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Given the fact that your mother has a long track record of controlling behavior, you need to sit down with your fiance and discuss the wedding finances. The two of you need to decide exactly what your goals are in terms of wedding planning. Do you want a big, expensive wedding? Or would you be happier with a smaller, more intimate affair? Can the two of you pay for your dream wedding without any financial assistance from your mother? Her behavior is extremely controlling, and if you accept a penny from her you will need to deal with her telling you exactly how it should be spent. You and your fiance need to decide if you would rather take the money and compromise, or pay for the wedding that you want. If the two of you are willing to have (and pay for) a small, intimate wedding, then you can go to your families and tell them the wedding that you want and will be paying for. If they want to have a larger wedding, you can tell them that they can have add additional guests to the guest list if they are (a) wiling to pay for them and (b) not going to question your decisions since you and your fiance were perfectly happy having a small wedding. Anytime that your mother questions your decisions, you can tell her that she is welcome to pull her financial contribution, but that her guest list will also be cut.
How does your fiance feel about this situation? Does he realize how inappropriate your mother's behavior is, and is he also concerned about taking money from her? The two of you will need to work together to manage her after you have children, so it is important that you create a strategy and work together to keep your mother from taking over the planning.
Your marriage is a very scary thing for your mother - she is used to controlling you, and it will be more difficult to do so after you are married.
I say go with your heart you are a grown woman soon to be married do you really need this kind of control for the rest of your life?
if she has financial control may be better going on your own and financing yourself or you will have regrets for the rest of your life you are clearly very unhappy with the venue and it is the most important day of Your Life not hers
just my two cents worth
yes she's your mom and you love her but there comes a point where you need to stand your ground
I'm an only child too, my mother doesn't do this.
I think you know the answer here... she WILL try to control you forever, you have to cut the purse strings at some point. Your upcoming marriage is a great opportunity to take charge of your own life & stand up to her.
I know it's tough to give up the idea of a big wedding, especially if you don't think you can have one on your own. But I think at this point it's your only option (unless you don't mind having "your mother's" wedding). Elope, have a small destination wedding, or the courthouse like Ms Mary Jane... whatever you can afford. Your mom will try to control you no matter what you do, and will fight you every step of the way. But if she doesn't have financial control, she'll have much less power over you.
First I have to ask, is your dad in the picture? Can you talk to him and see if he can talk to your mom? If not, I think you and your fiance need to talk to your mom about this. If she is not willing to give up some control, then you and your fiance may have to figure out a way to pay for the wedding without her help.
Ultimately, you need to talk to your mom about how controlling she is. You don't want to alienate your mom from your life, but unless you start putting your foot down, she is going to continue trying to have control over your life. Let her know you love her and appreciate her opinion and advice but you are an adult and you have to live with the decisions you make, not her.
Goodluck and (((hugs)))
So sorry. You've gotten some good advice so far.
Yeah, you need to figure out what you can afford with your fiance. I would then go to your mom and say that it's more important for you to have XYZ (which is what you can afford on your own), than have an extravagent wedding, that doesn't feel like you, even if it's paid for by her. Hopefully from this, you two can settle down and talk about compromising about some decision. I really don't see her wanting to eliminate some family members to have this wedding. However it might come off as an ultimatum, and anger her. So you have to be ready if she calls your "bluff" You might have to pay for it all yourself. So think about how much better you'll like the wedding you can pay for, compared to the one she can pay for.
Also, as an adult, I think you need to just stand up for yourself. I can understand parental concern for not thinking a neighborhood is safe, or even for conern about where their children drive. But if you are in an apartment, how does she have the authority to make you move? Especially when it causes you to lose money? (It's a little controling for a parent to offer to pay for a child's apartment. Then the child will still be dependent on the parent, and grow acustomed to the better living arrangements than they can afford. Voila, the parents have control!) But I do understand if a parent feels a neighborhood is unafe for their child, and offers. I don't understand how she convinces you to move, when you're the one losing money. Where's the leverage? What ae you afraid will ahppen when you stand up to your mom? What would happen if she had a fit because you didn't call? (Although I don't think cecking in on mom once a week is that bad.)
