Post # 1
Ok so here it is in a nutshell….I asked my long time best friend (from gradeschool) to be a bridesmaid in my wedding (i had always wanted her to be my MOH but she moved and figured it would be too much on her). We used to be inseprable up until she moved out of state to take a job. We kept in touch for the most part, but she would never let me know when she was coming to town so we could catch up. Anyways i asked to to be a bridesmaid by sending her a cute little card. I didn’t hear anything back for 2 months then I get a card back, thinking she said yes, only to read a 3 paragraph card explaining to me why exactly she doesn’t feel like being apart of my big day. She goes on telling me that she doesn’t know anything about my wedding or hasn’t even met my guy. If she would have returned my calls and my texts and let me know when she was in town all of this would have been different. She goes on to tell me that we really arent best friends like i thought and that we drifted apart. Said that i would make a beautiful bride but she didn’t feel like she could stand next to me on my wedding day.
So since then we barely talk at all, i was very hurt, and upset because i stood beside her for such a long time throught alot of hurtful things. She tried to kill herself 2 weeks after the death of my 17 month old niece. She continued to talk about killing herself because of the deadbeat boy she was dating. But i stood by herside taking care of her, talking her through things, like a best friend does. Then she gets pregnant and decides to have an abortion and even though i am against it i stood by her side, held her hand, took the blows of the protesters at the clinic and everything. But now she doesn’t know if she is able to stand there next to me?
And to top all that off anytime she does reach out to me its over the same boy she tried to kill herself over, the one that got her pregnant and told her to get an abortion, the one she has been apart from for 2 years now. Asking me if its alright to think about him every now and then. I’m still trying to be a good friend and be there for her but I don’t know what else to do.
So my question for you is do i still invite her to my wedding? Or do i just cut my losses and move on?
Post # 3
It really is up to you. Do you feel like that letter was her cutting the cord with you? If so, then I would just cut my losses and move on. If she was just trying to justify why she felt like she couldn’t be your BM, then I would still invite her if you still want her there. If you don’t, then don’t feel obligated to invite her.
Honestly, she sounds like a friend I used to have. I was with her through everything including 2 suicide attempts, a nervous breakdown, and the aftermath (more suicide thoughts and nervous breakdowns) after going through an abortion she never told me about. Then one day when I finally speak up about something that I wasn’t happy about, all the sudden I’ve become a cold hearted b****. I haven’t talked to her since.
Ultimately, it’s how you feel about her and whether or not you still want her to help celebrate your big day.
Post # 4
I feel like it sounds as though she already made the choice for you. She isn’t involved in your life and as she said… you have drifted apart. I would thank her for her honesty and not invite her.
Post # 5
I am getting a slightly different vibe on this, that maybe it’s more a jealousy thing on her part that you have grown up, met your Mr. wonderful, and are proceeding down a path that she clearly wants to with this guy she is hung up on but likely never will. Maybe she just cannot bear to stand by and see another person achieve in love what she has been unable to herself.
So, I would say allow her the option to decline the BM role for the reasons she stated, but invite her as a guest. If she still doesn’t come, then perhaps it is time to cut yourself free and move on. Friendship (like marriage) is a two-way street, and if after all you have been through together, if after standing by her through her darkest hours doesn’t earn you the right to rely on her support for a change to be there for your biggest day even by simple attendance as a guest, then maybe cutting ties is the right thing to do.
Post # 6
Honestly, with these actions, I don’t understand why it is a question at all. I know being in the situation clouds it up, and your past friendship is making you second-guess it, but she made her feelings very clear. She doesn’t consider you to be a good friend, and she doesn’t have any interest in perpetuating the friendship. Cut your losses, move on, and focuses on people who do value you and want you in their lives.
Post # 7
She made this easy for you. As a PP said, thank her for her honesty. Maybe share one or two quick happy memories from your friendship. Don’t invite her. And move on. Everybody’s not meant to make the journey with you. And whatever you do, please PLEASE free yourself from any guilt that you may start to feel. She’s an adult and this is how she chose to act. All actions have consequences. And the consequence for her action (if I were you) would be that she does not continue to have access to your inner circle.
Post # 8
@MissOct2013: I would invite her. She hasn’t rejected you as a friend. She has just said that she isn’t comfortable being bridesmaid. She’s interstate, so she’ll only come if she can afford it and really wants to. So invite her. If she doesn’t come – no loss. If she does come – it means you still mean something to her.
Post # 9
@MissOct2013: you stood by her side through the hardships many years ago. she moved away and you drifted apart. you said she doesn’t let you know when she is in town, so that is a sign right there that your friendship isn’t what it used to be.
i don’t know why it took her 2 months to get back to you, but that is also another sign that she isn’t in the same place you are about your friendship.
that being said, do you want her at your wedding? invite her. let her decide if she is going to come or not.
Post # 11
@MissOct2013: honestly the way you wrote out your interpretation of the letter from her, I got the impression that she didn’t want to be at the wedding at all and possibly cut ties as friends. Perhaps your friend just can’t be happy for you with the other issues she has going on. As selfish as that sounds it’s probably for the best she not be up their with you if she can’t be supportive. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Unless you have a strong reason you feel you want her there, I wouldn’t invite her
Post # 12
@paula1248: I kinda get what you’re saying but when I read your post my initial thought was ‘playing games’. I as a bride don’t want to 1)be unsure if I mean something or not to a guest I’m in inviting. I should know I do. 2) this just sounds like a test, and one where if you stake any feelings on, someone is bound to get hurt. If OP invites her and she doesnt make the effort, that’s even more heartbreak. I don’t know, it just made me think that invites are relationship tests and I don’t believe that’s what a wedding should be used for.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding.