- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
The situation: We have a long engagement because our plan has always been that we would wait until after we finished our current degrees before getting married. So I was completely surprised that my FI proposed when he did because I wasn't expecting it for awhile! But I feel like people act like we're somehow a less valid couple because we've been engaged for a year and aren't married... "yet." Similarly, they ask if we're finished with school... "yet." (PLUS... I'm not sure I want to be planning our wedding while I'm trying to finish my final stuff for school... which means it could either be a little while longer or I'll plan it in a huge hurry after we graduate.) Other than the way other people act, I don't really feel in a hurry to get married because I know my FI isn't going anywhere, married or not; I just don't feel insecure about him. I'm cool with waiting because we're always already together, supporting each other, encouraging each other, taking care of each other, and just having fun together.
How people act: A little while ago, a co-worker sauntered over to me and bullied me about not being married yet. She said something along the lines of "So have you finally decided whether you REALLY want to marry [FI]? Are you guys ever actually going to get married or what?" I was completely taken aback and instead of telling her to back off like I should've, I tried to explain why we have a long engagement-- school, plus financial reasons, family reasons, etc. Then she continued to bully me about how I should just go to a courthouse and get it done right now. (Otherwise, I guess that means we don't really love each other or something?) This conversation lasted longer than it should have. After that, I realized that she's a total witch with a capital "B." I think she acts negative about everyone else's personal lives because she has no relationship of her own. Later, at a picnic, when a woman I'd just met asked me when I'd gotten engaged and I told her, she raised her eyebrows with this "Hmmm... something must be wrong here" expression on her face. I told her in a firm voice that we wanted to be finished with school first, and then found ways to slip in comments about how great our relationship was. That makes two people crossed off my guest list.
It is really hurtful to me that people act like this. I love my FI. Why is it anyone's business when we set our date? Weddings are expensive, and we'd decided to finish with all of our school stress before doing the marriage thing. So how should I react to people who judge us? What are some good responses to intrusive questions and insinuations? What is the etiquette for this situation?
Meh....I would just let it go. When you argue back or get defensive it may seem like you are out to prove something to someone. I say forget them. Who cares what they think anyway?
I don't think you need to respond politely. I would probably say, "It really isn't any of your business, is it?".
Ann Landers had the best retort to people asking question that were none of their business-
"Why would you ask that?" or, "Why would you ask for that information?"
I know how you feel! Just ignore those people and if they give you any snarky comments then just let them know its really none of their business! Or you could say "Hey, if you wanna plan and pay for an amazing wedding for me while FI & I are busy getting Sh*t done then feel free :)" lol.
My FI's parents are like this too! Its so frustrating. I'm like just cause I'm in Utah and the normal engagement time is 3 months doesnt mean the same rule applies to me! Our engagement will be about 2 yrs and before we were engaged we were together for 3 and a half yrs. Don't take it personally :) You are comfortable with it and thats all that matters! And I think its great to want to get your degree beofre you get married! My sis did the same thing. Good luck girl!
i get the same reaction.
i just have to explain to them that we are paying for it ourselves so we need the time to save up money. just because we don't have mommy and daddy paying for everything, doesn't mean we can't have a nice wedding... it just means we need to work harder and be more patient.
I can't stand feeling like I have to explain my long engagement. It's like as soon as I say our date, their faces change...like they aren't as happy for me anymore or something. Whatever. It's our life and we'll do what we want. I don't think I'm going to give any reasons anymore.
Sorry that person was so rude to you.
I would give them a projected date like... we're going to get married in the spring of 2013 or whatever it is. That seems like it would be enough info to say we're serious about it, but we've decided to wait until the time is right for us. If people get more intrusive than that, I would say something snide like missfroggy said. :) People are weird aren't they?
You think you've got a long engagement....
I actually don't know. I've never had anyone say anything about it to me. We live in a country where the legitimacy of cohabiting relationships is officially recognized by the government and everything, so it doesn't seem like it's a big deal here. We have friends that have been engaged longer than us without the whisper of an actual wedding on the horizon.
In my family, my grandma was really pleased to be able to tell her friends that I'm engaged. I guess it probably makes me sound more respectable to the ladies at bridge club when compared to telling them I'm shacked up with a European man. ;) None of them have ever brought up the date or why it's taking so long.
