What to tell my friend about her crazy new boyfriend??

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@FutureDrAtkins:  If you talk badly about her new love interest that she is excited about, you risk isolating her. She may very well choose him over you and I doubt that is something you want. Romantic partners are a very personal choice and it is very rare for someone to be influenced by what their friends tell them. So long as she is happy, I don’t think it’s your place to take that away from her. Maybe it’s the “wrong” decision or not the decision that you would make BUT it isn’t your choice to make.

I may say something generic like, “I envisioned you with a different partner, but I’m really glad that you’re happy.” I can’t lie, but I wouldn’t set out with a list of awful traits.

Post # 4
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If she’s already texting you to complain that Brian won’t let her talk to other guys and he’s deleting her facebook contacts (Jeeze!), then I think you already have your in on the conversation.

  He doesn’t only sound controlling, for your description he sounds danegrous.

As said above, if you are too negative then she may react against you, but I think you should lay out your concerns in a similar way to you did her.  Ask her whether she would be okay with him being the only guy she ever talks to? Talk to her about the deltion of facebook contacts as a very worrying sign, but also tell her that you will be there no matter what she choses and be very aware that if she stays in this replationship too long she could be trapped so be there to help her when she needs it because it sounds like if she doesn’t get out soon, she will need help to.

Post # 5
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013


I’m sorry, but this doesn’t sound like a safe relationship to be in.  I know from your previous posts that you and your SO don’t really socialise with people of the opposite sex but it has always sounded like this is a mutual decision between the two of you.

The OP’s friend’s situation does not sound mutual.  Would you consider it acceptable for a partner to log in and delete your facebook contacts or to control who you talk to.  Here it may have started with me, but what when he decides that one of her friends (for example the OP) is a bad influence on her and stops prevents communication. 

This sounds borderline doemstic abuse already and the more isolated the friend becomes the harder it will be for her to leave.

OP, you can’t force her to, but I think you have to at least try and explain your concerns even if she doesn’t listed and then as said, just be there to pick up the pieces.

Post # 6
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m curious about where he is getting all this money. I admit I don’t know much about the welding profession but I’m almost certain he shouldn’t have as much money as he seems to. Not really helpful to your situation I know. Just another possible red flag in my mind. Sounds more like he’s the one selling the heroin to all his family members.

Post # 7
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think your friend needs to handle her own mess, if that’s what it is. People very rarely listen to advice when it comes to relationships, so I would just try to avoid discussing it and be there for her, as it sounds like this relationship isn’t going to last long. I know it’s annoying, but it sounds like she’s a capable enough girl – she’s broken up with people before when it doesn’t work out – so it sounds like she’ll kick him to the curb if she gets sick of his behavior.

@MistySoda:  Your last sentence made me laugh hysterically – that makes so much sense!!! lol

Post # 8
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@FutureDrAtkins:  Yeah, this guy sounds like a wack job.

This really depends on how close you guys are for how you should handle the situation. For instance, my best friend dated a guy that I hated. Thuggy, not attractive, already had a kid he wasn’t taking care of… they got together because she cheated on her ex with him.

Every time she would bring him up I would just stare at her. She tried to invite him over to my place, and I very firmly told her no… he was not coming around me. Any time she would bring up things he would do, like drive by her work just to check up on her, I would tell her “okay, so he is nasty AND crazy. You got yourself a catch there.”

Like your friend, she was not a bad girl at all. She is gorgeous. She just got herself in some stupid situations with guys. Sometimes you just have to be that friend. Now my friend is dating a really, really great guy. If your friend drops you over this dude, then she would have dropped you eventually anyways. If he is that jealous he will isolate her from her female friends as well. At least when things go bad and she says “why did no one tell me he was awful???” you can say I DID.

Post # 11
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You could try asking her leading questions… what do you think his issue with male contacts is? Do you think he’s capable of trusting you without control eventually? Etc you need to choose your words carefully but let her come to her own conclusion without personally attacking him…. 

Post # 12
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014


1. “Now my friend is way out of Brian’s league (look wise)…Brian is probably 5’4″, bad teeth, and comes from a long line of heroine addicts (all of his siblings, and his parents).”

None of these are things this guy can help, and none should be strikes against him.

2. “He told me that meeting the ex alone made him want to ‘flip a table over.'”

How do you/we know she hasnt talked badly about this ex to him? Some girls complain extensively and dramatically about former relationships. I can think of one dude and particular I dated that my normally-gentle BF would knock-out cold if he ever met him in a bar.

3. His jealous behavior regarding other guys

Honestly? He just sounds like a grade-A douchebag: nothing too different from many we know, just a garden-variety dick. If she is smart enough to complain to you about him, then she *should* be smart enough to dump him: it’s not like they are attached in any way yet (kids, marriage, etc).

