Weddingbee boards

So, I'm kind of at the end of my tether now. My MIL and her entire family (especially her sister, DH's aunt) are being really difficult and, in my eyes, a bit unkind. I apologize in advance if this is all a bit disjointed but I'm so frustrated right now.

They've never been super supportive of our wedding (fair enough, it's only one day) but it's starting to seep into being disrespectful of us as a couple and I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive. 

Throughout our wedding planning she never offered help or, when I asked if she would like to be involved in the planning, she'd say she had no interest at all our in wedding. The only opinion she ever voiced was that we should invite DH's only aunt to our ceremony "because she wants to be there". There was no respect to the fact that DH and I paid for the whole ceremony and reception ourselves and that we're not very public people and so therefore deliberately chose to have an immediate family only wedding. This went on all the way up until the day before our wedding.

On our wedding day, my new MIL flat out refused to have any photos taken of her with DH. She said that it was too sad because DH's father had passed away 8 months prior to our wedding. I get that she's still upset, I get that she's still grieving. But it was her eldest child and only son's wedding. We didn't push her on the day, now she's complaining that we don't have any photos of her. In the few group photos that we did get with her she looks so upset and sour faced that it made DH almost cry on the way to the reception that she couldn't just be happy for him because he was so happy that day.

She also left early and didn't say goodbye to DH. I only managed to catch her going out when she told me she was leaving. She forgot to take a favour and then complained that she didn't get one - even though I pointed them out to her and she walked straight past the table.

After the honeymoon we were invited and went over for dinner and to have a chat. She proceeded to tell me all the things that I had done wrong at the wedding. Down to things like, she didn't like the vintage cars that we hired because she felt sick when she was riding in them and people didn't get enough food (which was entirely an oversight on our part - we didn't order enough). I basically went for dinner (which was takeout and which DH and I ended up paying for - she does that a lot, invites us over and then makes us pay for everyone there) to be told that all our decisions about our big day were crap. She then had to gall to, apparently jokingly, say to DH as we were leaving "So, Mr Moo, next time you get married don't do XYZ". I was fuming. 

A few days later DH told her that she was way over the line with what she said and that she had really hurt mine and his feelings. She said "Well I just wanted to give some constructive criticism. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."

A couple weeks after that we went to a family get together where she pulled up, in front of the whole rest of DH's extended family, that I had gotten the wrong end of the stick and that she hadn't meant to hurt me and she hoped that it wouldn't tarnish my opinion of her. I can't remember what I said anymore but I felt really put on the spot. Then she turned around to DH and totally over my head told him that he had to go over to her house urgently because her TV wasn't working - it meant that, because I was put on the spot and so upset, that DH didn't know what to do and ended up saying "yes" so he could take me aside and make sure I was ok without her butting in.

She then pulled me to the side later and spoke to me about the fact that DH and I are looking to buy our first home together. Apparently she doesn't want us to move out of the district of the city we currently live in. The district is tiny and house prices are too expensive for us and she knows it. We need to move somewhere that's easy for us to commute to the centre for work and where we are doesn't quite do that and it's not safe at night so it's not someplace I'm really happy to live.

Yesterday we finally had DH's dad's interment. Most of the family was there and we all went to my MIL's house afterwards to chat and basically catch up. DH and I were the last of the "2nd generation" (ie, cousins and siblings) to leave. We went in to say goodbye to DH's aunts and uncles when one of them started screaming at us about how dare we leave MIL alone tonight and don't we realize that she's lost her husband and she's disabled (she has Parkinsons and refuses to have someone to take care of her full-time so DH's sister and one of his cousins do regular house work for her and keep her company). She told us that we were selfish and that we should basically not do anything else with our lives except for take care of MIL. We had no idea that MIL wanted company that night and she usually tells people this.

Now, DH is one of the few people in the family that works full time. I mean 12noon - 11PM, 6 days a week. I'm currently in the middle of a massive career change and so am looking for a new job, and trying to find us a new home, trying to start my own business and I have a lot of family issues of my own that they know about as well as things like making sure bills are paid and groceries and running the household (which I knew I would have to do and I'm totally fine with that). We get 1, maybe 2 (if we're lucky) days a week where we can just relax at home and do normal house chores (like laundry and cooking for the week and cleaning - which I try to get done during the week as much as possible). Yesterday was the only afternoon that we knew we were going to have to do house stuff in a 2 week period as DH is pulling extra hours at work. 

