(Closed) What to do re: diamond documentation + conflict

posted 5 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow…that’s a whole lotta stuff there!

Welcome to the hive, I hope you like the community!

The conflict free diamond is a real and relevant thing, which is why there’s such a thriving market for them…that being said, diamonds don’t have a monopoly on oppression and if a person was 100% committed to only purchasing/using things that had been requisitioned with ZERO suffering on the part of another living being, they should just become vegan and Amish…seriously.

I put your priorities and values in the number spot for you, and while I think it’s important for a couple to be on the same page, maybe in your FI’s book, getting a ring he could afford, that he liked so that he could marry you was higher on his list than buying conflict free…but it was still on the list….

I liken this to a couple where one of them is a vegetarian, and the other isn’t…what are they supposed to do?  Should the vegetarian expect the omnivore to spontaneously change?  Or vice versa?  Certainly not, they’re both aware and accepting of the other’s ideals, but respectful of their choices just the same.

That being said, if this is a HUGE DEAL BREAKER for you, and every time you look at your hand you are going to inwardly cringe because the stone was not conflict free…you should say so, gently…but tread lightly, or you might make him feel like he failed.

Post # 4
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 1997

It sounds like you need to get another ring.  You’re uncomfortable with your ering on so many levels, so be honest and return/sell the ring you have now and get another one that feels good physically and mentally! You are going to have the ring forever, so make sure you love it.

Post # 5
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Honestly, your ring is out of the return policy window at this point, which means you could either sell it yourself at a huge loss, keep it and reset the stone, or keep it and get a new ring entirely.

If the store where your FI bought the ring has an “upgrade” policy, they will buy the ring back at retail cost, but you usually have to spend a significantly larger amount on the “upgrade” ring than the trade-in ring to get the deal. However, if that’s an option it may be worth looking into if the jeweler offers certified conflict free stones.

Had you been able to return the ring, I’d have encouraged you to do it ASAP and get something you love, like a lab stone or a Canadian (conflict-free) diamond in a more comfortable setting. At this point, however, I would just reset your diamond and/or look into maybe buying yourself a moissanite ring. It would be a really hard pill for me to swallow if I bought something expensive for someone and they turned around and sold it for a fraction of what I spent…it just seems like a waste. 

Also, I wouldn’t be too angry with him. I don’t think he is trying to pull one over on you, or that he avoided getting you a conflict free stone to save money. He would’ve probably saved money if he bought you a moissanite and could have purchased a Canadian diamond for around the same price he paid for the ring he ended up buying, most likely. It sounds like he had no idea that it was so important to you – or maybe he is clueless about blood diamonds in general. 

Having an upfront conversation about your beliefs is probably the best thing to do. I’d advise telling him your stance on the situation and you two will decide where to take it from there.

Post # 6
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@littletop:  Good for you for being so caring! Yay! ๐Ÿ™‚ Of course I don’t really know how hurt your FI would be by this, but as PP said, it’s kind of like being vegan. If my FI brought home some kind of candy with gelatin (which has happened!) I would politely decline it, even though the thought was very sweet. Obvi this is not the same stakes with an e-ring but I think you should do just what you suggested if your FI wouldn’t be too upset: Sell it and donate the money to a charity. then, buy a manmade gemstone and setting that won’t irritate your fingers. Not to sound harsh, but he shouldn’t be too surprised if he has been with you for YEARS to know your feelings on this kind of thing …

Post # 7
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it depends on how strongly you feel about it.

It will always hurt a little that you don’t have a conflict-free diamond and that he didn’t take the time to think of your beliefs when he bought it.

For me – there will always be a little sting when I think that my sister picked out my ring when I told FI many many times that the only thing that really mattered to me was that he picked it out. But after being engaged for a year – whatever. I love my ring to death and it’s a part of me. Sometimes I daydream of a better diamond (mine is from Zales and doesn’t have a certificate either) but it’s no more significant than if I’m daydreaming about owning a luxury car. It’s just a daydream.

You asked: “I hear that at some point some people don’t even remember details about their ring, did anyone here find that to be true?” And the answer is yes, but only if the details are insignificant in the end. At the end of the day – who cares if my diamond has a little yellow to it? Nobody. Those sorts of concerns fade.

Other posters are using the vegan analogy. If you were the type of vegan that would eat some of a homemade (with eggs) cake that someone made you for your birthday, since it’s a special occasion and they put all that work into it and those eggs have already been bought and used and there’s nothing you can do about it at this point – if you could be that type of vegan, then you can probably learn to live with this diamond.

But if this is such a passion of yours that it makes you sick to see that stone everyday – you will probably not get over that.

Post # 8
Member
9063 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Roughly 4% of the world’s diamonds are “conflict diamonds.” I admire your passion to keep conflict diamonds out of your life, but the damage has been done. The diamond has already been mined, cut and polished, set in metal and on your finger. The vegan analogy works fabulously here — Giving it back isn’t going to make it “less conflicted”, it will simply go to somebody else. Maybe you can keep it and turn it into a heirloom diamond one day to relieve it of its “damaging” background, if it does indeed prove to be conflicted?

Most reputible jewelers and metalsmiths do not purchase conflict diamonds. Not every jeweler will have banners and neon signs saying, “We don’t buy naughty diamonds from bad people!” It seems to be standard practice and assumed since, well, it does look good on them.

