(Closed) What to do when your mother tells you it’s “HER” wedding not yours? (long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Given the fact that your mother has a long track record of controlling behavior, you need to sit down with your fiance and discuss the wedding finances.   The two of you need to decide exactly what your goals are in terms of wedding planning.  Do you want a big, expensive wedding?  Or would you be happier with a smaller, more intimate affair?  Can the two of you pay for your dream wedding without any financial assistance from your mother?  Her behavior is extremely controlling, and if you accept a penny from her you will need to deal with her telling you exactly how it should be spent.  You and your fiance need to decide if you would rather take the money and compromise, or pay for the wedding that you want.  If the two of you are willing to have (and pay for) a small, intimate wedding, then you can go to your families and tell them the wedding that you want and will be paying for.  If they want to have a larger wedding, you can tell them that they can have add additional guests to the guest list if they are (a) wiling to pay for them and (b) not going to question your decisions since you and your fiance were perfectly happy having a small wedding.  Anytime that your mother questions your decisions, you can tell her that she is welcome to pull her financial contribution, but that her guest list will also be cut.  

How does your fiance feel about this situation?  Does he realize how inappropriate your mother’s behavior is, and is he also concerned about taking money from her?  The two of you will need to work together to manage her after you have children, so it is important that you create a strategy and work together to keep your mother from taking over the planning.

Your marriage is a very scary thing for your mother – she is used to controlling you, and it will be more difficult to do so after you are married.  

 

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I say go with your heart you are a grown woman soon to be married do you really need this kind of control for the rest of your life?

 

if she has financial control may be better going on your own and financing yourself or you will have regrets for the rest of your life you are clearly very unhappy with the venue and it is the most important day of Your Life not hers

 

just my two cents worth

 

yes she’s your mom and you love her but there comes a point where you need to stand your ground 

Post # 5
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I’m an only child too, my mother doesn’t do this.

I think you know the answer here… she WILL try to control you forever, you have to cut the purse strings at some point. Your upcoming marriage is a great opportunity to take charge of your own life & stand up to her.

I know it’s tough to give up the idea of a big wedding, especially if you don’t think you can have one on your own. But I think at this point it’s your only option (unless you don’t mind having "your mother’s" wedding). Elope, have a small destination wedding, or the courthouse like Ms Mary Jane… whatever you can afford. Your mom will try to control you no matter what you do, and will fight you every step of the way. But if she doesn’t have financial control, she’ll have much less power over you.

Post # 6
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

First I have to ask, is your dad in the picture? Can you talk to him and see if he can talk to your mom? If not, I think you and your fiance need to talk to your mom about this. If she is not willing to give up some control, then you and your fiance may have to figure out a way to pay for the wedding without her help.

Ultimately, you need to talk to your mom about how controlling she is. You don’t want to alienate your mom from your life, but unless you start putting your foot down, she is going to continue trying to have control over your life. Let her know you love her and appreciate her opinion and advice but you are an adult and you have to live with the decisions you make, not her.

Goodluck and (((hugs)))

Post # 7
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

So sorry.  You’ve gotten some good advice so far.

Yeah, you need to figure out what you can afford with your fiance.  I would then go to your mom and say that it’s more important for you to have XYZ (which is what you can afford on your own), than have an extravagent wedding, that doesn’t feel like you, even if it’s paid for by her.  Hopefully from this, you two can settle down and talk about compromising about some decision.  I really don’t see her wanting to eliminate some family members to have this wedding.  However it might come off as an ultimatum, and anger her.  So you have to be ready if she calls your "bluff"  You might have to pay for it all yourself.  So think about how much better you’ll like the wedding you can pay for, compared to the one she can pay for. 

Also, as an adult, I think you need to just stand up for yourself.  I can understand parental concern for not thinking a neighborhood is safe, or even for conern about where their children drive.  But if you are in an apartment, how does she have the authority to make you move?  Especially when it causes you to lose money?  (It’s a little controling for a parent to offer to pay for a child’s apartment.   Then the child will still be dependent on the parent, and grow acustomed to the better living arrangements than they can afford.  Voila, the parents have control!)  But I do understand if a parent feels a neighborhood is unafe for their child, and offers.  I don’t understand how she convinces you to move, when you’re the one losing money.  Where’s the leverage?   What ae you afraid will ahppen when you stand up to your mom?  What would happen if she had a fit because you didn’t call?  (Although I don’t think cecking in on mom once a week is that bad.)

