(Closed) What to say when you don’t approve of friend’s engagement?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Do nothing.

Their past- however short it is- is not matter.

Obviously it is not a well thought out plan, and it probably won’t last.

It is not written anywhere that you have to shower your friends in well wishes when they do things you disapprove of.

If she asks how you feel about it, state you are glad she is happy (because really, aren’t you??)

If you tell her you feel she is making a huge mistake, be prepared to not attend the wedding, and lose a friend. If you feel it is such a mistake, you probably would not be attending anyways. So I repeat. Do NOTHING!!

Post # 4
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

My husband and I are sort of each others rebound people.  It’s worked fairly well for us for the last 4 years and still really in love.

But I’d just say congrats!  Perhaps ask her in a joking way what changed in the last 2 weeks from never wanting to get married to being engaged, but other than that, it is what it is.  Other than gentle questions all you’re going to do is wreck a friendship and not change her mind.

Post # 5
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You can talk to her to about how you feel, but honestly, she does not need your approval. No one, absolutely no one knows all the fine details that go on in someone elses relationship. Only your friend and her now FI know what they are really about. It is her decision to make and if it ends up being a mistake, it will have to be something of a lesson she learns. But it is her choice! You have your opinion but I would not give it unless it is asked for. I am not being harsh, just have seen this played out before and it never ends well. It is her life, I know you are a loving friend, but it is her life and decisions.

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Don’t say a word.  This is her decision to make.  Its great that you can so deeply for your friend, but the only way to show it is by supporting her decision, even if you think its wrong.  No one can really say its a bad move, she may end up living happily ever after with this guy.  Time will tell. 

Post # 7
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

My theory is to each is their own. I recently had a friend move 14 hours away to be with a guy. This guy being the guy she had dated for the past 4.5 years childhood bestfriend. She was still hanging out with the guy she had dated for years and then just up and moved to be with this other guy. Well she lived down with that other for about a month and then low and behold that guy put a big ol rock on her finger. I told her simply that I will support her in what makes her happy, but that I will not be there to pick up the peices of a decision that was not fully thought out. I told her if this is the guy she truely wants to be with and that makes her truely happy that I will be there every step of the way for her wedding. Well the next day she called me and my FI, her bf of the 4.5 years and I drove the 14 hours down there packed her up and she is now living back here in Maine. don’t know if that will help you at all but the last thing I wanted to do was lose my friend over some dumb guy. Plus I figured it’s not like you can truely plan your dream wedding before reality sets in about your FI if it’s a shot gun engagement.

Post # 8
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

In 8th grade, my best friend started dating a “bad boy.” I was distressed and asked my mom what to do. Her advice, “Unless she is in physical danger, do nothing. Say nothing. You’ll just lose a friend if you do.” A zillion years later, I still think my mom’s advice was right on. Expressing your disapproval will just cost you your friendship. The best thing to do is be kind and supportive to the best extent you are comfortable with. Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would be a supportive friend despite not liking the idea. You will be there when it is over and you will be there if it lasts 50 years. Just listen to her and be her friend. It is not up to you to decide who is right for her or not. She hopefully has parents for that.

Post # 10
Member
7152 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with not saying anything. I am in kind of the same boat with one of my friends. I don’t approve, but oh well…..it’s her life. She wouldn’t take too kindly to me saying anything anyway, because she’d only htink I was “hating” on her since I am getting married.

Post # 11
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee

I second MissCuppycake.

Post # 12
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Do Nothing, you will only ruin the friendship. No, it may not last, but it may, and ultimately it’s her decision, however hasty and ill-planned it may be. Just say, “I’m happy that you’re happy” Your being positive, but not lying.

Post # 13
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Okay.  Please take into account that my opinion is coming from the girl who got engaged to her husband after only 6 months. He was also the guy who had broken my heart years before, and the guy who my friends still didn’t trust completely because they hadn’t seen enough of our “new” relationship to trust it.  I was the girl who had all of her friends and some of her family question the engagement because “how can you know after 6 months??  In my case, I just knew.  My husband and I knew after less than a month that we would get married. To anyone on the outside (including my close friends) this did not make sense, and they just didn’t understand. Some of them thought I was making a mistake, but others accepted that this was our mistake to make. 

I also had a friend who got married a few years back to a man she had known less than 1 year. He moved in with her after just 3 months and they were married after 8 months. She had a 3 year old son from a previous marriage at the time.  We all thought she was crazy and making a HUGE mistake…but she was happy.  We (her close friends) discussed the situation between ourselves, but never told her how we felt because it was not our business.  We showed up, participated in the wedding, congratulated the couple, and now…we love the guy. We love their relationship.  We couldn’t see it at the time because it was clouded by so much other stuff, but they are GOOD together.  They just welcomed a baby into their lives, and they couldn’t be happier together…and that man is the best thing that ever happened to my friend.  To this day, I am so glad I kept my mouth shut before the wedding.

I wanted to share my experiences with you, because I know that it can be SO hard to watch your friends do things like this.  But you never really know someone else’s relationship, and the truth is, it is better to let them make their (possible) mistakes for themselves, because people often aren’t too receptive to criticism about their love life. 

Post # 14
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yep, I’m going to second nothing.

If he were a bad guy and it was a really bad situation, I would say you could tell her once because your friendship would be worth risking at that point. That isn’t the case here.

Post # 15
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Say nothing and be a supportive friend.  My very good friend married a man I didn’t approve of – it was so hard to say nothing negative against him but I just kept my mouth shut.  They divorced a year later but I think it was something she had to go through as a person and I know me saying something wouldn’t have helped any.

Post # 16
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’ve always been completely honest with friends and how I feel about their relationships.  Obviously it takes some time to express it in a way that is necessary and proper to the situation.  One friend, it took about a year and a half for me to be open with her about what a jerk that guy was.  They were in a fight when both I and her sister finally let her know how we felt.  When they made up, it was awkward for awhile, but once they broke up for good, she couldn’t thank us enough for being honest with her.

Obviously situations like this are case by case, it depends on your relationship, her relationship, etc.  But I think its fair to be honest with someone you are close with.  Sure, you don’t know EVERYTHING about the relationship, but if you tell her how you feel, and she knows things that you don’t, then obviously it won’t detract from what she has.  

But I say you should be honest.  Carefully choose your words – you don’t want to hurt her, her fiancee, or burn any bridges, but you do want what is best for her. 

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