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It's been a little over 2 weeks since our wedding and I am midway through my thank you notes :)
I'm not sure what to do about 4 couples that attended our wedding but didn't give us a gift or a card. The problem is that I'm not sure all of these people intentionally didn't give us a wedding gift. They may have handed us a card that we lost by the end of the wedding, or maybe they just forgot to put it in our card box at the reception. I just have trouble believing that these people (who are my husband's close friends) would actually not get us anything.
So I'm thinking of writing them thank yous just for coming to the wedding. At least then they will know that we didn't receive their gift if they did get us one, and it might gently remind them to send their gift if they had forgotten to give it to us at the wedding.
Is this a good idea?
Send a card and thank them for coming. No one's required to give gifts, after all.
Send them a thank you card for coming to the wedding. If something was misplaced it is their place to ask you if you lost it rather than assuming they brought something. People do not HAVE to bring a gift, so that may also be the case.
I wouldn't worry about it... yet. I had several people at my wedding that I thought would get us something but yet, we didn't have anything. I had the exact same reaction as you - did we misplace them? Within the next month or so, we received gifts from almost all of them. Some of them hadn't purchased the gift yet, one couple forgot to bring the card to the wedding, another couple personally handed us the gift when we went to their house for dinner, etc. Give it some time for gifts to trickle in. Unless you have reason to believe gifts were handled in such a way they were misplaced, chances are they just haven't gotten it to you yet. If I remember corectly, I think I received my last wedding gift at least 6 months out!
I know that they don't have to give gifts, and I would only be thanking them for coming if I write them thank you notes. My husband just thinks its uncharacteristic of these friends of his to not give a wedding gift, which is why I'm a bit worried they might have been lost at the reception.
Anyways, good to know that it is appropriate to write a thank you note just for coming.
@PumpkinSpiceChai: Thanks for the advice! I guess it would be best to wait a couple months to send the thank you in case they are still planning on sending a gift.
I wouldn't wait to send the thank-you's. They may have chosen not to give you a gift or they may have just forgot or are still planning to get you something in the next few weeks. We had two people (a neighbor and my husband's boss) that didn't give us gifts. I sent them thank-you's and thanked them for coming...about a week later we received gifts from both. Both said they had forgotten.
We had LOTS of guests not give us gifts or cards at all but I am planning to send thank yous to all of them for at least thanking them for coming.....but secretly I wish they had gotten me gifts! :-)
I would definitely wait...we had gifts come in 9 months past our wedding. And I have to cop to procrastinating on the gift giving front when I was a wedding guest a few times, too
What's funny is that this week's Miss Manners is on this exact topic. She says to not send a thank you to folks who did not send a gift. If you do, they may see it as soliciting for a gift. And that as hosts, you aren't responsible for thanking guests for coming to your event. The guest is actually the one who is supposed to thank the host for a delightful time.
That's just my awful summary - here's a link to the actual article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=25448001
Interesting article. I hadn't really thought about the fact that they might see it as soliciting for a gift. But I think I will still send thank you cards anyways. I'll wait a while in case they are still going to send gifts, but I really do feel like there was a possibility the gifts were lost. Maybe I will wait a couple of weeks and then send the thank you.
I'm so glad Miss Manners agrees with me! We had a lot of people not give us gifts at the wedding, and we didn't send them a thank you card. They were mostly close friends, but hadn't been to many weddings so may not have known the etiquette.
This is a touchy subject here on wedding bee, the issue of sending thank you's to everyone, and griping about missing gifts. But anyway, you should of course send a thank you note if you feel like it. I don't think that your gifts got lost at the wedding, I think they probably just didn't get you anything. This has been the case this year with me and a few of my friends who also had weddings. It's more likely that they didn't think they needed to get you anything than that a staff member or guest at your wedding stole any cards or gifts, I think.
@chocolatemalt: I suppose they may just not have gotten us anything. But it was kind of chaotic when we left the reception, we just had some friends empty out the card box into a plastic bag and put it in their car. I can see how a card or two could have gotten lost.
Also a couple of people gave gifts to us directly or sent them to our hotel room the morning of the wedding and the day after. I think I packed up most of these gifts, but everything was so rushed that its possible they were missplaced.
I just think that sending a thank you just for coming doesn't do any harm, and if we did lose their gift, then at least they wont think we were being rude by not sending a thank you for it!
Same thing happened to us. Except I know that a few of them intentionally didn't give a gift. We sent a thank you anyway, as much as it pained me. The ones that didn't do it intentionally actually contacted my family to apologize for the mistake and sent a card later. Your best bet is to send the card and see what happens.
I'm in a similar position. We've been married almost 8 weeks and we have quite a few guests who didn't give a gift. Even though many of you say a gift isn't necessary, I find it EXTREMELY rude to go to a wedding and not give SOMETHING. Heck, I go to a friend's house for cocktails and never show up empty handed. I even send a gift when I'm unable to attend a wedding. I think it is important to acknowledge a friend's/family member's wedding...even if with a very modest gift.
