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Thats really really tricky.
I guess if i was in your shoes I would approch fiance and say that this ring is a really special symbol of your love, and while it's gorgeous- you really don't feel like it suits you. Explain that you'd like to have to have the two of you visit a jeweler and have it restyled so that it's perfect like your relationship.
I would also speak about this with your fiance, and perhaps explain to him that it's a wonderful ring and that you are very grateful that his parent bought it, but that it's difficult for you to consider it an engagement ring since he had nothing to do with the purchase!
Tell him that every time they go on about how wonderful the ring is and why they chose it, you can't help but feel that it has nothing to do with your relationship or your promise to marry, but that it's becoming in your head a very nice souvenir from Costa Rica.
Perhaps this will make him realise that he should have chosen the ring himself in the first place. As you said you have very simple preferences, you can probably buy another one (together maybe?) without spending too much, and use the other ring as normal jewelry.
Would you like it more if it was white gold? If so you could always get it rhodium plated by a jeweler and tell your fiance's parents that you're more comfortable with it that color as it matches your other jewelry (assuming that you wear silver/white gold jewelry).... that way you could keep the setting & stone/s the same :) less likely to hurt any feelings than a total reset/restyle of the e ring
@aprilsixteenth: do you have an idea of how much that would be to do that? Thats a great idea because that way everyone would be happy.
@Lexsy: this is also i wonderful idea, I think I need to sit him down and talk to him and I think if I use so of what you said then maybe it won't be so hurtful.
Thanks so much everyone!!!
his parents picked it out? was he there, or was it just them? that seems a little strange. if he picked it out and loved it, i would worry about hurting his feelings, but not if his parents did.
That's a bummer. I second trying to get it rhodium plated...that would be a nice compromise. Could you post a pic for us to see? :)
@Lexsy: GREAT advice!
Usually when people come here explaining that they do not like their e-ring, they are met with responses like, "It's the symbol of it that matters!" or "You should appreciate it as a thoughtful gift chosen by your FI" but... that doesn't really apply here! Sure, your man asked for your hand in marriage, but he didn't get that ring for you. It really has no significance related to him and the engagement between the two of you, as neither of you had anything to do with acquiring it.
And frankly, I agree with Kitzy. Cultural differences, whatever they may be, aside, I think it's more than a little strange for his parents to completely pick out (and pay for? I'm assuming?) their son's engagement ring. Well, I hope the discussion goes okay and that you end up with a ring that represents you and your FI!
Yes, can we see it? If you like the stone(s) in teh e-ring then your solution is really simple, just have it reset in a few years. Just use an excuse that it was too big and banged into things all the time.
In the meanwhile pick out a wedding band that you love and can wear by itself.
@TRM: I'm from Australia so not sure what the pricing would be like where you are! It's something that pretty much any jeweler should be able to do though... I don't think it would cost more than $200 in Aus? But it would be MUCH cheaper than a total reset I'm guessing
@TRM: I'm not sure about rhodium plating a yellow gold ring...it might still come out with a yellow tinge. :-( Then it will look like...a pale yellow gold ring (which means not a very high gold content) or a very worn white gold ring (as if the rhodium has faded). I assume they make white gold as white as possible with zinc/nickel because simply rhodium plating doesn't get rid of all the yellow. But I have honestly never asked.
It costs less than $50 (usually) to get a white gold ring cleaned and re-rhodium plated, so I don't see why it would be any more expensive than that. The jeweler may caution you though and I would definitely take their advice into account. Once you plate it, I doubt it will be possible to go back.
My FI proposed with his grandmother's ring and we had it reset, repaired and rhodium plated and it looks gorgeous. It's the same ring underneath, with the exception of the setting holding the diamonds, and we were able to save the excess gold, but it was about $400 to do all of that. Here's the before:
And the after:
Oh, and just to respond to the rhodium plating and reversibility. The jeweler that rhodium plated mine (which you can see, looks just like white gold and doesn't have a yellow tint to it) told me that you can always take it off later if you decide you like the yellow better.
@RingAroundtheRosie: Good to know! I didn't know if you had to like...file it off and then it would be tough to get around the prongs or what. Perhaps its electroplated. Neat!
@Mewcakes: Yeah, I'm not sure how they do it! I was surprised when she said they could easily remove it later... I guess it comes off over time anyway so... oh well. Thank God there are people out there who know what they're doing. hahaha I'd be so lost!
@TRM: I totally feel for you...
My FI proposed with a ring his grandmother gave him, and although the diamond is beautiful the setting it was in was not my style...at all...it didn't even really look like an engagement ring. (I can share pics if you wish) I felt like a horrible person because one of the first thoughts that came to my mind after he proposed was "OMG, I can't believe I have to wear this thing..." Luckily, he very quickly suggested getting it reset. It was a bit nervewracking preparing to talk to his grandmother and ask for her blessing to get it reset, but it was totally worth it. Even though we're waiting to announce our engagement until we have my new and improved ring (which is driving me a bit nuts, waiting and all), I am so glad I admitted to him that the ring wasn't my style.