I don’t know what my diamond is. I ran into some trouble with Brilliant Earth when I inquired about one of their settings. They told me that unless I could prove my diamond’s origins (Which they would not take any documentation from Blue Nile), they refused to do business with me. While I understand their background, it was poor business sense, especially if it was a heirloom diamond.

Russia “recently” found a goldmine of diamonds. This outcropping of diamonds contain more diamonds that have ever been mined since the dawn of time, and they estimate that it can supply the world with diamonds for the next 3,000 years.

Also, while Africa is primarily the diamond mine of choice, Canada and Australia produce an incredible amount of diamonds that feed most of North America.

There is a huge chance that your diamond is perfectly fine and conflict free, with or without documentation. There will always be the risk that it is a blood or conflict diamond, but unless you don’t know… I’d assume the best and not the worst.

Post # 9
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

If you’re worried about where your diamond comes from, I would avoid stones originating from Africa altogether.  Even with the Kimberly Process the “United Nations and the U.S. government found that an estimated 23 million U.S. dollars’ worth of diamonds from Côte D’Ivoire may have been smuggled into the legitimate trade. ”  (National Geographic)  This is one of the many reasons I chose a moissanite, but if you really prefer a diamond, I would look for ones originating from Canada.

Post # 10
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2002

I think it would depend on how you think your FI will react. Call your friend, the one who he went shopping with, and ask her opinion. Would he freak out if you suggested getting a different ring?

If so, then Id probably just wear it as is. I know that will not be the most popular answer on here, as alot of bees seem to be in the “I want what I want, and Ill get it no matter what!” category. But marriage is a compromise, and a ring is a symbol of the promise to be there no matter what. For better OR for worse.

Now maybe he wont care at all. My husband wouldnt. I could take my ring to him tomorrow and say, “I dont like this!” and he’d say, “Whatever, then go get one you like!” Hes just mellow like that.

It doesnt sound like your FI intentionally tried to get a diamond you wouldnt like, in fact it seems to be that tried his man brain hardest to find something youd like. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Kudos for bringing along your friend. Do you see him in the ring? Sometimes my husband will get me stuff thats so not me but so “him” that I have to laugh. And then it makes me love it, because I love him, imperfections and all. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Post # 11
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I understand why this bothers you. Keep in mind that the gold is more likely to come from a conflict/blood source than the diamond due to the lack of any Kimberly Process type of protection in the precious metal mining industry. Because of your career, I’m sure you know all about those African platinum miners that have recently been in the news.

I’m not saying that therefore you can’t in good conscience wear precious metal nor precious gems… only to see it in context. We can’t do everything perfectly, or even live in the first world without harming those in the third world in countless ways. The world is set up such that that would be literally impossible. Everything we do has a footprint. We can only try to reduce our footprint however we reasonably can, and make peace with the fact that it’s not perfect.

It’s good you think about this and care about your fellow men and women around the world. But you have to go on living life. I wouldn’t recommend letting this get between you and your future husband… he only meant well. Get the band corrected so it doesn’t hurt your pinky finger, wear this ring as a symbol of his love, and later on be sure to tell him that you’re “not much of a jewelry person” which will direct future gift attempts from him in another direction.

Post # 12
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Hyperventilate:  This is pretty completely off the subject but I never understood the argument “the damage is already done.” My mom says this to me (eg there is already meat in the grocery store or at the restaurant pre-prepared, etc., so you’re not doing anything productive in not eating it!!). Be the change you want to see, or ain’t nothing ever going to change!!

Post # 14
Member
9063 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@wrkbrk:  Well, think of it this way.

Say the diamond is a conflict diamond. I totally, 100% support people who disagree with this, so, lets say that said conflict diamond is taken back to the jeweler. “I don’t want a conflicted diamond, I want an ethical trade diamond.”

Okay, cool. The jeweler takes back the diamond and (ideally) gives you a conflict free diamond or gives you the setting & refunds the purchase price of the diamond so you can buy your own.

So, you are now the owner of a setting without a diamond, and you go hunting for a diamond on your own.

Now, in an ideal world, people not buying conflict diamonds would mean less conflict diamonds (No demand = No need for supply. Simple economics.) However, this diamond has been purchased. Not by you (anymore), but by the jeweler.

It isn’t like the jeweler can send it back to whence it came, have it deposited back in the earth and everyone is happy so it can be ethically mined in the future.

The damage is done. The diamond has been mined in a conflicted environment and it has been sold. The diamond will not just hang around the jewelers til the end of time — they’ll resell it. Stick it in another ring, a pendant, earrings, whatever. At the end of the day, a conflicted diamond will be sold whether you buy it, buy it and return it, or simply not buy at all.

While you may not appreciate the term, the damage has been done the moment the diamond was in the hands of a jeweler.

Does it make more sense now?

Post # 15
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Hyperventilate:  Yes, I understand what you’re saying. I guess the question is just do you want to be a part of it or not. Besides the demand/supply point, there is also the education point. If she gets an ethical stone, presumably she will tell people about it, etc. … Thanks for clarifying!

Post # 16
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@littletop:  Haha that’s awesome! ๐Ÿ™‚ Well good luck whatever you decide to do. I agree with pp that is really just comes down to how strongly you feel about this one particular issue. There are lots of things I care about but not all equally!!

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