I know you want to help your friend, but she is an adult. I have a friend like her who seems to only date dickheads…and I used to, like you, try to save her from herself. When that didnt ever work, and she stayed with a guy who was arrested for beating the hell out of her in public, I stopped.

You cannot save some people from themselves. She says around guys like this because they must fill some weird void in her life. I would probably limit my contact with her, to be honest, because I cannot handle people who habitually make such preventable, awful decisions then bitch to me when it goes south.

Post # 13
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Your friend is already on the hook.

Its what we in the battered womens community refer to as a blitz attack.

The man/or woman, generally a guy, moves in very quickly.

He plays and exerts his emotional control on his victim very quickly.

He is charming and lovely to her, he is controlling but she doesnt really see it. He will likely tell her that its only because he is afraid to lose her, and thats the reason for his jealous behavior.

He will likely tell her that his other relationships ended because the women cheated on him. This is primary excuse number 1 that abusers use to get their victims to feel sorry for them.

She will then go out of her way to do things that will ease his mind. She will start changing her demeanor and the way she does things not realizing that she is doing them because it creates what is called a honeymoon period. Its that period where he is extremely happy with her and all is well. However no matter what she does, the emotional tear down is always going to come.

The next big blow up will be there. It wont be long Im sure since he is moving very quickly already. That blow up will tear her down even more. Soon she will be doing all she can to forestall the blow up, but you can never do enough to stave off the blow ups because he has to blow up at someone.

After the blow up, he will start controlling who her friends are. If he suspects that you might be the type of person who will reason with her and try to get her to leave him, he will almost certainly try to limit her contact with you. He will use underhanded tactics. Well you didnt like him from the get go, he will make her question herself and her choices in her friends. It wont be anything overly dramatic. It will be like a conspiracy with them against the world so to speak.


If he resorts to physical violence. She will either see him for what he is and leave, or her self esteem will be so low that she will forgive him for what he has done.

Just because she is outgoing and flirty doesnt mean she has great self esteem. Usually those who have lower self esteem crave attention from others because its something they dont have within themselves. Thats not necessarily true of all people who flirt but generally its the ones who end up in abusive relationships who fall into that category.

Is there anything you can do? Not really. Unless she comes to her senses, but she loves his money so it may not be anytime soon.

All you can really do is be there if she needs you and it becomes dangerous or you can cut her off everytime she says something bad about him.

I.E.  He is a terrible person and wont let me do this, your response should be…Im sorry you feel like that and if he is in fact acting like that then you need to decide if he is right for you and if he isnt then you need to decide what your going to do about .

Make it clear that when she makes her decision that you will support her if she ultimately decides to leave him, but that if she stays then she is choosing to accept his behavior. 


Post # 15
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney



Welders can make a lot of money. I actually took a metal scuplture art class with welding and learned a good deal about the trade. Welding isn’t as easy as it looks I’m actually best at the older form that is used with mixed metals known as stick, its also the hardest to learn. The other two I actually had a harder time with surprisingly. Most welders are certified they have to take course work and train to gain that certification. There are different certifications, and there is a welding test they must pass. There are multiple welding techniques used based on the type of metal and type of weld you need. The three most common are Mig (gas metal arc welding), Tig (Oxyacetalyne Welding (this is the easiest usually)), and Stick (sheilded arc metal welding) welding. Underwater welders have to undergo additional certifications. Certified welders in my area 10 years ago started at 30 bucks an hour and that was not for underwater certification, this was for simple Tig Welding certification. The certification I believe is a two or three part exam and they evaluate your welds on flat metal, and rounded like a pipe. A bad weld will fall appart, cause leaks, and other major issues. Welding is a dangerous craft as well the torches are thousands of degrees, the light can burn your retinas, there is fire, sparks and the possibility of explosion. The welding torch and scuba gear together can be an extremely dangerous mix so I’d immagine the starting rate for those guys having to have multiple certifications would be about 3 times the cost. In order to work on cars, pipes, etc you must be certified due to the dangers of not only the practice but the dangers of bad welds. This is why car repairs requiring welding are not cheap. I considered becoming a certified welder I’m kind of sad I didnt my family was against it since its a male dominated field and hard work but I was good at it and I thought it was fun. Dont laugh at the welding trade it may seem like blue collar work but its a trade you have to learn and you either have the talent or you dont there is a reason those guys make good money. It truly is one of the last real trades like this we have left, black smithing is gone.

Post # 16
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

As to the situation at hand this guy either needs to get help for himself, or you need to be there for your friend as a support and ear. You cant force her to see what is wrong here she has to see that on her own, and if you try to force her she will run from you. Now if he hits her an intervention is needed ASAP.

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