What to do regarding FFIL & FMIL? (advice needed)

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: What should we do? (can choose multiple)
    FI should say that, if I'm excluded from convo, I cannot be a topic of the conversation : (10 votes)
    25 %
    FI should end any convo w/family saying negative things abt me (unless they change topics) : (17 votes)
    43 %
    FI should encourage his family to bring up any issues w/me directly : (4 votes)
    10 %
    FI should phase parents back out of his/our life until they're less angry/negative : (9 votes)
    23 %
    other described below : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    3769 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    The way I see it is there are really only 2 options, one or both of these should be done-

    1. Your husband needs to tell them talking about you when you are there is off the table.  The arguing needs to stop or he is leaving.

    2. Schedule a family meeting and see if having an honest to god converstaion and clearig the air would help.

    I have issues with one of my ILs and at this point after years of drama we are getting closer to the point of number 2 happening so everyone can get past the drama, or that part of the family won’t have a relationship with me and my children. Until everything is out there everything you do is going to fuel drama, they will see bad in anything. But at the same time some people will never get past their problems even if you do attempt to talk it out. Good luck with this one, it is something I too have struggled with for a long time. I hope you can work everyhing out:)

    Post # 4
    4513 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Umm your FI needs to stop entertaining this completely, even if that means that he has to stop talking to his parents. He should defend you and put an end to it. If they don’t listen and continue on then that should be it.

    If my parents had unreasonable issues with my FI then I wouldn’t stand for it. I would try to fix things, but if they were irrational and didn’t stop then I wouldn’t talk to them. Unless they had a really good reason for their feelings then they would never win if it came down to my FI or them. Never.

    Post # 6
    292 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @Shkragoldfish:  Aaahh, I’ve been dealing with and still deal with similar issue with my FILs…(see http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/korean-american-bride-to-be-with-many-fil-conflicts-very-long-vent).

    My FILs disliked me (and then hated me) from the beginning, when FH and I were just dating. Their “reason” to dislike me in the beginning was because I’m too short. Then their list grew (too short, not an ivy league grad, not earning enough, not pretty, etc etc), and they openly expressed this to my FH every time he visited or called.  They constantly told my FH that they would be “happier” if FH broke up with me and met another woman.  They never said anything like that to my face while we were dating, when FH and I would visit them together, but FMIL was very passive aggressive to me (she wouldn’t even offer me a drink or ask me to have a seat – she would just suddenly disappear and do her own thing or talk to others except me and treat me like a ghost).

    FH actually did the first three options you put out the entire time we were dating.  He let his parents know that he will not attend any events unless I am invited, that he will not tolerate any negativity towards me, that while he is willing to listen to their advice and vents, it is ultimately his decision to make how to live his life and who to spend the rest of his life with.

    That did not sit well with the FILs. (They are the type of parents who believe that a child should essentially obey his parents, and complete obedience is the only proof of “respect”.)

    What started out as a parents nit-picking about their precious son’s not-good-enough-girlfriend snowballed into a huge family fights and issue. FMIL started screaming at FH, FH started yelling as well, FFIL began threatening FH to disown him, etc.

    No visit or phone call went smoothly – it always ended up in yelling and screaming. FSIL would join in and send nasty emails to FH as well.

    We were hoping that things would turn around after we got engaged, but it actually got worse.  FILs said nasty things not only about FH in front of me (which I consider it as them spitting on their own faces – it’s their own son!!), but also about me and my family.

    After that incident, FH ended up taking the last option you listed in your post.  He cut off all communication with his family, stopped replying to emails, stopped calling back for voicemails since May of this year.  

    Though we do feel guilty from time to time, our lives have been so much better since he stopped communicating.  No more yelling, no more swearing, no more craziness – no more unnecessary stress.

    We are, however, trying to have the FILs still come to the wedding.  We are hoping that they have given up by now (haha) and that they will be more compliant now that the date is set and invitations are out.

    But if, by any chance, they start creating the crazy turmoil again, we are ready to keep them away from our lives again.

    Post # 8
    292 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @Shkragoldfish:  Wow, how weird is it that such crazy in-law culture overflows into different countries? My FILs are exactly the same – they think no matter what they have done/said, in the end their son should be calling just because they are the “adult” and he is the “child”. FMIL even said that she needs to move in with the FH to “reeducate” him. For god’s sake, he is 31 and has been living by himself and supporting himself for a decade!

    People have told me also that FILs will come around once a baby is born, but i feel exactly the same as you regarding such solution. All I can anticipate is that they will start criticizing me and my husband about our way of raising our children. Plus, why would I want to interact my child with people who has disrespected and ill-treated me as a person? I don’t understand how the FILs plan on recovering themselves – I’m sure they dont think they have done anything wrong, and will look at me as if I’m the crazy one when I start showing my reluctance to interact with them, especially when they cannot understand why their own son refuses to talk to them. 🙁




    Post # 10
    292 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @Shkragoldfish:  haha. When my FH asks his parents about what they are expecting him to learn, they list a bunch of ancient Korean traditions that practically no one does anymore, even in Korea. Some of the things FMIL told FH as an expectation of the “daughter in-law’s duty” (funny, since she doesn’t accept me as a DIL but lays out a list of to-dos as one), FMIL herself doesn’t do as a DIL herself.

    FH and I have decided that we will listen to their vents through one ear and let them all go through out the other and not store anything in our brains or keep anything to heart – especially the hurtful, mean ones.  

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