- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
As I have brought up in my previous post, I have recently realized that my best friend of 14 years has been very unsupportive and just really affecting me in my life. To recap, I am getting married abroad, having a gathering when I come back home. I have bridesmaids, but do not expect the conventional things a bride expects from them. no bridezilla stuff lol. My best friend who is also my bridesmaid recently made me feel so horrible about having to spend “a lot of money on the wedding.” although I have not asked one bit of her or demanded anything from her. I also noticed that she wants me to consider everything that bothers her or do everything she likes during my wedding planning i.e. wants me to check if the place we are having our gathering has fans bc since it will be summer when we have it, it will get super hot and she gets very cranky when she gets hot, she doesnt want to consider my interests of having a bridal shower which is basically just having a bbq at someones house, but she wants to go to the spa (while that seems nice, she wants to do it because she wants a spa). I think after what she told me recently, it has made me realize that this person may not really be the best friend I thought she was.
I have cared and loved her for so many years, we are best friends since middle school, we have laughed cried, argued, just everything. I can say I know everything about her and know or at least hope its vice versa. However, in the past few years, I have noticed that she has negatively affected my emotions and life. I worry about her constantly, I have supported her emotionally, financially, and just with every thing she has done and while she has caused so much headaches in my life, I have still always been there for her. I feel like she is such a great person, but she lets her negativity and selfishness get in the way. And she has realized and admitted it. I just feel that as friends, its a “meet me half way” relationship, and while she recently noted that she can count on me for anything and I am the only person she trusts (she does not really have strong relationships with her family and her other friends have cut ties with her) I can honestly say that unfortunately I wouldnt be able to count on her the same way. She still is I think a bit resented when I had to sadly say she cant live with me for a few weeks, because a. I share a home with my fiance b. sadly, as much as I love her, she is very needy, and her two week stay will turn into a year, why ? because she has done this before to other friends. It has been really hard in a way to grow and have changes in life because I know this may affect her (i.e. career, having a fiance, having money saved etc). while we still are close, she has realized that I cant easily go see her every week (she lives two hours away) or that I cant just sporadically stop my life for her. basically that I am growing up.
I think it was the last straw when she told me how stressful and inconsiderate (basically) I have been in the whole wedding thing, causing her to have another headache in her life. In general, I never bother ppl and even with the wedding I still am not expecting anything even from my other bms. however, I would think that the time I really need someone, she makes me feel horrible because she wants to spend a lot of money on the wedding (something I never expect from her to do).
I have slowly distanced myself a bit, which is basically not call her every day lol ( its so hard to just cut someone you care for a lot). However, I have noticed that everytime I think of her now, I just get sad and feel like she just doesnt care. that she feels she is entitled but forgets that I also have expectations of being a good friend. that everytime she calls I sigh or get worried that something may have happened to her. Has this happened to people? The worse thing is that my fiance and even some of my family members have told me how much she has had an affect on my life (my fiance and I have had horrible fights because of her, and mainly because I have defended her, she is my best friend, so of course right?) luckily, I have done my best to keep him at peace with her, to the point that she doesnt even know how much my fiance dislikes her. I have always told him as much as I know how draining she is, we have known each other for so long and shes my best friend and to respect that.
However, I am tired of keeping it up and just really defend her all the time. I feel it may cause an uproar if I told her not be my bridesmaid anymore (she actually confined in me that she would have been ok if I didnt ask her to be one) again I asked only to acknowledge that they mean a lot to me, and dont really expect anything from them, so I told her, look if you feel its stressful, then you dont have to be one, lol I mean its just a recognition more than a duty for me. However, she said its ok that she is already in it for the haul. to be honest though, I stopped sending her texts or emails regarding my wedding (like oh I got my dress altered, or oh I got my shoes) because I feel like theres no point sharing with someone who shows no interest or feels like I am doing to much. How do I do my best to just keep her at a distance so she wont have to negatively affect not only my joy of my wedding but basically my life?
I wonder if im the only one who has gone through this? I have slowly come to the realization that if she keeps being this way with me, that I really dont want someone like that in my life. While I absolutely support her in anything, I cant let her bring me down while I am slowly going through different phases in my life (career, family, soon to have children). I feel guilty to even share my exciting milestones with her because I feel like she is still in the same lingo.
Thanks for reading this and sharing your thoughts in advance 🙂