(Closed) what to do… (long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Is there someone you can talk to, either by yourself or together?  Maybe a counselor or priest, if you are comfortable talking through your issues with a religious person.  You have a lot on your plate so discussing how you’re feeling with someone outside of your immediate circle might help.

I went through some times where I just wanted to wedding to be over.  We were engaged for almost 2 years, so it gets to be a long period of time with lots of stress!

We moved to the Bay Area 2 years ago and I still don’t feel like we fit in.  We’re hoping to move next year, but we’re trying to make the best of it!  It is a great place…just takes some getting used to I guess!

Post # 4
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

That’s a tough question. Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer it.

My question to you would be WHY do you want to get married and why to HIM?

I’m not the kind of person who believes in "the one" you’re "supposed" to be with. I believe that a well-rounded adult can be happy in a relationship with many different people. If you broke it off now, it would hurt, but you would find love again eventually.

I am with Mr. Bunny because I love him, yes, but also because I know he will make a good husband and father and because I am ready to be married. We have a good working relationship, we push each other to be better people, we share our faith and have similar dreams and goals for our lives. All of these are great reasons for us to get married to each other right now.

I have struggled a lot with depression and anxiety and it sounds like the feelings you’re experiencing now might have more to do with your move and all the changes you’re going through than your relationship with your FI.

I suggest you take a step back and look at your emotions objectively. Just because you’re not feeling happy and in love doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with your relationship. Many people go through life looking for someone who will make them happy, but no one is going to make you happy all the time. People just aren’t made that way!

Seeing a counselor or therapist could help you figure out why you’re feeling the way you feel. In my case, my grandfather had just passed away and I was thrown headlong into some mild depression and extreme anxiety. Seeing a counselor for several months to talk things out and getting on low-dose meds did wonders for me. It’s easy to blame feeling bad on the person you’re with when in fact it might have nothing to do with him or her at all. Those reasons I gave for marrying Mr. Bunny are what I remind myself of whenever I start trying to do to blame my anxiety on our relationship.

On the other hand, as I said, I think that if you decide the right thing is to break things off, or even just postpone to get a better sense of where your relationship is headed, it’s not the end of the world.

I would urge you to consider your reasons for getting married and base your decision on that, not on your feelings.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

*HUGS* In all honesty it’s really hard to give advice when I don’t know you personally BUT I will try. From the sounds of things you’re going through a major life transition. Not only have you moved to a completely new area, you’re also getting married, finished school and looking to make one of the biggest financial decisions in your life – so I assume that this is a really stressful time in your life. My perspective on your situation is that you’re at all these cross roads trying to make sense of it all..all the while second guessing your situation. I think that when things start to calm down you’ll stop second guessing your decisions. Ultimately you should do what feels right – but making any big decision now on your relationship might not be the best idea.

I hope everything works out!

Post # 6
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry.  You do have a lot going on.  It’s hard to know where to start.  I guess I can throw some things out there and see if anything sticks.

It could be that all of the stress and changes are just keeping you from enjoying this time.  (And rather causing you to see the wedding as another life changer.)  It sounds like (based on how you’ve described your conversation) that your Fi is a pretty understanding guy.  That’s really good.  And yes, if you’ve been together for four years, the newness has probably worn off.  But that doesn’t mean that’s bad.  Keep in mind any one you marry, will go through an experience of newness wearing off.

Now that you have your new career starting, are you feeling more independent?  Are you concerned that you might not want to take another person or family into consideration when conemplating a job, where to live, etc?  How did you come to live where you are now?  You don’t know many ppl.  You don’t prefer the burbs to the city.  Was this a joint decision or was it based on his career, etc?

What are you expecting out of a relationship?  You said, "I guess my personality is to try to make things better or improve things all the time."  So if that’s so, have you tried making things better and improving things in your relationship?  This is important stuff in relationships.  The newness does wear off, and keeping things exciting, starts to require you to actually make an effort to make things better and improve things.  When it’s new, things just happen without effort.  It’s effortlessly exciting.  You effortlessly forgive each other.  You effortlessly have something to talk about.  You effortlessly, get butterflies in your stomach thinking about each other.  That stuff will wear off eventually.  If you are simply expecting that the relationship should feel as passionate after four years, as when you first started dating, then that isn’t trying to make things better.  After four years, you have to work for the passion.

So what is it about your Fi?  What do you love about him?  If he’s not the one for you, what about him makes him, not the one?  (This is rhetorical.  Just stuff to think about .)

Maybe you take a few days away from your Fi.  Not a "we’re on a break" kind of set up.  Just clear your head, allow yourself to experience being without him.

Post # 7
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

MsBunny’s post hit the mark.  What about your FI made you want to marry him in the first place.  Or maybe first, write down what you are looking for in a husband and what you are looking for in life right now and in the future.  Are you really looking to get married right now or do you have other ideas in mind?  If you have other ideas in mind, does he some how fit into those ideas?  If you are looking to get married, does he have the qualities that you are looking for in a husband?  

Although most people suggested you take some time to yourself to clear your head, in addition I would also suggest the two of you going on a mini-trip together for the weekend.  This would allow you to spend time together and see if everything that once was there still is.  Do you enjoy being in his company for the weekend or would you rather had just stayed home? 

Also, get out and do some things on your own.  SF has a lot of things going on so go enjoy things that would interest you.  After doing something you enjoy, do you find you wish he had been there to enjoy it with you?  

I find often that there are certain things I enjoy doing by myself (like shopping) because my FI doesn’t like doing those things, but I also find that there are times when I am by myself that I wish he were with me because I would enjoy it more.  Like going for a walk with our dogs, or a walk in general because the conversation is great. 

Also MsBunny pointed out that you need to base your decision on your reasons for getting married, not your feelings. 

Remember too like everyone else said, if you decided to postpone or forgo the wedding it’s okay!  
 

Post # 8
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

First off, I just want to say that I totally understand all of the major life changes that you have/are going through.  I graduated from law school, took the bar exam, waited for results, got engaged, got sworn in and began planning my wedding all within 6 months!!! It’s a TOTALLY HECTIC time in your life and understandably, you are taking some time to look around at your life (for the first time in 3 years!!) and reasses a bit.  This is normal.  While in law school you have no time to examine your lifestyle and what you really want out of life – you’re just doing your best to keep your head above water, do well in school and occasionally have some fun!

Regarding your husband, I think it is strange that he said you might be expecting too much from the relationship…what do you think he means by this??  I think relationships (with anyone) prosper from high expectations.  

No matter what is going on, if you are having reservations or second thoughts about this life commitment – I think it is okay to take some time for yourself to sort things out.  I know this must be hard for you and your FI…but it is SO much better to sort these feelings out before the wedding than after.  It really is okay to postpone – don’t let the wedding hype push you into a life commitment that you aren’t 100% behind.  Listen to your "gut"…it’s usually a pretty accurate compass!

Post # 9
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’d suggest reading ‘The Conscious Bride’, I found it very helpful to sort out similar feelings I was having a few years ago. Good luck – these are not easy decisions so don’t rush them, and look after yourself!

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