I don't think you need to justify your decisions to anyone. I think if someone were so crass as to start making comments about why I wasn't married yet (not polite inquiries about if we'd set a date, mind), I'd first try and pretend they hadn't said anything so rude and change the subject. If they persisted, I'd (politely) tell them, "I'm sorry, I don't see how that's any of your business," and leave it at that.
There's nothing wrong with making the choices and doing things in the order and at the time that suit you and your fiance and the life you're making together. You don't have to justify your decisions about your personal life to busybody aquaintances.
You've got some great recommendations from the PP's. One other line you could try is the ever so famous, "Good things come to those that wait!". If they continue to inquire after that say something such as the Ann Landers quote above. Try not to worry about people that say things that don't matter! 
i wouldn't really respond. i've been engaged a year and a half and have heard it all. someone even told us "i hope im married before you two"
(well she's not engaged yet. lol)
I can see it being annoying when people may ask or make comments, but hurtful? It's really nobody's business, and if you feel you owe them an explanation, tell them what you've said here.
People have made some rude comments to be before as well. As mean as it may sound if its someone who is not engaged/married I will look at them point blank and say "Im sorry but I dont see a ring on your finger or any bells ringing. Maybe you should be more concerned with that then when I am getting married." This is usually leads to a shocked look and not another word about it. If they are married or engaged I tend to reply with "I see absolutly no reason to rush the rest of our lives." Which tends to get the confused look and no other comments.
I dont see it as anyones business why we are taking so long to get married. We were both in ruin when we met and have been slowly putting our lives back together and building a new one. And somethings take priorty over paperwork and a party.
You bees are so helpful! Just having some ideas for things to say in my back pocket makes me feel better! I can never come up with something to say in the moment!
@natbug21: I love that response! I'll have to keep that in mind. We'll have a similar period of time-- We'd been dating 3 1/2 years when we got engaged, 1 year has passed, and it'll probably be 2 1/2 years total after the engagement before we're married...
@rosworms: Exactly! We're trying to do that too!! My family would be okay with paying for everything, but they've already supported me so much that I'd really like it if my FI and I could handle this one ourselves... I'm not sure if we'll be able to, but we're trying.
@LauraCYW: I know! What is it with people?
@Elvis: That's awesome-- I wish we lived there! ;) That's a good response. I totally agree that we shouldn't have to justify our choices to people. I need to get tough and be able to just tell people it's none of their business. I'm bad at being tough with people, but I need to get better!
That, or maybe I should come up with some totally absurd answers that let people know it's none of their business... Like, we want our pets to be part of the ceremony, so we can't get married until we teach them to walk on their hind legs while using their front paws to carry rings on little pillows. he he he...
@melisslp: and @julies1949: I like those too! Both would be nice, classy responses.
@smyley: Yes, I think it is hurtful too. It felt like a slap in the face when my co-worker, whom I thought was sort of a friend, said mean things about my relationship with my best friend and the sweetest man and most important person to me in the world. I guess I need to grow a thicker skin.
@solsticedark: I totally get that, and I completely agree. "No reason to rush the rest of our lives." I like that too! I could not believe the gall of that girl who talked to me-- I tried to shift the conversation to her and asked her if she had anything going on in HER personal life, and her response was that because she didn't have any men in her life, she wanted to know about everyone else's personal lives-- like that gave her the right to be intrusive?
Anyway, thank you, bees! This helps a lot!
Next time she makes a comment, tell her to go F*$k herself. That'll shut her up. If people have the audacity to make rude comments, you should be able to come back at them with a rude response.
I used to get all defensive and stuttery when people asked and try to give a hundred reasons. It got a lot easier when I could say "NEXT summer" instead of "2012" as it doesn't seem so far away. The thing is, I am really really glad that we didn't try to marry this summer - I'd never have got anything organised how I wanted it...
Wow, I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised people are giving you that kind of reaction. I'm not getting married until September 2012-- I think a 20 month engagement? The whole idea for me, much like you, was that I wanted it to be after I graduated from grad school, to have time to be relaxed about putting together a wedding, and not rush this stage of life.
On the flip side, a friend of mine who got engaged a bit after me is getting married in September 2011 for legal/nationality reasons, and apparently people think it's because she's pregnant. I guess some people just need to have something negative to say no matter what you do. It's weird to me.