My husband and I have decided to wait at least 6 months before we send a general, "thanks for coming to the wedding". Then again, after reading this article, maybe I won't since it is looked upon as asking for gifts!
Do these guests socialize with a lot of other guests? Maybe if word gets out to them that everyone else has gotten a thank you from you, that will either spur them to actually give you the gift they are planning/waiting to give you, or to make sure you received the gift they thought they gave you, without looking like you're soliciting gifts.
I'm planning on sending thank-yous to people who attend but didn't give a gift pretty much as soon as the wedding is over (attendance in itself IS a gift, people!)--mostly to make sure I can get it out of the way.
If they do get you a gift later on, then send another one. No one's ever complained about receiving two thank-you notes.
@Jenny I totally agree with you. I sent all thank-you's within a few weeks, even to those two who didn't give a gift. Like you said, attendance IS a gift. I don't understand how somebody couldn't send a thank-you to somebody after a wedding to thank them for coming! After those two got the thank-you's, we were surprised with gifts from them. I sent them both another thank-you. :)
Etiquette is so important to me that I'm fairly resistant to even thinking about people who come to a wedding without a gift, let alone the people who did it at my wedding. I've got it on my to-do list to write a brief note thanking them for coming, especially the ones who traveled a long distance to be at the wedding, but it's way at the bottom of the list, to put it one way. People who gave gifts have received their thank-yous much faster.
The way I was raised, though, the best "revenge" is to be the better person, so I do want to write the thank-you notes in part to cause people to remember that manners exist. And, of course, to sincerely express gratitude that they took the time to come to the wedding - again, especially those who had to travel.
it's been one month since our wedding, and we received gifts from only about 15 of the 100 guests at our wedding, mostly delivered from our registry prior to the wedding. the reception was a blur, and i'm not even sure if a table was designated for gifts, but at the end of the night someone had put a small stack of gift bags and cards in our cabin (we got married on a ranch) ... of course we told guests that gifts were unnecessary, but i'm still a bit surprised that virtually none of our friends did so much as bring a card! the gifts we received were from family and family friends.. even of our 10 person wedding party, we received gifts from only 3 of them. i don't care gifts per se, but the thought would have been really nice. we did get one card sans gift, and i adored it.
what i'm starting to wonder (but trying to not think about) is that perhaps something (someone?) at the wedding reception got the best of a few things. there certainly isn't a graceful way to ask our "wedding coordinator" (who was TERRIBLE, we found her online, and she had no idea what she was doing) if maybe she knows if something happened? i don't want to point fingers, but i'm starting to wonder if there was a mix-up...
for the record, we didn't have any showers, and our engagement party was a surprise we announced at a dinner party we threw... so there weren't prior gifting opportunities. and we made a point to make the wedding as financially comfortable as possible for our wedding party and friends that helped out... we paid for their lodgings and let them choose their own bridesmaids / groomsmen clothes, as well as rented housing for our friends' band that played the reception and our friend that served as officiant. we even paid the airfare for another friend not involved in the wedding party so that he could come. he didn't even say thanks, let alone bring a card.
kinda bummed out.
I will be sending a TY that says something along the lines of "Thank you so much for sharing our special day with us. We are so glad that you could come."
@EmEv: PROPER ETIQUETTE IS TO SEND YOUR GUESTS THANK YOU CARDS FOR JOINING YOU ON YOUR HAPPY DAY OR IF YOU PERFER A THANK YOU CALL WILL DO HOWEVER A CARDS IS MORE FORMAL AND LIKE OTHER POSTS REad
Gifts are always great, but that is not the reason you have a wedding with guests in the first place. They should never be expected, but they are nice!
I don't really like all of this etiquette talk about gift-giving. I know that traditionally for American weddings, gifts are not required and it's not "proper" to tell people where you are registered. But I think that a wedding is a special day for the bride and groom to start a new life. It should only be right that the people they love the most help send them off. Weddings are expensive and I know that polite brides will say that gifts don't matter and they probably mean it, but let's be real for a minute. People don't (usually) invite guest to solicit gifts; they invite people they want there. Bride and groom or family pay big $$$ to throw a lavish party for guest to enjoy and be apart of a momentous event. How hard is it to send a card and blender to show your support?
Anyway, maybe it is because I'm Vietnamese and we don't register for gifts, because the only gift the bride and groom get are red envelopes filled with money to help pay for their wedding plus extra for a honeymoon. Typically, money is given based off what the per person price is. And this money also covers their children who can't afford a gift. For example: At my cousin's wedding, my parents gave $500 to cover the cost of my parents, my brother & me. And no, we are not wealthy to be giving money like this. For friends of family, they also give money, but maybe not as much. Like I said, we aren't wealthy and we don't expect people to shell out big $$ for us, but are relieved that some relatives will. It helps cushion the finances. And my fiance and I also give cash for friend's wedding. Call it tacky or not proper, but it helps right?
