What to do about FI's relationship with his parents?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

You’re right to address this before you walk down the aisle – because no matter how much you love your fiance, if you marry into this situation as-is, you’re essentially going to be stuck with all of the toxic crap too.

My initial guess is that he was raised by a narcissistic mother and en enabling father (in those cases, the father sometimes ‘joins in’ on the abuse). The kid grows up feeling worthy of that kind of treatment – it’s normal. Defending the parents is also very normal. These are people who gave him the earliest image of himself…and also, to some degree, expected him to be the parent. The best way I can put it? The child becomes the parent. As an adult, your fiance is stuck pacifying the temper tantrums of ‘children’ and trying to keep them happy, though he’ll never actually accomplish that goal.

He may not go to therapy, but maybe you can. It could give you better answers about this dynamic and maybe give you the tools you need to minimize its impact on both you and your fiance. But, there are no guarantees.

Your fiance always says he’ll do something – but doesn’t. He gets mad about their behavior – but either justifies it or accepts it. Think long and hard about this, as it’s unlikely to change…

And you’re right that someday these people will be the grandparents of children you may have. If anything, I would solidify your stance on when and under what circumstances you would expose your children to these people…with your fiance before you have any.

I do wish you the best – this is a very difficult situation for everyone.

Post # 4
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Zyllem:  he will be taking your children to visit mom–consider that. The fact that he justifes her abuse is a huge red flag. All wedding stuff would be on hold until he has some couneling

Post # 5
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

His dog was killed and that’s not enough to spur him to cut off contact?!!?!?

OMFG. If someone killed my pet i’d be LIVID! Holy crap! 

You got to nip this in the bud now.  Esp if you’re going to have kids.  There’s no way i’d let my kids anywhere near those people!

Post # 6
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@MrsVandykins:  + 1

FI’s step-father killed his dog? Tried to strangle his sister?? OMG! Please, please get him to break off contact with his toxic Mum and her husband! 

Post # 7
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Zyllem:  It’s pretty clear that you can count on this being your life if you marry into this family. Think long and hard about that. You cannot change people and you cannot change anyone’s point of view. 

Also, like other mentioned, grandchildren. I would not allow my kids to be around people like that.

Post # 8
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

First of all…his stepfather seriously KILLED his dog?  How did this happen?  And how does he excuse that behaviour?

I’m sorry but I don’t know if I could continue a relationship with someone who was willing to have these people in their lives.  I don’t know how you do it.  I realize that he’s a victim of abuse, but something has to make him see the light, and if strangling a sister and killing a dog aren’t bad enough for that, I’m afraid nothing will be and you’ll be stuck with this shit in your life forever.

Have you had serious talks about what it’s also doing to you?  Perhaps he would think about it harder if he knew what he was putting you through everytime he let her into his life.

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