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You dont need the drama Girl....Its all about you. Yes, you can find other ways to include them...and its good that you were thoughtful enough to do so..but a 4 year old throwing a tantrum on your special day is not a good memory...even worse that the significance of the event is not as big to them as it is to you and your hubby. So take charge...a stressed Bride...I dont think so. Just my two cents.
Im not having any bridesmaids/groomsemen...too much drama. I am using a Maid of Honor , Best man, and A mini bride (wearing butterfly wings...yaaaay). Thats it! There has been pressure for me to add other children/relatives to the wedding party but I foresee the drama and confusion and stress...and I refuse to have that. I think my wedding party is small and intimate and I am happy with it.
The loads of kids could make for a cute ceremony...but right now...cute wouldnt describe the tantrums and outbursts of the Puberty Monster...so...think about it...real hard...all i am saying :)
All the best !
We had our ficve kids in the wedding - it is do-able. As far as the flower girls, keep the dresses you picked, maybe let them pick some accessories or special shoes if they want a "Say". Yikes! I thought my 6 year old daughter was picky!
As for the 12 year old, maybe she doesn't want to be in the wedding, have you asked? Maybe she'd like a job like a reader, or maybe she's shy and would like something more behind the scenes for a job (gift attendant/guest book attendant) Hand out programs, be a bridal assistant. Maybe ask her what she'd like to do, if at all at the wedding. It's nice to be asked, but maybe she feels [ressured and is afraid to say no.
If you are reconsidering having them in the wedding AND some of them don't seem to want to be in the wedding (like the 12 year old, for example), maybe it would be possible to change your plans?
For those that do want to be in the wedding, I think you should talk to their parents and get their help in dealing with the kids. I think most of them, especially the older ones, can understand what it means to be in a wedding and that it's the bride's day, not theirs. For the younger ones, as long as you pick a comfortable dress, I think their parents can convince them to be happy with it.
Good luck!
thanks for the comments. all the juniors have ordered their dresses so there's no going back now. they didn't seem to have any issues when i asked them (of course i felt their mom out first). for the flower girls i feel like i have no control over them. i don't know why their mom would even entertain the idea of them changing from the dress i picked! i think they want to wear light pink when it's not even a wedding color:( i loved the suggestion of them picking their own shoes and accessories- i sure hope that does the trick.
after the last miserable round of shopping with the juniors you can just imagine how much i am now dreading going with the flowergirls!!!
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. *hug* Personally, I think a four year old should wear whatever it is they're told they're going to wear. I'm all for self-expression and independance and all that jazz...but not at age four in someone else's wedding. I would talk to their mom and let them know they either wear whatever it is you've specified or not be in the wedding.
We had 6 kids ranging in age from 4 to 12 and didn't have any problems at all. I picked the dresses (found them online as inexpensive as possible) and sent the link to the Moms. We didn't bring the kids shopping which is probably why it was so easy. We just talked to them about how much fun it was going to be and showed them pictures of the dress that they were going to get to wear. Same thing with the boys- they got suits online (our groomsmen didn't wear tuxes) and I had ties made to match the big boys. Maybe bringing them shopping is the problem as it makes them think they get to choose and when they don't they get worked up. Try and find a couple of options for shoes or accessories that you like and let them pick between those predetermined choices so they will feel involved and that might solve the problem. Another thing we let our girls choose was whether they wanted to carry a small bouquet or a pomander- they loved having that choice. Don't worry, it will all work out!
I think the thing with the 4-year-old girls is more of a parenting issue than anything else (I have a 5-year-old girl, so you know where I'm coming from). The children need to understand that there is no choice in the matter - that they are wearing X dress, but that they can choose between A or B shoes/other accessories. Only give them 2 choices - any more than that can lead to a meltdown. Kids at that age are not equipped well for lots of choices, and it seems to me like their parents should probably do a better job at setting expectations for them. My little one was a FG in a wedding when she was 4, and it never crossed her mind to challenge the dress she was wearing - that was the dress that the bride selected, and she was wearing it, period.