I've heard so many ICKY comments, and its so hard to get past some of them.
One being "Is this your promise ring until the wedding gets closer?"
Uhhh "no biatch, its my ENGAGEMNET RING, hence my telling you we are engaged and waiting until NEXT Fall/Winter"
I really love @julies1949: advice! Im going to have to remember that! And for now, just laugh at them and say "because its my wedding and I need time." Best of Luck! xo
@Waves2: Nice. I wish I could!
@TankGirl: I know, maybe people act like that out of jealousy or out of a perverse hope that something will go wrong for those around them.
@julies1949: I read that Anne Landers reply as well and I use it all the time!
I'm going through the same thing! My FI and I are waiting b/c of jobs, debt, family issues, etc, but people are being so MEAN!!!
What everyone is saying is true: this is about you and your FI NOT them. I'm learning that that's what you have to focus on. This may not be the most helpful bit of information but at least know that you are not alone!
And think of it this way ... when a coworker's daughter got engaged and they planned the wedding for, like, 3-4 months later, everyone raised their eyebrows about that too. So they're never happy!!! Even when it has nothing to do with them!!! lol
I am going through pretty much the same thing! My FI and I are waiting a few years to get married b/c of jobs, debt, family issues, etc.
People have been so mean and judgemental and it's really hurting my feelings. What everyone on here is saying, though, is true: this day is NOT about other people. It's about you and your FI. You just have to focus on the two of you, no one else. After all, it's YOUR relationship and YOUR lives, not theirs.
I know it's not the world's greatest advice and not really easy to do, but at least you know you aren't alone.
And maybe this will help: a co-worker's daughter got engaged last year and they planned a Vegas wedding in 3-4 months. Everyone raised their eyebrows at that, so people are never satisfied no matter what you do -- even if it has nothing to do with them!! 
I've been engaged for 2 years next month, if that makes you feel any better. <3 I don't have any good comebacks, just sympathizing.
Ooh! Maybe smile and say "how rude are YOU?" with a really cutsy "how cute are you" tone lol... like you're talking to a puppy. It's not really mean, but it should make them uncomfortable enough to never bring it up again.
Why is it that people feel the need to tell you how, when and why you should get married. It's as if you can do no right. If you're single "Don't you have a boyfriend yet"? If you're engaged "When are you getting married?, if you're married "When are you having children?" if you have one child "When are you having another?" and if you have 5 children "Why do you have so many" See what I mean?
When my son was a year old co-workers asked when I was having a baby, I said "I already have a baby and he's enough for now but thanks for your concern". Arghhh!!! People are so damm nosy arn't they? and I love the Ann Lander's line... it puts the question back on them and sometimes it's better to answer a question with a question!!
I actually just got engaged last weekend but know it will be a long one (I have another year of grad school) and I am already getting when is the date, why are you waiting so long. Anyone who is negative to me about anything concerning wedding stuff such as dates or whatever, are people that I will not engage in conversations with about anything wedding related. At at the point in my life where if people are rude about something, I tend to ignore or blow them off. It is your wedding not theirs, so you can do what you want and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. The good thing about a long engagement is you do have the extra time to cross those unwanted guests off your list :)
If they aren't picking on that, they'd be picking on something else, trust me!!! Such is being engaged...
how rude!!!!! tell them to mind their own business!! we had a yr and a half long engagement so we could save to buy the wedding and honeymoon and a house ...... dont be put off by rude ppl.
People seem to understand when I tell them I am waiting until I am closer to graduating and waiting for FI to find a stable job (he is graduating next semester), but I can practically hear them snark when they hear we don't have any solid plans. However, we are constantly browsing wedding media to find ideas and throwing ideas back and forth. Just because we aren't cramming all the planning into a short period of time and having it consume our engagement-lives doesn't mean we aren't planning! I hear people say they don't consider it engagement unless you are activally making plans, but what is activally, really? At some point in planning, you have to daydream and browse and see what you like, right? So just because we aren't seriously picking out the cake and colors, we are planning. We are just taking it slow and not rushing and stressing like a lot of couples do.
I'd like to say Good for you in doing what you feel is right for you and not caving under the presure.
I would simply in your sweetest voice say - Thank you for your concern but we have it all under control. In other words kill 'em with kindness that way you nothing to feel bad about later. They were the rude ones but you showed great class and self control in your rebutal.
