work with here.”
Post # 7
@sienna76: I did last night. He said that he was glad to know he had my support, obviously being sarcastic. So I just told him I didn’t want to talk about it. He said he’s stressing out because he has work and bills ( he lives w/his parents and paying their mortgage and bills). Idk anymore I’ve said let’s keep it inexpensive and simple, yet elegant. I’m in culinary school, I can’t afford to spend too much on a wedding at the moment so we’ve agreed on that, but he won’t say if he has ideas for a budget. I’m going to try to cool down abut and talk to him later
Post # 8
You konw what, life is about stress and paying bills – everyone has to deal with it, but most other people manage much better.
If someone is not able to deal with everyday life stress and reacts this way (sarcastic, uncomprimising, inability to communicate like an adult), are you sure you want to sign up for a lifetime of this? Are you owing it all up to wedding planning? Is this terribly out of the norm, or him just being him? I just want to put it bluntly.
Post # 9
@sienna76: Actually this is strange, he’s usually a very caring guy and so sweet!! But you’re right and I have considered the fact that this kind of behavior is something I don’t want to deal with forever. I will have a heart to heart w/him and see that everything will be discussed and hopefully he doesn’t have alarming reasons for behaving this way when it comes to wedding related things. Thank you
Post # 10
@Mlovescake: I wonder if he is stressing because he didn’t realize how much weddings cost? Perhaps you can talk about the “style/feeling” of the kind of wedding he’s thinking of? Then go from there?
Post # 11
Maybe you need to reverse engineer this. Instead of giving him, or you for that matter, the daunting task of having to say what he wants for the wedding, having to building it in his imagination from scratch when he really has not point of reference, let’s look at what he doesn’t like and WHY for clues.
First, what he likes:
– 50+ people at the wedding
– nothing too over the top
Second, what he does NOT like:
– Less than 20 people
– beach wedding
Now, ask him WHY does he not like a beach wedding. What is it about it that bothers him about it? Is it the sand? Is it too hot? Is it too…open of a space? If so, he wants comfort, and cool weather, and something more cozy. This narrows down months you could do your wedding and locations. Maybe something in the spring or fall and in a garden. Then ask him why not less than 20 people? Does he want it to be a party but not too out of control? OK, then you know what size venue/room you need.
See how you get closer and closer to what you can both agree on if you chip away at it? You both need the patience to have this kind of conversation. Try it.
You might also put it in terms of what his favorite parties were that he attended and get clues and ideas from that. What was the best time he had, or what was his favorite place he ever traveled to? What kind of food is his favorite?
I agree with PP’s that if you can’t discuss these types of things and he is so resistant, it is something to recognize in your relationship and fix. There will ALWAYS be bills and pressures. You still need to be able to function as a couple in the face of those pressures. Hang in there and keep us posted! Good luck!
Post # 12
@Cornflakegirl: Great job explaining it out in detail!
I hope she tries it and let’s us know how it went!
Post # 13
this sort of happened to me. eventually, i came to realize that my husband had a hard time visualizing things until they were literally placed in front of his face. the idea of a candy bar seemed crazy to him, but when i started showing him the containers with specific colored candy in them, he loved it. he wasn’t sold on the verterra plates i suggested, until i ordered a sample and he could actually see how beautiful they were. show don’t tell!
Post # 14
UPDATE: Thanks for all your replies bees!! I got together with him last night and discussed our options, and FI said that he really wants a catholic church wedding, so we will get started on that for now. As of now I’ve decided it’s best to take baby steps towards a common goal, and work on coming to decisions together on certain aspects of the wedding and putting it all together at the end.
@Cornflakegirl: I will take the approach you suggested and start to narrow options down as we go along.
@thesaurus rex: I think this will also work and it’s a great idea. He wasn’t to happy w/the idea of strassed shoes from pictures I showed him. When I actually started working on them and showed him in person he admitted they looked better than he had expected and loved them!