I hope we can start rewriting these "rules" and do what feels best. If you want to write a note, go for it and don't feel you have to justify anything.
1. It's ok if they didn't give gifts. ( I know you know this and wrote it in the first place, but some of the follow ups have been confusing.)
2. Writing a thank you for attending is totally awesome.
3. Just an old story, I wrote to a couple who came to my Bat Mitzvah and thanked them for coming--it was so good to see them.
They called as soon as they got it and freaked out since they had gotten me a gift--a necklace in a card envelope. I did receive it, but they forgot to sign it!
So, in the end, I found out that gift was from them, and several others who attended (which was really meaningful for me) and didn't give gifts (their presence was a present, after all) still got cards thanking them for making the trek out to see me and support me.
All around it turned out well, so, yes, I think it's a fabulous idea to thank them for coming. :)
I have one couple who's actually a partner at my firm that came to the wedding and did not get us a gift. And like you, I realize that they don't HAVE to get us something. But I also find it hard to believe they didn't even get us at least a card and wonder if it got misplaced since there was a bit of a cardbox mixup at the beginning of the wedding.
So I plan to just write thank you for coming!
We'll be sending out thank you notes to guests who give gifts... that's generally how we always do it. Any brides send out thank you notes for wedding gifts given before the wedding (i.e. wedding is out of town, so a few guests already sent us a check/gift to avoid having to travel with it)? I want to wait, because we plan on getting cute thank you cards done - with the two of us on our wedding day holding a thank you sign.
@Violachap: I recommend getting started on your thank you notes as soon as gifts start to arrive. You'll feel so much better to have some out of the way after the wedding. That said, it probably depends on how many guests you've invited to the wedding... I had to write over 100 thank you notes and was very glad I had some completed beforehand.
I just joined so I could add my statistics since these boards were so helpful when I was planning (especially when I was worried about how many would actually come -- FYI it was 50%, which was even fewer than RSVP-ed yes). Then after my wedding, I found this board and was comforted to see that many people had my experience with receiving gifts. I have to say, I was surprised!
I was surprised by two things: by the number of people who did not give a card or gift, and by the amazing generosity of the people who did give. We received almost everything we hoped for, and we were truly embarrassed by many people's generosity. I usually give in the $50 range because that is what I can afford. But the majority of our guests gave between $150 and $250. Thank you, everyone! We also got several gifts that were monetarily small, but which meant a lot to us because of the people and the meaning behind them. We love everything we got, and it goes to show you that a $20 gift can be very memorable!
So like everyone else here, I am hurt not by the lack of "stuff", but by the lack of thought. Especially in a few cases. Here is my experience a few weeks after the wedding. When I list numbers, it is based on the invitations, not the number of people:
Guests who came: 27 gave something, 9 did not
Of those who came and did not give, 3 really should not have -- we would have been embarrassed. Their coming was a huge gift. The remaining 6, well, I was surprised, but I'm over it. One said she was mailing something, but I'm not holding my breath. Another was a close relative who says it's on the way (but she sort of complains about it....we didn't bring it up!)
Of those who did not come: 11 gave something, 24 did not
Here is where I get upset. Of those who did not come and did not give -- even a phone call, e-mail or card -- there are a few who really hurt our feelings by overlooking this big deal in our lives. One aunt and uncle. Many of our friends to whom we have given thoughtfully in recent years. My fiance's parents' "best friends" (my parents' best friends were absolutely gushing at our wedding, and they are truly like family to me....maybe it's different in my husband's family). Some friends who have seen my husband experience some pretty crappy life circumstances, which he magnificently overcame, and to whom we gave GENEROUSLY at their weddings within the past year. And they're very wealthy. It bugs me because I get defensive over my husband, who is AMAZING. He deserves better, and these friends have always been takers when it comes to him. But his other friends who came are wonderful, wonderful people, and their presence was the best gift we got.
Other things to know: 2 gifts came a couple weeks after the wedding (I think his mom's Christmas letter reminded them), and there are also those 2 that are "on the way." So they do dribble in. We might see a couple more. I personally like sending gifts after the fact so that I can write how much I enjoyed the wedding. And now I know, as the bride, that it's fun to get a few more visits from the UPS man when you think it's over!
At first, I was surprised, a little shocked by at least a couple people. Not in every case--we know some people's circumstances prohibit them, and maybe they are embarrassed about not being able to give substantially so they don't even send a card because they feel bad. I get it. I was pretty angry about a couple of people's rudeness. But a few weeks later, I'm totally over it.