I think you've got some great suggestions here in this thread. If you like the setting, I'd go for the rhodium plating, and if not, I think you can gracefully explain your desire to get the ring reset without hurting anyones feelings. Yes, the ring is a symbol of your love and that's what counts, but gosh darn it, you should love your e-ring and never want to take it off your finger!
Keep us posted!
It sounds to me like his parents pressured him a little. It does seem strange to me that they picked it out. I think he would understand if you talk to him about it. Talking to his parents about it is where it will probably get a little more tricky.
I totally agree with some of the other comments on here! Cultural differences aside, you have to love your e-ring and not want to change a thing about it. If you hate it now, you will always hate it and regret not talking to them about it.
Good luck with everything!
@TRM: I would get the wedding band of your choice, and wear that after youre married.. like a 2 carat eternity ring, or something that you love which makes you smile :) Most people wear only the wedding bands after they marry so perhaps this may work for you without making any drama. I'm sorry it sucks for you but maybe this way could work?
@NorthernLights: That is a great idea! Kind of purposely get a w-band that doesn't go with the engagement ring, that way she wouldn't have to wear it all the time. Then maybe she could only wear the e-ring when she sees her in-laws.
She did say she didn't want something big or flashy though so I don't know how a 2 carat eternity band would be, that's pretty big! But yea, look for something that doesn't really go with the e-ring. It might not be the best way of dealing with the situation but at least no ones feelings will get hurt and you'll be happy!
@NorthernLights: "most people only wear the bands after they marry"...may i ask where you are from? that is definitely not the norm here....
@Mrs. Meowerson: Im from north america. I know many ladies who wear both and many ladies (my mom, cousins, friends, aunts) wear just the band, esp if they arent going out to a celebration.
A friend of mine has a e-ring about 4 carats, and its beautiful.. soon after she married she just started wearing her eternity wedding band only.
hm weird.... im in the states and i don't think i've ever known anyone who stopped wearing their engagement rings after their wedding. then again, a 4ct ring may weigh you down some!! lol
I would not recommend having yellow gold rhodium plated. When the rhodium wears off, and it will wear off, the ring will look terrible. In fact, a lot of jewelers won't do it, because it's frowned on and considered unethical. It would be different if you were thinking about doing it to a ring that would only be worn occasionally so the wear was minimal, but this is a e-ring that will be worn all the time.
Talk to your FI about having the diamonds reset into another setting. You could tell your future inlaws that the setting was too high, and you were worried you would damage it and lose the stones. Then you could sell the gold to buyer and recoup some of the costs of changing the setting.
Just go to a wedding band after the wedding, that way you don't have to keep wearing the engagement ring because you're "married." Not all women choose to wear the engagement ring after they get married. :)
@Loribeth: Why is considered unethical? I had it done without a problem. I understand it will have to be replated here and there, but I don't see anything ethically wrong with rhodium plating a ring.
i have a white-gold ring and to get it dipped in rhodium, it was only around $40. but since the ring itself is white to begin with, maybe there's not as much rhodium as would be needed for yellow gold. i dunno. but i also would be interested to know why it's frowned upon to dip yellow gold in rhodium.
If nothing else, pick a wedding ring that you really really love that resembles the engagement ring you wanted and put the engagement ring somewhere for 'safe keeping and special occasions' If you pick a fairly simple wedding ring I'm sure noone could object and see it as an obvious swap!
Why do guys do this to us???? That's terrible that he's put you in the position in the first place! You are going to have to wear it forever, not him. I would talk to him about it and tell him honestly. i would express that you don't want to hurt him, nor to seem ungrateful. He's put you in the position of having to tell him. I said to my FI " I love you, and I want to feel the same way about the ring. I want a ring that reflects the love that we share'' I told him right away, because I knew I couldn't spend the rest of our live together wearing a ring that didn't reflect that. I know this is hard because I did it. At first he said he was a little hurt, but understood. He got over it and we picked one we both love!
Something to think about: I thought to myself, there are many difficult things that we will have to over come in our marriage together. I love this person, and if I can't even tell him about the ring....how do I expect us to last forever?
I really hope this helps, and I'm really sorry to hear about the stressful situation you're dealing with.
Take care :)
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So I have to start by saying that I’m white and my fiancé is Costa Rican, and I’m really not sure how Spanish families are. I know a little about how spanish families are but when it comes to something like this. So here it is, his parents got my engagement ring in Costa Rica but I hate it. His parents ask me all the time if I like the ring and they tell me all this stuff about it but frankly, I just don’t like it. Its gold and I don’t have one piece of jewelry that is gold, I hate gold. I’m a really simple girl and its just way to big I bang it on everything. I had an idea that the proposal was coming so I sent my fiancé an email of a ring that I loved and was simple and cheap but for some reason he let his parents pick it out. And another bad thing is it’s from CR and its not like I can just go back to jewelry store and try to get something else. But I’m asking for help on how to tell my fiancé and his parents that I just don’t like it? And advice on what to do.