Post # 1
I would love some advice on what to say to my future psudo step mother in law (she is not married to father in law but practically). We are having an Indian wedding in which I am wearing a traditional red colored silk sari with swarovski crysal embellishment. Step mom in law is white, not Indian, but has been around long enough to know the etiquette. She has recently purchased a silk sari also with swarovski crystals whch I think is inappropriate. How do I approach this with her without sounding bad?? Note: Saris are considered more or less formal based on their embellishments- I showed her prior to her getting hers what the bride and groom outfits were like but I didn’t think she would go get one just as formal. The equivalent would be wearing a floor length ballgown to a wedding that did not call for black-tie attire. Please help! – DG
Post # 3
could you have a talk with your FH and have him tell her?
are close enough to your FFIL to tell him and he can tell her?
or the direct approach of "WOW – that’s a fantastic sari, however, that style is suited more for the bride, and not members of the family – while ithas wonderful embellishments, i think it is too formal . Hey i have agreat idea – why dont we make a girl’s day out of it and we can go shopping together so we can find one more suitable for this occassion?"
or just "let" her wear it -everyone knows YOU and FH are the center of attention anyway???
Post # 4
I’d upgrade mine. I’m probably no help here- good luck!
Post # 5
I would just let her wear it….no one can upstage the bride, regardless of what they are wearing.
Post # 6
maybe you can have your FIL talk to her or have someone else in the family drop a hint to her if she shows her sari off to someone.
Post # 7
make her watch bollywood movies and then casually comment that there is an indian custom where anyone that wears something similar to the bride and groom will be beaten with sticks during the garba raas. Sorry – was that offensive? i was just joking. my FMIL is totally not with the asian thing and we are trying really hard to teach her the tea ceremony so she does not embarass herself. sigh. Just tell her that you don’t want the guests to misunderstand her intentions or bluntly her ignorance on your wedding day and that you are "looking out for her" – if it were me i would be grateful my DIL doesn’t want me to look like a fool. good luck hon!
Post # 8
I think it’s possible she may be genuinley confused. If you showed her your outfits she may have thought she needed something very fancy. I’ve been to a number of south asian weddings and the mothers usually went all out with their best/most lavish jewelry and elegant saris. Trying to dress a way that is not your own cultural norm can be really difficult.
I think no matter how fancy her sari is though you will still outshine…the amount of jewelry and decoration you will have on could never match. If it really bothers, though, I think the only proper thing is to have FIL address the issue.
Post # 9
I have been planning my own Indian wedding, and recently spent 3 weeks in India shopping. I think the embellished saris are sort of on trend right now (they were everywhere and salespeople really pushed them on customers)…even the heavy South Indian silk is being embellished. We ended up buying embellished saris for both my mother and future mother-in-law…simply because they were so gorgeous. But maybe your future-sortof-MIL didn’t realize the snafu she made? I agree with those who said that you will outshine everyone no matter what (especially when wearing all the jewelry, mehndi, etc.) If it really bothers you…just be honest and talk to her about it. Can your FI talk to her for you?
Post # 10
Talk to your fi and see what he can do… maybe she doens’t fully understand the tradition? regardless.. you’ll look way hotter than her and no one will pay attention to her anyway because she isn’t even family yet….
Post # 11
I agree that its entirely possible she didn’t mean to buy the wrong thing – probably she just wanted to look nice, and didn’t understand the significance of all the embellishment. (Is she the kind of person who would buy something with rhinestones or sequins if she was buying a western style fancy outfit?)
If it bothers you, or if you think she will look foolish in front of your other guests, I would try nicely to explain to her what the problem is, and then offer to help her find something more appropriate. I do agree that it doesn’t matter what she wears – you will be the center of attention, as you should be. The only thought people will give to her will be to a) wonder why she is dressed in a sari, for the non-Indian guests, or to b) wonder why she is dressed in such an inappropriate sari, for the Indian guests.
Post # 12
OMG I just say it. She obviously knows what she’s doing (as you’ve shown her the photos and explained it previously) and needs to be set back straight. Maybe start wtih FFIL saying something to break the ice, and then a day later explain to her what she did based on your cultural ceremony is not accepted and tell her the ball gown/not black tie event thing.
She’s non Indian she may "get it" but not be processing it correctly. If she’s doens’t respond to you, I’d let some other Indian members of the family know about her clothing decision and let them tell her on their own time thats it’s highly inappropriate – maybe having several members explain it to her she may get it.
Personally, I think she feels left out being the only non Indian "member" and wants to fit in and is trying too hard to do so. SHe may have been around for a long time and know things about the culture, but it doens’t seem to me that she’s respecting it like she should.
Tell her off 😉 I’ll do it for you – hehehehehe.
Post # 13
Thanks for all your response- It helped me get an idea of what can/should say or not- I think that Sweeney2Be is right on the money. FMIL knows exactly what she is doing as she did it for a cousin’s graduation party last year- she showed up head to toe in a sparkling diamondy sari when the grad girl was in a very pretty, but much simpler one. That was just a grad party- I can only imagine how she will be for my wedding! I should have added that she is generally an upstager- that is her personality- she has more Indian clothes and saris than ANY Indian woman I know (and I know a ton). I’m having a hard time not seeming/being rude to a person who always knowingly let’s things get "lost in translation". Thanks for the FIL suggestions too but he was there (in India) when she picked the sari- he is clueless about this stuff and would say – "it’s fine, don’t worry about it" and has let her upstage others on several occassions in the past. What makes the whole situation sadder is my real MIL tragically passed away 8 years ago and my FH can’t stand step FMIL who tries too hard to take her place.
Post # 14
Good luck! Keep me updated!!!!!
Post # 15
i think u should talk to ur fiance and tell him how you feel about it. then he can talk to his father who will tell the stepmom or your fiancee can tell the stepmom himself if they’re that close. i dont think it’d be appropriate if you got directly involved. she mgiht take it personally and it may cause tension between the 2 of you
Post # 16
Admit it, she does have sequins and rhinestones all over her normal clothes too. And does she have big hair? (Okay, that was catty.) But you have made me feel better about my FMIL, who will wear something totally dowdy, even if we try to take her shopping.