Tell them what I have been telling people... If you want to pay 20,000 for a wedding plus find me and my fiancee a home of our own and pay for that, then we will do it now....Until then, See you October 2012.
That usually shuts them up and shuts them down.....LOL
I get this all the time, and I just try to take it in good humour. On the day we get married, we'll have been engaged for exactly 7 years. I just explain to people that we got engaged at 17, wanted to travel, went to different universities and needed to save up before we could afford to get married. I must admit, it's been so much easier since we booked our venue, because I think some people didn't really take our relationship seriously before then.
We are just about a year into our 2 year 1 month engagement...it's been torturous ...even more so that FSIL got engaged after us and is getting married before us...(she's going to be 31, and the grooms parents are in their 70's-80's) so we just brush it off and say out of respect we're waiting, and saving a ton of money for our house. People leave it alone..
Can't believe we're about a year away! It goes by so fast!
I have a standing answer. " would you like to help pay for our wedding? No? Then mind your business. "
Thate reserved for the people who will not leave me alone about it. Everyone elce gets
" we would like to finish our doctorate degrees first. I know it sounds like a lot a time bu when you factor in internships, practicums and thesises.... It's noT"
I would go with the good old "STFU".
Also just my 2 cents about what you said about wedding planning while finishing school... I am an excellent excellent student, I have a 4.0 and work 3 jobs (not trying to be boastful, I'm just setting the scene) and ever since we got engaged I've been having the HARDEST time being dedicated to my school work. We're talking like skipping studying entirely, half assing papers, blowing off group meetings- the whole 9 yards. It is SO hard to do something like read a text book when there are fun tiny wedding details to plan.
I'm not saying I wouldn't plan during college because I don't regret it at all, but I just wanted to give you my experience as something to think about.
Oh wow, I can't believe anyone would so rude as to judge someone's relationship based on the planned date of their wedding. I'd probably be very blunt and say something along the lines of:
"Lucky for me, the legitimacy and validation of my relationship neither rests upon your approval or opinions."but then, my brain-to-mouth-filter doesn't always work properly.
Also, try to keep in mind that these types of situations are "Mind over Matter i.e. "You shouldn't mind, because they don't matter"
Goodluck and sorry you're having to deal with this at all.
What is up with people, seriously? They act as if real life considerations (school, debt, illness, moving, money) just don't apply to them. Is it so hard to understand that everyone has a different situation? I can't even imagine behaving like that. If someone isn't married, I don't ask why--at most, if it's the kind of question I can ask comfortably, might ask if they'd ever thought of it, not when. Same thing for kids; I never assume people want or don't want any, if I ask at all, it's just "do you want kids?" I've got friends from all walks of life--married, single, divorced, sworn off relationships, gay, straight, want kids, don't want kids, and mixes of those--and would never presume to know their plans without asking first. Sheesh.
You can never please people. If you're single, they give you crap about not having someone. If you're dating for a long time, why aren't you engaged? Why would you marry this loser? then why aren't you married yet? When are you going to have kids? Are you breastfeeding?? When is your next kid? Why do you have so many kids?
I haven't been engaged long (only 2 weeks), but we're planning a long engagement to save money for the wedding we want. It's nobody's business, but since it's a new engagement, we mostly get asked if we set a date yet. We have 2 dates picked out (Oct 2013, or Jan 2014), but we haven't booked anything and we want to enjoy being engaged for a while. I just tell people "we're in no hurry," or "what's the rush?" Some of them actually answer with "don't you want to be maarrrriiiied" or "don't you want to start a family" and I respond with the same thing, and tell them those are just not priorities yet. I waited 30 years to find him - a 20 month engagement is nothing.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 94 |
| ndreighton | 56 |
| beargoose | 55 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 53 |
| Mrs.KMM | 46 |
| BetterSherm | 42 |
| akp0702 | 41 |
| Beckster329 | 37 |
| stardustintheeyes | 36 |
| MrsPom | 36 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| violet25 | 16 |
| stardustintheeyes | 12 |
| BetterSherm | 11 |
| mainejen | 8 |
| rebwana | 7 |
| mags2233 | 6 |
| MsPoodles | 6 |
| strawbs | 6 |
| les105 | 5 |
| Beckster329 | 5 |