I agree with Peyton, but maybe give them two dress choices, too, so they feel like they can have a "say." Although, I'm very non-tolerant of kids (sorry, but I am), so personally, I would see nothing wrong with saying, "Either wear this, or you're not in the wedding because you're four years old!"
As far as the junior bridesmaid, just flat out ask her: "Do you want to be in this weedding? The last thing I want is for you to do something you're not into. I won't be hurt if you would rather just attend as a regular guest."
Now the 12-year-old, I can understand. I was moody as all heck when I was 12. She was probably just upset all the attention wasn't on her.
We didn't have any kids in our wedding.
I only wanted my FI's neice (will be 5) and nephew (7) to be in the wedding but my FMIL took it upon herself to ask his other nephews (8 & 10) to be in the wedding as well. I was/am so annoyed. I am just having them hand out programs and then they can sit down. I don't want children in all our wedding photos, so they'll be in the family shots to passify FMIL and that's it. Good luck.
We're having six kids in our wedding party. My boys are escorting me down the aisle, FI's children are our "junior" attendants and we are having a FG and RB as well. I guess I'm a bridezilla because up to this point none of them has has a say as to what they are wearing. All my BM's (even the junior) are wearing the same dresses. The boys will all be wearing suits and I plan on picking out the FG dress too. Since I'm paying for everything (the clothing) I don't feel bad about this.
I have a weakness for kids and say these things come wth the territory of all the cuteness! I already know we're going to have some issues with the 7 kids incorporated in our wedding, but it will be well worth it. But to each its own. IF you can't deal with the stress and the little dramas kids bring to wedding planning, don't do it.
I feel for you gamblina! Hugs! There is an unwritten rule somewhere...don't stress out the bride! I think the parents of the 4 years olds should have a talk with them. It's your day and you should have things exactly the way you want. We're planning a Disney wedding and are still undecided on our ring bearer. I want to have my cousin but he is just so hyper and does not listen to his parents...rightfully so because he is only 2 and half. He will be 3 and half by the big day. I'm just afraid that he will cause a scene when we're exchanging our vows.
OMG, I am totally in your boat!! As far as the 4 year old, I agree with a previous poster that the Mom should say "Wear this dress or you aren't in the wedding". Why do we put kids on such a pedastal nowadays? I wasn't even allowed to go to weddings when I was 4!
As for the 12 year old, definitely ask her if she'd rather not be a Junior Bmaid. Tell her your feelings wont be hurt (even if they will b/c trust me you'd rather not have her up there with you).
At first I didn't want ANY of my 7 nieces and nephews involved in the wedding. I wanted it to be an adult event and not put all the spotlight on the millions of kids who are always getting all the attention. Then, we caved b/c FI only has one niece and she's the princess of the family. Then, I decided to have two ring bearers to accompany her since she will be 2.5 and the ring bearers are the same age and each from a different family (so this way there is representation from everyone's family). I am doing this on purpose b/c I am assuming they won't even make it down the aisle b/c they are so young. A photo session is probably where it will all end.
Then My Mom this past weekend had the gall to suggest that I just include all the kids!!!! I was so mad, I calmly told her that I didn't want ANY kids, but I was making an exception to be nice and it's still MY wedding so I should have at least SOMEthing I want.
Um they are 4 year olds. Who gives in to the demands of a four year old? Tell the mothers that they will be wearing dress x and that is the end of the discussion or they are free to attend as guests.
12 year olds are big enough to make a decision to stay in or out of a wedding. Ask them and see if she is still interested. If she is still interested then I would ask gently why she was so upset at finding a dress. (with a 12 year old it could be something totally unrelated to your wedding and she was just having an off day.)
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about the 4 year olds. Your wedding is almost 6 months away and what they like/don't like today could be completely different by the time May rolls around. In the meantime, don't make a big deal about it and the girls will probably forget about it.
