- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Short version: FFIL and FMIL are mad at FI & me for no reason and try to talk bad about me at family “mtgs” I’m excluded from and to my FI, what should we do? (some ideas are below. any advice welcome, but just fyi- killing them w/kindness won’t work- already did that & they smelled weakness & started treating me/us very poorly and unfairly. I will be civil if they ever talk to me or see me of course.)
Full version: A few months after we got engaged, they stopped talking to FI and I for a few months for no reason and have been angry at all kinds of made-up things ever since. We last saw them in May on good terms- we were hanging out, all was well, but then sometime over the next cpl of weeks (when absolutely nothing happened), they lost it, got angry, and stopped talking to us.
FI let other family members know that he did not want to have a relationship with his parents if they’d continue getting mad at him/us and dramatic for no reason. His family wants FI and his parents talking regardless. They think FI should keep turning the other cheek to his parents unrelenting and unfounded anger.
His parents recently started talking to FI again, but it seems they only want to yell at him and say bad things about me. He doesn’t want to listen to it. I’ve done nothing to FFIL and FMIL at all (maybe I was too nice to them).
They now bring me up as a topic of group conversation (that I’m excluded from) or convos with my FI to talk about: (1) their negative opinions of my relationship with my parents (which FMIL & FFIL know nothing about- it’s a good relationship); (2) their disappointment that I didn’t call them when they weren’t talking to us and somehow magically fix the problems between FI and his parents (even tho they’ve had problems for years, no family member has been able to fix them, and they exclude me from any convo abt the problems); and (3) to say I’ve done rude/negative things to them that they know I simply haven’t done. They get mad at hearing my name & start spouting off negativity.
Since they re-started talking to my FI, he’s in long, loud convos with his parents (who are just yelling & angry & unreasonable), then in long, loud convos with other relatives (who tell him to just “take it”), and then debriefing all of that negativity with me. We both liked his parents’ silent treatment much better. Now, I’m trying to be proactive and re-develop some boundaries, so we don’t let them disrespect me and so I don’t end up disliking them or resenting them in the long term.
What should we do?: FI wants to do whatever works best for me. So far, I’ve thought of:
- FI letting everyone know in advance of any group convos (they schedule meetings to discuss FI and his parents as a group) that I can’t be a topic if I’m excluded from the conversation.
- Let his parents and family know that, if they say negative things about me, he’s not interested in that conversation, so he’ll have to end it and they can let him know when they’re ready to talk about something else and leave me out of it.
- Cut off conversation about me when I’m not there/welcome, but let his parents and family know that they’re welcome to bring their concerns up with me directly.
- That he probably needs to stop talking to his parents again until they agree to try to stop yelling and they aren’t just angry at him/us for no reason.
What do you think we should do? (your experience and suggestions are welcome- thank you)
Edited to make it shorter