I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles--what an awful thing to hear as a bride, that it's not your wedding. Of COURSE it's your wedding. It's too bad your mom couldn't get over her controlling issues and recognize that.
Having dealt with a controlling mom for a good portion of my life, I can only advise you to stand firm--very, very firm. It may seem cruel at first, but don't budge, otherwise she'll see that weakness and use it against you. I hate to say it, but I really think the best solution is to do what a few other have suggested: to let go of your mother's financial support. It'll never come without strings, and you don't want to be in a position to owe her anything, especially down the line when you have kids of your own. Maybe you can let her contribute to one thing, like the alcohol or the flowers--but not something as big as the venue.
Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I really, really hope it works out soon. Just remember, it is YOUR wedding. Yours and your fiance's. No one else's.
I think you're right in that your mother's attempts to control you will continue throughout your marriage and for the rest of your life if you allow it! And this will put your marriage at risk if she is always interfering and expecting your primary relationship to be with her instead of your husband. I would suggest putting wedding planning on hold for a month and getting some counseling to figure out how to break these patterns.
When it comes to weddings, money=control over decisions so it may be best not to take any of her money at all. Your wedding may have to be scaled way back, but think of the drama and stress you would be able to avoid!
Wow, lots of good advise. Funny thing about crazy people, they don't think they are crazy. Well to clear a few things up, my father is not in the picture and has not offered any money. The only people who have been offering anything is my grandma and my in-laws.
My finace and I agree that taking her money would mean full control and lots of strings attached. He is really fed up with her. She is now known as the narcissistic control freak in our house.
We know we can afford the venu we wanted. It is only $300 for 9 hours. However, depending on the people who will be there the catering would end up taking our life savings. So we could do it if we had very little people there. My grandma said she would pay for the catering and my dress so if things don't work out with my mom I can always accept her offer.
Other than that, after our fight I have not heard from my mother. She is so stubborn I guarentee that she will not appoligize for her behavior. I'm going to be firm with her this time, because it's not just my day.....it's my fiances day too.
Just wanted to add my support. It sounds like you've got some good people around you (FH, grandma) to help you through this. I can sympathize a tiny bit - my parents eloped so my mom is SUPER into the wedding planning, and our tastes are very different. We've managed to work through it with no major drama thus far, but we've got over a year to get our crazy on!
I agree with everyone here - at some point you have to draw the line and keep her from controlling your life. Good luck!
You have gotten some great advice here, so I just wanted to chime in and add my support.
I would also add that keeping your emotions in check while dealing with her will be really important in getting your point across. I know it will be easy to want to fly off the handle at her (especially when it sounds like she lashes out at you), but remaining calm and composed can only remind her that you ARE an adult and this wedding is YOURS (meaning you and your fiance). Giving her a clear plan for what you two want and how you'll be paying for it yourselves (as well as giving her a number of guests she is allowed to invite) will show her that you mean business. If she can't play nice while contributing to your wedding, then she'll need to understand that you'll be doing it your way without her help (the venue you want, chuppah and all!), and she'll have to play by your rules.
Best of luck! I hope it all works out for you!
The other day I was talking to my mom and wedding stuff came up and she says "Well this is going to be the biggest day of my life". I say "I'm sorry... I'm pretty sure its going to be the biggest day of MY life". Her response "Oh, you know what I mean".
I said something to my dad about it and he explained in that they've raised me and this a chance for them to shower me with love and that they only want the best. When she says its her wedding, she is just saying that this is also a testament to how they've raised you. I agree somewhat. I say smile & bear it and if she offers suggestions say "I'll think about it, but we have a few ideas also"
I think you and mom should try a mediator/therapist/counselor and that you should most definitely plan the wedding you want even if you have to pay for it yourself. A tea or hors d'oeuvres can be just as elegant or more so than a seated dinner or big buffet if that means you will be happy on your wedding day.
good luck let us know how it turned out, I am just curious
hugs and more hugs
I say, if you don't want her input (at least not on a controlling level) then you should try to put for the wedding yourself. Or. Give her a few items. Like if she pays for cake and catering, she gets to chose those things. If you and your fiance pays for venue, then you guys can chose it.