Post # 8
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles–what an awful thing to hear as a bride, that it’s not your wedding. Of COURSE it’s your wedding. It’s too bad your mom couldn’t get over her controlling issues and recognize that. 

Having dealt with a controlling mom for a good portion of my life, I can only advise you to stand firm–very, very firm. It may seem cruel at first, but don’t budge, otherwise she’ll see that weakness and use it against you. I hate to say it, but I really think the best solution is to do what a few other have suggested: to let go of your mother’s financial support. It’ll never come without strings, and you don’t want to be in a position to owe her anything, especially down the line when you have kids of your own. Maybe you can let her contribute to one thing, like the alcohol or the flowers–but not something as big as the venue.

Again, I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and I really, really hope it works out soon. Just remember, it is YOUR wedding. Yours and your fiance’s. No one else’s. 

Post # 9
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

I think you’re right in that your mother’s attempts to control you will continue throughout your marriage and for the rest of your life if you allow it! And this will put your marriage at risk if she is always interfering and expecting your primary relationship to be with her instead of your husband. I would suggest putting wedding planning on hold for a month and getting some counseling to figure out how to break these patterns.

When it comes to weddings, money=control over decisions so it may be best not to take any of her money at all. Your wedding may have to be scaled way back, but think of the drama and stress you would be able to avoid!

Post # 11
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just wanted to add my support. It sounds like you’ve got some good people around you (FH, grandma) to help you through this. I can sympathize a tiny bit – my parents eloped so my mom is SUPER into the wedding planning, and our tastes are very different. We’ve managed to work through it with no major drama thus far, but we’ve got over a year to get our crazy on!

I agree with everyone here – at some point you have to draw the line and keep her from controlling your life. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

You have gotten some great advice here, so I just wanted to chime in and add my support.

I would also add that keeping your emotions in check while dealing with her will be really important in getting your point across. I know it will be easy to want to fly off the handle at her (especially when it sounds like she lashes out at you), but remaining calm and composed can only remind her that you ARE an adult and this wedding is YOURS (meaning you and your fiance). Giving her a clear plan for what you two want and how you’ll be paying for it yourselves (as well as giving her a number of guests she is allowed to invite) will show her that you mean business. If she can’t play nice while contributing to your wedding, then she’ll need to understand that you’ll be doing it your way without her help (the venue you want, chuppah and all!), and she’ll have to play by your rules.

Best of luck! I hope it all works out for you!

Post # 13
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

The other day I was talking to my mom and wedding stuff came up and she says "Well this is going to be the biggest day of my life". I say "I’m sorry… I’m pretty sure its going to be the biggest day of MY life". Her response "Oh, you know what I mean".

I said something to my dad about it and he explained in that they’ve raised me and this a chance for them to shower me with love and that they only want the best. When she says its her wedding, she is just saying that this is also a testament to how they’ve raised you. I agree somewhat. I say smile & bear it and if she offers suggestions say "I’ll think about it, but we have a few ideas also"

Post # 14
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think you and mom should try a mediator/therapist/counselor and that you should most definitely plan the wedding you want even if you have to pay for it yourself.  A tea or hors d’oeuvres can be just as elegant or more so than a seated dinner or big buffet if that means you will be happy on your wedding day.

Post # 15
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

good luck let us know how it turned out, I am just curious

 

hugs and more hugs

Post # 16
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I say, if you don’t want her input (at least not on a controlling level) then you should try to put for the wedding yourself. Or. Give her a few items. Like if she pays for cake and catering, she gets to chose those things. If you and your fiance pays for venue, then you guys can chose it.

Let her know kindly and gently that it’s your wedding and your marriage. That you love her, but she’s not the one getting married. It would probably also help to remind her that you love her and want her input, but not her control.

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