What to do, what to do

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

It really is up to you. Do you feel like that letter was her cutting the cord with you? If so, then I would just cut my losses and move on. If she was just trying to justify why she felt like she couldn’t be your BM, then I would still invite her if you still want her there. If you don’t, then don’t feel obligated to invite her.

Honestly, she sounds like a friend I used to have. I was with her through everything including 2 suicide attempts, a nervous breakdown, and the aftermath (more suicide thoughts and nervous breakdowns) after going through an abortion she never told me about. Then one day when I finally speak up about something that I wasn’t happy about, all the sudden I’ve become a cold hearted b****. I haven’t talked to her since.

Ultimately, it’s how you feel about her and whether or not you still want her to help celebrate your big day.

Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I feel like it sounds as though she already made the choice for you. She isn’t involved in your life and as she said… you have drifted apart. I would thank her for her honesty and not invite her. 

Post # 5
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

I am getting a slightly different vibe on this, that maybe it’s more a jealousy thing on her part that you have grown up, met your Mr. wonderful, and are proceeding down a path that she clearly wants to with this guy she is hung up on but likely never will. Maybe she just cannot bear to stand by and see another person achieve in love what she has been unable to herself. 

So, I would say allow her the option to decline the BM role for the reasons she stated, but invite her as a guest. If she still doesn’t come, then perhaps it is time to cut yourself free and move on. Friendship (like marriage) is a two-way street, and if after all you have been through together, if after standing by her through her darkest hours doesn’t earn you the right to rely on her support for a change to be there for your biggest day even by simple attendance as a guest, then maybe cutting ties is the right thing to do.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, with these actions, I don’t understand why it is a question at all.  I know being in the situation clouds it up, and your past friendship is making you second-guess it, but she made her feelings very clear.  She doesn’t consider you to be a good friend, and she doesn’t have any interest in perpetuating the friendship.  Cut your losses, move on, and focuses on people who do value you and want you in their lives.

Post # 7
Member
2830 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

She made this easy for you. As a PP said, thank her for her honesty. Maybe share one or two quick happy memories from your friendship. Don’t invite her. And move on. Everybody’s not meant to make the journey with you. And whatever you do, please PLEASE free yourself from any guilt that you may start to feel. She’s an adult and this is how she chose to act. All actions have consequences. And the consequence for her action (if I were you) would be that she does not continue to have access to your inner circle. 

Post # 8
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissOct2013:  I would invite her. She hasn’t rejected you as a friend. She has just said that she isn’t comfortable being bridesmaid. She’s interstate, so she’ll only come if she can afford it and really wants to. So invite her. If she doesn’t come – no loss. If she does come – it means you still mean something to her.

Post # 9
Member
6274 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MissOct2013:  you stood by her side through the hardships many years ago.  she moved away and you drifted apart.  you said she doesn’t let you know when she is in town, so that is a sign right there that your friendship isn’t what it used to be.

i don’t know why it took her 2 months to get back to you, but that is also another sign that she isn’t in the same place you are about your friendship.

that being said, do you want her at your wedding?  invite her.  let her decide if she is going to come or not.

Post # 10
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@paula1248:  

Well said. I agree.

Post # 11
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MissOct2013:  honestly the way you wrote out your interpretation of the letter from her, I got the impression that she didn’t want to be at the wedding at all and possibly cut ties as friends.  Perhaps your friend just can’t be happy for you with the other issues she has going on.  As selfish as that sounds it’s probably for the best she not be up their with you if she can’t be supportive. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.   Unless you have a strong reason you feel you want her there, I wouldn’t invite her

 

Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@paula1248:  I kinda get what you’re saying but when I read your post my initial thought was ‘playing games’. I as a bride don’t want to 1)be unsure if I mean something or not to a guest I’m in inviting. I should know I do. 2) this just sounds like a test, and one where if you stake any feelings on, someone is bound to get hurt. If OP invites her and she doesnt make the effort, that’s even more heartbreak. I don’t know, it just made me think that invites are relationship tests and I don’t believe that’s what a wedding should be used for. 

Post # 13
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding.

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