Let her know kindly and gently that it's your wedding and your marriage. That you love her, but she's not the one getting married. It would probably also help to remind her that you love her and want her input, but not her control.
Elope! It's your life, your wedding! As much as moms want to be "there" for their sons/daughters, there comes a point that a mom should just cut the apron strings whether she likes it or not. How else is the child going to learn to become responsible for him/herself?
The trick with mothers is to present her with her worst nightmare - yes, worse than you getting to pick your venue. I've been training my mother for years to expect that her best outcome is getting to mitigate my supposed bad taste, not eliminate it. Whenever I have an even slightly bad idea, I write it down and then call her about it later. It makes her tired of talking me out of them, so when I come up with something even slightly good, she'll say yes because she's trying to encourage me.
Some of the ideas I've proposed (that have been particularly effective):
Jack O'Lantern centerpieces
Gingerbread flavored cake
Getting married while skydiving (my best friend is a skydiving pastor, lol)
Getting married at Sea World in a pool with bridesmaids riding dolphins to the front of the "aisle"
Going on a reality show where the groom's family makes all the decisions and my family just has to show up (she haaaated this, it was awesome. The episode I showed her consisted of a wedding in masquerade).
White Flip-flops with my wedding dress
Insisting that the wedding colors match my college's colors (Orange and Royal Blue)
It's all in the delivery: you just have to sound like you mean it. Good luck!
OMG I think our mothers were separated at birth. I just posted something that began with the exact same sentence! Yeah, I have a very controlling mother. She likes to think she's not, but she is. When I moved out, if I didn't call her at least 2 times a week, I was either dead or upset about something (in her mind).
When I took my parents to the wedding venue, she had a sourpuss on her face the whole time. I think I need to talk to her pre-wedding so I don't have a blow-up with her like you had with your mother at your brunch. If I were you, I would cut your mom out of the planning as much as possible. I know this is sad, but if it's this bad already, it's only going to get worse. Seriously. Enlist the help of your BMs, FMIL (if you guys get along) and only give your mom updates like 'I am doing this and it will cost X'. Don't give her room to be nasty. If she refused to pay, then tell her 'If you don't want to, I understand. I will find a way on my own.'
Good luck! Keep us informed on how things turn out.
So just an update.....My mother and I are still not speaking and she refuses to call me becasue she thinks I need to appoligize. Um? For what? I don't think I did anything wrong. "oh yes mom I'm so sorry I wanted to plan my wedding the way I wanted it....so sorry!" We picked our venue with the help of my grandma and aunt, so that is taken care of and it was our pick not hers. Other than that I've had to cancel our engagement party. It was going to be at my mom's house but that's not happening now. My In-laws and friends are very upset with her for making this more stressful on my fiance and I. We really have not had anytime to enjoy being engaged. It's been fight after fight with her. At this point I'm not even sure I want her at the wedding. I have a feeling she will cause trouble and embarrass me infront of my new family and friends. I'm just not sure what to do....
Well, you do have a year for someone in your family to convince her she needs to apologize. Give her more time. Even if she's stubborn, once she realizes she's totally missing out on the biggest part of your life, she may come around. Weddings do weird things to people.
Seeing as how your mother has always been controlling, I see ZERO reason why this will change now. She's going to control your wedding, you'll be unhappy, and you'll start your marriage off on a sour note.
That being said. I would (and I did) walk away from her money, simply say, "you're not willing to provide or compromise on the wedding my Fi and I want. The wedding is about OUR union and if you cant' support that, then we dont' need your financial support" and make it work between you and your FI.
My parents offered ot pay for a wedding in Jamaica if I did it "their way". The other option (a beautiful plantation house 30 min from MY house) was not an option. So we paid for it ourselves.
She'll try to tell you what dress to get, what colors, etc. The fact that someone else is paying for it doesn't mean ti's worth it. You have to cut the cord somewhere, and this is a good place to start b/c it signifies you and your FI's life choices, not your mother meddling.