I just don't know what to do. It's not so much even that we were yelled at by DH's aunt yesterday but the fact that MIL didn't stand up for him and say "well I didn't tell him that I wanted company". For the last year all I've done is compromise and cancel plans so that we can stay with her and do chores for her. I just feel like we're been taken for a bit of a ride. There's been countless times when DH has been told that he's worthless and that he should be putting his mother before me and our relationship by his family. They just have no respect for the fact that we just got married. 

I just don't know what to do. For the first time last night I actually lost sleep over this latest fight. And we do get along quite well with some of his family, it's just the same aunt and my MIL that seems to keep causing friction. Am I just being overly sensitive to the situation? I can't talk to MIL about it for fear of her putting me on the spot in front of the family again and I really don't do well in the spotlight like that. There's no love and no respect and I really just don't know what to do now.

Help me, Hive! 

Thank you. It's hard sometimes to take the high road! DH knows all about how I feel and we talk after every incident (case in point, yesterday). He does stand up for me but I think he also feels guilty BECAUSE he's the eldest and only son and his dad passed away. Ugh, catch 22 at it's finest.

@bakerella: Good points. I also think she's going through stress but it just seems to be getting worse instead of better. That's kind of why I'm at the end of my rope - surely time is meant to help with understanding and love. And yes, she's an extremely tactless woman. A classic example is that once, when DH and I were still just dating but living together, she invited us over for dinner and told us that we could do her the favour and cook. It was an awkward conversation to say the least.

DH's only sister is a housewife (by choice) and is also legally employed as her mother's housekeeper. So she spends around 80% the time that her husband is working at her mom's house doing stuff. Her husband only sees my MIL maybe once a month if he happens to have the time to go over with his daughter (her only grandchild) otherwise he just sees her on big family occasions, so sadly there's no help to be found there! My SIL and her family are super kind to me and DH though and we do get along well and I think that's because they understand that we're a young couple and trying to form a social life of our own as opposed to actually understanding our situation though.

I also wanted to add that DH and I dated for 4 years before we got married and it's only been in the last year now (so throughout the engagement) that the problems have really started - and especially so after DH's dad passed, which is to be expected. It still doesn't excuse the rude behaviour and the lack of standing up for her son though.

Oh you poor thing! I dont even know what to say and a "i dont know what to say" post is kind of lame!

But like another poster said...i suppose taking the high road, as hard as it is (especially since you have done it so often!!) wouldbe the best thing to do. I assume you talk to your DH about this, but from what i can read it doesnt sound like he defends you, himself or you guys very much. ??? (please correct me if i am wrong!)

@divergirl:Thank you. That's a good point about being selective with the info we give her. Thinking back on the last couple months I wonder how much would have been avoided if we had done that - definitely going to start that! And trust me, her ears must've been burning when I got home that night and was yelling to high heavens about how angry I was about it! I have tried to remind her gently about things but I have a bit of a short fuse with her at the moment so I'm keeping schtum because I don't want to say anything that could be misconstrued in front of anyone else.

@7mom:Thank you for your input! Thankfully DH does definitely put me and our relationship first (although, as with some people, it took a little bit to get into that mindset). The sad thing about the moving thing is we're not even moving far away! We'd be staying in the same city, just moving to a district where we'd get more house for our money and where I feel safer being alone at night. At most we'd be an hour away by public transport and 20 mins away by cab if she really needed us. 

@Baileyh: Aw, thank you for your thoughts anyways! :) DH does defend us but because we're really both not good with being in the spotlight when both of us are being ragged on it's hard for him to not let his emotions get the better of him and not just get upset. After all, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all, right? He does have issues with defending just himself though - it's almost like because he's been told that he's worthless so many times he almost starts believing it when they go on like that again. But he has told them before when they've been out of line when they've spoken badly about me.

@littlemissmoo oh wow! This family sounds very distructive! Maybe it ouwl be best if you guys did purchase out of the distrcit and start your own "family" that doesnt have them as involved as much

@Baileyh: Thank you! Now I don't feel like a bitch for thinking that they're toxic. We're definitely going to purchase outside of the district, DH and I decided on that around a week ago - I'm just waiting for the wave of arguments that will follow when they all find out. 

@dorsay:Oh god yes there's definitely a "don't make a scene" mentality. That's what we get when we marry a Brit ;) Thank you for your input though - I honestly hadn't thought of that and it does make sense. It doesn't make me feel much better but it does explain a lot. And I will practice that phrase a lot.

@KTseamans: Thank you. It's good to hear I'm not alone in the madness of crazy IL's!