Post # 1
Hello. I have been with my fiancee for 2.5 years, known him for almost 4 years. I have a child from a previous relationship, he has a child from a previous marriage, and we have one together. We have been having problems with his daughter, she was diagnoses ADD and oppostitional defiant disorder, it has taken its toll but we are wroking through it with counseling. We got engaged in 11/07. Wedding was originally set for 08-08-09 but pushed back due to money reasons, now 4-10-2010. My question is this, he swears up and down he loves me and wants t marry me, have a life and everything, but he basically doesn’t even speak to me any more. He wont talk to me about anything except the kids, or meaningless work details. I try to talk to him and he claims I am imagining the distance between us, and sears he loves me and is not cheating. he refuses to talk about anything for the wedding, saying its my day I can decide everything. But I am starting to feel like I am living with a stranger, I swear he talks to the neighbors more than he talks to me. Everything I do or say seems to make him mad. Does he not want to get married, and just doesn’t know how to tell me? He does not want to put the wedding off supposedly. Another thing, he was married for 6 years before and knew it was doomed and only stayed for his daughter, which he swears up and down he would never never do again, a miserable marriage is not good for the kids, etc. I jsut don’t know how to read any of this…I love him so much and I am torn between just going for it and throwing myself into planning the wedding and taking him at his words, or trusting my gut that there is something seriously wrong here…HELP!
Post # 3
Trust your gut. It is always right, and in this case you aren’t happy, and that is a problem itself. Please go see someone. Here on Wedding Bee you can reach out for compassion, support, understanding. And you’ll get it here (from me and others), but first some advice. A professional can give you the tools you need to fix your relationship. There are kids involved here, so just giving up isn’t an option. I would put planning on hold and ask him to see someone with you. If he refuses to go, then go alone, and let him know the door is always open for him to join. Children with behavioral disorders can be incredibly difficult for a marriage. But they are also the kids who need stable family lives the most.
Now, ((HUGS)). God, what a tough thing. You must feel so frustrated and isolated in this. We all deserve partners and it sounds like he is just shutting down on you. Do you have other adult relationships for support? Siblings, friends, coworkers? If you aren’t getting the support you need from your Fiance, you need to get it from somewhere. Before starting therapy, which I have done at different times in my life, I like to open a journal and just write it all out. You end up with pages and pages of everything that is wrong. But then you have this book, with what you need to fix. It is manageable and I always feel more in control of my feelings and my circumstances.
Post # 4
my dear, follow your gut. Even if there is no problem with him cheating (which I hope he’s not so if there is no evidence of it, don’t jump to that conclusion), there seems to be a problem with communication. Try to express to him how you are feeling and that it’s important that he take it seriously how what is happening (with communication and wedding issues) is affecting you. See if he’ll go see a counselor with you (specifically about your relationship), or perhaps see if he’s willing to read a book on communication between couples. Men and women communicate and understand things differently.
Also, I don’t know how long your relationship has been like this, but perhaps he might be really exhausted from work and raising his special needs daughter. It’s important to address these things than ignore it and hope it goes away- especially since marriage is the goal and there are children involved.
Couples can get into a deep rut after some time and not feel like they have to make an effort to communicate and connect. When you talk to hijm about it, don’t bring up a million reasons why he’s not into the relationship, give him time to express himself, don’t be accusatory, and ask him ahead of time when a good time would be to talk- when the kids aren’t around and you’re both in a good mood.
In addition to all of this, PRAY!!
Post # 5
Just like these wise women have told you, trust your gut. There is something wrong. The question is, what is wrong? Could he be suffering from depression? Regardless, you need to know this situation will not get better after a wedding. Things need to change. I think you are going to have to be strong and just tell him you are not going to live like this. Counseling is your best option at this point.
You deserve to have a man who can’t wait to marry you! You deserve to have a man who tells you daily he loves you and how special you are. You deserve that and so much more. Don’t settle for less. Hugs. Francie
Post # 6
I don’t really have anything else to add, except some *HUGS*. I hope everything works out for the better.
Post # 7
Darling, I can’t add anything else either but some ((HUGS)) as well.
We’re hitting a rough patch too, and I’ve explained that a wedding is not going to fix things. We need to be fixed before the wedding. He refuses to push back the wedding, but recently got to the point where he didn’t want to talk to me/see me that he asked me to move out. I did, he realized what he did was wrong, and is begging me to move back in. Right now, I’m in the same boat as you. Is it over for us?
Let’s hope not, and work through this and be strong together.
Post # 8
I just wanted to add, I think it sounds like you are both under a lot of stress, he maybe even more so than you. Stress can be very damaging to relationships….I think you could both benefit from counseling, together and separtely. You can also try doing something to relax him…..it sounds so corny but really, try taking him through guided imagery or something, tell him to just humor you. As for him not wanting to talk wedding…..well, I think that because he’s so stressed he just doesn’t want to deal with it and figures you have more interest in it than he does….
Anyways, don’t just give up. It doesn’t sound to me like your relatinoship is unsalvagable, it’s just going through a rough patch.
Post # 9
Awwww, Bratsy, (HUGS), is it possible he is just not an affectionate person? Has he always felt sort of on the distant side or reluctant to express his feelings? I find that even guys who are usually non-affectionate are more affectionate during the courting phase, then it tapers off. Don’t know what to say, except I highly suggest you look into this further before making any life-changing decisions. Best of Luck -ETP
Post # 10
You said you are already in counseling for the stress surrounding raising a special needs child, right? That is a positive thing – since that resource is already available to you I would definitely bring it up to your counselor.
I think it’s hard to tell without knowing this person. Sometimes men do clam up when they are stressed or preparing for a major life change like marriage. It isn’t necessarily a negative thing. On the other hand, if you’re feeling concerned you need to address it. Best of luck!!
Post # 11
Thank you for all your advice and support. We talked and he really does not think he is doing anything wrong, and that I am over reacting to the whole thing. He said that he is tired and exhausted from trying to deal with his daughter, and I explained that I can understand that, but I am dealing with her too and we are supposed to be a family and in this together. He said he can try a little harder to talk and open up, and that he takes me for granted with the fact that he thinks if he does just ignore me I am still fine and still know he loves me. It has been less tense around here for the past couple of days, but he still isn’t really talking to me all that much. I am hpoing that given a little more time I will see improvement but he has said all this before. We have been having a version of this conversation on and off for a year now, so I am only going to believe it when I see it. I love him and I want to be a family and make this work, I just cannot be the only one in the relationship that is trying at all.
Post # 12
Just sending you a hug. I’m so sorry for the tough time but am glad that you guys talked! Hopefully things WILL get better for you. It’s a compromise, really, when you think about it….women want and need to talk about things that trouble them — men, not as much. So if you two can meet in the middle on your expectations here, I think that will go a long way toward making things better in your relationship.
I wish you all the best and remember, the Hive is here for you!