If the problem persists, though, maybe let the girls pick out another dress that they love (from their closet) and allow them to change into the 2nd dress after the ceremony and pictures. Make it a dress-up game. I don't believe in kowtowing to children, but if you are desperate for cooperation on your wedding day, a little compromise may help out ;-)
You can still give them an out... saying that it's too late b/c the dresses are ordered is "sunk cost fallacy": "I paid $40 for this crappy restaurant meal, I'd better get my money's worth by eating every bite!" If the girls don't want to be BMs anymore, or they can't behave themselves, it's better to *just* have bought dresses that won't be worn, rather than to buy dresses *and* have children making drama. (Did the parents pay for the dresses, or you? I think either way, the spent money doesn't necessarily mean you need to go ahead with a bad situation.)
Could you talk to all the parents and have them drill with their children that the wedding is about giving the couple a special day, and that their job is to be part of that? My FG's mom did a *great* job of that - I actually overheard an argument between her and the FG: "I want to wear a pink necklace!" "You can't wear anything unless Miss WorcesterBride wants you to. Do you remember why?" "::heavy sigh:: Because it's WorcesterBride's special day."
I agree about maybe giving the flower girls two choices, or choices about their shoes/accessories. Or if neither of those appeal, make dress-up kits they can use at the reception - a feather boa, a magic wand, some fairy wings, etc.
I feel for you! We chose my three younger cousins, 7, 5, and 3 to be our flower girls, my two younger brothers 10 and 11 to light candles and help usher grandparents, and my cousin 7 to be the ringbearer. They all fuss about what they wear, what they get to do...I wanted to get them involved too, but now I am like you, kind of regretting it. :(
i talked it all over with a good friend last night and am really feeling better about the 12 yr old. i think that what ever the problem was, it was not directly because of her not wanting to be in the wedding. if i gave her the option to not be in the wedding and she did take it, i think she would regret it. her mom is going to be my sister-in-law and is also standing up for me as are her 2 sisters. i'm not sure what her deal is, but as long as she relaxes and doesn't make me feel like i'm forcing her to do this then it will be fine. i think i'll have a better sense if there is a problem after the bridal shower in april. she would feel terrible if she was the only one not included now!
for the flower girls, someone suggested that we not even take them to the bridal shop, and i'm kinda leaning toward that. they are 4! i am not changing my mind on their dress b/c they want to choose their own. i will totally let them pick their shoes etc, now that i know this is an issue. and if a bribe of chuck e cheese is in order- then chuck e cheese it is!
i'm not worrying about this any more. it's hard enough keeping all the adults happy, i just can't deal with kid problems too :)
I asked my 7 year old future neice to be my junior bridesmaid and she said no if she had to wear a dress, so I said fine, forget it. This is an open door policy no one should be acting miserable about your big day I don't care how young they are. I was a flower girl when I was 4 and I remember being TERRIFIED about walking down the isle with 100+ people staring at me but I still did it because I loved my mom's friend and knew it was her wedding day.
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please tell me there's another bee out there feeling the same way?!
i thought it was unquestionable that we would ask the grooms 3 neices (12, 9, and 7) to be junior bridesmaids, my twin cousins (4) to be flower girls, and their brother (2.5) to be the ring bearer for our wedding. WHAT A MISTAKE!
everything has been a nightmare, when i thought it would be great bonding time and would make the kids feel extra special and included, but actually has been a huge headache! over thanksgiving we took the junior bridesmaids to pick their dresses and the 12 yr old was absolutely miserable. she looked like she was about to burst into tears the whole time and i don't think she wants to be in the wedding at all! the flower girls are throwing a fit because i have selected their dress and they only want to choose their own- they're 4!
i feel as though i have no control! do i stand firm and try to be as possitive as possible- or how am i supposed to handle the flower girls? i'm at a loss and this is getting rediculous!