If she's always been like this (look i wasn't allowed to cut my hair until i was 16 so i feel you on that one, or drive until i was 17 or date until then, either), nothing will change until you MAKE it change. I started seeing changes in my parents AFTER i was cut from them financially. This means AFTER college. While i was in school, they held it over my head that i wasn't going to be rich b/c i was goign to be an engineer and dad didn't want to help anymore. i said, fine, i'll pay. But, mom wouldn't let him back out on a promise (the promise was if i went to school nearby they'd pay, otherwise i was playing sports for scholarship money and they wnated me to focus on school, not sports). SO, cut the cord. Make your mark of indepednence. that's the only way they "get it". And, when your mom says you gotta do this or that, all you get to say is, "yeah, but we're paying for it, and this is what we want". Done.
I would tell her to keep her money. Honestly it is not worth compromising to suit her every desire. This may be the perfect time to confront the controlling nature of your relationship with your Mom. You should send a clear message to her that you are independent and determined to make your own decisions. I would recommend financing the wedding yourself.
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Hey there,
So I love my mom, but she really has me on my last nerve. I've been engaged for about 4 months now and I've been trying to find a venue for my wedding next year. Money is an issue for myself and my family so I've tried to find the cheapest place I could find. I found two that looked promising. One is more traditional and the other is just plain me......in the middle of no where, but oh so romantic. So I told my mom about both the venues and we planned on visiting one of them together since we got a free brunch out of the deal. Before I went with my mom I took a look at the other venue with my fiance and oh man did we ever fall in love with this place. It was very flexible and so us. After seeing this place I went with my fiance to see the other. It was beautiful outside, lots of landscaping and what not, but the inside was boring and felt like grandmas house. Not what we had imagined for our wedding. So seeing both places, my fiance and I had both made up our minds on what venue we wanted. However, my mother still had not seen both just yet. The next day I went with my mom to the brunch at the boing venue and she freaking fell in love with this place. She thought it would be perfect for us. So I had explanied to her how my fiance and I had looked at this place and the other one the day before. I told her my feelings on both places and she flipped out on me during the brunch.
I told her the reasons I didn't like this place...mostly because it didn't feel like me. Now she is paying for most of this wedding so we ended up having an arguement on who has the final say in what venue, flowers, cake...etc. I told her very calmly that even if she is paying for some of the wedding I should have the final say because it is my wedding and I will have to live with the pictures and what not forever. She then, in a very nasty tone told me that if she is paying for the wedding then she gets to have the final say and that it is "HER" wedding not mine.
I could not believe what I was hearing. How is it her wedding? Why shouldn't I get a say in anything. It doesn't seem fair to me. Oh and I forgot to mention that she has not even seen the place my fiance and I love. I showed her pictures of it, (they really don't do it any justice) and she just mumbled "oh, it looks like stone henge....nothing special." Meh! I'm totally frustrated. I've heard nothing but "you can't." I can't have it outside, I can't have a short dress, I can't have a tent, I can't have a chuppah.....even though my fiance is jewish.
She has been controlling all of my life. I was never allowed to get my hair cut, was forced to keep it super long until I was 18. Not allowed to drive on the highway...too dangerous for a 19 year old. And when I moved out of the house into my first apartment....it was not good enough, bad neighborhood (it really wasn't), so I need to move. She forced me to look at other apartments right after I had just moved into one. I eventually lost $1200 because of that.
So at this point I'm not sure if I should just tell her to keep her money and go with the place that my fiance and I want and have "OUR" wedding. Or if we should let her plan "HER" wedding and just be guests like everyone else.
My biggest fear is that her controlling our wedding will lead her to control our marriage and kids in the future. I'm a grown woman, who still has to call her mother whenever I leave the state. She has a total freaking meltdown when I don't call in a week. I swear she would have me on some missing persons list. I am an only child, and my parents did elope so I'm not sure if any of that is the reasoning behind her behavior. I'm sure it is, but really why make this whole process any more stressful, her and I should be working together not constantly fighting everytime the word wedding is brought up.
Has anyone else had a parent try to take complete control over their wedding??