I am going to send thank-yous to those who came and did not give, to thank them for coming. I will wait until the holidays are over.
to resurrect this topic, i think it's a bit ridiculous to send a thank you to a guest at your wedding when they haven't given you a gift (UNLESS you're trying to gently remind them). They should be thanking YOU in that case. You invited them to a delicious dinner, unlimited drinks and evening of entertainment on your bill. When i've had people over for dinner, they've sent me thank yous for being a gracious host. I can't imagine sending cards out to thank people for coming over.
When you're invited to a wedding, you bring a gift. No ifs, ands, or buts. Maybe things are different outside of the east coast, but if you've chosen to attend a wedding, you most definitely bring a gift. Would you go to a friend's house for dinner without bringing a bottle of wine, or some dessert? No, i hope not!
It's the same premise. If you were going out to dinner you'd have to pay the bill, why would you attend a wedding, drink unlimited drinks, eat great food, and not bring a gift? That's crazy.
This topic makes me livid! Attending a wedding and not giving a gift is extremely rude. If you're that down and out, stay home and make up some excuse as to why you can't go, and then send the newleyweds a nice card acknowledging their new marriage.
Couples send out save the dates and invites almost a year before the wedding, if you can't put aside $5 a week to get them something decent, then really, just don't go. the couple will understand.
@Heidigm221: I live on the east coast. There is no rule that you have to bring a gift. Should you bring a gift? Yes. Do you have to? No. If my friend who was down and out, couldn't afford to give a gift I sure as hell wouldn't want her to lie to me and stay home all because of a stupid gift. I wouldn't understand. I would be mad that she thought I was so materialistic. That I wouldn't want her there because she didn't get me a toaster.
I don't agree - if any of my guests didn't attend because they could not afford a gift, even a $5 one, I would have been very upset. Having our loved ones there meant more than any gift. I would rather have them there with us. And also, we had our wedding because we wanted to celebrate our union, if we couldn't afford it, we wouldn't have had the wedding that we had.
a gift is a symbol of the affection you feel for someone, to commemorate an occasion the same goes for a newly married couple. I understand that you feel it's ok to attend a wedding or any event without giving a gift, i however feel it's really rude.
As i said, weddings are planned way way in advance and if someone can't plan to save up for a small gift, then they should not attend. UNLESS there are extrenuating circumstances where the person does not ever go out to eat, does not ever buy shoes or shop or get their hair done or have cable or can't pay their rent and live with their parents... that's different and in that case of COURSE the couple would understand. My husband's friend is exactly in that situation and we begged him to come and told him not to get us a gift, yet he managed to get us a small token of his appreciation for us a couple.
As always, everyone's entitled to their own opinion but i was taught that if you're invited somewhere, dinner at a friend's, a simple wedding or a grand extravaganza, you bring something to show gratitude for the hosts. If said hosts are a new couple embarking upon a new life together, what a lovely time to give them a token Arriving empty handed or not sending something modest after is just unacceptable. Sheesh a homemade paper mache picture frame shows that you care!
@Heidigm221:Seriously? A couple can only go to a wedding without a gift if they NEVER dine out or NEVER buy shoes (man would that go over well in the office). For a couple embarking on a new life together maybe they should focus instead on how many people come to support and celebrate with them and count that as a gift in and of itself.
@gcwest: it's just an opinion, i certainly didn't think it would ruffle so many feathers!
It takes nothing but time to whip up something inexpensive that's heartfelt and personal, something to show just a touch of appreciation for all of the time and effort the couple has put into hosting this beautiful event and in honor of their new union. The couple who spared no detail to make sure you had a great time celebrating with them. If you can't bring a small bag of their favorite coffee, a pair of movie tickets, a framed picture of you and the couple.. I actually got a really cool gift, a cousin of mine who is a single mom and a teacher put together a recipe book. She used construction paper and color pencils to write up 20 of her favorite recipes, and bounded them with ribbon. ABSOLUTELY adorable. It cost her nothing, but she gave us something that was thoughtful in honor of our wedding.
I mean.. it's absolutely your choice! I'm sure you've attended weddings without giving a gift and that's totally fine, I just have never met anyone that was so defensive about bringing a gift to a wedding.
i certainly wouldn't even go to a friend's house for a casual dinner without bringing a cookie or two... SUPER interesting to see everyone's take on this. Thanks!!
I personally can't imagine attending a wedding and not bringing a gift and a card. However, I understand that it's not a requirement. If someone attends our wedding in June and doesn't give us anything, they will still be receiving a thank you card from us for sharing in our day.
What traditional etiquette actually has to say on this subject is as follows:
Honestly, I would send a thank you card for coming! At least for me, I know that travel will be involved for everyone so I will be sending thank you's regardless of a gift! I would have never thought it was a .... way to get a gift not given!
@Heidigm221: I'm rather curious now... What inspired you to (seemingly randomly) resurrect this topic?
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